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Thread: A Break After Nearly 8 Years

  1. #11
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    Could be that even if he loves you sincerely, what looks and feels like a great relationship is different for him, he shouldnít need to be asked to make time to spend time with you he should want to because youíre his favourite person and it makes h feel good.

    My last serious relationship I was phased out in favour of hobbies, the love wasnít there. I advocate unilaterally making the decision to cut him free and save yourself the heart ache of trying to hold together two pieces that no longer fit. (No easy task, wishing you strength)

  2. #12
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I say date other guys. That will either make him jealous and fear of losing you or he will say forget it which is probably he was going to do anyways. TBH he's bored/lost interest in you. Not enough there for the long haul. He's hanging on because of attachment not out of love. Don't be sitting at home waiting...start living your life. Go out, party, hang with the girlies, go dancing. Don't let this relationship define you.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I agree that you should open up the break so that the two of you can date others but I suggest you do it after you break up with him if he can't make up his mind if he wants you in his life or not. I suggest you let him know that you're not willing to be in limbo without an end date.

    Only do that if you can not for the life of you wait another five minutes. If you do have the wearwithal to hang in there, then let him be the one that comes to you. As hard as that may be, if you allow him to come to you, at least then you'll know he's all in and not just doing it because you've given him some sort of soft ultimatum or a solid one.

    I think in this particular situation and considering your long history together that its a matter of who can let go of the need to be in control and just let the story play out organically.

    Good luck, you have built a life together and hopefully it will continue on once he wonders where you got to. Keep us updated, LINS.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You've known each other since you were kids and you started dating very very young. So those formative years when you both should have been single, learning who you are as adults, having some fun, dating, figuring out who is and isn't right for you.....you both pretty much skipped out on all that. What you are dealing with now is the fall out of that - that itch of what all he missed out on, what else is out there.

    Personally, I think you need to stop kidding yourself about what this is. It's not a break, it's a break up. You are split, no longer living together and so on. The "break" thing is him literally putting your life on hold as a back up plan while he figures out what he wants and whether the grass is greener or not. How "nice" for him, but how utterly foolish of you. Sorry OP, but I have to be brutally honest with you. Do not play "on break" games. Either you are together or you are broken up and free to do as you wish with your life. Never ever waste time waiting on someone.

    This means that you take this time to focus on yourself and who you are as a person as opposed one half of a relationship. Your instincts were actually correct that your relationship was sour and one sided. You've spent too much time already living his life, his hobbies, his interests, etc. Time to start living your own, your hobbies, your interests and you if don't have any, then this is your time to learn and figure out what actually interests you as a person, and yes, go and date when you feel ready.

    The point of doing that is that even if he ever comes back, YOU, need to be able to look at him through fresh eyes. This guy wasn't afraid to lose you and that's the harsh bottom line. You might find that you are the one who doesn't want him anymore after all because he isn't and was never all that, he was simply all you knew for way too long.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I always look at these breaks as *he is willing to risk losing you. He may be back. . but he is willing to take the risk. How does that feel?

    I also think that when someone gets to the point that they want a break. . a break to figure themselves out and a break from the relationship. .They've thought long and hard about this and after 8 years invested in a relationship, a clean break is awfully scary. What better way then to wean yourself slowly, given the other person has given you permission to.

    He may be back. .but in the meantime you are responsible for taking care of yourself. You two are no longer a team.
    If by taking care of yourself. . what would that look like?

    There isn't a lot of motivation to return if he knows you are on the shelf he put you on.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    IMO "taking a break" is them keeping you tethered so you don't wonder off while they check their options.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    IMO "taking a break" is them keeping you tethered so you don't wonder off while they check their options.
    Normally, I agree but they've agreed not to see others in this case and IMO that means there is not that intention in this situation.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Normally, I agree but they've agreed not to see others in this case and IMO that means there is not that intention in this situation.
    Adding to that: They had been living together, they've been living the life of a married couple for many years. This isn't like the usual we read around here where the couple have been dating a short while and haven't melded lives much in any way. That situation doesn't warrant a "break" but rather a total break up.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    This is a tough heartbreaking thing to watch unfold in your life and have zero control over since the ball is in his court.

    You need to take control of this situation. That means you need to figure out what you want for your life, not just now but the rest of your life. Marriage, children, house, traveling, shared experiences and interests? Make a list and then sit and look at that list and ask yourself "is he capable of being my partner in life?" You have known him a very long time so you can surely answer that question honestly to yourself. I think you already know the answer but your heart doesn't want to hear it.

    Our minds know when something isn't good for us but our hearts just want love, to be loved and wanted so it hangs on even when it isn't all that great because what is the alternative? Heartache and loneliness. Who willingly goes down that path if they don't have to.

    I would suggest that YOU don't know who you are either because you have always been his girlfriend and nothing else. I am not in favor of just calling and telling him it is over and I am going to start dating because that is not realistic in this case. You still love him and he loves you but hard choices need to be made. It can be possible to love each other and not work out as a couple.

    You need to heal and begin to figure out who you are and what you want for your life or you could very well find yourself in the same boat with a new guy in 2 years. A great couple is formed by two people with their own lives merging them into a shared life. You don't lose yourself and he doesn't stop being who he is but you are much more than the sum of the two parts. That didn't happen here since you started in 8th grade.

    You can't stay in limbo that is for sure. Some sort of time frame or date in the near future needs to be set to meet and talk. It has been a month so if this guy doesn't know in another 30 days then he basically has made the choice for you both.

    I would tell him you would like to sit down and talk things over on February 29th. During that time you can use it to figure out exactly what you want for your life and what you would like your future (with or without him) to look like.

    These slow motion break ups are tough.

    Keep posting
    Lost

  11. #20
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    @LINS. You say that you are still very much in contact with his family since they have been your extended family as a married couple (for all intents and purposes). Have they given you any insight into what your boyfriend needs (if anything further) to figure out what he wants or what he's going to do.

    I agree that to put yourself in his hands 100% isn't fair but I think that most of us (all?) will agree that you're not likely to just phone him up and end your relationship with him on the advice of strangers on the internet.

    I will give you a positive bit of advice from someone who has been there and is now married for 40+ years to the man that, like your b/f, took me for granted knowing I was always willing to be there. I didn't call him, I lived my life, I did my thing and after almost two months of no contact he called me to ask if he could see me and we fell into each other arms only to be together from that day forward. It killed me not to call him and give him an ultimatum but I did it by living my life and letting him live his. We weren't living together at that point but we had been exclusive bf/gf for three years. I wanted him to make a decision on his own without me making it for him through ultimatum or threat. It was so much more sweeter when he chose to keep me in his life and to learn that there is a balance of time to be shared between friends and lovers and hobbies, that I didn't need all of his time but a nice balance is possible, doable and sufficient.

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