how do i move on?

I just want to say that I know that it's my fault and I have given my ex boyfriend space I just don't know how to move on.

 

For the past two years I was in a really toxic situation and it ruined me, I was manipulated, lied to and used by someone I thought I loved so I became really damaged. During that time a boy I know was really interested in me but I told him about my situation and he helped me through it and he wanted more but I told him I couldn't lead him on and hurt him when I was struggling to let go.

At the start of this university year after speaking now and again in the summer I decided to give into him as he was begging for just 1 date with me and I ended up having the best night of my life. I fell really fast for him because he was so sweet and I knew he would never hurt me and i'd never had someone treat me the way he does.

We'd been together for 4 months and we began to argue because I was paranoid about things, we'd only been on that one date and whenever we'd made plans for a second date night he'd cancel on me to see his friends and it was starting to really bother me. We'd agree to make plans one night and he'd lie and say he has really important work to do and then i'd see him out with his friends 2 hours later and not understand why he couldn't just tell me the truth?

Basically we attempted another date night last Monday and he cancelled on me again and after a week of arguing he started not replying, ignoring me and being really distant and after being in a toxic situation I panicked because I thought he was going to leave me. I stupidly broke up with him out of anger and immediately regretted it the next day and I know it was immature of me but I felt like I wasn't a priority and he didn't want to fix the relationship as much as I did

I've been trying to give him space for the past week and fixing it when he wants to talk to me but hes pushed himself away and I completely understand, one minute he says he wants to fix it and he loves me but now he's just cold and keeps saying he's unsure. It's all my fault and i'm so in love with him but i'm prepared for the worst.

I don't know how to move on from someone that I love and I have no reason to hate, this was my first boyfriend/relationship so it's a big lesson for the future but I've spiralled into a really sad place and I miss him and i'm not sure how to move on and stop thinking about how perfect It was

We'd been together for 4 months and we began to argue because I was paranoid about things, we'd only been on that one date and whenever we'd made plans for a second date night he'd cancel on me to see his friends and it was starting to really bother me. We'd agree to make plans one night and he'd lie and say he has really important work to do and then i'd see him out with his friends 2 hours later and not understand why he couldn't just tell me the truth?

 

felt like I wasn't a priority and he didn't want to fix the relationship as much as I did

 

i'm not sure how to move on and stop thinking about how perfect It was

 

Girl. Please re-read what you've written.

 

One measly date in 4 months is not perfect.

 

Canceling on you and lying to avoid going on a date with you is not perfect.

 

I don't know what definition of perfect you're trying to re-write, but you're in serious denial. It sounds like that one date was all he needed to decide he didn't really want a true relationship with you, but you unfortunately developed feelings for him. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you but he definitely was not that into you and should have been honest about it. A guy who really likes you isn't going to keep dodging a second date with you. Remember that.

 

You were right to end it. Why? See the bit I underlined above - you aren't a priority and he doesn't want to fix it. There is nothing to go back to here. Detach and heal, and when you're ready, you will find a guy who wouldn't dream of lying to you to avoid going out with you.

Ask your parents to take you to a doctor and a therapist. Get involved in school/college and focus on your grades/future/career. Get involved in sports, clubs, groups and volunteer. This way you will meet normal healthy people. Stop identifying as a victim. Start making better choices in life.

 

My advice remains the same: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=559458&p=7126237&viewfull=1#post7126237

For the past two years I was in a really toxic situation and it ruined me, I was manipulated, lied to and used by someone I thought I loved so I became really damaged.

I'm not identifying as a victim i'm just trying to explain that the previous situation I was in has affected my trust in other people

I was in a really toxic situation and it ruined me, I was manipulated, lied to and used by someone I thought I loved so I became really damaged.

 

If you consider yourself to be ruined and damaged, then you are far from ready to date again. The new guy likely recognized this and took the cue from you--you're not ready.

 

Work with a therapist to heal and learn that nobody else can damage you without your consent. It's up to each of us to make the choice between whether our experiences will damage us or make us stronger and smarter.

 

Choose wisely.

So he begged you for a date and after he got the date and I am guessing sex at some point he now does not have time for you? Is that about right?

 

Cut this guy loose and do some more healing. This guy is not perfect, the date was not all that great because it was all a show to get what he wanted.

 

Listen if you are in the desert and dying of thirst and you come across a dirty mud hole that water is going to taste like the best water you have ever had.

 

Go total NC on this jerk, get your self esteem built back up while you are single and then try dating again. There are tons of guys that seek out wounded prey to victimize, don't fall for their lines and fake gestures of concern.

 

Moving on means acceptance. Take a brutally honest look at your situation, this guy and what you want in your life. Once you do I think you will stop feeling sad and lonely and get angry.

 

Lost

This man doesn't warrant giving trust to because you've been on the grand total of 1 date and ever since he's lied and put off seeing you again. You have not been together for 4 months! Cut your losses and find someone who'll want to get to know you because this one obviously doesn't.

You tried to replace your previous relationship with this guy.

 

You were in such a rush to try to feel better that you didn't really get to know this guy well. Now that you know him better turns out he's not the savior you thought he was.

 

Now you've had two toxic situations in a row instead of the one.

 

Take a break from trying to cover the pain with boys. Give yourself time to recover before you try to date again.

I panicked because I thought he was going to leave me.

You are not seeing that he is not interested in being in a relationship with you so you broke up with him which was you being good to yourself, you looking out for your best interests so why now are you wanting to get back with him so you can suffer more pain and indignity when he treats you like dirt once again?

 

You run away from men who lie to you and make you feel like chit, you don't "give them space" hoping they will change their mind. Please seriously think about getting yourself into therapy to figure out why you dislike yourself so much that you want to be with someone who treats you poorly yet again.

 

You need to learn how to love yourself so that you expect only good treatment from people and if they are not giving you good treatment then you dump them and you want them to stay gone from your life. You have to learn to believe that you are the prize that any guy should want to be with and if he's ditching you, then he's gone and gone for good.

 

It's all my fault and i'm so in love with him but i'm prepared for the worst.

Why are you so "in love" with an a-hole that made plans with you and then ditched you to go out with his friends? Why aren't you disgusted with his BS to the point that you'd not want to see him again even if you were crushing on him? You need to figure that out before you date anyone again.

 

I'm not identifying as a victim i'm just trying to explain that the previous situation I was in has affected my trust in other people

 

Then you will only attract untrustful people until you work on yourself. We only attract to us people that are slightly above or slightly below our own mental and emotional well being.

OP....one date is NOT a relationship. You haven't been with him for 4 months, you've been on a one date with him. That is all. Since that date, he's done nothing but lie to you and jerk you around yet you are in love? What you call love in reality is your addiction to being treated like dirt - the adrenaline rush of uncertainty.

 

Please get some counseling through your uni and get your head screwed on straight. Your past toxic relationship didn't break you. Your picker was always broken because here you are not recognizing at all that this guy #2 is as toxic as the previous one. In fact, guy #2 was never sweet, he was always a snake in the grass....but you are not understanding that and for that reason you need to some hard core counseling. You need to learn what is right and what is wrong and based on your post, you don't have a clue. You've got to fix this so you don't continue to get involved with jerks and keep mistaking them for nice people.

Why didn't you dump him after the first time he bailed on you for his friends? You have really allowed this guy to treat you like trash. This was far from "perfect" and there was no relationship.

 

Do you have friends?

 

Four months and one date?! I don't get this! Have you been having sex with him?

 

You need to block and have no contact with this jerk, and I would suggest not dating anyone for at least one year. You really need to get you self esteem and boundaries in check as you are choosing bad guys.

 

Get some therapy, please.

You move on by knowing once a liar, always a liar. You move on by knowing that high quality character matters to you even when your back is turned. You move on by knowing this is not the end of the world and there are far better men out there. Not all of them are jerks. Granted, it will be like finding a needle in a haystack to find "thee one" but if you think straight, you will remain patient and never settle for mediocrity or less than that.

 

It was NOT perfect. Get that out of your head and stop being fixated and preoccupied with an illusion because you need to stop denying harsh reality.

 

Move on by savoring your alone time and surrounding yourself with very high quality, moral people. They'll be healthy influences on you. Control your environment by associating with only stable people with integrity.

Who was the creep you wrote about in May?

Op.. some many moons ago and someone who was wise to the ways of relationships asked me this question and it applies to you today... Why on Earth do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?

Other truths that you might have missed and others have said. You never had him, he was never yours. You two were never exclusive and for whatever reason, he doesn't want to be with you. He made dates with you to get you to stop bothering him and then break them off because he simply didn't want to go out with you. There doesn't have to be a valid reason, he just didn't want to go out with you. Also, he never saw you as GF material, didn't think of you as a long term date or partner and he now he has moved on from you.

Those are the truths. This would explain his behavior and why he did things.

Now, you went out on one date and you are in love with the perfect relationship. You thought and still think this perfect relationship is possible with this guy. Its not. Your idea or dream of a relationship with this guy is not going to happen. You have him on this pedestal thinking he was perfect. Here is a secret.. he is not. This guy wasn't the one you were meant to be.

Instead of thinking your damaged why don't you change your thinking and say it was his loss and not yours. In the last 4 months you have been so wrapped up with this guy and the fantasy of a perfect relationship you lost sight who you are. Go do things that make you happy and let life handle the rest. A guy is out there waiting to find you.