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Thread: Tips on taking a dating break, figuring out what you want

  1. #1
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    Tips on taking a dating break, figuring out what you want

    After a particularly rough stretch of dating, Iíve decided to take a break from dating. I want to take some time to think about whatís most important and how to go about finding it.

    Iíve had two long term relationships with two very similar women. They were both very sweet, nice girls that I found attractive. They both always made me feel very warm and safe. I felt like I could talk about anything with them. They both came from good families. They were both nerdy, liberal, and skinny. They both were introverts and arenít the type of people I would be friends with generally. They didnít really like to socialize, had few friends, and didnít like to party. They were somewhat uptight and homebodies. They both seemed to like my goofy brand of humor.

    Iím a nerdy, compassionate, extrovert. I have a few extra pounds. Iím not really into to politics. I love music, socializing, partying, travel, and people watching. Most of my friends are social people who like to go out and do things to.

    Iím really confused about how I dated two women that were very different from me in many ways for much longer than women who I seem to have a lot in common. While I loved them both, I always found it frustrating that our lifestyles werenít very compatible in terms of social habits. They also both came from above average families interns of functionality, whereas Iíve had a somewhat challenging family background. One of them I dated for three years and the other for two years.

    Am I attracted to qualities that maybe Iím lacking in myself and vice versa? Should I just have been satisfied with them even though we werenít compatible in certain ways?

    I just feel lost and am not sure about anything anymore. Iíve been on so many online dates, met some people at bars and parties. I have oodles of stupid dating stories. Iím just not sure what to do anymore. I donít know what questions to ask myself. Iíve dedicated so many of my resources in terms of time and money into dates with nothing to show, and itís just feeling hopeless. Any suggestions on getting out of this mindset or finding a better way to meet people?

    I often find myself meeting women who are very physically attractive and bad personalities and vice versa. Iím really looking to find someone in between that, where they are physically attractive enough and have an acceptable personality. A balanced person so to speak. Is this a reasonable goal?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    Iím really looking to find someone in between that, where they are physically attractive enough and have an acceptable personality. A balanced person so to speak. Is this a reasonable goal?
    - I think that's very smart.

    A few ideas:

    Dating is the search for a needle in a haystack.

    Don't try to make a woman your whole world.

    The best way to meet people is to get them to come to you. Get a part time sales job where you meet lots of women.

  3. #3
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    So are you looking to take a break or not? I'm confused. What would taking a break do if you want to meet someone? I think you have to be in it to win it, you have to be out there practicing your dating skills and meeting people in general to improve and fine tune what you are looking for.

    When you say physically attractive do you mean you have to be attracted to them or more in the way of eye candy/look what I was able to attract!

    Here are my suggestions:

    Improve your health/fitness- even if you don't lose weight or much weight, make sure you are in the best shape you possibly can be. Make that your goal. (If you like that suggestion I'll give you more suggestions based on what I do -I'm 53 now and health/fitness is more of a priority than ever but has been in general for me since around 1982).

    Put yourself in situations where you meet people who either are single women or people who can introduce you to single women and will make good choices because you're going to meet people doing things you like to do. So for example do volunteer work where you interact with people doing something you're good at doing. Volunteering backstage or front stage at a community theater would be perfect for you. Go on trips with other singles, hiking or further travel. Take swing dancing or salsa dancing lessons.

    I think you're overthinking the past - trying to see patterns, - not that it's irrelevant but you're getting stuck in the weeds. Yes, often people attract people who have different qualities and interests. I am an extrovert who married an introvert. Today I went to an event with our son that had a coffee thing after. I had 15 minutes at the coffee thing. In that 15 minutes I chatted with 3 people, one of whom I know a little bit. In that 15 minutes I learned really helpful information that could make our lives so much easier next fall. Had my husband gone instead he would either have left right after the event or gotten a bagel and sat at a table by himself and been polite if someone approached him. He'd never have gone to sit with others and get involved in a conversation. I love him anyway! And probably because of it -he taught me how not to be so chatty/overshare (which I have done, and still do/am tempted to do when I'm nervous especially).

    Good luck!

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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    - I think that's very smart.

    A few ideas:

    Dating is the search for a needle in a haystack.

    Don't try to make a woman your whole world.

    The best way to meet people is to get them to come to you. Get a part time sales job where you meet lots of women.
    A lot of people I know in relationships met through friends or work. Iím a health care provider, so I meet lots of people everyday but dating patients isnít very ethical. I also only work with a handful of people in a small practice, so Iím trying to find new ways of meeting the right type of people. I love the idea of online dating but after a 100-150 dates, Iíve found a lot of people are stuck on their baggage and seem somewhat bitter towards dating/relationships.

    As an aside, I have a platonic friend who is pretty similar to the women I had long term relationships with except she is very social. When we first met, through a social sport league, I never thought we could be friends since she is so uptight. However, she has become a really great friend. She is also very attractive. I found myself wanting to make a move on her last night. I really value our friendship and donít want to sacrifice that, but Iím curious about it. We both have had our share of struggles with dating. I canít help but wonder at times if sheís the one I should be dating and sheís been right under my nose the whole time. Iím afraid to open that can of worms even though in many respects she could be an amazing partner.

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  6. 01-26-2020, 01:45 PM

  7. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Jeez, do not "make a move"! Do not "go in for a kiss"! You have to find out first if she'd even be receptive.

    I had a male friend tell me very simply "I know both of us have had our ups and downs with dating. I think it would be a great idea if we dated each other". Unfortunately in that case I did not feel the same way he did but I thought his approach was a good one. Not creepy, not pushy, just a nice simple statement.

    I suggest you try the same with your friend.

    Side note, my friend saying that did NOT "ruin" our friendship. We remained friends because we had both conducted that situation with care and respect.

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    Originally Posted by Batya33

    When you say physically attractive do you mean you have to be attracted to them or more in the way of eye candy/look what I was able to attract!

    Here are my suggestions:

    Improve your health/fitness- even if you don't lose weight or much weight, make sure you are in the best shape you possibly can be. Make that your goal. (If you like that suggestion I'll give you more suggestions based on what I do -I'm 53 now and health/fitness is more of a priority than ever but has been in general for me since around 1982).

    Put yourself in situations where you meet people who either are single women or people who can introduce you to single women and will make good choices because you're going to meet people doing things you like to do. So for example do volunteer work where you interact with people doing something you're good at doing. Volunteering backstage or front stage at a community theater would be perfect for you. Go on trips with other singles, hiking or further travel. Take swing dancing or salsa dancing lessons.
    In terms of physical attraction, they just have to be attractive enough. I will say that I have a strong preference for skinny ladies though, although I wish I didnít. Iíve tried to go on a few dates with women that I thought had incredible personalities but I didnít find sexually attractive and that just doesnít change. Iím not in bad shape by any means, but I could be in better shape. Iím 6í0Ē and weigh 208 lbs to give you some idea. I workout about 3x week.

    Those are some good ideas. I guess I was wondering if I spent more time doing general social activities instead online dates, it might be more fruitful?

  9. #7
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    A lot of people I know in relationships met through friends or work. Iím a health care provider, so I meet lots of people everyday but dating patients isnít very ethical. I also only work with a handful of people in a small practice, so Iím trying to find new ways of meeting the right type of people. I love the idea of online dating but after a 100-150 dates, Iíve found a lot of people are stuck on their baggage and seem somewhat bitter towards dating/relationships.

    As an aside, I have a platonic friend who is pretty similar to the women I had long term relationships with except she is very social. When we first met, through a social sport league, I never thought we could be friends since she is so uptight. However, she has become a really great friend. She is also very attractive. I found myself wanting to make a move on her last night. I really value our friendship and donít want to sacrifice that, but Iím curious about it. We both have had our share of struggles with dating. I canít help but wonder at times if sheís the one I should be dating and sheís been right under my nose the whole time. Iím afraid to open that can of worms even though in many respects she could be an amazing partner.
    I met my husband originally at work . We worked in different departments and on different floors. I would talk to your friend, when you're both sober. When my husband and I got back together that is what he did - after 3 platonic dates he simply and directly asked if I wanted to get back together. We didn't have our first real kiss until our next time together, two weeks later.

  10. 01-26-2020, 01:53 PM

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Jeez, do not "make a move"! Do not "go in for a kiss"! You have to find out first if she'd even be receptive.

    I had a male friend tell me very simply "I know both of us have had our ups and downs with dating. I think it would be a great idea if we dated each other". Unfortunately in that case I did not feel the same way he did but I thought his approach was a good one. Not creepy, not pushy, just a nice simple statement.

    I suggest you try the same with your friend.

    Side note, my friend saying that did NOT "ruin" our friendship. We remained friends because we had both conducted that situation with care and respect.
    Thatís not a bad idea. I know her well enough that just trying to make a move on her would not go over well even if she had the hots for me given our history as friends. Iíve seen a couple of the guyís sheís dated and I donít really fit the bill of her ďtypeĒ in the physical attraction category though.

  12. #9
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    Thatís not a bad idea. I know her well enough that just trying to make a move on her would not go over well even if she had the hots for me given our history as friends. Iíve seen a couple of the guyís sheís dated and I donít really fit the bill of her ďtypeĒ in the physical attraction category though.
    I would not go by that. At all. You are being far too superficial. Also, people change types -especially about looks -all the time -and I've heard so many many stories- haven't you - about a person who says 'I never went for that type but....." and they smile adoringly at their partner.

    Here's an anecdote you might like. Well over 20 years ago I had an unhappily single friend who was typically picking unavailable men (married, or not into her at all) or having one night stands -she was jaded and cynical. I mentioned once how much I loved dark hair and blue eyes in a man. I did -I guess I still would find that attractive! (my husband happens to have dark hair and hazel-ish eyes).

    Anyway she sent me an email one day "I met the perfect man for you!!" -she'd met him at a business meeting Apparently he was perfect because he had dark hair and blue eyes. I really was shocked that she (she was then in her late 30s) would assume that that was the be all and end all of a perfect match for me.

    It's not like that. it's not that superficial. Certainly people have physical feature dealbreakers -I had some too. But yes people who have chemistry -it's most often only partly about looks.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sounds like a good idea. It can give you time to reflect and helps prevent burnout.
    Originally Posted by dmveep
    After a particularly rough stretch of dating, Iíve decided to take a break from dating.

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