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My boyfriend is a slob and I'm sick of it.


Pinkerton

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We've been together for 5 years. It hasn't always been easy- I'm the cleaning for the most part. He was on a business trip the past few days and while I was lonely, I didn't have any depressive thoughts and kept fairly busy. The moment he came home last night, he was like a tornado of mess and disrespect. All the stuff I had "forgotten" about over the past few days immediately started pissing me off again- wet towels on the bed, tripping over his randomly discarded shoes, picking up his underwear off the clean floor, wiping up his urine in the bathroom after he pisses on the floor.

 

We've had big fights about this stuff before and he knows it hurts me when he's a mess. I brought it up to him this morning before he headed into work, and he was just like "Oh, Sorry." And didn't care. That's as far as I'm allowed to take it in the mornings because He DoeSnT WannA HavE A BaD DaY. And I guess I understand that. It just feels like... when do MY needs get met? Ever? I work from home so I am at the house all day, but I am working on commissions and projects, and it just doesn't seem fair that I have to take extra time out of my work to do his extras. I clean up after myself, why can't he do the same?

 

I feel so hopeless about it. It's not easy to just leave. I'd have to move back in with my parents and put most of my things in storage- I don't have much money in savings. I don't know how to bring it all up without it being a big fight either. On most days I just sit on my hands over it. Right now he's bopping about his day like nothing's wrong. And I'm here crying and ruminating over it. If I bring it up, I'm some sort of psycho that just ruins his happiness. I am so angry and feel helpless about it. Just sucks.

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The reason why he is like that is because of all the hotels he has been staying in for his business trips has maid service. He doesn't have to bat an eye, when he gets back clean towels are fluffed, and the bed is made. Unfortunately, if you stay at home or make less than he does, he feels it's a trade off having him support you.

 

I think you could do a few things...have him pay for a housekeeper and a therapist, because the both of you are at a disconnect. He's obviously has this coping mechanism by shutting you out and your feelings....it's called avoidance. If you can't fix that, and start communicating, connecting, this relationship is done.

 

As for leaving....there is no excuse. People have left with no money, no place to go with 3 little ones in tow and survived just fine. Your parents will give you the leg up you need, and you can proceed to rebuild your life.

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This is from 2016:

 

There is also this other issue of me cleaning the house that we constantly fight over. I am OK with cleaning, but he is a disgusting sloppy person who sincerely thought he didn't have to clean up after himself.

 

A bit later that year:

 

I won't even get into the whole house cleaning situation, where I'm expected to keep the household spotless and clean up after my bf and all of his friends. They trash things up for me faster than I can clean them.

 

When something has not changed in over 1,000 days, after many discussions, the place to find comfort, peace, and clarity is in accepting that it's not going to change. If your past threads are any indicator, he has been very consistent on this front, showing you who he is, how he handles both matters of cleanliness and talks about such matters. So that is all known, no point in making it a mystery, though I can understand the impulse. Easier, of course, to ask the question of "why can't he do the same?" than "why am I still in this kind of dynamic"?

 

In terms of a solution? Well, if you're still invested in staying in this relationship, why not just hire a weekly/bi-monthly/monthly cleaner? Seems like a no-brainer.

 

I admit I will always shirk at phrases like "it's not easy to just leave." Who said such choices, or life in general, were supposed to be easy? So putting it that way, to me, speaks of wanting the comfort of feeling "trapped" or "disrespected," in enjoying that identity, even if subconsciously. Might be something to explore in yourself, to tap into your own power so the behavior and choices of other people aren't so overwhelming.

 

After all, if anywhere in his mind he believes you're too scared to leave him, regardless of how he behaves, why on earth would he have any incentive to take your frustrations seriously?

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I would stop picking up after him, just kick his clothes into a corner and throw the wet towel on top. That may not solve anything but it'd make a point that you are tired of being his maid.

 

Good point about how the hotel maid will clean his room and then he comes back to a nice place. Then he trashes it again. Makes me wonder what his mother taught him when he was a kid.

 

I'd also move out. I dont want to be anyone's maid or slave. I have enough to do in a day without cleaning up from a slob of a man/child. So you have to move home with your folks, it's better than putting up with this guy.

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I see two separate issues here besides what's already mentioned about avoidance. If you aren't paying equal rent, then quite frankly cleaning and other domestic chores is your fair contribution to the household.

 

That said, pissing all over the floor is not acceptable behavior. However, rather than seething or crying and cleaning it up or having blow out fights while talking about your feelings, have you considered action? Like next time this happens, simply walk him into the bathroom, point at the mess and tell him "this is disgusting, clean it up" and walk away.

 

What you are doing now is crying about your feelings, but then you go and clean the mess. So in his mind it's all just you nagging but ultimately pointless because after the yapping and nagging you'll go do the job so to speak. Your words mean nothing because your actions are opposite of your words. Make words and actions align.

 

Anyway, if your relationship reached a point where you are happy he is gone and losing your mind when he is back and seriously want to leave, then leave. If that means moving back in with your parents, so be it.

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Granted moving costs can suck, but how much are you making / contributing if storage is some huge burden in comparison? It's not chump change, but even in NYC, I was able to get 10x10 storage for ~$150/mo whenever I was traveling between leases.

 

I agree completely with DF in that there's a difference between rightfully being responsible for more of the housework and then someone leaving his dirty underwear on the kitchen floor or dribbling p1ss on the floor for you to clean up with a hand towel. And that's giving you some benefit of assuming it's a regular thing. It's about picking your battles at that point. But if you're checked out, you're checked out. Sounds like for whatever reason it's worth it for you despite it all, at least transactionally. Up to you where you wanna take it from here.

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You have two choices: stay and continue to clean his messes forever or leave, go to your parents and put your stuff in storage and rebuild your life free from this anxiety and stress.

 

Which do your choose?

 

BTW, anything worthwhile is not "easy". If you're looking for "easy", this relationship is definitely not it.

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Sorry to hear this. Is it his apt/house? Who is on the lease/deed? Do you both contribute or do you pay him rent? Why not get a side job that gets you out of the house? Also join some clubs and groups, especially support groups. Volunteer.

 

With a side job you can save to move out and/or hire a cleaning service. Let him do his own cleaning, laundry etc. Don't do it and then have a melt down. Stop acting like the maid. Also consider getting out of go nowhere unbalanced situation. This is not about clothes on the floor and at some level you know this.

he was like a tornado of mess and disrespect.

I brought it up to him this morning before he headed into work, and he was just like "Oh, Sorry." And didn't care.

I work from home so I am at the house all day

just doesn't seem fair that I have to take extra time out of my work to do his extras.

It's not easy to just leave. I'd have to move back in with my parents and put most of my things in storage

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Oh, he does not want to have a bad day - too bad so sad!

 

A housekeeper won't cut it - she wants domestic support from him directly. It's romantic.

 

You've tried to talk to him. You could try counseling. After that, the only thing left is to pull out the big guns - leave him for awhile, or cut off sex.

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I think wiseman made some wise points. I know in the past, I have been like you, my partner left town and low and behold, I was happier! That is a very telling experience.

 

Why are you in this relationship?

 

That question will help direct what you want. In the past, for me, I liked the good stuff, hoped the bad stuff would get better and frankly, i didnt want to be alone.

 

Over time, in my situation, the bad things got worse, the good times were less frequent, and I started realizing he was never going to change, so holding on was limiting my potential to meet someone else.

 

Moving out is pricey and will be hard, but you must own your own life. If that means biding your time to save or make arrangements, that's what you have to do....

 

in the mean time I'd stop cleaning up after him as another said, kick his stuff to the side. Force the conversation in that way.

 

And i just have to add, what are you doing with a guy that urinates on the floor? Is this a grown, healthy man? what the actual what?!?!? And you're cleaning it up? What won't you accept in this relationship?

 

I think you need to do some soul searching and accept some responsibility here.... 1. for how you got here and 2. how you're going to get yourself out.

 

he sounds like a real prize... not. wake up, gf! you can do better 1000%

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Oh, he does not want to have a bad day - too bad so sad!

 

A housekeeper won't cut it - she wants domestic support from him directly. It's romantic.

 

You've tried to talk to him. You could try counseling. After that, the only thing left is to pull out the big guns - leave him for awhile, or cut off sex.

 

I would have been disappointed if you hadn't mentioned cutting off sex, again.

 

OP, deal with this head on, and no manipulations like" cutting off sex." This guy will not change. I don't understand why you have stayed in this piggy environment as long as you have!

 

Time to look into a decent paying job, if your art is not paying off. That should be a hobby, not a career, if you cannot support yourself.

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This is from 2016:

 

 

 

A bit later that year:

 

 

 

When something has not changed in over 1,000 days, after many discussions, the place to find comfort, peace, and clarity is in accepting that it's not going to change. If your past threads are any indicator, he has been very consistent on this front, showing you who he is, how he handles both matters of cleanliness and talks about such matters. So that is all known, no point in making it a mystery, though I can understand the impulse. Easier, of course, to ask the question of "why can't he do the same?" than "why am I still in this kind of dynamic"?

 

In terms of a solution? Well, if you're still invested in staying in this relationship, why not just hire a weekly/bi-monthly/monthly cleaner? Seems like a no-brainer.

 

I admit I will always shirk at phrases like "it's not easy to just leave." Who said such choices, or life in general, were supposed to be easy? So putting it that way, to me, speaks of wanting the comfort of feeling "trapped" or "disrespected," in enjoying that identity, even if subconsciously. Might be something to explore in yourself, to tap into your own power so the behavior and choices of other people aren't so overwhelming.

 

After all, if anywhere in his mind he believes you're too scared to leave him, regardless of how he behaves, why on earth would he have any incentive to take your frustrations seriously?

 

 

It's so hard to let go. I am in such denial about it honestly. And I'm scared to leave. I guess part of me wonders, maybe this IS the best I deserve?

 

I did end up going back to therapy. She thought I shouldve dumped him too. I guess I don't want to leave. I keep having hope that it will get better. Sometimes they do. It's not horrible, but this has been a consistent "F-U" towards me in this relationship. For, well, years.

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It's so hard to let go. I am in such denial about it honestly. And I'm scared to leave. I guess part of me wonders, maybe this IS the best I deserve?

 

I did end up going back to therapy. She thought I shouldve dumped him too. I guess I don't want to leave. I keep having hope that it will get better. Sometimes they do. It's not horrible, but this has been a consistent "F-U" towards me in this relationship. For, well, years.

 

Then you have no right to complain, if YOU are choosing to stay. Either you accept him for who he is, or go.

 

What are you afraid of? Is it because you will have to get a job?

 

He has shown you for five years that he won't get better. Get out of the land of denial. He does not care and you enable him.

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I see that he is also physically and emotionally abusive. Have you gotten any help for this? What do you get to o this relationship? Your mother offered you a place to go.

 

You have been advised by your therapist and the people on this site (multiple times) to leave this guy. I don't understand why you continue to ask if you do not want to leave him- you went back after the first break up, and it is no better.

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Is he still violent and emotionally abusive?

 

You know, working through those issues on this forum actually helped a lot in that realm. I called him on it. I even recorded him when he was misbehaving. The abusive behavior stopped. The arguments we have are more reasonable but still extremely painful and long sometimes. Perhaps there lies one of our problems... we dread having a personal conversation with each other in fear it will turn into a drawn out fight and we will go to any length necessary to avoid it. So it leads to this deep deep resentment.

 

Like right now for example. He has no idea I'm even upset right now...

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You know, working through those issues on this forum actually helped a lot in that realm. I called him on it. I even recorded him when he was misbehaving. The abusive behavior stopped. The arguments we have are more reasonable but still extremely painful and long sometimes. Perhaps there lies one of our problems... we dread having a personal conversation with each other in fear it will turn into a drawn out fight and we will go to any length necessary to avoid it. So it leads to this deep deep resentment.

 

Like right now for example. He has no idea I'm even upset right now...

 

You went back to him, so it did not help. We all told you to get out.

 

What do you get out of this? He is abusive and does not respect you. This will never change. Why do you stay?

 

Time to help yourself!

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.....went back and looked at your past posts.....good grief....

 

You are dating a flaming narcissist. Google it. He won't change, he won't get better, he will continue to abuse you in all kinds of ways, he isn't avoidant the way you think, he simply doesn't care what you think or feel. He sees you as nothing more than a domestic appliance on par with a toaster. You perform certain functions and that's all. If you act up too much, he will do some temporary maintenance purely because it's too inconvenient to him to go get a new one. Note that it is not because he gives a carp about you. It's simply that not many women will tolerate that kind of treatment and his overall bs. Hard work to find one, expensive, time consuming. That said, if you become too much of a problem, you'll get discarded, if he comes across a nicer "toaster" he'll replace you in a heartbeat and on that note, if he hasn't been cheating on you, he will be. You have no idea what he does on his business trips.

 

Good grief, wake up and get out. You won't listen to us here, you don't listen to your own therapist either. What has to happen for you finally wake up and leave this psycho for good? Please check yourself for STD's on a regular basis at the very least if you won't leave this loser. Eventually he'll bring home something incurable and his dirty underwear will be the least of your problems.

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It's so hard to let go. I am in such denial about it honestly. And I'm scared to leave. I guess part of me wonders, maybe this IS the best I deserve?

 

I did end up going back to therapy. She thought I shouldve dumped him too. I guess I don't want to leave. I keep having hope that it will get better. Sometimes they do. It's not horrible, but this has been a consistent "F-U" towards me in this relationship. For, well, years.

 

But, see, it's not an "F-U" toward you. It actually has nothing to do with you, as very, very few people make it an active point in life to make other people miserable. It's him, being himself, alongside you, while you are yourself alongside him. Relationships are 100 percent optional, so this is simply each of you exerting your humanity and free will.

 

If you reflect a bit, I suspect you'd see that you're probably as angry with yourself for staying with him as you are for however he behaves: that you are choosing misery out of fear, and conditioning yourself to find comfort and identity in being miserable. That is not his doing. He's just a messy dude who is immune to considering other people, not a spell-caster. I can't help but get the impression that you may be angry with yourself for quite a bit—unhappy with where you've steered the ship that is you—and this is an issue that stirs that anger, squirts some kerosene on a pre-existing fire.

 

Curious: If he broke up with you tonight do you think you'd be more relieved than devastated?

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Ok these are all pointless nonproductive behaviors. They are focused on changing him so you can live there cheaply and not get a real full time decently paying job. I Working outside going to a real job that pays well would improve your self esteem . That would solve 2 problems. Self esteem and money to move out. Do you really want to be this guys servant as your dream for yourself?

I called him on it. I even recorded him when he was misbehaving. Like right now for example. He has no idea I'm even upset right now...
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'Cause she ain't a gift from gods either, and finding someone else who would be better would be a lot of work, and there is no guarantee that the new one would be better (being a slob is not something terribly unusual in otherwise decent guys), and so she seeks a magic recipe to add polish to what she has, not starting all that very-very hard "relationships" work from scratch.

 

Also, they don't talk with each other for fear of "complications", meaning she won't talk with her next guy too, meaning it would be a train wreck of a relationship too.

 

Some people are just made for bad relationships. Plenty of people, actually. Nothing can be done about it, that's how life goes. Unless she'll decide to do something about it, which she won't.

 

Yes. She does choose it, but others have made changes-leaving horrific relationships-and so can she.

 

OP, you know he will not change, yet you stick around.

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Ok these are all pointless nonproductive behaviors. They are focused on changing him so you can live there cheaply and not get a real full time decently paying job.

 

A blunt assessment that really seems worth thinking about. Take a moment and imagine if you spent the physical and emotional energy, to say nothing of the time, that has gone into trying to change him to suit your needs into changing yourself to suit them.

 

Maybe you've needed these tough years with him to see things along those lines?

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