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I have feelings for my best friend, but I am scared to shoot my shot


Dimka

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We've been online/long-distance friends for over a year and we talk daily (text at least, he doesn't like phone calls or FT). I've liked him and have had feelings for a while and they grow and recede. Lately, I'm really starting to appreciate him, his personality, his looks, and his thoughts, like legit feelings. He knows I liked him in the past but he said he wants me as a friend because he knew if we dated it would eventually end and he doesn't want to lose me as someone who's so close. I know that's textbook friend zone but he said that over a year ago. I am fine with not being able to date him but we talk about a lot of personal things and when he talks to me about dates he's going on or new people he's talking to, it hurts. A lot.

 

I have a strong feeling if I tell him how I feel the outcome won't be desirable. I value him a lot as a friend and I do not want to lose that trying to express my interest in something he doesn't want, but yet I can't hear about some of the things he says anymore without hurting. Should I ask him flat out not to tell me about the new dates he's on or people he's interested in? What if he asks why and assumes it's because I still like him (a topic we settled a year ago)?

I think I might ask him to; "Out of respect for some feelings I still have for you, can you not mention your hookups or dates for a while please?"

 

Thank you for the help,

Dimka.

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he said he wants me as a friend because he knew if we dated it would eventually end and he doesn't want to lose me as someone who's so close

 

He knows that you have liked him in the past. He told you nicely, no. He also talks to you about other girls. These are huge signs that he only wants you for a friend.

Not just signs, he has said straight out.

 

You either have to accept that he will only ever be a friend, or stop talking to him knowing your feelings can't go anywhere.

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We use Snapchat (a social media where you send selfies/pictures back and forth). I've seen him and his place and everything about him. He's sent videos talking about something in the past. But when I ask if he wants to FaceTime he says he's not in the mood, not right now, or no response.

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You dont really know this guy because you have not actually met him. He may or may not be who he says he is. You can either accept him in this odd friendship you have or you move on and hopefully find a real live guy where you live who you can go out with and enjoy. This online guy does not want you in a romantic way.

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If he said that over a year ago and has given no indication that anything has changed, what are you still hanging on for? Your not scared to shoot your shot, you already shot your shot and missed and are now hanging around hoping he magically develops feelings for you while he is out on dates with other people. Harsh truths I know... All of my friend zones were in person, but I wasn't able to get over and move on until I stopped being friends with them and hanging around. You may not want to lose him, but the alternative is to remain stuck.

 

Ultimately only you can know your feelings and what you are capable of. But I think it doesn't hurt to ask again, and you wont be ruining your chances, just bringing them into the light. If you think you can preserve the friendship and get over him without revealing you still like him that might be preferable.

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A full year ago he said he was not interested in you.

A year later he is still not interested in you , why is that surprising to you??

Nothing changed in the meantime , in fact he has told you who he IS interested in.

 

Why don’t you tell him you lied to him for a year pretending disinterest while all along interested and hurt by his disinterest which he told you a YEAR ago?

 

Why have you put yourself in this situation?

He has done nothing wrong by you?

 

Reveal your lies and hopefully he will block you so you can move on quickly from this facade??

 

Sorry!!

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It would be best to get out in real life real time and start dating real guys in real life. Getting wrapped up in this type of cyber fantasy is dangerous. This may be a catfish or some pervert or who knows. Block and delete this entity asap and see the college counselor to debrief and sort some issues out.

We've been online/long-distance friends for over a year and we talk daily (text at least, he doesn't like phone calls or FT).
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Is he married/living with someone? Sounds like a catfish. Stop and get to the campus counselor. This type of cyber fantasy indicates that you are trying to fill voids in your real life with some pings on your devices.

He's sent videos talking about something in the past. But when I ask if he wants to FaceTime he says he's not in the mood, not right now, or no response.
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Your best friend is someone you've never met? What's your daily life like? Do you work? Do you hang out with girlfriends? Do you belong to any clubs, or do you have any hobbies, or do you play sports? If you don't do any of these things, it's time to get out and enjoy the world in 3D.

 

When two people have different relationship goals, it's a relationship that shouldn't be. You're both young, but one day he will meet a woman he's serious with, and your "friendship" will either totally end or fade far back to the back burner. Why? Because his new gf won't want him having a female best friend/text buddy, especially one who has a crush on him, and he will choose her, if he's smart.

 

Best not to invest any more time into a dead end. If this crushes you, it's because you don't have a life outside of him, so if that's the case, build that life. During a lifetimes, friendships evolve, either strengthening, lessening, or they totally end. That's okay and a normal part of life.

 

If you want a boyfriend, try Meetup.com to find activities for singles in your age group. It's a lot more enjoyable to actually be able to physically hold someone's hand, take walks in a park with, and enjoy eating meals with etc. Doesn't that sound like a lot more fun than pressing buttons on a phone all day?

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I think it would be great for you to unplug and get out to meet local guys. You have formed an unhealthy attachment to someone you don't really know - someone who sounds like he's hiding something, at that.

 

You have developed feelings for who you think he is, but given that you've never met and never even spoken live on webcam, you don't know who he actually is. It would serve you well to take a step back and reflect on what sort of void this online person is filling in your real life, and search for more constructive ways to fill in the gaps.

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