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Thread: Should I wait on him a little longer or start dating secretly?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    and did you agree to not have sex in this exploring together as "friends" period?

    I'm wondering why you don't just tell him this and then let the chips fall where they may: ... and then ask him is he still just wanting friendship or is he ready to commit and explore the City with you as your committed partner (you can use your own words of course).

    I think its magnanimous of you to not want to feel you're pressuring him but it's stupid of you to not honour your own end dating goal to do it. So: Be honest with him about what you want and if he doesn't want the same thing then its best you just end this trial all together and work on your romantic goals.
    No sex during this period and since before breaking up. No romantic kissing either. When we meet up to spend time together, we hug and he'll hug/kiss me on the cheek to say goodbye. We always have a really good time together and text on a daily basis. But I'm really starting to miss both emotional and physical intimacy with another person.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Darlington
    No sex during this period and since before breaking up. No romantic kissing either. When we meet up to spend time together, we hug and he'll hug/kiss me on the cheek to say goodbye. We always have a really good time together and text on a daily basis.
    .
    It's totally within your right to tell him that this is not meeting your needs.
    I don't understand all the rules he's come up with. I know I wouldn't agree to it.

  3. #13
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    Never put your life on hold for someone who is not certain they want you. That's a bunch of nonsense, he wants the benefit of a relationship, without one.

    You must go complete no contact if you want to move on.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Darlington
    No sex during this period and since before breaking up. No romantic kissing either. When we meet up to spend time together, we hug and he'll hug/kiss me on the cheek to say goodbye. We always have a really good time together and text on a daily basis. But I'm really starting to miss both emotional and physical intimacy with another person.
    Then do YOURSELF the kindness of telling him that and stop being afraid of what his answer will be. If he's not on board with YOUR dating needs/wants/goals then don't give up those needs/wants/goals because he's not ready. That's called settling. (its also ENABLING him to not have to make a decision about advancing the relationship or not). Just how long does he want you to just be his friend that can't date others? Geeze!

    I think its also best that you don't remain friends at this time (which is why I think you're afraid to rock the boat he's put you in... you are new to the city and he entertains you while you are between friends and hobbies) so that the two of you can both be free to date others and your history with one another isn't getting the irkiness up in any new potentials either of you may meet.

    Time to be honest with him (and with yourself) now.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Darlington
    No sex during this period and since before breaking up. No romantic kissing either. When we meet up to spend time together, we hug and he'll hug/kiss me on the cheek to say goodbye. We always have a really good time together and text on a daily basis. But I'm really starting to miss both emotional and physical intimacy with another person.
    Per my other post, do you see what you're describing here? It is essentially a long distance relationship, minus the distance. The most powerful part of this is the idea, with some rules peppered in to give the idea extra shine, since the reality is...well, it's lacking in nearly all of the basic things people want from romance.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is your heart and instinct telling you what you need to do. Don't backpedal, move forward. The expedient approach is rarely the best. Get involved in the local scene, get on some dating apps.
    Originally Posted by Darlington
    I'm really starting to miss both emotional and physical intimacy with another person.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    One of the things with long distance relationships is that there is a kind of theoretical quality to them: they exist just outside the bubble of reality, and are fueled, in part, by the intoxicating prospect of things getting really great, and really real, once the distance is bridged.

    Tricky part, among many tricky parts? When the distance is closed that fuel supply of intoxicating potential is cut off.

    I say all that because I'm wondering about this present dynamic you're in, how much it's a way of recreating the long distance dynamic without the distance. It makes the whole thing almost real, but not quite, but maybe real...eventually.

    Makes me wonder if, deep down, you kind of doubt the potential of this. It was pretty good, long distance, and then it hurt. Sounds like you processed things well, are ready for a deeper high, but that you might have to let go of the contact high to get it.
    That's so insightful Bluecastle, thank you. I got to thinking the other day (because this dynamic is confusing/strange) "what if it wasn't the distance for him?"..."what if the distance was just a perfect excuse?"

    Yeah, the more I have articulated how I'm feel out loud (here), the more I'm realising, that however much I love him, and however nice he is...my needs are not currently being met. We're slightly in different places. He sees getting back together now as us rushing into it...but a part of me feel like: we were together a year, have been apart for half that time... surely we would know with a high level of certainty if we want to be with eachother by now?

  9. #18
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    My honest take? This guy is not that into you.

    He enjoys your company, obviously, and likes you as a person. However, I get the impression he doesn't feel strongly enough about you to date you in any serious capacity. You are the place-filler until he meets a woman he wants to date. And when that day comes, it is going to hurt like heck for you.

    As such, I would bow out of this untenable agreement with him, wish him well, and go about finding yourself a man who wouldn't risk giving you up.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    surely we would know with a high level of certainty if we want to be with eachother by now?
    Well, by agreeing to his "friendship" dynamic, you are/were enabling him not to have to have any certainty. Before you end it, I suggest you at least give him the opportunity to think about what you want and if he wants that too. Maybe he's just too afraid (as you are it seems to talk to himhonestly about YOUR needs). Maybe you are just as uncertain???

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Per my other post, do you see what you're describing here? It is essentially a long distance relationship, minus the distance. The most powerful part of this is the idea, with some rules peppered in to give the idea extra shine, since the reality is...well, it's lacking in nearly all of the basic things people want from romance.
    WOW!! YES!! I see him once a week...same as before, except neither of us are travelling to the other.

    Why is it that we can't see these things clearly for ourselves?? When they are Sooooo obvious?

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