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Thread: Should I wait on him a little longer or start dating secretly?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    This is your heart and instinct telling you what you need to do. Don't backpedal, move forward. The expedient approach is rarely the best. Get involved in the local scene, get on some dating apps.
    I plan to do so...I just needed to free myself off this first.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Well, by agreeing to his "friendship" dynamic, you are/were enabling him not to have to have any certainty. Before you end it, I suggest you at least give him the opportunity to think about what you want and if he wants that too. Maybe he's just too afraid (as you are it seems to talk to himhonestly about YOUR needs). Maybe you are just as uncertain???
    Oh no, I'm certain I would want to be with him. But because I have feelings for him, I'm just cautious of not forcing anything. I don't want to get back together only to break up a few months later. I would rather walk away now and put it down to love ending. I want is far deeper than getting back together for the sake of it.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    My honest take? This guy is not that into you.

    He enjoys your company, obviously, and likes you as a person. However, I get the impression he doesn't feel strongly enough about you to date you in any serious capacity. You are the place-filler until he meets a woman he wants to date. And when that day comes, it is going to hurt like heck for you.

    As such, I would bow out of this untenable agreement with him, wish him well, and go about finding yourself a man who wouldn't risk giving you up.
    You are right. As humans when we want something we go for it. We don't risk losing it. I'm being risked.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Darlington
    That's so insightful Bluecastle, thank you. I got to thinking the other day (because this dynamic is confusing/strange) "what if it wasn't the distance for him?"..."what if the distance was just a perfect excuse?"

    Yeah, the more I have articulated how I'm feel out loud (here), the more I'm realising, that however much I love him, and however nice he is...my needs are not currently being met. We're slightly in different places. He sees getting back together now as us rushing into it...but a part of me feel like: we were together a year, have been apart for half that time... surely we would know with a high level of certainty if we want to be with eachother by now?
    Doing what I can.

    My read, being completely honest? I think the distance worked for you too, dovetailed nicely with some emotional unavailability that was coursing through you when you first connected. Which worked. For a stretch. Kind of.

    But you're built a bit differently than him—stronger, more genuinely open—and so the long distance taste of love, and even the lashing when it ended, ultimately left you in a more genuinely available place. Him? Not so much. He's still on the JV squad, while you've graduated to varsity. He was part of the training, but not the teammate.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Darlington
    Oh no, I'm certain I would want to be with him. But because I have feelings for him, I'm just cautious of not forcing anything. I don't want to get back together only to break up a few months later. I would rather walk away now and put it down to love ending. I want is far deeper than getting back together for the sake of it.
    Then why not tell him what you want and see what he has to say? Would you rather just walk away and see if he follows?

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Then why not tell him what you want and see what he has to say? Would you rather just walk away and see if he follows?
    I have and he said he wants us to spend time together in a light hearted way and see if something comes of it in a natural. That he's not at this stage ready to enter into relationship.

    I am NOT walking away to see if he follows. He already instigated the initial break up, and is the one saying he's not ready for a relationship. My walking away, is accepting things haven't ended the way I would have liked but being okay with that, knowing there's someone out there who wants what I want...and I want free myself up to be able to meet him.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Darlington
    He already instigated the initial break up, and is the one saying he's not ready for a relationship.
    If he's not ready for a relationship then it's selfish of him to put any restraints on you in the meantime.

    He doesn't get the benefit of the security a relationship provides without even being in one.

    You originally agreed to these terms, until you knew now better.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Darlington
    I have and he said he wants us to spend time together in a light hearted way and see if something comes of it in a natural. That he's not at this stage ready to enter into relationship.
    But... have you told him this:
    We live in a buzzing capital city, with so much to offer. I am freshly back after 6 years away so I am keen to meet new people, make friends and get romantic. He's not ready for the latter, but I am. If not with him, then possibly with someone who is.

    My dilemma is that I don't know how to tell him that:
    You seem to fear that you will be coming across like you're putting pressure on him when all you'd be doing is actually telling him what you want instead of just going along with what he's proposed in this quasi 'THING' that restricts you to him platonically.
    This is what you claim:
    A. Without coming across like I'm putting pressure on him.
    Screw that... if putting pressure on him is you telling him what you want and if he doesn't want it to, then so be it. So: Did you tell him what you've told us? If so, why then just leave him now. If you haven't then I say give it a go and if he's still not ready then at least you'll know that leaving him is the best thing for you and you'll find it a lot easier to exit stage left.

    I don't want anyone like that...I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me.
    You haven't voiced what you want really... if you have then why did you settle to be in this thing he has you tied up in?

    I am NOT walking away to see if he follows. He already instigated the initial break up, and is the one saying he's not ready for a relationship. My walking away, is accepting things haven't ended the way I would have liked but being okay with that, knowing there's someone out there who wants what I want...and I want free myself up to be able to meet him.
    Then if you've told him what you've told us (not sure why you say "I don't know how to tell him that without coming across as pressuring him" if you actually have, and he's come back with not wanting a relationship then yes, why bother being his friend even. Being his friend will likely cause you some grief when he meets someone else or when either of your prospective new partners find out you two were once lovers. That hardly ever goes over well.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Darlington
    I have and he said he wants us to spend time together in a light hearted way and see if something comes of it in a natural. That he's not at this stage ready to enter into relationship.

    I am NOT walking away to see if he follows. He already instigated the initial break up, and is the one saying he's not ready for a relationship.
    Listen to this point. Believe him. It's not going anywhere, girl.

    He wants casual with you. Whether he doesn't want a relationship in general, or doesn't want a relationship with you, doesn't change the bottom line. This is pointless, in my opinion. He's just passing time with you.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Lots of good points here.

    At the end of the day relationships—regardless of the label—are a form of validation. So when someone says "I'm not at the stage to enter a relationship," and you indulge that stage—with attention, time, patience, understanding—what you're doing is validating it, making it the foundation. What is supposed to be a kind of purgatory, or stepping stone toward the real thing, becomes the thing, the fabric of the dynamic.

    I've been a guy who has said such things, plenty. To exes, to new people. It's not malicious. It's typically just a combination of emotional unavailability, self-absorption, and a frustration at not feeling certain things you really, really want to feel. Because the person is great! Because you do want The Real Thing! So you kind of think: oh, I'm close, if we can just move a bit slow, keep things a bit lose, then the floodgates will open.

    The big catch, in my experience? It is hard to become really excited—and hard to totally respect—someone who puts up with this, since in the end they are indulging (i.e. validating) a state that you don't really want to be stuck in. You know you're giving them a fraction of what they want and deserve, after all. Who is cool with that? Probably not the person you want to be with, when you're at the "stage" of wanting to be with someone.

    Just something to think about. Nothing is more attractive than a person who knows what they want, and doesn't hedge.

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