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Thread: Am I a bad person? Leaving with an 8 month old

  1. #1
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    Am I a bad person? Leaving with an 8 month old

    Hi everyone,

    My partner and I met at work 4 years ago, he was the quiet person in the corner of the room and I found him intriguing. We began dating and I realised early on he was emotionally challenged but I saw the good inside of him and soon found out he was in London alone and not very close to his family who lived a 6 hours drive away which made me feel more obliged to ‘help’ him so to speak.

    I have always had a high sex drive but he has a high powered stressful job and rarely wants it once every 6 weeks or so, it was hard to accept at first but I figured he doesn't need the added stress of me continuously arguing on this subject.

    A year into the relationship I found he was searching for escorts in the local area, I pulled him on it and he assured me that he had never met any (I couldn't pinpoint a day or night we weren't together or unaware of where he was) he was doing it for the thrill and testing his sex drive - now Im writing this down I feel ridiculous understanding that!! A month down the line I was on his ipad and messages from a woman appeared asking why he called her the night before and was he looking for a booty call. The previous night he got home at 4am from a work party hammered. I packed my bags but he begged and begged for another chance, I called the girl on it and asked her if anything had happened she seemed like a normal nice enough girl and explained they had hooked up years before but his call was out of the blue.

    Infidelities aside he was the breadwinner of the couple and paid for the mortgage (his mortgage) and the bills whilst I covered groceries and the household chores. He is a very lazy person and on weekends he would lay on the sofa sleeping/eating. When we went out for date nights he would struggle to stay awake past 9/10pm and blame his ‘tough week’ as we worked together I did understand but felt I worked equally as hard I just assumed I handled stress better. When he wasn't tired we got on great and had the same interests which I guess refreshed my love for our relationships when these days happened so Id forget the laziness and the early nights!!

    Fast forward a year I have fallen pregnant which we both wanted, I had explained to him that if we want a baby I would like to live close to my family for the support whilst on maternity because he works long hours as they were at the time an hour and half drive away. He didn't hesitate and put his house up for sale and bought a beautiful house for our new family a five minute drive from my parents - I was so in awe of this man who had done this for me and appreciated it so much.

    Whilst heavily pregnant and throughout my pregnancy the lazy weekends continued and he had no problem watching me do the chores and I specifically remember being 7 months in on my hands and knees cleaning the floor whilst he looks down and asks me for some crisps?!?! I told him where to go!!
    When my beautiful baby arrived he struggled with the new routine and from day one slept in another room as she disturbed his sleep. She never cried in the night and only waked every 3 hours for a feed but promptly went back to sleep. 6 weeks after the birth I realised I was very ill as I was still bleeding heavily and it turned out I became severely anaemic having lost so much blood and the placenta was still inside of me!! After realising this was going on he still slept in the spare room leaving me with the night feeds and even on the day of my surgery I was still alone - I love my daughter so much so I never saw this as a chore but I would have liked some support!!

    Things got too much and I called him on everything and he said he would change. For a few weeks he was more involved and helped around the house but I think I thanked him a bit TOO much lol

    The reason I write today is that on the weekend my daughter, partner and myself were ill with a sickness and poo bug. I took her to the doctors and they told me she may need to be put on a drip as she is dehydrated and I need to go to hospital. I know its dramatic but the thought of seeing her with a needle in her arm terrified me so I called him teary explaining what had happened. He said he cant come to the hospital because he needs to stay in bed and recover - I know he is ill but I was too but when your baby is ill surely you can muster every bit of strength to support her in hospital?! So I went alone and all was resolved she is now fine and treated without a drip woo hoo :) When we got home she was playing on the floor happy and he walked past her pulling an ‘ill’ face at me panting saying how earlier he was hallucinating and crying out for his mum.....

    Im now at a point where I am struggling to see how I can stay in this relationship. Im not happy emotionally and if you were to take away the financial bonus’ of being with my daughters dad then there isn't many positives left and I hate speaking that way! My family are very supportive and ready to welcome us with open arms any day. My parents like him as a person but dislikes the way he supports me, we lived with them whilst the house was going through when our daughter was born and they were very angry!

    He has taken a bashing here so I would like to say that on paper he would do anything for us, hes bought a house near my family, bought us a stable family car and provides everything we need financially without hesitation but for me this isnt what I want from a relationship. Im not being ungrateful by any means but I would choose him spending more time with his daughter than sitting in bed watching youtube on his ipad. Or sitting with me having a chat rather than going to bed whilst Im ironing his work clothes. I know there are people out there worse off than me but I am unhappy.

    The last time we had an argument he snatched the baby out of my arms running downstairs saying I cant take his daughter away - when he has depressive lows he is very erratic and once I had to stop him from jumping infront of a train!! It worries me how he would take the news or if he would even attempt to run away with her I am really unsure!!

    I feel like I am to blame for this whole situation, I knew what he was like from the beginning, colleagues would ask me why Im with him. I thought I could bring out the good in him and dont get me wrong he is a lovely person but just not the right match for me ☹️

    Sorry for the essay!! X x

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Butterfly~Wrists's Avatar
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    Do you want your child to grow up, thinking this is how a relationship is supposed to be, and then being in one like this herself?
    He needs to get himself into therapy for what appears to be depression. And you need support.

  3. #3
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    This guy needs professional help. Why hasn't he seen a doctor for his depression?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You need to remove yourself and your child from this horrible situation. It's not about you anymore. At least do right by your child and provide her with a stable environment. Leave, go to social services for help with food, healthcare, housing and career training. Enlist the help of friends and family. You have the right to ruin your life on a loser but your daughter should be given a chance for a better life.

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  6. #5
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    I don’t think he is a bad guy.

    More like an old fashioned traditional breadwinner type, which sort of explains the lack of emotional support.
    At the end of the work day , he feels he has been that guy. Done his part.

    You do come across a little dramatic. Sorry.
    On your hands and knees cleaning the floor for example? The invention of the mop has prevented people doing that for decades.

    When both you and him plus child had a gastro bug, there really was no need for both of you to go to the hospital.
    I’m sure the ED dept were grateful he didn’t go.

    You’d be surprised at how many men do sleep in spare room after child is born , because of you are breastfeeding, there is no pint in both being woken when the mother has to be up to feed .

    He is who he is and always has been.
    Have you discussed your feelings with him?
    Would you consider counselling so you can both understand each other’s view points and perhaps try compromise?

  7. #6
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    On your hands and knees cleaning the floor for example? The invention of the mop has prevented people doing that for decades.

    I do hands and knees. So do my sister and mother and her mother too. I don't like the way mops clean, I don't like having to buy attachments for those swiffers and this way I can get it done fast and thoroughly. Not every day. I sweep in between as needed. Happy to have my cleaning people mop - I get that a lot of people mop. It's not for decades, it's a preference. And it's not just my family. I mention that because I'll add that when I was pregnant my floors got filthy because I was living alone and I simply didn't want to be in that position when I had my baby bump. I prioritized the baby. No, it's not dangerous just too darn uncomfortable so why? And when my friend came over to help clean she got on her hands and knees. So yes I think it's overly dramatic to be mad at a partner if you choose to clean in a particular way that's much more uncomfortable when you're pregnant.

  8. #7
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    Can I just say I was highlighting the cleaning floor situation because I was infront of him heavily pregnant and cleaning because he wouldn't help with the chores whilst I was pregnant full stop, and rather than get up himself he asked me to go and get him some crisps....I hope Im not alone with thinking thats awful?! Maybe I should have left the cleaning whilst pregnant but I dont have a cleaner or at that time lived 2 hours away from friends and family so it was either I did it or we had a dirty house.

  9. #8
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    Billie28 thanks for your response I agree he isnt a bad guy! I encouraged him to sleep in the spare room when he had work as he is a light sleeper but I thought whilst I was anaemic and having an operation it would be courteous to offer assistance or support especially when I wasnt able to breastfeed so its been bottle from the off so he could have helped.
    I have discussed my feelings with him several times but each time he has blamed his job for being too stressful... Ive supported him through some very dark times in his career, I took on more of a workload myself to help make his worklife easier with us working together and have urged him to take a lower paid job if it meant less stress and a healthier lifestyle for him but he doesnt listen. Every day he comes home to a clean home, clean and ironed clothes and dinner on the table, Im not asking for praise or a medal as I see this as my job now and Im happy to do it I am however asking for a little more selflessness when I personally need support when Im in need which doesnt seem to happen

  10. #9
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    Thanks everyone for your responses I really do appreciate the support ❤️❤️❤️

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    On your hands and knees cleaning the floor for example? The invention of the mop has prevented people doing that for decades.
    Guess you haven't had to clean up kid vomit and diarrhea off the floor yet. You really can't do that with a mop!

    My hubs was in the labor & delivery room to post-partum recovery room every minute I was there.

    She has the same guy my buddy has who does zip for both his girls. It's all on her. Same with my neighbors. These men wonder why they can't get the best of their partners, when they can't give the best of themselves to their ladies.

    He won't change, and never ever apologize for looking out for a partner that will actually be a partner with childcare.

    Document all crazy person events, screen shots of text messages, emails, witnesses where he is an unfit parent for full custody, cuz on the surface, he wants everyone to think what a devoted dad he is, but in reality, will do nothing for the kid. Be sure to know where all the money is - bank accounts, savings, investments, and make copies or record account number where possible - helps with forensic accountant and lawyers. Have him pay for the lawyers too.

    Stop doing his laundry. Stop making things picture perfect; Being a mom to an infant is full-time enough. Make a plan to exit, and okay to do slowly to be unnoticeable. Then, when he's away, have family come help you move everything out.

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