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Thread: My mind is realistic but my soul is holding on...

  1. #1
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    My mind is realistic but my soul is holding on...

    The story is complicated but I will strip it back as much as I can. If you need more info please ask and I'll happily give more. Thank you for any advice in advance.

    Was with my ex for 6 years, we were eachother's best friend and had an amazing connection. Loved eachother deeply. Relationship had changed slightly over the last year due to my loss of a parent but still together just less dates, sex, etc. She broke up with me about 1 month ago, found out that 1 week before that she met someone and cheated.

    After the BU, she gave me a lot of mixed messages - she seemed confused, didn't know who or what she wanted, was saying she wanted to be young and f*** around but also wanted to try again in future with us because we were good, but first wanted to go away find herself, date around as she wasn't thinking about a relationship right now. She gave me the whole 'I love you but Im not in love with you' and 'I have been falling out of love with you for a while'. That he just was the first person to give her attention, listen to her and take her on dates and make her feel good about herself, then she started developing feelings. She also admitted that there was initially mostly sexual motivation. Over the next week we had minimal contact, but we did share a kiss (to which she said she couldn't go further with me as there were too many feelings) and she invited me to spend some time over Christmas with her and even told me she loved me.

    Then we had no contact again for a few days and she sent me a text saying that she had moved on and didn't see a future with me, and that she doesn't want a relationship with me now and doesn't think she wants that in the future either. That she wanted me to move on as things were just different with this new guy and its not me, it's what she wants out of life. Then she told me how she didn't think we were compatible and named a few reasons why. Then told me she didn't want to date around anymore after texting a few people she decided she wanted to be with him instead. She finished it by saying she won't forget the time we had together and she hopes I find somebody who makes me happy, and that she wants to be friends but thinks for the foreseeable future we should give eachother space for me to move on.

    We haven't spoke since then apart from a couple of texts about a joint debt. She has been posting him all over social media, changing all her display pictures to photos of them two, flirting really sexual stuff with him publicly on like every post and declaring their love for each other and that they're in love already. There's also been some things that could be interpreted weirdly but I've tried not to analyse too much about them.

    I've heard all the comments about moving on and I'm trying my best to do that right now, but I'm trying to find that balance between realism and hope. I do have hope that one day we can reconcile, as what we had was special and honestly even after everything I want to marry the girl. But I hope we both do some self-growth before that happens if it ever does. I wished I knew how long this honeymoon period with them will last, as I know she won't think about me or miss me during that - honestly I wonder if she will ever miss me or think about me at all. I also wonder how genuine their relationship is - it's progressing so fast and they're supposedly in love already? It seems very sexually motivated and doesn't seem to have the foundations that our relationship had. I just wish one day she will want to try again with me but both of us being more developed, mature people as we both aren't right now. Is all hope dead? I know I've got to reign my hope in and expect nothing, but I feel like right now, nobody knows the future, not even us two. I wonder if the longer she is away from me the more she will forget about me? There's quite a few red flags about him when I look at us both and he is the total opposite of me, but she doesnt seem to be seeing the red flags right now, she just is gushing about how he is her exact type and how sexually and physically attracted to him she is and how he makes her feel good about herself etc. She doesn't seem to be seeing the red flags or at least, she does and has 'fallen in love with him anyway'.

    Anyone know of any ways I can make reconciliation more possible if there is even a chance in this case?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? How old is she? There is no excuse for cheating. It sounds like the relationship got stagnant. What type of 'joint debt' is there to settle? Do that asap. Stop worrying about this guy and whether he is just a rebound, etc.

    It would be best to get busy with your own life and focus on your career, school, get involved in fitness, join some groups and clubs, reconnect with friends and family. Focus on you, not her, not her new lover.

    It's time to delete her and all her people from all your social media. Scanning her new romance from a distance is not helping you. Most of all do not take back a cheater and do not use any of those get your ex back scam sites.
    Originally Posted by Annie12345
    Was with my ex for 6 years.She broke up with me about 1 month ago, found out that 1 week before that she met someone and cheated.

    she seemed confused, didn't know who or what she wanted, was saying she wanted to be young and f*** around
    She gave me the whole 'I love you but Im not in love with you'
    That he just was the first person to give her attention, listen to her and take her on dates and make her feel good about herself,

    We haven't spoke since then apart from a couple of texts about a joint debt.

  3. #3
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    First, you would be smart to delete her from your social media so you don't have a front-row seat to her new romance. It serves you no purpose other than hurting you.

    Second, even if she and this new boyfriend fizzle out, there is no guarantee you two could make another go of it - or even that she would want to try.

    Something was very wrong if she was so emotionally detached from you that she cheated. The guy she managed to find isn't the problem, in and of itself. It's the fact that she was growing away from you and open to the idea of finding someone else to begin with. There were deep cracks in the relationship, and she chose the least honest and respectful way to deal with that. If it weren't this specific man, it likely would have been someone else. She was evidently on her way out of the door long before she ever bothered to address it with you.

    As such, you should shift your focus from red flags about her new relationship and new boyfriend - and reflect more on the type of person she has become. She is no longer the woman you thought you knew and the probability is high that even if she one days asks for you back, she will bounce again a second time.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    She has since moved on as should you.

    Always remain realistic because reality always wins.

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  6. #5
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    Move on. It's over. Forget her, she cheated. Let them be together if they want. Move onto better women who don't cheat.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? How old is she? There is no excuse for cheating. It sounds like the relationship got stagnant. What type of 'joint debt' is there to settle? Do that asap. Stop worrying about this guy and whether he is just a rebound, etc.

    It would be best to get busy with your own life and focus on your career, school, get involved in fitness, join some groups and clubs, reconnect with friends and family. Focus on you, not her, not her new lover.

    It's time to delete her and all her people from all your social media. Scanning her new romance from a distance is not helping you. Most of all do not take back a cheater and do not use any of those get your ex back scam sites.
    Thank you for your reply!

    We met in college, and she's currently 23. It did get stagnant due to my depression and lack of effort and communication on both parts yes - but we still told eachother we loved eachother, planned for the future etc. even in the last couple of months, month even. I'm trying not to worry about the new guy but thinking about them together is like a kick in the gut.

    I am trying to keep myself busy with all of those things, and will continue to do so to distract myself and just generally improve my life.

    I came off social media as it wasn't doing me any favours seeing them two, especially as she was flaunting it everywhere.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    First, you would be smart to delete her from your social media so you don't have a front-row seat to her new romance. It serves you no purpose other than hurting you.

    Second, even if she and this new boyfriend fizzle out, there is no guarantee you two could make another go of it - or even that she would want to try.

    Something was very wrong if she was so emotionally detached from you that she cheated. The guy she managed to find isn't the problem, in and of itself. It's the fact that she was growing away from you and open to the idea of finding someone else to begin with. There were deep cracks in the relationship, and she chose the least honest and respectful way to deal with that. If it weren't this specific man, it likely would have been someone else. She was evidently on her way out of the door long before she ever bothered to address it with you.

    As such, you should shift your focus from red flags about her new relationship and new boyfriend - and reflect more on the type of person she has become. She is no longer the woman you thought you knew and the probability is high that even if she one days asks for you back, she will bounce again a second time.
    Thank you for your reply!

    I have come off of all social media for now as it just wasn't helping being on there. Have deleted her number too.

    I know there's no guarantee, and chances are slim - I don't know why but my head wants to move on by my gut seems to be holding on to the want that there will be another shot as I loved her so deeply. I just hope that her heart is in a place where she might eventually want to give it a shot if things do fizzle out but I know I can't focus my life around that and things do move on in the meantime and that's what I'm trying to focus on right now (even though it feels impossible).

    I agree - I think she probably would have done this with the first guy that came along and gave her the attention she was lacking from me. I think there were definitely issues in the relationship but that we both stopped trying to work on them in the months before the BU; before that we both genuinely thought we'd marry eachother and spend the rest of our lives together.

  9. #8
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I have to ask, where do you see the attraction in a person who chose to test drive others while keeping you on the shelf? It's time to raise the bar, and be careful what you wish for.

  10. #9
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    How would you advise a friend or sibling who was going through the same thing?

    She has cheated, lied and has been really disrespectful. Plus, she said she no longer loves you. Once all the financial stuff is done, you need to block her on everything!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-24-2020 at 09:23 PM.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok at 17 she way way too you to be tied down to a relationship. Let her go. Do not use romance or relationships to avoid real life or coast along with the inertia of depression. This is not about her.

    Get to a doctor MD for a complete evaluation and get ongoing support from a therapist. Getting on with your life is not about "distractions", it's about building a full and satisfying life for yourself. You were both too young to be saddled down like this for way too long.
    Originally Posted by Annie12345

    We met in college, and she's currently 23. It did get stagnant due to my depression


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