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Thread: Can't make my girlfriend happy

  1. #1

    Can't make my girlfriend happy

    Hello.
    Me and my girlfriend are together for almost 9 months, and I love her very very much.
    My girlfriend often have a hard time in life, which make her very upset. I love my girlfriend so much, and The only thing I want in the world is that she feels good, but I just can't seem to help her in any way.
    She says that I am just making her feel worse. I have tried everything there is, but I just can't seem to help.
    She doesn't want to see me when she fails a test or something like that, cause I will make her feel worse. She doesn't always talk to me about that, for the same reason. She has a bff which she can come to, and she always prefer her over me at those situations.
    I just don't know what to do anymore, and I don't want to break up with her.

    Please can you help me? Or give me any kind of advice about what to do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    For a start, it is not your job to make your girlfriend happy.

    Next, broadly, men and women have different ways of dealing with things. Men will often try to fix the issue, or give advice on the best way to not have those issues. While women are more likely to be supportive, listen and just be there.

    When she comes to you, you try to fix it, and that's not what she is wanting. By trying to fix her problem, she doesn't believe you are listening to her issue and being supportive. So, she turns to her bff who will just listen and be supportive.

    So, my suggestion would be to just listen to what she is saying, let her know that you understand and you'll be there for her.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Focus on your schoolwork, sports, clubs, groups, job, etc and stop smothering and patronizing her. If she wants time away from you leave her alone. Stop being possessive and controlling and clingy. She wants to be with her friends or have alone time, you know this so pay attention or end it.
    Originally Posted by dannyh532
    She says that I am just making her feel worse.
    She doesn't want to see me when she fails a test or something like that, cause I will make her feel worse. She doesn't always talk to me about that, for the same reason. She has a bff which she can come to, and she always prefer her over me at those situations.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    What you need to understand is that she doesn't need to be fixed and it's not your job to make her happy. That's on her and only her.

    You need to learn to accept people for who they are and as they are. If she wants to sit a cave like a hermit for 5 days and lick her wounds after a failure, that's how she deals with failure and you need to respect that. Meaning that you need to leave her alone to do what works for her. If she wants to cry on her bff's shoulder about it....why on earth do you have a problem with that? That's what friends are for and be glad she has good friends she can lean on. That's healthy.

    In a relationship, you should not seek or expect to be your partner's everything to the exclusion of all others. You will suffocate your relationships that way. Yes, you are each other's best friends, but a romantic relationship is a different dynamic from just friends. Having outside friendships is important. Time apart, having some interests together but some apart is also important and healthy. If you just have each other and nothing else, your life will become dull and your relationship will die a slow and painful death for lack of oxygen.

    In a nutshell, don't be clingy and always be sure to give your gf plenty of room to be herself and do her own thing however she sees fit. Respect your gf for the person she actually is and do NOT try to turn her into someone else you want her to be. That means that you need to be honest with yourself if this woman you are dating is truly working out for you or working out only if you can fix her, change her, mold her into being different.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    There are two types of women...women that lean on a man for support (a daddy's girl) making him her best friend and women who have a BFF that is their whole world...the only one they trust completely. If you want one that leans on you for support, you will have to go find her.

    For some it's a deal breaker because you feel pushed or left out. I don't think you are smothering her or being clingy, you are just a supportive BF because you care and you like that connection. You would do anything for her. This I'm afraid is not fixable. You can try and let her know how it makes you feel, but there is no way she's gonna give up running to her BFF. This is what we call incompatibility. You will figure it out what this is and why it will eventually be the demise of your relationship.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    There are two types of women...women that lean on a man for support (a daddy's girl) making him her best friend and women who have a BFF that is their whole world...the only one they trust completely. If you want one that leans on you for support, you will have to go find her.

    For some it's a deal breaker because you feel pushed or left out. I don't think you are smothering her or being clingy, you are just a supportive BF because you care and you like that connection. You would do anything for her. This I'm afraid is not fixable. You can try and let her know how it makes you feel, but there is no way she's gonna give up running to her BFF. This is what we call incompatibility. You will figure it out what this is and why it will eventually be the demise of your relationship.

    - I like this.

    You know, that's not a bad thing, that she only wants to see you when she's in a good mood. Stop trying to fix her, hold on loosely, and appreciate that she's not a Debbie Downer.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    If you watch women interact with each other, we love to commiserate and vet out our problems to each other. No one tries to fix it or tell them how they should have handled it. We listen, empathize and once we've gotten it out of our system by saying it out loud, we are able move on..

    That's why she turns to her bff to talk to instead of you.

    If you reread what you wrote, you yourself share the frustration of wanting to fix it and her frustration of not feeling heard.
    It's kind of a universal issue and a difference between men and women.

    But going forward just try to listen and be supportive. It actually relieves you from the responsibility of trying to solve it.
    The best part is as women, we almost always already know the answer or how we want to handle it, but we just take a different route to get there.

    She doesn't want to see me when she fails a test or something like that, cause I will make her feel worse. I felt the same way with my ex husband. It got to a point I didn't share anything with him. If I shared any simple dilemma, I was guaranteed a 30 minute lecture about how I should have handled it differently.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    If you watch women interact with each other, we love to commiserate and vet out our problems to each other. No one tries to fix it or tell them how they should have handled it. We listen, empathize and once we've gotten it out of our system by saying it out loud, we are able move on..

    That's why she turns to her bff to talk to instead of you.

    If you reread what you wrote, you yourself share the frustration of wanting to fix it and her frustration of not feeling heard.
    It's kind of a universal issue and a difference between men and women.

    But going forward just try to listen and be supportive. It actually relieves you from the responsibility of trying to solve it.
    The best part is as women, we almost always already know the answer or how we want to handle it, but we just take a different route to get there.

    She doesn't want to see me when she fails a test or something like that, cause I will make her feel worse. I felt the same way with my ex husband. It got to a point I didn't share anything with him. If I shared any simple dilemma, I was guaranteed a 30 minute lecture about how I should have handled it differently.

    - Great post


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