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Tips on taking a dating break, figuring out what you want


dmveep

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After a particularly rough stretch of dating, I’ve decided to take a break from dating. I want to take some time to think about what’s most important and how to go about finding it.

 

I’ve had two long term relationships with two very similar women. They were both very sweet, nice girls that I found attractive. They both always made me feel very warm and safe. I felt like I could talk about anything with them. They both came from good families. They were both nerdy, liberal, and skinny. They both were introverts and aren’t the type of people I would be friends with generally. They didn’t really like to socialize, had few friends, and didn’t like to party. They were somewhat uptight and homebodies. They both seemed to like my goofy brand of humor.

 

I’m a nerdy, compassionate, extrovert. I have a few extra pounds. I’m not really into to politics. I love music, socializing, partying, travel, and people watching. Most of my friends are social people who like to go out and do things to.

 

I’m really confused about how I dated two women that were very different from me in many ways for much longer than women who I seem to have a lot in common. While I loved them both, I always found it frustrating that our lifestyles weren’t very compatible in terms of social habits. They also both came from above average families interns of functionality, whereas I’ve had a somewhat challenging family background. One of them I dated for three years and the other for two years.

 

Am I attracted to qualities that maybe I’m lacking in myself and vice versa? Should I just have been satisfied with them even though we weren’t compatible in certain ways?

 

I just feel lost and am not sure about anything anymore. I’ve been on so many online dates, met some people at bars and parties. I have oodles of stupid dating stories. I’m just not sure what to do anymore. I don’t know what questions to ask myself. I’ve dedicated so many of my resources in terms of time and money into dates with nothing to show, and it’s just feeling hopeless. Any suggestions on getting out of this mindset or finding a better way to meet people?

 

I often find myself meeting women who are very physically attractive and bad personalities and vice versa. I’m really looking to find someone in between that, where they are physically attractive enough and have an acceptable personality. A balanced person so to speak. Is this a reasonable goal?

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I’m really looking to find someone in between that, where they are physically attractive enough and have an acceptable personality. A balanced person so to speak. Is this a reasonable goal?

 

- I think that's very smart.

 

A few ideas:

 

Dating is the search for a needle in a haystack.

 

Don't try to make a woman your whole world.

 

The best way to meet people is to get them to come to you. Get a part time sales job where you meet lots of women.

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So are you looking to take a break or not? I'm confused. What would taking a break do if you want to meet someone? I think you have to be in it to win it, you have to be out there practicing your dating skills and meeting people in general to improve and fine tune what you are looking for.

 

When you say physically attractive do you mean you have to be attracted to them or more in the way of eye candy/look what I was able to attract!

 

Here are my suggestions:

 

Improve your health/fitness- even if you don't lose weight or much weight, make sure you are in the best shape you possibly can be. Make that your goal. (If you like that suggestion I'll give you more suggestions based on what I do -I'm 53 now and health/fitness is more of a priority than ever but has been in general for me since around 1982).

 

Put yourself in situations where you meet people who either are single women or people who can introduce you to single women and will make good choices because you're going to meet people doing things you like to do. So for example do volunteer work where you interact with people doing something you're good at doing. Volunteering backstage or front stage at a community theater would be perfect for you. Go on trips with other singles, hiking or further travel. Take swing dancing or salsa dancing lessons.

 

I think you're overthinking the past - trying to see patterns, - not that it's irrelevant but you're getting stuck in the weeds. Yes, often people attract people who have different qualities and interests. I am an extrovert who married an introvert. Today I went to an event with our son that had a coffee thing after. I had 15 minutes at the coffee thing. In that 15 minutes I chatted with 3 people, one of whom I know a little bit. In that 15 minutes I learned really helpful information that could make our lives so much easier next fall. Had my husband gone instead he would either have left right after the event or gotten a bagel and sat at a table by himself and been polite if someone approached him. He'd never have gone to sit with others and get involved in a conversation. I love him anyway! And probably because of it -he taught me how not to be so chatty/overshare (which I have done, and still do/am tempted to do when I'm nervous especially).

 

Good luck!

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- I think that's very smart.

 

A few ideas:

 

Dating is the search for a needle in a haystack.

 

Don't try to make a woman your whole world.

 

The best way to meet people is to get them to come to you. Get a part time sales job where you meet lots of women.

 

A lot of people I know in relationships met through friends or work. I’m a health care provider, so I meet lots of people everyday but dating patients isn’t very ethical. I also only work with a handful of people in a small practice, so I’m trying to find new ways of meeting the right type of people. I love the idea of online dating but after a 100-150 dates, I’ve found a lot of people are stuck on their baggage and seem somewhat bitter towards dating/relationships.

 

As an aside, I have a platonic friend who is pretty similar to the women I had long term relationships with except she is very social. When we first met, through a social sport league, I never thought we could be friends since she is so uptight. However, she has become a really great friend. She is also very attractive. I found myself wanting to make a move on her last night. I really value our friendship and don’t want to sacrifice that, but I’m curious about it. We both have had our share of struggles with dating. I can’t help but wonder at times if she’s the one I should be dating and she’s been right under my nose the whole time. I’m afraid to open that can of worms even though in many respects she could be an amazing partner.

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Jeez, do not "make a move"! Do not "go in for a kiss"! You have to find out first if she'd even be receptive.

 

I had a male friend tell me very simply "I know both of us have had our ups and downs with dating. I think it would be a great idea if we dated each other". Unfortunately in that case I did not feel the same way he did but I thought his approach was a good one. Not creepy, not pushy, just a nice simple statement.

 

I suggest you try the same with your friend.

 

Side note, my friend saying that did NOT "ruin" our friendship. We remained friends because we had both conducted that situation with care and respect.

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When you say physically attractive do you mean you have to be attracted to them or more in the way of eye candy/look what I was able to attract!

 

Here are my suggestions:

 

Improve your health/fitness- even if you don't lose weight or much weight, make sure you are in the best shape you possibly can be. Make that your goal. (If you like that suggestion I'll give you more suggestions based on what I do -I'm 53 now and health/fitness is more of a priority than ever but has been in general for me since around 1982).

 

Put yourself in situations where you meet people who either are single women or people who can introduce you to single women and will make good choices because you're going to meet people doing things you like to do. So for example do volunteer work where you interact with people doing something you're good at doing. Volunteering backstage or front stage at a community theater would be perfect for you. Go on trips with other singles, hiking or further travel. Take swing dancing or salsa dancing lessons.

 

In terms of physical attraction, they just have to be attractive enough. I will say that I have a strong preference for skinny ladies though, although I wish I didn’t. I’ve tried to go on a few dates with women that I thought had incredible personalities but I didn’t find sexually attractive and that just doesn’t change. I’m not in bad shape by any means, but I could be in better shape. I’m 6’0” and weigh 208 lbs to give you some idea. I workout about 3x week.

 

Those are some good ideas. I guess I was wondering if I spent more time doing general social activities instead online dates, it might be more fruitful?

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A lot of people I know in relationships met through friends or work. I’m a health care provider, so I meet lots of people everyday but dating patients isn’t very ethical. I also only work with a handful of people in a small practice, so I’m trying to find new ways of meeting the right type of people. I love the idea of online dating but after a 100-150 dates, I’ve found a lot of people are stuck on their baggage and seem somewhat bitter towards dating/relationships.

 

As an aside, I have a platonic friend who is pretty similar to the women I had long term relationships with except she is very social. When we first met, through a social sport league, I never thought we could be friends since she is so uptight. However, she has become a really great friend. She is also very attractive. I found myself wanting to make a move on her last night. I really value our friendship and don’t want to sacrifice that, but I’m curious about it. We both have had our share of struggles with dating. I can’t help but wonder at times if she’s the one I should be dating and she’s been right under my nose the whole time. I’m afraid to open that can of worms even though in many respects she could be an amazing partner.

 

I met my husband originally at work . We worked in different departments and on different floors. I would talk to your friend, when you're both sober. When my husband and I got back together that is what he did - after 3 platonic dates he simply and directly asked if I wanted to get back together. We didn't have our first real kiss until our next time together, two weeks later.

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Jeez, do not "make a move"! Do not "go in for a kiss"! You have to find out first if she'd even be receptive.

 

I had a male friend tell me very simply "I know both of us have had our ups and downs with dating. I think it would be a great idea if we dated each other". Unfortunately in that case I did not feel the same way he did but I thought his approach was a good one. Not creepy, not pushy, just a nice simple statement.

 

I suggest you try the same with your friend.

 

Side note, my friend saying that did NOT "ruin" our friendship. We remained friends because we had both conducted that situation with care and respect.

 

That’s not a bad idea. I know her well enough that just trying to make a move on her would not go over well even if she had the hots for me given our history as friends. I’ve seen a couple of the guy’s she’s dated and I don’t really fit the bill of her “type” in the physical attraction category though.

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That’s not a bad idea. I know her well enough that just trying to make a move on her would not go over well even if she had the hots for me given our history as friends. I’ve seen a couple of the guy’s she’s dated and I don’t really fit the bill of her “type” in the physical attraction category though.

 

I would not go by that. At all. You are being far too superficial. Also, people change types -especially about looks -all the time -and I've heard so many many stories- haven't you - about a person who says 'I never went for that type but....." and they smile adoringly at their partner.

 

Here's an anecdote you might like. Well over 20 years ago I had an unhappily single friend who was typically picking unavailable men (married, or not into her at all) or having one night stands -she was jaded and cynical. I mentioned once how much I loved dark hair and blue eyes in a man. I did -I guess I still would find that attractive! (my husband happens to have dark hair and hazel-ish eyes).

 

Anyway she sent me an email one day "I met the perfect man for you!!" -she'd met him at a business meeting Apparently he was perfect because he had dark hair and blue eyes. I really was shocked that she (she was then in her late 30s) would assume that that was the be all and end all of a perfect match for me.

 

It's not like that. it's not that superficial. Certainly people have physical feature dealbreakers -I had some too. But yes people who have chemistry -it's most often only partly about looks.

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I've never seen anyone talk about "taking a break from dating" who actually meant it. Inevitably their next thought is "making a move" on someone and that's how you know they're not serious.

 

Anyone who is actually serious about this will take some time to take their own personal inventory, look inward and focus on personal development--learn a new skill, switch jobs or secure a promotion at your current job, stretch yourself beyond your comfort level in (non-dating) situations, make it a point to expose yourself to situations that challenge you as a person. In other words, don't worry about others appealing to you, work on becoming a mature, quality person that other quality people want to associate with. Looks have absolutely nothing to do with that. Sure, you want someone who cares enough about themselves to take care of themselves, but I've never seen a man (or woman) with physical attractiveness as their primary factor in searching for a significant other who has ever been able to cultivate a successful relationship.

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I've never seen anyone talk about "taking a break from dating" who actually meant it. Inevitably their next thought is "making a move" on someone and that's how you know they're not serious.

 

Anyone who is actually serious about this will take some time to take their own personal inventory, look inward and focus on personal development--learn a new skill, switch jobs or secure a promotion at your current job, stretch yourself beyond your comfort level in (non-dating) situations, make it a point to expose yourself to situations that challenge you as a person. In other words, don't worry about others appealing to you, work on becoming a mature, quality person that other quality people want to associate with. Looks have absolutely nothing to do with that. Sure, you want someone who cares enough about themselves to take care of themselves, but I've never seen a man (or woman) with physical attractiveness as their primary factor in searching for a significant other who has ever been able to cultivate a successful relationship.

 

Physical attraction is not all I’m after, I thought that was pretty clear. They just have to be good enough. I’m not seeking a perfect 10 super model type. There just has to be some physical attraction, otherwise the person is just a platonic friend.

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Physical attraction is not all I’m after, I thought that was pretty clear. They just have to be good enough. I’m not seeking a perfect 10 super model type. There just has to be some physical attraction, otherwise the person is just a platonic friend.

 

That term suggests that you're willing to settle for less than what you want or feel you deserve. Don't worry about someone else being "good enough" for you. Work on yourself and focus on being "good enough" for someone else and it will all fall into place.

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That term suggests that you're willing to settle for less than what you want or feel you deserve. Don't worry about someone else being "good enough" for you. Work on yourself and focus on being "good enough" for someone else and it will all fall into place.

 

No, to me that just means I don’t expect anyone to be a Nobel prize winning supermodel that kills it at stand up comedy as a hobby.

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I agree with your taking a break from the dating world. In the meantime, figure out what you want in a woman and narrow your searches when you're ready to reenter the dating scene again.

 

If you want a a woman who meets your criteria, you have to offer something as well. As others have suggested, get fit, lose a few pounds, workout, eat right and what do you do for a living? Ascend in your career. After you take care of all that, you will make yourself more attractive and you can afford to become very picky and choosy.

 

Btw, the cream of the crop are never at bars. They're busy on the fast track whether studying, working hard, at church, immersed in their hobbies, volunteering in the community, engaging in intellectual pursuits, focusing on getting healthy and the like.

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I agree with your taking a break from the dating world. In the meantime, figure out what you want in a woman and narrow your searches when you're ready to reenter the dating scene again.

 

If you want a a woman who meets your criteria, you have to offer something as well. As others have suggested, get fit, lose a few pounds, workout, eat right and what do you do for a living? Ascend in your career. After you take care of all that, you will make yourself more attractive and you can afford to become very picky and choosy.

 

Btw, the cream of the crop are never at bars. They're busy on the fast track whether studying, working hard, at church, immersed in their hobbies, volunteering in the community, engaging in intellectual pursuits, focusing on getting healthy and the like.

 

I’m always trying to make myself better. I actually have a tough time viewing my physical attractiveness objectively. I grew up with two parents who had horrible eating habits, but I still managed to lose 70 lbs in high school and have never regained the weight. i still exercise regularly and eat a mostly healthy diet.

 

In terms of career, you can always improve but I’m pretty happy where things are. I have a pretty balanced life where I work about 40 hours per week and make a six figure income. I could always start my own health care practice but I fear that will cause a loss of work-life balance and really leave no time for dating/personal relationships.

 

Perhaps picking up a new hobby could be fun and a way to meet some new people. I’m just not sure what.

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I’m always trying to make myself better. I actually have a tough time viewing my physical attractiveness objectively. I grew up with two parents who had horrible eating habits, but I still managed to lose 70 lbs in high school and have never regained the weight. i still exercise regularly and eat a mostly healthy diet.

 

In terms of career, you can always improve but I’m pretty happy where things are. I have a pretty balanced life where I work about 40 hours per week and make a six figure income. I could always start my own health care practice but I fear that will cause a loss of work-life balance and really leave no time for dating/personal relationships.

 

Perhaps picking up a new hobby could be fun and a way to meet some new people. I’m just not sure what.

 

My parents had horrible eating habits, too and for awhile I did as well but eventually I changed because I had to and I didn't feel well either.

 

Congratulations on losing 70 lbs in HS and you've kept it off. It's great that you're health conscious, exercise and eat right most of the time.

 

Since you're doing well in your career, you've got that covered which is great.

 

Try enrolling in classes if you're interested in a particular hobby. Do you enjoy cooking? Photography? Crafts? Outdoorsy activities? Sports? Perhaps volunteer for charitable good works in your community and find empathetic types there. Or, church and church ministries if you're religious. You have to start somewhere.

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I’m always trying to make myself better. I actually have a tough time viewing my physical attractiveness objectively. I grew up with two parents who had horrible eating habits, but I still managed to lose 70 lbs in high school and have never regained the weight. i still exercise regularly and eat a mostly healthy diet.

 

In terms of career, you can always improve but I’m pretty happy where things are. I have a pretty balanced life where I work about 40 hours per week and make a six figure income. I could always start my own health care practice but I fear that will cause a loss of work-life balance and really leave no time for dating/personal relationships.

 

Perhaps picking up a new hobby could be fun and a way to meet some new people. I’m just not sure what.

 

Wow this is great -very impressive! I do think people meet at bars all the time - because bars often have karaoke nights, singles events, wine tastings, etc - going to a bar late night while drunk to meet drunk people -nope. One of the career mistakes I made was not going to happy hour with my coworkers on Friday nights as a newbie. They were mostly from other cities/places and wanted to work in my major city- I was from my city. And exhausted from pulling late nights and sometimes all nighters. And wanting to see my home town friends or whatever -not go to a bar. But it would have been good for me to socialize in that way. And yes people met there and married within my company (meaning they wouldn't have met/gotten to know each other during the work day). The high level people at my company were there, as were the hard working, highly motivated newbies like me.

 

that's one example. I went to many singles events at bars. Went dancing at awesome clubs in the 80s and 90s and a bit in the 2000s - and there were great people there. No, again, I wouldn't hang out with drunk people or get drunk (I've never been drunk, never took an illegal drug) but it's one of many places to meet high quality people.

I agree with taking up hobbies you like and doing volunteer work -especially in community theater -know of several marriages where they met that way.

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I’ve dedicated so many of my resources in terms of time and money into dates with nothing to show, and it’s just feeling hopeless. Any suggestions on getting out of this mindset or finding a better way to meet people?

 

There's the old saying: it's about the journey, not the destination. Hard to apply to dating—this thing we do in hopes of meeting a person that allows us to stop dating—but still relevant, I think. Roll back the tape, play it again, and what do you have to "show" for your efforts? You've gone out, met lots of people, enjoyed various levels of intimacy, had some good times, bad times, so-so times—to call that "nothing" because it hasn't resulted in your Forever Person is an awfully negative outlook on the experiment of connecting with fellow humans.

 

Can't help but feel that very mindset is an impediment to the thing you're seeking: sustained, deepening connection with another human being.

 

I have no idea, for instance, how many women I went out with or how much money I spent before meeting my girlfriend of the past year. Plenty, all in all. I do know, however, that I don't see her as a "payoff" for that investment or a "reward" for soldiering on after experiences that were confusing, mediocre, disappointing, along with one that was flat-out scary and whipped my head and heart around a bit. My girlfriend is just a person, not something "to show" for my time spent in the trenches picking up tabs. I think she appreciates being seen that way, respected as a person, not as a character who turned my personal story from a tragic tale into an epic one.

 

Anyhow, a break sounds great, if you can genuinely take one, meaning give yourself some time to not fret about what women think of you, what you think of them, when and how and if to make a move, and all that. Live your life, affirm and nurture and deepen the parts of you that you want seen and appreciated by another, since the level of depth we can find in a connection with another roughly mirrors the depth we have with ourselves. If I didn't meet my girlfriend, but was still dating? It would be fine, even excellent! I'd still be out surfing a few days week, riding my bike into the mountains, managing my properties, doing my job, seeing my friends, reading books and taking trips and nursing wild dreams and seeing what meals I could wrestle out of the farmer's market—and, here and there, swiping left and swiping right and seeing about connecting with people to continue being myself alongside.

 

So give yourself some time to think about what you really want, perhaps time to do some of that in your own skin, so you're not relying on others to fill in the gaps, focus the aperture, complete the puzzle. To put that kind of pressure on another person in general and dating in particular, as I think you may be doing, is simply a lot. The energy we bring toward dating, after all, is the same energy we bring into a relationship. Ideally, who we are single, dating, and in a relationship should be the same person, you know?

 

You sound awesome, by the way. It can be frustrating, I know, and I'm sorry about this stretch. Perhaps a little break will help you see it differently—as worthwhile experiences that helped you get to know yourself a bit better—and, by extension, you can bring that mindset to first dates, third dates, and so on.

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For me finding the right person meant, in part, becoming the right person. Part of that process happened because of all the dating I did plus my attitude while I was dating and my mindset. So, yes, in part my relationship with my husband and my taking the opportunity to get back together with him is in part because of all the work I did and all the experiences I endured when dating all those years.

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They both were introverts and aren’t the type of people I would be friends with generally.

 

^This kind of jumps out doesn't it? You are dating your opposites and while opposites attract initially, precisely because they are different from us and therefore interesting at first, in the end opposites do not get along. The attraction is temporary and the actual relationship ends up being very difficult and fraught with conflict because you do not get each other intuitively.

 

Look for women that you would be friends with and that you are physically attracted to, of course. Look for women who are more similar to you - more outgoing, more social, more similar to yourself in terms of lifestyle, socializing habits, etc. Not saying find your mirror image, but you should date someone where friendship comes easy and day to day life is easy because you are just alike enough.

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I think you might be beating yourself up for things that are somewhat out of your control. You can decide you are going to take a break but if you meet someone you like, are you going to not try? Where's the benefit in that?

 

And ok, you dated a ton of Miss Right Thens... we all have. You gotta remember most people are not a love connection in general... not just with you. that is what makes the one, THE ONE.

 

Some guys I've dated, I might not have been friends with and vice versa... attraction, chemistry and friendship are all important.... sometimes you don't know, until you know.

 

I think all relationships are great, until they aren't. And just cause you haven't met the right one, doesn't mean you won't.

 

Any time you're being more thoughtful in your own actions, short of paralyzing yourself, there will be benefits....

 

maybe just dont feel you have to date someone just because your both single. We're people, not socks. lol

 

You don't have to give everyone a chance.... only the ones that you feel like you do. That was a big thing for me. I always was like- you never know! But there's a limit to that and it seems you've hit it.

 

Good luck! Stay open! Lightening could strike!

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They both were introverts and aren’t the type of people I would be friends with generally.

 

Red flag, big RED FLAG! Why would you date anyone that you wouldn't see yourself being friends with??

 

This tells me that what attracts you to them is based on chemistry, and perhaps superficial qualities... attractiveness, shared interests, stuff like that.

 

Chemistry is important but there needs to be MORE... if you want something long term... because eventually, chemistry fades... and perhaps explains why, as your chemistry with them fades, so does your interest in them.

 

You may want to try this the other way around OP... seek a woman that you can see yourself being friends with, and then see if there is chemistry there.

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“The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you that you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

 

Stolen from something I read on FB. The article was about embracing being single and the curious surprises you find along the journey of getting comfortable on while spending time on your own.

 

From what I've read so far, this isn't really about taking a break from dating to benefit you. You need to retitle your thread to say *reevaluating what you want in a relationship/woman. Because there is very little talk about you and getting to know you outside of dating.. There is a lot of discussion about sharpening your aim and what type to date next. Personally, I don't consider that taking break from dating.

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Ok take some classes and courses. Whatever language dancing cooking yoga nutrition something fun or interesting to you. Check local colleges and adult ed. Also join some clubs groups and organizations. Maybe something that encompasses preexisting interests or things you would like to try. Teach something. Volunteer. Animal shelter, library, hospital etc.

 

Get out and meet people in real life. This way you can start talking to women in much more low key settings and get to know them that way. Eventually you could go for coffee. The hardcore meet, go in for the physical touch, go back to your place approach just is not working. This also rounds out your life even more and makes you a more interesting happier person.

I have a pretty balanced life where I work about 40 hours per week and make a six figure income. Perhaps picking up a new hobby could be fun and a way to meet some new people. I’m just not sure what.
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