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Thread: My boyfriend is a slob and I'm sick of it.

  1. #21
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    .....went back and looked at your past posts.....good grief....

    You are dating a flaming narcissist. Google it. He won't change, he won't get better, he will continue to abuse you in all kinds of ways, he isn't avoidant the way you think, he simply doesn't care what you think or feel. He sees you as nothing more than a domestic appliance on par with a toaster. You perform certain functions and that's all. If you act up too much, he will do some temporary maintenance purely because it's too inconvenient to him to go get a new one. Note that it is not because he gives a carp about you. It's simply that not many women will tolerate that kind of treatment and his overall bs. Hard work to find one, expensive, time consuming. That said, if you become too much of a problem, you'll get discarded, if he comes across a nicer "toaster" he'll replace you in a heartbeat and on that note, if he hasn't been cheating on you, he will be. You have no idea what he does on his business trips.

    Good grief, wake up and get out. You won't listen to us here, you don't listen to your own therapist either. What has to happen for you finally wake up and leave this psycho for good? Please check yourself for STD's on a regular basis at the very least if you won't leave this loser. Eventually he'll bring home something incurable and his dirty underwear will be the least of your problems.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pinkerton
    It's so hard to let go. I am in such denial about it honestly. And I'm scared to leave. I guess part of me wonders, maybe this IS the best I deserve?

    I did end up going back to therapy. She thought I shouldve dumped him too. I guess I don't want to leave. I keep having hope that it will get better. Sometimes they do. It's not horrible, but this has been a consistent "F-U" towards me in this relationship. For, well, years.
    But, see, it's not an "F-U" toward you. It actually has nothing to do with you, as very, very few people make it an active point in life to make other people miserable. It's him, being himself, alongside you, while you are yourself alongside him. Relationships are 100 percent optional, so this is simply each of you exerting your humanity and free will.

    If you reflect a bit, I suspect you'd see that you're probably as angry with yourself for staying with him as you are for however he behaves: that you are choosing misery out of fear, and conditioning yourself to find comfort and identity in being miserable. That is not his doing. He's just a messy dude who is immune to considering other people, not a spell-caster. I can't help but get the impression that you may be angry with yourself for quite a bit—unhappy with where you've steered the ship that is you—and this is an issue that stirs that anger, squirts some kerosene on a pre-existing fire.

    Curious: If he broke up with you tonight do you think you'd be more relieved than devastated?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok these are all pointless nonproductive behaviors. They are focused on changing him so you can live there cheaply and not get a real full time decently paying job. I Working outside going to a real job that pays well would improve your self esteem . That would solve 2 problems. Self esteem and money to move out. Do you really want to be this guys servant as your dream for yourself?
    Originally Posted by Pinkerton
    I called him on it. I even recorded him when he was misbehaving. Like right now for example. He has no idea I'm even upset right now...

  4. 01-24-2020, 12:25 PM

  5. #24
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    Originally Posted by Grahor
    'Cause she ain't a gift from gods either, and finding someone else who would be better would be a lot of work, and there is no guarantee that the new one would be better (being a slob is not something terribly unusual in otherwise decent guys), and so she seeks a magic recipe to add polish to what she has, not starting all that very-very hard "relationships" work from scratch.

    Also, they don't talk with each other for fear of "complications", meaning she won't talk with her next guy too, meaning it would be a train wreck of a relationship too.

    Some people are just made for bad relationships. Plenty of people, actually. Nothing can be done about it, that's how life goes. Unless she'll decide to do something about it, which she won't.
    Yes. She does choose it, but others have made changes-leaving horrific relationships-and so can she.

    OP, you know he will not change, yet you stick around.

  6.  

  7. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok these are all pointless nonproductive behaviors. They are focused on changing him so you can live there cheaply and not get a real full time decently paying job.
    A blunt assessment that really seems worth thinking about. Take a moment and imagine if you spent the physical and emotional energy, to say nothing of the time, that has gone into trying to change him to suit your needs into changing yourself to suit them.

    Maybe you've needed these tough years with him to see things along those lines?

  8. #26
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by hollyj
    i would have been disappointed if you hadn't mentioned cutting off sex, again.
    lol. . . . .

  9. #27
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    I think the slob stuff is just a symptom of the real issues here. Sorry if that is repetitive. My husband tends to hoard and has tons of clutter. I do most of the cleaning because for the first 7 years I was the full time parent at home. So that was fair. Last 3 years I work part time so I should do more of the housework but I do most.

    What I think is fair:

    It doesn't have to be equal, it just has to feel fair and there has to be room for non-confrontational communication when it's not -because it's not stagnant.
    You have to ask yourself whether he would clean if you asked but you wouldn't like how he cleaned or when he cleaned (that would be my issue in my marriage)
    What does he do to hold up his part of the partnership - for example it sounds like you don't contribute to the rent. So what does he get in return for having to pay the rent?
    It sounds like he works full time but you don't and he travels a lot but you don't so you use more of the living space more often.

    I too would leave his laundry in the corner -let him figure it out. Today I did pick up my husband's underwear in our laundry pile because I don't think he knew I was going to run a wash but if I tell him most of the time he puts it in. Sometimes I don't check in part so he "remembers" to put it in.
    Who does any handy-person or maintenance stuff in your home? You or him? Who makes the calls or follows up? Just make sure he's not making up for this in other ways.

    He is a slob. I doubt that will change and if this becomes the only issue I'd discuss hiring a housekeeper twice a month . Sometimes the decluttering and seeing the apartment cleaned by someone you paid is a motivator.

    Good luck.

  10. #28
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    With no money in savings, and you can't afford to live alone, it's time to think about a different career path. Perhaps you should move back in with your parents and get continuing education whether it be a trade or college, since you don't want to dependent on other people for shelter. Work on your self esteem while single, reading books on how to do that, or your man picker will continue to be broken.

  11. #29
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    .....went back and looked at your past posts.....good grief....

    You are dating a flaming narcissist. Google it. He won't change, he won't get better, he will continue to abuse you in all kinds of ways, he isn't avoidant the way you think, he simply doesn't care what you think or feel. He sees you as nothing more than a domestic appliance on par with a toaster. You perform certain functions and that's all. If you act up too much, he will do some temporary maintenance purely because it's too inconvenient to him to go get a new one. Note that it is not because he gives a carp about you. It's simply that not many women will tolerate that kind of treatment and his overall bs. Hard work to find one, expensive, time consuming. That said, if you become too much of a problem, you'll get discarded, if he comes across a nicer "toaster" he'll replace you in a heartbeat and on that note, if he hasn't been cheating on you, he will be. You have no idea what he does on his business trips.

    Good grief, wake up and get out. You won't listen to us here, you don't listen to your own therapist either. What has to happen for you finally wake up and leave this psycho for good? Please check yourself for STD's on a regular basis at the very least if you won't leave this loser. Eventually he'll bring home something incurable and his dirty underwear will be the least of your problems.
    OMG, I was just going to write this: "You are dating a flaming narcissist. Google it. He won't change, he won't get better, he will continue to abuse you in all kinds of ways, he isn't avoidant the way you think, he simply doesn't care what you think or feel. He sees you as nothing more than a domestic appliance on par with a toaster." I couldn't agree more. And, he is chauvinistic on top of it, IMHO. Take it from me. I was married to one for many years. That said, it's up to you. You have the power to get out of this hot mess. Sure, some guys are slobs, as are some women. But, it's his attitude that bothers me. So, quit complaining and get out. Like I mentioned, I was with my ex for 30+ years and if I can handle it (although I ironically was the dumpee), so can you. I'm surviving rather well, and I no longer subjected to his ridiculous ways.

    You are responsible for your own happiness and it certainly sounds like you are miserable in this relationship. He is disrespectful and inconsiderate. Your choice. You can stay and or get out.

  12. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Get evaluated by a doctor MD. You need treatment for the mood disorder and suicidal ideation. Get ongoing supportive therapy. And move back home to your parents, you need to be around supportive helpful people..Sometimes you need a few steps backwards to make more strides forward.

    This man and this job are not working out. Why not look into social services help with food, healthcare and job training/tuition assistance. Being this jerks servant is not being an artist, realizing any dreams nor a good place to stay..
    Originally Posted by Pinkerton
    I'm an artist, and for the past month I've been working at a "Drink and Paint" franchise where you guide people step by step through painting.

    All I want is to feel like a normal person and not have a break down every time I go into work, or do anything slightly uncomfortable.

    It gets me to a very low and dark place, and sometimes I even get suicidal ideation..

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