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Thread: Almost 10 years and counting...

  1. #1

    Almost 10 years and counting...

    I really need some advice. I met my boyfriend when we were 18. I am now turning 28 and we are a few months away from our 10 year anniversary. Yup and we are still just boyfriend and girlfriend nothing more.

    After dating about 6 years I decided that I would like to see more of him then just on weekends. So I moved in with him into the cottage on his parents property because he works from home with his dad.

    The cottage is really tiny so we eat dinner with his parents every night and literally see them everyday. I mean dont get me wrong I love his parents but I feel like we are still kids when we are with them and we cannot live as self sufficient adults and we like constantly surrounded by them

    But things have been getting quite bad lately. He has never been a very good communicator as his family has like a belief that they dont talk about anything that's bothering them or their feelings and I was brought up in a completely different household. I have always tried to encourage him to voice his feelings, goals,desires and emotions. I crave the staying up till early hours conversations, just talking even if it's just the mundane things. But he can quite easily sit on his phone for hours oblivious to the fact that I exist. I sometimes start fights with him just to see some sort of emotion.

    He never tells me I'm beautiful or seems to care about my day or feelings, somedays I get home and he doesnt even realise that he hasn't kissed me hello and I feel like I am constantly the one who has to fight for him or initiate with him to just have just any sort of conversation. And it's been wearing thin lately. I find myself closing off and shutting him out.

    We never cuddle or kiss when we at home, sex feels like there is no passion , when out In public I have to find his hand to hold or seem some sort of physical contact. He never gives me a random hug or kiss just because. I am always the one initiating it. And its exhausting.

    It feels like we aren't on the same page anymore. I want to move out, get engaged, married and have a family but he is always coming up with excuses that we dont have the money or he get defensive and says "do you think I want to be 28 still living with my parents. Finances arent great at the moment but they never really have been great but he isn't doing anything to help the situation.

    I am just scared that by me sort of revolving my world around him, he is not driven to be a better person and he has lost all his ambition a d he has become complacent.

    I feel so lost I love him but in my mind I feel like I am missing something. Like something greater.

    I am not sure what to do.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Do you think things would get better if you got married?

    Realistically, what you see now is what you'll get. Marriage does not "change" people.

    What if he suggests you two get married but continue to live with his parents? Does that appeal to you?

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You are missing something greater. Compatibility with someone.

    After 10 years, nothing much has changed for the better. Your frustration is growing. I don't see anything changing in the future. You want something different from what he can offer.

    I recommend that you move out and establish a life of your own that isn't dependent on him or his family. Find someone who shares your values and vision of the future.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I doubt anything is going to change if you get married. Perhaps he really does like living with his parents but doesnt want to say that to you. Do you want to keep on doing what you are doing for the next decade or more? I think you have outgrown each other.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Do you work? Would Your parents support you at their home until you were able to save for your own place if you were to leave him? You don't say one positive thing about this man nor does he seem to be on the same page as you as far as end dating goals go so what is it, besides habit and fear, that keep you there?

  7. #6
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    You've been together since you were very young, it sounds like you've grown apart as you've got older and he may now see you as more of a friend/housemate than a partner. That's not what you want for your life and after 10 years with things having declined between you, it's unlikely to happen. Start making plans for leaving, because as talking things through is impossible then I don't see many other options.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. If you want these things you'll have yo find another guy. He is not ready willing or able to see a future that you envision. Do you work full time? Move out into your own place. Stop depending on him and his family for everything. You need to make a life for yourself and start dating men who have the same goals as you.
    Originally Posted by Sashrealdeal
    I want to move out, get engaged, married and have a family but he is always coming up with excuses that we dont have the money

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Okay, your love level and perhaps both of your love levels are low. He's not affectionate enough or romantic enough anymore. Do you still go on dates? Start having some date nights again if you can. Counseling could help also.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What is a "love level"? It it a thing in your country or a translation from your language?
    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Okay, your love level and perhaps both of your love levels are low.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    It's common to outgrow a relationship that started in your youth. Most people have many dating experiences and learn from each what they want and don't want before choosing "the one." You've been the only one driving the train in this relationship. He's probably too cowardly to end the relationship, and just sticks it out for whatever reason.

    If he doesn't make enough money working for his dad, then he will forever be forced to live on their property. That's his choice, but you don't have to stay with a life you don't want, especially with someone who ignores you and doesn't give you affection.

    Yes, of course you care for someone you've spent 10 years with, even with his faults, but caring isn't enough for a satisfying life when he puts in zero effort.

    Time to build the life you want, so move out. Stay alone for a good year to find out who you are solo. Enjoy your freedom for a while before venturing to find a more compatible partner. Good luck.

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