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Thread: Am I too jealous?

  1. #1
    Karub's Avatar
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    Am I too jealous?

    It will be long but I'll try to sum up the details.
    I'm in a relationship with someone I met through gaming. It is almost a year now. He lives in another country but we already met in person, everything was perfect, I love him and he loves me. I have no doubts about his feelings towards me. The only thing that is bothering us is the distance, but we managed so far by daily calls. Yet there was something more annoying, for me at least. We are both passionate gamers and love to spend time gaming, either just the two of us or with some friends. Here comes the annoying part for me. He has been friends with a girl for many years. I spent some time with her while we were playing video games together (all 3 of us) and got to know her enough to give a judgment. She is a friendly person, but likes male attention a lot. She changes her voice pitch to a higher level whenever we are playing video games with strangers, to make herself sound female and get recognized by the strangers as a girl instead of sounding like a young boy with a girly voice. She also shares bikini pictures on a group full of boys (thats why she broke up with her boyfriend). I found it weird but didn't comment it up to this day. She never hits me up to invite me to a game, she always messages my boyfriend. My bf has her number and all of her social media (but I was never bothered by it). Whenever I am playing alone, she doesn't ask me for a game, but the second my boyfriend is online, she immediately messages him or calls him on the call application we use to talk while gaming. Okay so far you probably think this is just a normal gaming friendship. But another detail enters the room now. Last summer she wanted to visit my boyfriend along with another friend, but since her friend cancelled she also cancelled her flight. I got extremely jealous and didn't understand why he wants to meet up with the only female friend he has, as he is really popular amongst his friends and has many male friends who he also knows for years. He assured me for weeks that the girl was never his type anyway etc. so I kinda felt better. But even more when the whole trip was cancelled. Lately I have been very busy with uni, I only talk with him some hours a day. Most of the days he spends gaming with the girl. I was very jealous lately, not because I distrust him or her, but about the clinginess of her towards my boyfriend. I always see them together in a call, whenever he plays a game she is also there, even though she never joined the games I played. I talked to him about the clinginess of her and that it was annoying me, but he just interrupted me saying I am just trying to make him dislike his friends etc. which is not true at all. I didn't talk bad about her, I just told him I felt uncomfortable about such a clingy friendship. She used to join our games which we were enjoying alone even though none of us invited her. I am an introvert type and like to have space with my boyfriend. I don't like the way that friend intrudes our personal space. But he said I am being too dramatic and too jealous etc. even though I told him several times, it is not that I don't trust him, I don't like the constant close being of her. We fought about this now for the second time and I really don't wanna lose him, I know he values his friends a lot, I try to keep up with his socialness. But the person I am, I never understood this kind of clinginess in a friendship, as for me, I message my friends maybe once in a week or every second week. I hope you guys can give a neutral statement on this situation and how I can help myself with this issue. I dont know if I am this jealous because of the long distance relationship (even though the girl is also far to him, but they almost met) or because I can't stand sharing him with his friends?

    PS: He also keeps the friendship with his ex girlfriend who called me "stupid snowflake" because I shared my dislike about a popular tv show. He told me this is an issue between me and her, he won't just give up on the friendship with her, but he will try to keep the contact level low. The friendship itself bothered me enough, but when the insult was thrown into the room, I could even understand less why he wants to be friends with her.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You are definitely a jealous person and you are wrong to expect him to give up any friends, male or female, that he has had for years, because you dont like it. You cant tell him who to hang out with and expect him to ditch those people and talk only to you who lives far away.

    LDRs rearely work out, the distance just gets in the way too much. I predict you and he will end this LDR before too long and move on. You should be looking for a guy who lives in your area who you can spend time with.

  3. #3
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    How do you expect this to work? Are you going to see one another on a yearly basis?

    You are too jealous and insecure.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    How are you supposed to maintain a romantic relationship over electronic devices?

    Too much time spent sitting in front of a computer or gaming console. You can't hug, kiss, hold hands with or share a meal with someone over an electronic device.

    And since you two are not together in person you'll always be wondering what he's doing when you're not on one of your devices communicating with him.

    You say you're in school. How about meeting and dating a nice boy at your school instead of trying to force a "relationship" with some guy in another country who you've only seen in person one time?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If you can't close the distance of living near a partner after a year, don't do it. If you wanted to marry a foreigner, it takes thousands of dollars for a fiance VISA process, and in some countries, including America, you have to prove you can financially support a spouse before that VISA is approved. You also have to sign an affidavit that you will be financially responsible for that person for a period of 10 years, even if the marriage quickly ends in divorce, if the person is approved for a green card and allowed to stay regardless of the divorce.

    I think people who initially enter LDRs have barriers to forming a real live, local relationship. Either they have something to hide they don't want local people to see that's easy to disguise in long distance, or a person is emotionally not ready for the closeness of a local relationship. LDRs are the hardest, and highest risk forms of relationships, so unless you're living where there are extremely few prospects your age, it's best to drop that practice and find someone local.

  7. #6
    Karub's Avatar
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    In my previous relationship, my ex also had a female friend about whom I shouldnt worry too much. He was spending a lot of time with her and at the end his friend fell in love with him (he didn't tell me until I noticed that they stopped talking). So naturally there is this jealousy inside me. But I never forbad my boyfriend anything. I allow him to hang out with his female friend, talk to his ex even if she insulted me (I asked him only how he can keep a friendship with someone who insults his loved one) and so on. Once , he left our call that lasted maybe 5 minutes to go on a call with his female friend to book hotels for the trip. He told me to wait 30 minutes, I waited an hour but he was still in a call with her. So i got tired of waiting and went to sleep and the next morning, I saw messages of both of them in our group 5 hours after our call mentioning how happy they are that they found a place to stay. So they were spending 5 hours in a call while I spent only 5 minutes with him. That is where the jealousy kinda began. The fact that he is spending more time with her lately and her clinginess towards my boyfriend. He told me she only is so clingy because she likes to play games together. But as I mentioned before, she never really played games with me, only with other male friends, even though I greet her often and sent her even a gift card on her birthday. The distance was never really a problem as I mentioned before, of course I try out local relationships before but it never worked out. My boyfriend is a very loving, caring person and just the perfect "husband" material. But we both want to finish uni first before moving together.

  8. #7
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    You have met this guy once. You really don't know someone that you have spent a few days with.

    Who traveled to who? Are you moving to his country?

  9. #8
    Karub's Avatar
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    I travelled to him and our next meeting is in a few weeks. He will travel to me afterwards. Of course I don't plan to move in with him as soon as I'm finished with studies, it is just about the estimated time it takes. We didn't really talk about whose country yet, he is an IT engineer and plans to work abroad once he collected enough experience in his job, so it could be any country in this world, he prefers Canada or Australia though I told him I prefer to stay local. But those events are still in the future.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Just wanted to mention, that it would help your reader if you broke this up into paragraphs. One huge wall of text to read like this is very hard on the eyes.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You're going to have a realize that this is an issue with your BOYFRIEND not this girl. This girl can behave however she wants to. She can be flirty, she can show loads of bikini pictures. That's her right to. You as another female don't have to be hating on her for it.

    The problem comes in when your boyfriend enjoys it, accepts her and loves to spend time with her. That's not her fault, this is who your boyfriend is and what HE keeps choosing.
    Make no mistake about it, if this girl were to all of a sudden disappear, some other girl who is similar would eventually come along, and he would like her too.

    This is something in him. He wants to befriend other women. He wants to spend time with them. He enjoys their company and their pictures, etc.
    If you don't like it and aren't comfortable with it, your only choice is to dump your boyfriend. But you cannot force and you cannot keep telling him not to do something.
    It won't work.

    Either accept how HE is or lose the boyfriend. That's your choices.

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