Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 30

Thread: A Break After Nearly 8 Years

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    12

    A Break After Nearly 8 Years

    Itís a long one, but the relationship has some sturdy bones, so here goes.
    My boyfriend and I met when we were younger. We were friends for nearly five years when we began dating. Fast forward through 7.5 years of a healthy relationship (we had our disagreements, but the good far outweighed the bad) and now weíre on a break. It started with the holidays, when I brought up that it seemed like I was no longer a priority in his life. I know attachment fades, thatís natural, but he was spending so much time with his friends and hobbies that I felt like the only time I was seeing him was to say good night and goodbye in the morning. This had happened a few times before. We talked, he agreed and apologized, and the next few months would be great until the (what seemed to be) inevitable comfort of having me there won out, and heíd start forgetting to pencil me into his life. Itís important to note that I have no fears of infidelity. There was never a time where he wasnít exactly where he said he was, or that I felt he was being dishonest. The last conversation turned into him saying he could not figure out why it always came back to him treating me this way. He didnít like hurting me, and didnít like that he couldnít figure out how to keep me as a priority. He brought up taking a break, because trying something different was all he could think of. After tears on both ends, we ultimately agreed he had some sorting out to do, and I needed to take the time to find out what was good for me. We agreed it was not about seeing other people. We had a lot of attachments living together, so we separated our bills and now live separately. I told him I would not be in contact so as to respect the space he needs to figure out what he wants in life, and that he could reach out when there was some clarity on how he was feeling. Itís been just over a month since then with no contact outside of splitting our phone plan, and I have no idea how to proceed. I miss him immensely, but I donít want to pull him back in if heís not ready to be in a serious relationship. Not knowing how heís feeling or whatís going on is the worst out-of-control feeling, but I only want him to come back if he is certain itís what he wants. I donít know what to do, if there is anything I even should do.

    Thank you for reading everyone.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    deleted
    Posts
    1,639
    I felt like the only time I was seeing him was to say good night and goodbye in the morning.

    - So he was living with you, but stopped dating you (you should never stop dating). How was the sex life? What was the rest of the relationship like? How did you spend holidays - together - with family/friends? Tell the full story, more info needed.

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    12
    I would consider the sex life above average for how long the relationship has been. (A few times a week+) but it definitely felt like the only time we were connecting for a while there. We split the holidays and went to both families together. Having known each other since the 8th grade, our families were close enough to the point where his family is still in touch with me despite knowing the present situation. He and I also have plenty in common (love is music, love of traveling, general view on the world) but it seemed like our time together was decreasingly valuable as his friends, hobbies, and social media swept up his attention. It was definitely gradual when it happened each time.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    deleted
    Posts
    1,639
    Okay, that sounds normal. Sometimes the love fades, perhaps his love level for you is low.

    Yeah, it's a common complaint from women.... you need romance, quality time together, date nights, vacations. I'd say you two need a weekly date night. Maybe suggest that instead of complaining. Maybe something that integrates one of his hobbies? Men do like recreational companionship. Maybe that would help light his fire again.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,030
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. Do not continue this on/off relationship because on/off means chronic unresolved problems and general incompatibility. Unfortunately it sounds like you have been together way too young and for way too long and it stagnating and suffocating both of you.

    Sadly moving out and severing things is a breakup, even if you still contact each other. Do not wait around for him to "figure things out". It's over.
    Originally Posted by LTNS
    weíre on a break.
    he was spending so much time with his friends and hobbies that I felt like the only time I was seeing him was to say good night and goodbye in the morning. This had happened a few times before.
    He brought up taking a break, because trying something different was all he could think of.
    We had a lot of attachments living together, so we separated our bills and now live separately.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    12
    I had actually suggested that, but it never ended up happening every week. And I have actually become pretty proficient at his main hobby just from time spent with him, but I again hit a point where I felt I could only see him if I was doing something he liked. I do appreciate the help, Gary! Iím not sure if itís acceptable to reach out at this point during our break or to wait it out and see if the time away hits him the way itís hitting me.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    12
    I should have phrased that better. We havenít taken a break before. He had just let other things become priority before, and it was solved with a conversation. We were definitely together for some pretty formative years, and part of this space was figuring out if we are as compatible as we were then, because naturally we arenít the same as when we were 18. I will say that despite considering it a break, you are correct in saying the separating of bills and living space feels like it was a break up. Itís all new to me, so Iím definitely lost to it.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    deleted
    Posts
    1,639
    Okay, you are a good girlfriend and already tried the things I suggested.

    Originally Posted by LTNS
    Iím not sure if itís acceptable to reach out at this point during our break or to wait it out and see if the time away hits him the way itís hitting me.
    - Right, you should play hard to get - so don't initiate contact, let him be the one. If he's got a shred of love left for you, maybe it will spike and he'll miss you.

    Men are stupid, women are crazy. The reason women are crazy is because men are stupid!

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Posts
    12
    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    If he's got a shred of love left for you, maybe it will spike and he'll miss you.
    I think youíve worded exactly whatís making me crazy as we speak - thanks again! :)

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,030
    Gender
    Male
    Ok use this time to reflect on what you want out of life, not just missing him wishing and hoping he wants to come back. Even if he does, things will get worse, not better.
    Originally Posted by LTNS
    I will say that despite considering it a break, you are correct in saying the separating of bills and living space feels like it was a break up.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •