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Thread: Am I a bad person? Leaving with an 8 month old

  1. #11
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I work with a guy who has two kids (with two different women and the kids are only 2 months apart in age, but that's a different story) and believes firmly there are "women" duties and "man" duties. Women cook, clean, raise and care for the children and serve the man. Men do things like bring flowers and work at a full time job. He says after he works all day he doesn't feel like doing anything else. Even if the woman also works he says he's tired and just wants his dinner served to him and then the woman should clean up because he's "full and comfortable". I asked him if he ever considered the woman might be tired, full and comfortable and he just gave me a blank look. Men do men things and women do women things. Period.

    My ex husband didn't want to do anything he thought was "gross" or "messy". But in his defense, once I rode his butt he did things like clean kid barf and wash dishes. And he always changed diapers.

    Your husband's mood swings and snatching the baby and running away would have me more concerned than his lack of presence at the ER or lack of floor cleaning.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    Guess you haven't had to clean up kid vomit and diarrhea off the floor yet. You really can't do that with a mop!

    Document all crazy person events, screen shots of text messages, emails, witnesses where he is an unfit parent for full custody, cuz on the surface, he wants everyone to think what a devoted dad he is, but in reality, will do nothing for the kid. Be sure to know where all the money is - bank accounts, savings, investments, and make copies or record account number where possible - helps with forensic accountant and lawyers. Have him pay for the lawyers too.

    Stop doing his laundry. Stop making things picture perfect; Being a mom to an infant is full-time enough. Make a plan to exit, and okay to do slowly to be unnoticeable. Then, when he's away, have family come help you move everything out.

    There was NO kid vomit or diarrhoea. !!
    She was apparently on her hands and knees cleaning the floor while pregnant.
    No vomit or diarrhoea , just regular floors.

    The OP is dramatic enough without you adding to it , when you havenít even read her post?

    You are now telling her to document everything that proves he is an unfit dad?
    She canít! There is no proof of that. Because it doesnít exist.

    She is simply unhappy with the traditional role , that does NOT make him unfit to be a parent.

    Why would you encourage someone to take their child away?
    Yes they can split up if the relationship is not working and have different views on things. But to try make himout to be a monster when he is simply old fashioned , is ridiculous!!

    Poor baby is all I can say.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    There was NO kid vomit or diarrhoea. !!
    She was apparently on her hands and knees cleaning the floor while pregnant.
    No vomit or diarrhoea , just regular floors.

    The OP is dramatic enough without you adding to it , when you havenít even read her post?

    You are now telling her to document everything that proves he is an unfit dad?
    She canít! There is no proof of that. Because it doesnít exist.

    She is simply unhappy with the traditional role , that does NOT make him unfit to be a parent.

    Why would you encourage someone to take their child away?
    Yes they can split up if the relationship is not working and have different views on things. But to try make himout to be a monster when he is simply old fashioned , is ridiculous!!

    Poor baby is all I can say.
    But simply old fashioned is one thing. When it manifests as being rude, thoughtless ,disrespectful, unhelpful you don't get to call it 'old fashioned" and get a pass. Certainly someone can apologize with "I'm really sorry - I was raised this way and that's not a justification just explaining why I thought it was ok. I see that it is not". Also I think he made a baby with her without being married and searched for escorts on line -so he doesn't get to cherry pick "old fashioned". I think it's generally not the best idea for a very pregnant woman to scrub a floor if it means her face will be near chemicals, etc.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    There was NO kid vomit or diarrhoea. !!
    She was apparently on her hands and knees cleaning the floor while pregnant.
    No vomit or diarrhoea , just regular floors.

    The OP is dramatic enough without you adding to it , when you havenít even read her post?

    You are now telling her to document everything that proves he is an unfit dad?
    She canít! There is no proof of that. Because it doesnít exist.

    She is simply unhappy with the traditional role , that does NOT make him unfit to be a parent.

    Why would you encourage someone to take their child away?
    Yes they can split up if the relationship is not working and have different views on things. But to try make himout to be a monster when he is simply old fashioned , is ridiculous!!

    Poor baby is all I can say.
    I don't consider snatching the child from her arms and running away "old fashioned". I consider it manipulative and unacceptable behavior. It certainly isn't a constructive response to conflicts.

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  6. #15
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You uprooted everyone to move closer to your family. Why, then, did you insist on his coming to the hospital when he was sick when you have family close by?

    Were you threatening him with taking his child away? Is that what precipitated his snatching the child out of your arms?

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    There was NO kid vomit or diarrhoea. !!
    She was apparently on her hands and knees cleaning the floor while pregnant.
    No vomit or diarrhoea , just regular floors.

    The OP is dramatic enough without you adding to it , when you havenít even read her post?

    You are now telling her to document everything that proves he is an unfit dad?
    She canít! There is no proof of that. Because it doesnít exist.

    She is simply unhappy with the traditional role , that does NOT make him unfit to be a parent.

    Why would you encourage someone to take their child away?
    Yes they can split up if the relationship is not working and have different views on things. But to try make himout to be a monster when he is simply old fashioned , is ridiculous!!

    Poor baby is all I can say.


    Originally Posted by HoneyBea

    The last time we had an argument he snatched the baby out of my arms running downstairs saying I cant take his daughter away - when he has depressive lows he is very erratic and once I had to stop him from jumping infront of a train!!
    Sorry, Billie28, but manic behavior like this is a 100% indicator he may do something. And in these instances, they take it out on the child to hurt the mother. No baby should be made to be in a situation like this where the father will not participate in tending to the child. If they separate with joint custody, there's a 100% chance something will happen to the baby.

    I'm also dealing with the Thomas Valva tragedy where I live, [Register to see the link]

    And having a hubs who a few years ago didn't bother picking up our child two days in a row without saying anything to anyone to avoid embarrassment, I would have gotten full custody just on that negligence.

    Once you have kids, it's no longer about looking good or protecting a man's ego - it should be about what is best for the children.

    OP, please good luck, and never apologize for wanting the best for you and your kid.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    You uprooted everyone to move closer to your family. Why, then, did you insist on his coming to the hospital when he was sick when you have family close by?

    Were you threatening him with taking his child away? Is that what precipitated his snatching the child out of your arms?
    Yeah, something isn't adding up for me either.
    Especially since early on, he's been " the breadwinner " paying for a mortgage, bills, and her living costs while she pays only groceries and " household chores " ( not a bill lol ).
    She calls him lazy while living off him, that's rich.
    She had him uproot because she wanted to be near family and get pregnant.
    Everything is about her her her. And now I'm supposed to believe she's selfish less thinking of her child?

    I think it's convenient now to leave him, now she has family lined up to pay her way and with babysitting and doing chores probably.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    But simply old fashioned is one thing. When it manifests as being rude, thoughtless ,disrespectful, unhelpful you don't get to call it 'old fashioned" and get a pass. Certainly someone can apologize with "I'm really sorry - I was raised this way and that's not a justification just explaining why I thought it was ok. I see that it is not". Also I think he made a baby with her without being married and searched for escorts on line -so he doesn't get to cherry pick "old fashioned". I think it's generally not the best idea for a very pregnant woman to scrub a floor if it means her face will be near chemicals, etc.
    She wasnít scrubbing the floor on her hands and knees!
    She may have got a sponge to take a stubborn stain out! Seriously!?

    He asked for a packet of crisps. All she has to say is Iím busy get them yourself!

    He made a baby with her without getting married? So did she!
    They have been together 4 years. His searching for escorts was 3 years ago. Well before she decided to have a baby with him.

    He doesnít get to cherry pick old fashioned??? Lol
    What I meant by old fashioned , was traditional , breadwinner type. I never said that for centuries they havenít used escorts or mistresses!!

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I don't consider snatching the child from her arms and running away "old fashioned". I consider it manipulative and unacceptable behavior. It certainly isn't a constructive response to conflicts.
    If that were the case!

    The OP has not provided context to his apparent ďsnatchingĒ
    You just took her word for it despite the other dramatics?

    When he apparently ďsnatchedĒ the child he also said according to the OP that she canít take his child from him?
    Clearly she threatened him with taking the child away?

    Any parent that loves their child in that scenario would embrace them! Any parent who resents their partner would consider that embrace as snatching.

    Iím not going to apologise for my opinion.
    But the OP sounds to me like the manipulative one in this relationship and all because it seems that she signed up to be with someone that she doesnít actually respect.
    She mentions that he googled escorts when they were still in the dating first year thing.
    She decided to stay with him.
    She decided to have a baby with him.
    She should NOT be bringing past up like that in this thread!!!
    Because she forgave it presumably because she stayed with him!?

  11. #20
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    Hi all,

    I appreciate all of your posts and reading them all both positive and negative have helped with the recent fall out and also put a lot into perspective for me.

    I agree on reflection my post at times is dramatic and I have brought up things that have happened that are irrelevant but at the time of writing I was in a very stressed and lonely state and Im sure we are all guilty of doing this at times in our life.

    My partner is not a bad person in the slightest and I know I knew what I was signing up for from the start. He is an amazing dad to our daughter I am not doubting that for a second and I don't believe I have tried to say that in my post.
    The points I was trying to make is that at times in our relationship there is a loss off communication and sometimes his acts are selfish. Whether you agree with me or not we all have different views on how a person should act, neither mine or yours is correct.

    I agree he didn't have to come to the ER with me - can I just clarify there wasn't anyone else available to come with me but at the time I was ill myself and felt like I needed support to care for my daughter especially if she was going to be on a drip as told by my doctor - my first thoughts were how am I going to cope for hours alone controlling a stressed moving baby with a needle in her arm when I feel I can vomit myself at any minute.

    The cleaning of the floor - this point really doesn't need to be dwelled on! At the time I didn't appreciate being told to get something for him when I was already busy doing something which he could clearly see, pregnant or not pregnant it still would have been irritating! But yes a point I probably need to let go of, Im sure everyones partners annoy them at times!

    The snatching of the baby - no I didn't threaten to take her away from him. We were mid argument and the point of splitting up was raised on both sides and he jumped to the conclusion because we are not married he would not have custody rights as her dad. This was randomly assumed by him and should we ever break up my daughter and her relationship with her dad would come first. I included this point because my partner has mental health issues which he wont seek help for and when he is unstable he behaves in such a way that I have no control over - running downstairs with our daughter screaming I cant take her away from him when I haven't said such a thing raises concerns!

    I am not sponging off of my partner by any means and invest a lot into our relationship. I do not ask for any help with childcare or anything else from my family so to assume this is the case is unfair. I agree paying for groceries and doing the chores is not a bill but at the time of working I didn't earn a lot of money so this was my way of contributing to our relationship, if I was such a princess I would have insisted on a cleaner and not paying for anything?!

    The reason for writing my post was to see what peoples views were and to be honest they did open my eyes to a lot of things about myself and my relationship so I thank you all for your time and comments.

    Can I ask that one of the platinum users please deletes this thread, thank you.

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