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Sweden v the UK LDR


Limiya

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I always told myself i'd never get involved with anyone in another country again due to distance and how difficult it is it maintain.

Yet, here I am. Head over heels with this guy and neither one of us want to part.

 

We've just met, and he lives in Sweden and me in the UK.

He is very convincing in telling me it's only a 'short flight' away. Yet it's not like I can jump in the car anytime and drive to him.

He is convinced that if this is right, and we care about each other enough, then one of us can move.

Which one, I don't know.

In theory he's correct, but in the back of my mind I know it' not easy to truly get to know someone if you live far and are not living with each other.

 

He's coming to see me again next week for a few days.

After that I plan on seeing him in Sweden.

Then we may be going on a cruise in March to spend more time together.

 

Do any of you have any tips as to what obstacles to really expect and advice on how to overcome them together?

I know technology has advanced enough to be able to facetime each other regularly to make us feel more closer, so that's a bonus.

 

Many thanks,

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How did you meet? Is in the UK for school/work? Are you dating or exclusive? Do what's best for you. Why not wait until you see him in his native environment before making future plans. Enjoy the visits and trips but don't stop dating locally. Cyber relationships are not as easy as "facetime is available".

We've just met, and he lives in Sweden and me in the UK.

He is very convincing in telling me it's only a 'short flight' away. Yet it's not like I can jump in the car anytime and drive to him.

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How did you meet? Is in the UK for school/work? Are you dating or exclusive? Do what's best for you. Why not wait until you see him in his native environment before making future plans. Enjoy the visits and trips but don't stop dating locally. Cyber relationships are not as easy as "facetime is available".

 

We met while he was here visiting friends.

I know i'm getting carried away with my emotions a bit, and I think he is too. So i'm trying to keep myself a bit grounded and realistic as possible.

I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for if we hit it off and want to take it further.

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I will cross oceans and climb mountains, love shall conquer all is very romantic. However, if you want an LDR to work, you've got to toss that out the window and get really really pragmatic early on. What's different about an LDR is that you need to have difficult relationship conversations early.

 

So he says one of you can move? Which one is what needs to be talked about realistically. Which country, what about language, jobs, culture, etc. You aren't talking about just moving a distance, you are talking about moving countries, so that alone is a huge added complication and something you need to think about, research, understand thoroughly before you can decide if it's even a viable option for either one of you or not at all. If moving isn't viable, then you stop right here and stop wasting time on this.

 

The other part is getting to know the person you are dating in terms of how they are in the real every day sense. That's where LDR's are particularly challenging. It's easy to treat each visit as a sort of never ending fun vacation honeymoon. You go do fun things, see fun things, etc. Problem is that you aren't seeing the real person, you are seeing the holiday version of them and everyone is fabulous on holidays. It's naturally exciting. What you need to see if more mundane stuff like what they are like when they've had a bad day at work, what it's like to make mundane decisions with them, how do they resolve conflict. In short, the real test of a relationship is how people behave when it's not all fun, when there is conflict, when they are tired and cranky, how do they handle let downs, etc. Need to meet their friends too and spend some time with them to where they drop their guard with you and become more genuine and a little less "he is the greatest ever". That's where LDR's are hard because when you only see each other for a few days here and there, it's easy to put on a smile and pretend and ditto for skype, etc. To really know them, you really do need to see them in person and outside of "fun" stuff.

 

Overall, if he is super pushy and you are getting the sense of a whirlwind romance, you might want to tap those brakes hard and be sure to keep your feet firmly on the ground and your eyes open for trouble under the surface.

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Besides being expensive, and uprooting one's life away from a career, friends and family, who will see you and your kids less often if you have children, and the pace of dating is abnormal. In a normal relationship, dates are brief at the beginning and gradually get longer over time. With LDRs, you're forced to spend big chunks of time together, which can seem smothering.

 

It also takes longer to see skeletons in the closet if there are any, and there might be cultural differences that end up as problematic.

 

There have always been plenty of men in my local area I shared chemistry with. I liked having a companion I could get together with twice a week when dating. I'd had enough of being apart in my first marriage as a Navy wife.

 

Good luck. You'll need it.

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Ok the best way to view this is that he wanted a vacation fling. All the future talk is just that. Talk. You need to slow down and see what materializes in reality, not in your mind. Do not hold your breath or get wrapped up in a cyber relationship. Stay pen pals, but keep in mind...you are not dating.

We met while he was here visiting friends. I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for if we hit it off and want to take it further.
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Great advice here.

 

I honestly think the only reason to engage in a long distance relationship is because the distance and dynamic appeals, registers as a plus, not a minus. In other words, it shouldn't be because you met the most amazing person on the planet and are whipped into a sugary froth, but because you want a relationship that exists outside the "norm," not so different in ways than non-monogamy, poly, and so on: dynamics that genuinely work for a very small subset of people. You have to be into the lifestyle of it, fully, and be excited to have met a person who is also into it.

 

Or, like DF wisely said, you have to have the real talks early, and one of you really has to be up for making a huge change.

 

Example: I have friends in LA, where I live, who met when he was visiting from Costa Rica. They fell for each other hard and fast. Four months later he was living with her. Kind of nuts, sure, but the way they saw it was: they'd met their potential person, and there was really only one way to find out if that potential was real or fueled by romantic pixie dust. That was well over a decade ago. They're now married, with two kids. Heck, come to think of it I have another friend here who is married to a man from New Zealand—they met when she was on vacation and he up and moved across the world to see what was what shortly after.

 

Thing about those stories is that they are not long distance relationships, but pretty conventional relationships between two people who didn't live in the same place when they met and made a point of changing that right away. They didn't build the fire over FaceTime and vacations.

 

So maybe give yourself a minute to figure out what you want. And also a minute to tap the brakes a bit. A question I'm curious to hear you answer is: If he lived in the UK and was telling you, after however many hours/days you've spent together, that he was "convinced" you plus him equaled "right" would you feel the same way you do right now? Or would you find the zealotry to be a little much?

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I was in a long distance relationship for a year until I moved to his country (Europe - USA, so the distance was pretty extreme). What helped us was knowing I'd make the move to attend university in his country once I finished school. Without this goal it would have been harder to maintain.

This was also before smartphones and we talked on the good old landline daily and wrote actual letters to each other. Our visits were every 3 months for 3 weeks straight. I had a pretty good grasp who he was, because I spent weeks on end at his home and vice versa. We got married later and overall stayed together for 10 years. What I'm saying is it's doable, depending on how willing you are to put in the extra work and seriously come up with a plan on how to eventually be closer.

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We met while he was here visiting friends.

I know i'm getting carried away with my emotions a bit, and I think he is too. So i'm trying to keep myself a bit grounded and realistic as possible.

I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for if we hit it off and want to take it further.

 

How long did you spend with him in person?

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I will cross oceans and climb mountains, love shall conquer all is very romantic. However, if you want an LDR to work, you've got to toss that out the window and get really really pragmatic early on. What's different about an LDR is that you need to have difficult relationship conversations early.

 

So he says one of you can move? Which one is what needs to be talked about realistically. Which country, what about language, jobs, culture, etc. You aren't talking about just moving a distance, you are talking about moving countries, so that alone is a huge added complication and something you need to think about, research, understand thoroughly before you can decide if it's even a viable option for either one of you or not at all. If moving isn't viable, then you stop right here and stop wasting time on this.

 

The other part is getting to know the person you are dating in terms of how they are in the real every day sense. That's where LDR's are particularly challenging. It's easy to treat each visit as a sort of never ending fun vacation honeymoon. You go do fun things, see fun things, etc. Problem is that you aren't seeing the real person, you are seeing the holiday version of them and everyone is fabulous on holidays. It's naturally exciting. What you need to see if more mundane stuff like what they are like when they've had a bad day at work, what it's like to make mundane decisions with them, how do they resolve conflict. In short, the real test of a relationship is how people behave when it's not all fun, when there is conflict, when they are tired and cranky, how do they handle let downs, etc. Need to meet their friends too and spend some time with them to where they drop their guard with you and become more genuine and a little less "he is the greatest ever". That's where LDR's are hard because when you only see each other for a few days here and there, it's easy to put on a smile and pretend and ditto for skype, etc. To really know them, you really do need to see them in person and outside of "fun" stuff.

 

Overall, if he is super pushy and you are getting the sense of a whirlwind romance, you might want to tap those brakes hard and be sure to keep your feet firmly on the ground and your eyes open for trouble under the surface.

 

I was in an LDR for a few years. We're married now. The only reasons it worked:

 

We'd dated seriously in the past for years in the same city and knew each other well.

We were able to see each other about every 11 days.

Our goal from day one was marriage.

We both loved talking on the phone and had a real phone convo every day we were not together. Some emailing, no texting.

From the get go I knew I'd have to relocate, we talked about my limitations on where (because it wasn't necessarily going to be where he then lived) and I was prepared for it -and I did relocate.

 

I would never have been in an LDR if those things weren't true because it still was very challenging. And pricey!

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I've been in a couple LDR's. 90 minutes, mind you. In hindsight I wish either one of us had been entirely honest with ourselves about who would make the sacrifice to move.

 

In the moment you think you'll do just about anything to be together. But as time goes on and the practicality sets in, we both thought the other side would concede. After all, if they love enough they would, right?

 

Both times it seemed to be on me. But I had my mother and my sons close by, a mortgage and both men I speak of either traveled or worked from home with no family close by.

 

I wouldn't have admitted it in the moment but now looking back, I now know better to be honest with myself so as to spare everyone involved the disappointment in the end.

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You don’t want to have a LDR too long.. I say this from experience.

 

I swore up and down just like you. Short version ... after a month of LDR, he decided to live in his car for 6 months while working to save up so he can move to california. Everyone including me thought he was crazy but we been married for 4 years now.

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These are amazing and thoughtful responses. I really appreciate the detail given to me and the questions that we need to bring up now and discuss.

I already told him when we met that i'm not looking for anything short term, and my goal is to settle down sooner rather than later and he seems completely on the same page in that regard.

We face time every evening and he seems just as keen as when we met.

 

I will be bringing up all the discussions you have mentioned about having so we can be very clear. I've expressed that communication is paramount for me in any relationship and I refuse to drag it long distance for long periods of time.

So he is coming to visit on Sunday for a few days and we will certainly be having frank discussions while he's here.

 

My concern is he's met me once, and he's smitten. I am too, but I am also aware that we don't truly know each other, and i just want to visit each other a few times first to get a sense of each other, and at the same time i want to have these frank talks.

Is this realistic and doable?

I don't just want it to be fantasy talk, but realistic and done the right way.

 

To answer one of the questions here. If i had met him and he was living here, then i absolutely would feel just as strongly as i do now. It's just as shame he isn't located here currently.

 

I will get more of a sense of things when he visits on Sunday.

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Stop the relationship talks. You are not even dating. Wait until you see him in his native environment. Does he have a gf there? Does he work/go to school? Does he live alone, with roommates with parents? How fluent are you in Swedish? These are more important questions than vague rules about what you do and don't want.

 

It sounds like you intend to hookup and don't want to get burned after the fact. If you don't want short term or long distance then you shouldn't pursue him like this. It's a long shot and on many levels you realize this but want to have a fun fantasy for a while. That's fine, but stop the heavy talk.

 

Telling someone communication is important, you don't want short term and long distance shouldn't drag out, etc is pointless. it goes without saying.. The more rules and regulations to talk at him the sooner he'll be a lot less smitten.

My concern is he's met me once.I will get more of a sense of things when he visits on Sunday.

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These are amazing and thoughtful responses. I really appreciate the detail given to me and the questions that we need to bring up now and discuss.

I already told him when we met that i'm not looking for anything short term, and my goal is to settle down sooner rather than later and he seems completely on the same page in that regard.

We face time every evening and he seems just as keen as when we met.

 

I will be bringing up all the discussions you have mentioned about having so we can be very clear. I've expressed that communication is paramount for me in any relationship and I refuse to drag it long distance for long periods of time.

So he is coming to visit on Sunday for a few days and we will certainly be having frank discussions while he's here.

 

My concern is he's met me once, and he's smitten. I am too, but I am also aware that we don't truly know each other, and i just want to visit each other a few times first to get a sense of each other, and at the same time i want to have these frank talks.

Is this realistic and doable?

I don't just want it to be fantasy talk, but realistic and done the right way.

 

To answer one of the questions here. If i had met him and he was living here, then i absolutely would feel just as strongly as i do now. It's just as shame he isn't located here currently.

 

I will get more of a sense of things when he visits on Sunday.

 

No, I don't think it's realistic or doable because you are not 110% in as far as navigating the distance/geographical logistics and because you don't have plans to see each other regularly in person. Face time is fine in between seeing each other regularly in person (my husband and I were long distance- never texted or facetimed-wasn't an option - but we saw each other every 11 days and spoke by phone each night).

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Stop the relationship talks. You are not even dating. Wait until you see him in his native environment. Does he have a gf there? Does he work/go to school? Does he live alone, with roommates with parents? How fluent are you in Swedish? These are more important questions than vague rules about what you do and don't want.

 

It sounds like you intend to hookup and don't want to get burned after the fact. If you don't want short term or long distance then you shouldn't pursue him like this. It's a long shot and on many levels you realize this but want to have a fun fantasy for a while. That's fine, but stop the heavy talk.

 

Telling someone communication is important, you don't want short term and long distance shouldn't drag out, etc is pointless. it goes without saying.. The more rules and regulations to talk at him the sooner he'll be a lot less smitten.

 

 

Yes, i plan on going there in March to see where he lives etc.

No he doesn't have a girlfriend there.

I don't speak any Swedish at all. His native language isn't Swedish either but he gets by mostly in English and passes Swedish.

He works. He has a full time job and also has his own business too. He's not a student.

He lives alone.

 

Long distance stuff is new to me so i appreciate all the advice. He doesn't have family in Sweden. I have family here, so i don't know if that would make a big difference or not.

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No, I don't think it's realistic or doable because you are not 110% in as far as navigating the distance/geographical logistics and because you don't have plans to see each other regularly in person. Face time is fine in between seeing each other regularly in person (my husband and I were long distance- never texted or facetimed-wasn't an option - but we saw each other every 11 days and spoke by phone each night).

 

It's been 3 weeks since we met in person (He's still on vacation) and i have plans to go there in February but haven't finalised the dates yet.

By then it will be 3 meetups. I'm hoping by then we will know one way or another if it's something we both 100% want to pursue or not.

I've never navigated seeing someone from another country before so it's all new to me.

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Where is he a resident/citizen? Does he have a work visa? Is he in Sweden temporarily just for work? Does he have a gf in his native country? Even if you visit him where he is working in Sweden you won't be seeing him in his native country/environment/culture.

Y His native language isn't Swedish either but he gets by mostly in English and passes Swedish. He doesn't have family in Sweden.
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Where is he a resident/citizen? Does he have a work visa? Is he in Sweden temporarily just for work? Does he have a gf in his native country? Even if you visit him where he is working in Sweden you won't be seeing him in his native country/environment/culture.

 

He has been living in Sweden for about 20 years and has nationality/Passport etc.

He just flies back to his native country occasionally to visit parents (Where he is now). He doesn't have a girlfriend there.

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If you moved to Sweden and don't speak the language, how will you work? If work is hard to come by there, they won't be giving chances to outsiders for work unless you possess some rare skill.

 

Find out what his past relationship history is like. That will give you a clue on what to possibly expect.

 

Also think about if he's visiting friends where you live, that you might be pathway to get citizenship in your country, so it could be why he's lovebombing you.

 

He hasn't spent any money visiting you, since he was visiting friends. You're the one who will be spending money in a few months. If it were me, in this high risk relationship that he initially pursued, I'd be letting him make more of the effort and spending the bucks at the beginning.

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My concern is he's met me once, and he's smitten. I am too, but I am also aware that we don't truly know each other, and i just want to visit each other a few times first to get a sense of each other, and at the same time i want to have these frank talks. Is this realistic and doable?

I don't just want it to be fantasy talk, but realistic and done the right way.

 

Tricky needle to thread, that one.

 

Let's say you were in the same place. Those "frank talks" would last about 30 seconds at this stage: you'd express wanting something serious from dating, he'd express the same thing, and then you would date to see if those early talks were "all talk" or not. Those dates would not be filled with more frank talks, but the juicer stuff of getting to know another human being and know how you feel spending time with them.

 

With the distance? Well, a similar approach is still needed. Meaning: cool, you've each said the right things, but now it's time to just get to know each other, see what's what, with the understanding that "what's what" is a question that is not going to be answered over FaceTime but over actual time. So I'd make the focus on spending time together, talking about who you are, who he is, rather than on how to make this all work. You are, after all, two people who hardly no each other, as you said. Treat it like that.

 

If in three or four months you've found you're still happy and excited—that you're each putting in an equal effort to connect and bridge the gap—then you can revisit some of the frankness in terms of making plans. Hard stuff, all this. I know I couldn't do it, but that's simply because I'm not built to uproot for someone while being built to have a coronary if someone uprooted for me. Fortunately, I am me and you are you, so my advice is given in helping you navigate your you-ness here.

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I really think you're jumping the gun, OP. You barely know this man.

 

Wait until you've spent a considerable time with him IN PERSON before you start considering anything at all. I mean, literally live together for a few months and see who he really is, if you two actually get on, if it's possible to make it work, etc.

 

You have no clue about anything right now. I really think you're taking for granted how difficult this type of relationship is and how costly.

This is virtually a complete stranger and for you to consider a LDR and moving etc, you need far more information than this.

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It's been 3 weeks since we met in person (He's still on vacation) and i have plans to go there in February but haven't finalised the dates yet.

By then it will be 3 meetups. I'm hoping by then we will know one way or another if it's something we both 100% want to pursue or not.

I've never navigated seeing someone from another country before so it's all new to me.

 

I don't think three meetups with someone brand new is enough -it's enough to know if you want to see the person a 4th time. I think it's a nonstarter unless you can see each other at least twice a month - and then in 3-4 months you'll have a better idea about future potential.

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