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Thread: My boyfriend is a slob and I'm sick of it.

  1. #1
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    My boyfriend is a slob and I'm sick of it.

    We've been together for 5 years. It hasn't always been easy- I'm the cleaning for the most part. He was on a business trip the past few days and while I was lonely, I didn't have any depressive thoughts and kept fairly busy. The moment he came home last night, he was like a tornado of mess and disrespect. All the stuff I had "forgotten" about over the past few days immediately started pissing me off again- wet towels on the bed, tripping over his randomly discarded shoes, picking up his underwear off the clean floor, wiping up his urine in the bathroom after he pisses on the floor.

    We've had big fights about this stuff before and he knows it hurts me when he's a mess. I brought it up to him this morning before he headed into work, and he was just like "Oh, Sorry." And didn't care. That's as far as I'm allowed to take it in the mornings because He DoeSnT WannA HavE A BaD DaY. And I guess I understand that. It just feels like... when do MY needs get met? Ever? I work from home so I am at the house all day, but I am working on commissions and projects, and it just doesn't seem fair that I have to take extra time out of my work to do his extras. I clean up after myself, why can't he do the same?

    I feel so hopeless about it. It's not easy to just leave. I'd have to move back in with my parents and put most of my things in storage- I don't have much money in savings. I don't know how to bring it all up without it being a big fight either. On most days I just sit on my hands over it. Right now he's bopping about his day like nothing's wrong. And I'm here crying and ruminating over it. If I bring it up, I'm some sort of psycho that just ruins his happiness. I am so angry and feel helpless about it. Just sucks.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    The reason why he is like that is because of all the hotels he has been staying in for his business trips has maid service. He doesn't have to bat an eye, when he gets back clean towels are fluffed, and the bed is made. Unfortunately, if you stay at home or make less than he does, he feels it's a trade off having him support you.

    I think you could do a few things...have him pay for a housekeeper and a therapist, because the both of you are at a disconnect. He's obviously has this coping mechanism by shutting you out and your feelings....it's called avoidance. If you can't fix that, and start communicating, connecting, this relationship is done.

    As for leaving....there is no excuse. People have left with no money, no place to go with 3 little ones in tow and survived just fine. Your parents will give you the leg up you need, and you can proceed to rebuild your life.

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    I have to say you've hit the nail on the head with the avoidance stuff. That is a huge thing for him right now in other parts of his life too. And honestly for me as well. I think that may be the biggest issue here... besides communication.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    It's so unfair, rude, and tbh it's downright disheartening you have to go through with this when they are supposed to be supportive.
    So him being a slob is a symptom of a greater thing.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    This is from 2016:

    Originally Posted by Pinkerton
    There is also this other issue of me cleaning the house that we constantly fight over. I am OK with cleaning, but he is a disgusting sloppy person who sincerely thought he didn't have to clean up after himself.
    A bit later that year:

    Originally Posted by Pinkerton
    I won't even get into the whole house cleaning situation, where I'm expected to keep the household spotless and clean up after my bf and all of his friends. They trash things up for me faster than I can clean them.
    When something has not changed in over 1,000 days, after many discussions, the place to find comfort, peace, and clarity is in accepting that it's not going to change. If your past threads are any indicator, he has been very consistent on this front, showing you who he is, how he handles both matters of cleanliness and talks about such matters. So that is all known, no point in making it a mystery, though I can understand the impulse. Easier, of course, to ask the question of "why can't he do the same?" than "why am I still in this kind of dynamic"?

    In terms of a solution? Well, if you're still invested in staying in this relationship, why not just hire a weekly/bi-monthly/monthly cleaner? Seems like a no-brainer.

    I admit I will always shirk at phrases like "it's not easy to just leave." Who said such choices, or life in general, were supposed to be easy? So putting it that way, to me, speaks of wanting the comfort of feeling "trapped" or "disrespected," in enjoying that identity, even if subconsciously. Might be something to explore in yourself, to tap into your own power so the behavior and choices of other people aren't so overwhelming.

    After all, if anywhere in his mind he believes you're too scared to leave him, regardless of how he behaves, why on earth would he have any incentive to take your frustrations seriously?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I would stop picking up after him, just kick his clothes into a corner and throw the wet towel on top. That may not solve anything but it'd make a point that you are tired of being his maid.

    Good point about how the hotel maid will clean his room and then he comes back to a nice place. Then he trashes it again. Makes me wonder what his mother taught him when he was a kid.

    I'd also move out. I dont want to be anyone's maid or slave. I have enough to do in a day without cleaning up from a slob of a man/child. So you have to move home with your folks, it's better than putting up with this guy.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I see two separate issues here besides what's already mentioned about avoidance. If you aren't paying equal rent, then quite frankly cleaning and other domestic chores is your fair contribution to the household.

    That said, pissing all over the floor is not acceptable behavior. However, rather than seething or crying and cleaning it up or having blow out fights while talking about your feelings, have you considered action? Like next time this happens, simply walk him into the bathroom, point at the mess and tell him "this is disgusting, clean it up" and walk away.

    What you are doing now is crying about your feelings, but then you go and clean the mess. So in his mind it's all just you nagging but ultimately pointless because after the yapping and nagging you'll go do the job so to speak. Your words mean nothing because your actions are opposite of your words. Make words and actions align.

    Anyway, if your relationship reached a point where you are happy he is gone and losing your mind when he is back and seriously want to leave, then leave. If that means moving back in with your parents, so be it.

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    This is who he is. I would never have moved into this environment. As you can see people do not change, and you should never expect them to. .

    Do you work? If you do, have you considered a higher paying job?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Granted moving costs can suck, but how much are you making / contributing if storage is some huge burden in comparison? It's not chump change, but even in NYC, I was able to get 10x10 storage for ~$150/mo whenever I was traveling between leases.

    I agree completely with DF in that there's a difference between rightfully being responsible for more of the housework and then someone leaving his dirty underwear on the kitchen floor or dribbling p1ss on the floor for you to clean up with a hand towel. And that's giving you some benefit of assuming it's a regular thing. It's about picking your battles at that point. But if you're checked out, you're checked out. Sounds like for whatever reason it's worth it for you despite it all, at least transactionally. Up to you where you wanna take it from here.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You have two choices: stay and continue to clean his messes forever or leave, go to your parents and put your stuff in storage and rebuild your life free from this anxiety and stress.

    Which do your choose?

    BTW, anything worthwhile is not "easy". If you're looking for "easy", this relationship is definitely not it.

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