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Thread: Feeling unloved

  1. #1

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    Feeling unloved

    Iíve been in a relationship for 30 years. Weíre both 50. We are both in good shape and still pretty easy on the eyes. We both get compliments and hit on occasionally when we're out and about. I realized Iíve been sad for awhile and didnít know why. My wife and I have a pretty good sex life. About once a week and it's a pretty passionate event... although I realized that the rest of the week Iím pretty much on my own. She doesnít hug back, never says I love you unless I say it first. She never takes time out of her day to see how Iím doing. I do all of the above frequently and with passionÖ although never get it back. I brought it up recently and she turned it around on me and said Iím being too needy. I told her that our relationship has been put on hold because for our love our kids... although now that they are teenagers 13 and 15, we should try and find each other again. I told her we had alot of passion before the kids and I thought it would be fun to find that romantic spark again. Instead of hearing me, she again, accuses me of being too needy. It hurts to open up and get tossed under the bus. I donít feel Iím needy, I just want someone to love me backÖ I told her Iíd like us to go to therapy although she replied that we are good and she loves meÖ although I should go if I want, although she doesnít feel she needs it. I donít want to let go of her althoughÖ The thought that keeps haunting me... Life is too short to not feel loved.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Go to therapy alone. It's often advised that each person do some individual counseling and then brings the things you've learned to marital counseling.
    Besides, you options do you have?
    Make an appointment for yourself. Go and see what transpires

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    I agree that going to counselling alone will be the place to start. This should help you learn why you are feeling sad. In some ways you are 'fill your happiness bucket' by drawing from your wife's apparent happiness. And while she doesn't think anything is wrong, your need for more from her is seen as needy. There may be more to your unhappiness than just lack of interest from your wife. It might be lack of goals, a general boredom with the flow of your life, a lack of something to apply your passions to.

    It may be that she has already checked out of the relationship. She throws you a bone once a week to keep you happy enough, and then gets on with her stuff. She does seem disinterested in making the relationship better, or rekindling. 30 years is a long time, and especially with 15 of those with kids. I wouldn't be surprised if in a few years, once the kids are older and out of the home, that she disconnects more and eventually leaves 'to find some excitement again.'

    So, you can try to ignite the passion again and see what happens. Like a fire, asking it to burn more won't do anything, you need to throw on better fuel. Be spontaneous again. Take her out on dates to things she likes. Not just dinner, theatre, interesting locations, a hike or whatever. Be the proverbial man in the relationship again and see if that changes anything. And if it doesn't, then perhaps you need to think about leaving. Life is too short to live an unhappy life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It there someone else you're interested in? Get to a doctor for a complete physical evaluation. You need to rule out underlying neurological, metabolic and mood issues. Then therapy to get ongoing support. Romance is not about how often you have sex or "get hit on". You need to first of all get to the root of vague sadness and not blame her. Then you need to start doing things like when you first dated. Stop foisting all the blame on her, she's not the problem. Your mood and the stagnation is.

    Get in shape, join some clubs and groups, volunteer. Get new clothes, haircut etc. Make sure your grooming is good. Help out with the kids do things with them don't be one of them. Help out around the house. Basically be busy so you don't find yourself nagging and stewing around the house bored and needy.
    Originally Posted by filmguy5
    Iíve been in a relationship for 30 years. Weíre both 50. I realized Iíve been sad for awhile and didnít know why. My wife and I have a pretty good sex life. I told her that our relationship has been put on hold because for our love our kids. I donít feel Iím needy, I just want someone to love me back

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Counseling is always good. Counselors know a lot about relationships and can sometimes help. But they don't always understand love very well.

    She loves you but perhaps not as much as she once did. Her love level has gone down a little. To bring it back up you have to see where you may have slacked up - in trust, romance, affection, or respect. Do you still treat her sometimes like when you first dated? Gifts, or date nights, a passionate kiss or hug? Vacation? A weekly date night?

    Try doing one or some of those things again, and you might bring back her fire for you.

    Never stop dating your SO

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    The best way to change someone's behavior is to change your own. If you don't hang out with guy friends or don't have any hobbies/interests, start doing that. Maybe she will see you in a new light and miss you. Maybe she has seen you as fawning all over her, overly affectionate, and has pulled back because she likes affection sometimes, but not overdone. If she has been affectionate in the past, did that rouse you so much that you wanted to leap into bed immediately? Maybe she holds back now because every time she hugged you, she didn't necessarily want sex at that moment. Just guessing because that happened in my first marriage, and he basically taught me not to give him physical affection unless I was ready to hop into the sack. And the only time he gave me affection was when he wanted intimacy, not in between. Think of if those dynamics match your situation.

    If you're in the daily habit of hugging and saying I Love You, stop doing that on certain days and see if she eventually comes through for you. You might be pleasantly surprised if you wait it out. You can try a new hobby together to inject excitement back into your lives like taking Tango or Salsa lessons. Try new activities like zip lining, mini weekends away in a nearby town, etc.

    It's too bad she blows you off when you try to discuss issues. I agree that counseling for yourself will be a good step in getting insight on the issues, and how best to address them. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You want to romance? You have to romance her back. Have date nights, go dancing, buy her a nice dress and go for a nice dinner, buy her flowers, take her to a movie hold hands, be kinda old fashion about it. You see women want to be shown not through affection/sex, but through gestures. Don't tell her she should be doing this, or isn't doing that is so counter productive. If you change your behavior towards her, she will change too. Also having a life outside the marriage is beneficial too. Going off for the weekend to fish or whatever with a buddy, or picking up a hobby that get you out of the house will keep things fresh. Trying something new might entice her to join you and enjoy the interest together.

  9. #8
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    It sounds to me that she takes the marriage for granted and has gotten too comfortable with not showing affection. Almost as if she's become desensitised to showing affection, which is key in maintaining a healthy relationship. That is one big mistake, IMHO.

    As other posters have suggested, you should go to therapy yourself to start. And, as Wiseman suggested, start doing things that you did when you started dating her See how she reacts.

    What also has occurred to me is that she perhaps acts this way because of hormonal changes (ie menopause). It's possible. I believe we are all aware of its affect on a woman'd body. I will say, though, that I find it upsetting that she's believes that she doesn't need therapy. I guess to each his own but you sound so kind, loving and affectionate and not at all needy. Any woman in her right mind would very much love to be treated with such kindness and affection. Maybe I feel this way because my ex did all he could to make me feel small and unappreciated...


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