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he cheated, do i stay or go?


Lynn78

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My boyfriend of over 2 years, that I've never had a problem with, we don't argue, spend most of our spare time together, came to my house tonight crying, saying he had messed up big time. I was so confused, I was like at work? Did you lose your job? And he says no, I was told today I've got a baby. I'm like a what?? YOU CHEATED ON ME? And he shakes his head yes. So the baby was born in December, and when he first found out the girl was pregnant she told him she didn't think it was his. Today she sends him a photo of dna testing that proved it wasn't the other guys baby. So my boyfriend has told her he doesn't want another kid, and she tells him she'll just tell people the father didn't want in the baby life. So he said he was left with a decision, don't tell me and then I find out later down the road and it makes things worse, or tell me now and face the consequences. I have told him if he ever cheated on me I was done. So he has been acting strange for months, I thought it was his combat ptsd, but he says its because he was miserable with what he had done. But I have to wonder if the baby hadn't came up would he have ever told me? And this wasn't a one time fling, they hooked up several times he said. He has to have been lying about working over to see her, because the rest of the time we were always together. I love him, I love his daughter, his family, but what am I supposed to do? My heart is crushed and I am torn. I can't imagine a life without them in it, but i cant imagine a life with a cheater, either.

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Yeah - I get it. He cheated and that totally sucks. BUT - just because this girl shows him a report saying that some other guy isn't the dad - doesn't necessarily mean that he is. SHe might have been with more than just 2 guys. My thought is to deal with one issue at a time. Have him do a dna test to see if he is a match or not. Once you have that answer, move on to the next part.

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You told him that you would leave him if he cheated again. HUH!?

 

My dear, this POS had a child with another woman. How much does he have to disrespect you for you to leave? Where is your self worth? He does not give a sh*t about you.

 

I would bet money that she is not the only one. Get tested. Immediately!

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Yeah - I get it. He cheated and that totally sucks. BUT - just because this girl shows him a report saying that some other guy isn't the dad - doesn't necessarily mean that he is. SHe might have been with more than just 2 guys. My thought is to deal with one issue at a time. Have him do a dna test to see if he is a match or not. Once you have that answer, move on to the next part.

What about the fact that he cheated on her and also could have exposed her to STDs? Would you stay with someone like this?

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He may or may not be the father. But that’s irrelevant at this point.

 

He had unprotected sex with another and didn’t disclose that to you.

Are you having protected sex with him to prevent him from having a child that he doesn’t want?

And are you having protected sex with him to prevent you from having an sti that you don’t want?

 

This girl was unsure who the father was , so she was clearly having unprotected sex, with ? Several.

Your bf was also having unprotected sex with others apart from you , so the first thing you need to do is get a full sti check.

 

What’s the time lines?

When did you start seeing him? How old is the child?

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He may or may not be the father. But that’s irrelevant at this point.

 

He had unprotected sex with another and didn’t disclose that to you.

Are you having protected sex with him to prevent him from having a child that he doesn’t want?

And are you having protected sex with him to prevent you from having an sti that you don’t want?

 

This girl was unsure who the father was , so she was clearly having unprotected sex, with ? Several.

Your bf was also having unprotected sex with others apart from you , so the first thing you need to do is get a full sti check.

 

What’s the time lines?

When did you start seeing him? How old is the child?

 

ive been with him for 2 years and 4 months, the baby is 5 weeks old. He says this is the only time hes cheated but hes probably lying.

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So to summarise:

 

1. He cheated on you multiples times with one woman. If he had felt guilty about it, he could have stopped after one time but he was enjoying his double life so much that he did it again several times.

 

2. He lied to you about it for at least 9 months (from the time he came inside of her to the birth of the child). During that time , he could have told you the truth but chose not to. And yes, you're right to think you would have never known the truth if there wasn't a kid.

 

3. He chose to put your health at risk by not using protection. Several time. He didn't tell you: honey have an std test because I cheated on you. He didn't care about your health (or his) for at least 9 months. It was his choice to put his health at risk but not yours. He ripped you from the ability to make an informed decision about your well being.

 

4.he is very iresponsible: he think there is a high probability that the child is his but instead of having a DNA test and if positive, face his responsibilities and prepare himself for child custody and support, he says " but I don't want a kid ! " . So he' s already thinking of abandonning his own flesh and blood.

 

So he is a lyer, a cheater and a coward. All the desicion he takes are for his benefit only. Very selfish attitude.

 

I'm sure he' s not a monster, he must have some good qualities like everyone but you have to be aware of his.flaws. those are terrible flaws. make an informed decision.

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Very sorry to hear this. Unfortunately anyone capable of this much deception, betrayal and duplicity is not someone worth your time. Smiling in your face while stabbing you in the back is not "never had a problem".

 

Get to a doctor for STD testing, obviously he runs around having unprotected sex. What he admitted is the tip of the iceberg because he was afraid it would come out, otherwise he would have kept running around behind your back making babies with other woman.

 

"Another kid"? how many baby mamas does this creep have? He will have to pay child support whether he wants another kid or not. You and his kid are not "a family", since this whole thing is a sham. Perhaps you were the babysitter now and then. You can do much better than this and have your own real family with your own children and a man who can keep his pants zipped.

 

What you can do is imagine a better life without him since the one you had with him was all a lie.

My boyfriend of over 2 years, that I've never had a problem with I was told today I've got a baby. So the baby was born in December. my boyfriend has told her he doesn't want another kid I can't imagine a life without them in it, but i cant imagine a life with a cheater, either.
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Wow. I'm sorry. This is huge and must be devastating.

 

I would not be able to continue this relationship. A healthy, happy, relationship between two people is based on love and trust. And this situation is not that.

 

I feel staying with him, will for the short term ease some of the pain, as he knows he is in the dog house. So he will be acting a certain way that is comforting.....

 

HOWEVER!

 

In time, he will no longer have those feelings of guilt. And he will come to decide, you love him so much, you won't leave him. No matter what...

 

In time, you will resent him and yourself for accepting this. And you probably, will feel like since you stayed, you can't leave.... The relationship will degrade into misery because you wont respect him or yourself.... because you know having sex with someone else is not what a loving partner does.

 

Shame on him. He has horrible morals. Is selfish and a liar. Proof by his own actions. And to simply say, he doesn't want anorher kid, after he made him or her! That is more telling about who he is as a person than anything. If he cant be a man for his child, how could ever be ine for you?

 

His family and friends, may be great, but they're not the ones in this.... you can't base any decision on them.

 

Good luck. Be strong! You deserve and are worth better than this POS!

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ive been with him for 2 years and 4 months, the baby is 5 weeks old. He says this is the only time hes cheated but hes probably lying.

 

Whenever someone discloses their indiscretion, they try to soften the blow by making light of it. Remember, they are in damage control mode.

 

Is it possible it was only one time? Maybe. But you typically need to times the number by 10 for every one time they say they did something.

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People make relationships so much more complicated than it needs to be. It's simple really: A partner is supposed to be someone who will go through life with you as a team and better it with love and respect. When a person is hindering your ability to feel free, happy, and content, then why stay? If they disrespect not only your mind by causing you mental pain through cheating (multiple times at that!), but blatantly disregard your health by putting you at risk for STDs, it is not worth it!! Have respect for yourself by knowing there are people out there who wouldn't even think of doing that to you and leave.

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*shrug* around 70% of people cheat at some time in life, males and females. Sometimes their relationships survive, sometimes not. But do you really feel the need for that particular relationship to survive? Can you truly not see someone better than him in your future?

 

That “statistic” needs context and clarification lol

 

70% of people might cheat at some point in their life in early relationships but that does not mean that 70% of successful long lasting relationships involved infidelity.

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ive been with him for 2 years and 4 months, the baby is 5 weeks old. He says this is the only time hes cheated but hes probably lying.

 

Ok so about 18 months into your relationship he was having unprotected sex with some girl who was having unprotected sex with another guy.

 

You haven’t answered my question as to if you were having unprotected sex with him?

Either way have you got booked in to get tested? This is your priority.

 

Do you have children and do you want children in the future?

 

Sti’s such as chlamydia and mycoplasma can cause infertility and be asymptomatic for a year or more.

 

Also, your bf has told this chick he was banging behind your back that he wants nothing to do with his child. So presumably won’t tell his daughter she has a sibling. Won’t pay child maintenance, unless the courts make him do a paternal test when this girl decides she wants money after all. And even if that happens 3 years down the line , he could be forced to make back payments. Has he set up an account to cover this possibility??

 

If you decide to stay with him, don’t move in with him, don’t financially commit to him, keep all finances seperate , until the child is at least 14 years old. Can you do that??

 

Is he worth that?

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