Talking with friends

I suffer heavily from anxiety, especially in conjunction with relationships. When I feel unsure, I will ask friends for their advice. I have asked a handful of friends and over time have minimised what is said. But I’m now overly anxious that I spoke out and that it’s that which will break up my girlfriend and I. I don’t talk out just for gossip.

I talk as I’m an emotional mess at times. The uncertainty of situations really sparks up my anxiety, to the point that when my girlfriend gets pissed off with me, I think the end is nigh and feel close to suicidal. Talking to friends is just coping mechanism.

My girlfriend has never met any of these friends and I’m scared that when she does she will find out that I told them what I have.

This is further complicated as I have been told by my girlfriend not to talk to a female friend. The female friend has a similar mindset to me and struggles, plus she is similar to me in her character. She is a friend only, and I’m not in the least bit attracted to her. She’s a great person but not my type.

And so as she’s a mutual friend, then that may lead to people wondering in future why I don’t talk with her and the mutual friends, who I have told stuff, telling others that I’m not allowed to talk to her. Plus I’m worried that having talked with the female friend, what if she gets annoyed and shares the text messages that I sent to her before. I trust her but it’s hard to know how others will act.

Having so much anxiety about all this is clouding my future with my girlfriend and I hoped someone could provide some advice, or reassurance.

Until recently my girlfriend has been talking marriage with me. I love her so much and wish I didn’t have anxiety and that I hadn’t needed to talk out. Now I’m worried that my relationship is simply waiting to fall when my girlfriend gets told about my sharing.

The reason why she doesn’t want me talking to that female friend is that she thinks that discussing relationships is likely to mean that I’ll be interested in this friend...I wouldn’t be but my girlfriend thinks differently.

I am desperately trying to stop sharing with friends but it’s not easy.

What do I do?! Am I worrying over nothing? Is it natural to talk to friends about relationship worries?

I’m 34 and my girlfriend is 29.

Sorry to hear this. Talking is a good way to sort things out. However it would be best to speak confidentially with a therapist who is neutral professional and can give you expert advice. Your gf and you do not seem compatible, so ending this may be a good outcome in the long run. Your gf and your lady friend seem to cause you too many problems.

I’m now overly anxious that I spoke out and that it’s that which will break up my girlfriend and I. The uncertainty of situations really sparks up my anxiety, to the point that when my girlfriend gets pissed off with me, I think the end is nigh and feel close to suicidal. I have been told by my girlfriend not to talk to a female friend. I’m 34 and my girlfriend is 29.

Are you in any sort of treatment for your anxiety? Having sucidial thoughts when you have conflict with your girlfriend is a sign that you urgently need help.

As for sharing with friends: if your girlfriend has previously expressed her unhappiness with you going to this other girl with relationship issues, then you would be well-advised to stop doing so. Sharing our struggles with friends is not unusual, or necessarily a bad thing, but there need to be some reasonable boundaries. Be selective about what you share and with whom, and act to protect the integrity of your relationship. You need to weigh out your girlfriend's feelings versus your desires to vent to this specific friend about private relationship issues. If you are genuinely worried about it coming back to bite you, well, put a cork in it. Find someone more neutral to share with.

How long have you been dating? You say your girlfriend is talking about marriage but she hasn't met your friends? That seems quite odd that you are talking that serious and she is out of your personal loop to the point of never having met your friends. Please explain.

As for your paranoia... if these are your good friend then just kindly ask them to never discuss with your girlfriend what you have discussed with them as she would take things the wrong way and you don't want to have her feeling hurt in any way or to not like them because they know so much about your inner thoughts. Then trust that they won't divulge that you've vomited out your emotional guts to them.

Do get yourself the help you need to stop OCD thinking so you can simmer yourself down. You have zero ability to self sooth at this point and that is going to be your eventual downfall in one way or another.

Is it natural to talk to friends about relationship worries?

Wow dude.....seek out some therapy. You need to do this if you want to have any kind of normal life. Emotionally dumping on your friends is just enabling your anxiety...it's not doing you a bit of good. With therapy they will teach you to "cope" on your own and to stop all these thoughts of paranoia reeling in your brain constantly.

What are the problems?

If your anxiety is so high then why haven't you seen a therapist? It is not fair or right to be dumping this in your friends all the time. Why aren't you communicating with your gf. Why haven't they met her?