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Thread: Girlfriend very guarded with her feelings

  1. #1
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    Girlfriend very guarded with her feelings

    Hi everyone, Iíve not used this site for a good few years now and the last time I did use it the help I got from everyone was amazing and helped me a lot!
    So Iím a 41 year old male and Iím dating a 29year old female we have been dating about 5months now and things are going well, the only problem I have is she seems very guarded with her feelings towards me she did have a bit of a bad previous relationship and her last partner and father of her two kids used to abuse her and I can kinda understand why sheís cautious about a new relationship I havenít met the kids yet and I see that as a good thing for now but I find it very hard to see just how she is feeling towards me, she did ask me to meet all her family Boxing Day for a party and I went and got on with everyone really well so obviously I see that as a good thing that she wanted me to meet the family!
    I think Iím finding it strange as my last two relationships have been pretty full on and the girls always made it very clear to me that they were happy with me! Also both were very touchy feely towards me and my current partner will cuddle up to me but thatís all she keeps her hands to herself!
    I know Iím probably sounding very clingy but Iím really not like that but I would like some reassurance that itís going in the right way!
    Do any of you have any advice to how I should handle it? Should I just carry on as it is as it is early stages still or should I subtly bring it up in conversation as it is on my mind?
    I donít wanna scare her off as I do really like her and can see a future maybe itís just a shock to me as Iím not used to things progressing this slowly! 😊

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you dating exclusively? It seems she is not as touchy-feely as your last 2 gfs. She may be stressed a a single mom or from her past relationship. How secure is she in this relationship with you?

    She may not be ready to date and may see you as more of a big brother or safe haven. See how things go and consider that she may not be into you that way or is not ready to date or that you are simply incompatible at that level.
    Originally Posted by jumpman
    So Iím a 41 year old male and Iím dating a 29year. her last partner and father of her two kids used to abuse her
    both were very touchy feely towards me and my current partner will cuddle up to me but thatís all she keeps her hands to herself!

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    Hey mate we are exclusive and she said after the first couple of months thatís sheís taken herself off of dating sites etc
    So I think sheís happy and sees a future with me as a partner! We have spoke about holidays this year away too!
    Maybe sheís just holding back a little until sheís 100% sure and Iíve met the kids as Iím guessing thatís a big step for her! Or maybe sheís just not touchy feely or open with her feelings in general!
    At the moment I am happy though itís just a little thing that Iíve noticed and wasnít sure whether to say anything! Do you think it will come across too needy?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well if she's keeping dates and kissing and hugging you, if there are no other major problems, the relationship sounds good at this point.

    A relationship is - at it's core - a continuing series of dates.

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    What exactly would you like her to say or do to show you she is not in your opinion too "guarded" with her feelings. Is it possible you overshare/are too gushy so that she feels a little overwhelmed and retreats?

    Of course she should wait to introduce her kids to you -kids don't "get" dating -they "get" attached. As Dr. Joy Browne used to say.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    It's recommended to wait six months before introducing friends/family/kids.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    It's recommended to wait six months before introducing friends/family/kids.
    I've never heard this. What I've heard is you wait till you're engaged with marriage imminent at the earliest -introducing before as a "friend" in a group setting where they just meet the person as one of many friends is ok earlier.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    IMO, people with emotional baggage shouldn't be dating until they do the work on themselves to get rid of it. My husband was cheated on in his two long term relationships. I would've never guessed, as he's never once mistrusted me or acted worried that I will do the same. That said, it's clear you will want to continue on with her anyway. At five months in, you should have a better comfort level than this. Your partner should be making it clear that you're really special to her, and you don't feel that way. Your relationship is on shaky ground, as you fear losing her if you communicate your needs or concerns. If you lose someone by revealing what's on your heart, she's not the right one for you.

    Yes, have a talk with her. If you can't be genuine with a partner, how sad is that? You want a partner who you can see their love shine through their eyes, through their actions, and however they choose to show you. If she's not showing this to you, maybe she's settling for a safe partner, although one who she doesn't feel a spark for, or maybe it's her emotional baggage that's affecting her from opening up.

    But if you can't get to a comfortable place where you're feeling cherished and that your partner thinks you're awesome, then you're the one who is settling.

  10. #9
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    Give her time. It hasn't been that long.
    I do think you're too old for her.


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