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I Can't Keep up with My Partner Mentally


ConfusedLady21

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I am so grateful for my boyfriend. I really am. We’ve been together for almost 7 months. We might have our differences and that’s to be expected. But for the most part, he is extremely thoughtful and caring. He looks out for me and I try my best to do the same for him. Out of all of my previous dating experiences, I feel the most secure with him and for the first time in a long time, I invision things to be long term with him. I really do adore him.

 

 

All of that is fine, things for the most part is going smoothly but I can’t help but to feel insecure. He is a total wiz. He’s definitely a wealth of information. Any topic could be brought up, from Greek Mythos, to politics, ANYTHING he can dive deep and make meaningful contributions to any conversation. That’s part of the reason why I adore him, but when it comes down to him carrying on deep conversation about history or mythos with me, I am at a loss. I have been described as “smart” and “advanced” by others, but with this man, I feel as if I fall short. I feel like he would appreciate a woman who would be able to contribute more and challenge his views (challenging him in general). I might not be able to keep up mentally with him, but I DO know that my love runs deep and that I would be loyal devoted to him regardless if it’s a rainy day or a good day.

 

I just worry. I don’t want the fact that he thinks I’m cute or the (hot) sex to be all fluff and then we fizzle out later on because we can’t find things in common, or I can’t dive as deep into a subject as he would like for me to. I’ve expressed my uneasiness to him, because I feel as if we should always be on the same page, and communication provides that for us. His response is that he knows what he needs. To love and be loved. He tells me that I provide him the love he’s been wanting. I still can’t help but to worry.. Has anyone ever experienced a partner who wasn’t as sharp as you? How did you feel about it? Thanks.

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My husband knows plenty of things I dont know and I know plenty he doesnt know. He's a wiz and genius with cars and their history and I get stories all the time about how some car was created, and by who and I mostly listen, but I do tune him out when it truly doesnt interest me. I know way more about computers and how to use them effectively and he doesnt really care, he can do what he wants on his computer and he's happy. That is just two examples of where we can learn from the other.

 

There's no reason on earth we need to be on the same page about everything! I'm willing to bet, without knowing you, that you know many things that your bf doesnt. You can learn from him, and he from you. You need to settle yourself down and realize you both cant know everything the other person does.

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You've posted multiple times about how insecure and unworthy you feel in this relationship. People have advised you multiple times.

 

Has any of the advice been useful to you? I ask because you keep reposting, so that makes me believe you aren't getting the answers you're seeking.

 

Your posting history shows this clearly.

 

So...what exactly are you looking for here?

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If its just two subjects [mythos & history] where you find yourself at a "lost" when he talks about it, then it's nothing to worry about. Sounds like a normal couple.

 

However if you noticed that it's not just two subjects, but a plethora of subjects that you have a hard time contributing to, then I can see why you are worried.

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You've posted multiple times about how insecure and unworthy you feel in this relationship. People have advised you multiple times.

 

Has any of the advice been useful to you? I ask because you keep reposting, so that makes me believe you aren't getting the answers you're seeking.

 

Your posting history shows this clearly.

 

So...what exactly are you looking for here?

 

I've been feeling better about my relationship. I am looking for other people's experiences if they have been through something similar.

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It's the same thing. You feel unworthy of him and you continue to ask him for reassurance.

 

Did you move in with him?

 

That's a recurring question that keeps coming up. Which I don't know why, it has nothing to do with my post. I have not. Never have I stated I would. I would like to but we're taking our time to make that decision.

 

And asking for others experience isn't the same thing, it offers a different perspective.

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I think in the past you posted a thread about moving in with your boyfriend because you were having a tough time finding a roommate because uneasiness of potential roommates living with your rescued dog. I remember responding.

 

Bolt is pretty much right on. If you keep posting threads but the central issue is usually your insecurity, have you actually worked on those insecurity issues so you are not always looking for reassurance?

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You both have your strengths and contributions. This world would be boring if there was only one expert in the relationship.

 

My husband is very scientific and mechanical / handyman / Mr. Fix It type whereas I'm more artistic and creative so we balance each other out.

 

Try not to feel so insecure. If your man loves and respects you, you're very fortunate so appreciate and be grateful for what you have. Don't create drama when there isn't any.

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It’s about once a month that these feeling seem to consume you enough that you feel you need support.

 

Ok.

 

Let’s own that.

 

You aren’t actively doing anything to change the trajectory of your relationship dynamic or your feelings.

 

Ok.

 

Let’s own that.

 

Look I’m not going to sit here and lie, I’m still feeling some type of way about you snapping at some of us for pointing this core issue out a few months back with the whole coworker fiasco, but it is what it is, at this point to pretend the elephant in the room isn’t suffocating you would just be silly.

 

Reassurance is a temporary fix as you I’m sure are starting to realize.

 

If you want to continue on this road of monthly reassurances, it is your life.

 

But own it.

 

And recognize the limitations.

 

The power of these hits of reassurance become less and less potent with time. This dynamic isn’t sustainable if you aren’t happy, and perpetual insecurity isn’t happiness and who knows maybe it was always there and this relationship brought it to the surface, until you face the core issue here, you are chipping away at yourself

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That's a recurring question that keeps coming up. Which I don't know why, it has nothing to do with my post. I have not. Never have I stated I would. I would like to but we're taking our time to make that decision.

 

And asking for others experience isn't the same thing, it offers a different perspective.

 

What do you want from us? You have received many answers on this issue. Are you getting therapy?

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He doesn't sound like the type who is looking for an equal. He also sounds a bit full of himself. Try no to be impressed this much by him, just yawn when he does this. People who pontificate this way tend to be the insecure ones.

He is a total wiz. He’s definitely a wealth of information. Any topic could be brought up, from Greek Mythos, to politics, ANYTHING he can dive deep and make meaningful contributions to any conversation.
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I would say my husband and I have close to the same intelligence. He is smarter at some things and I am smarter at other things. For instance he could give you a blow by blow of any battle that’s ever happened on this planet me I could care less. I find war emotionally devastating. He was also raised in a very politically rabid family. Me, I know more about medical and mental health . I am very people smart and he is very not. We have very close to similar education levels but our careers are completely different. We can both have very complicated conversations with each other. The point is to learn from each other.

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I would say my husband and I have close to the same intelligence. He is smarter at some things and I am smarter at other things. For instance he could give you a blow by blow of any battle that’s ever happened on this planet me I could care less. I find war emotionally devastating. He was also raised in a very politically rabid family. Me, I know more about medical and mental health . I am very people smart and he is very not. We have very close to similar education levels but our careers are completely different. We can both have very complicated conversations with each other. The point is to learn from each other.

 

I love this type of balancing -it makes so much sense! Yes for me personally I am most comfortable when I'm with a person who challenges me intellectually and mentally - but not where I don't feel comfortable around the person or comfortable in my own skin. I feel confident in my intelligence. I feel humble too. I know what I don't know and I own it. I know what is out of my grasp (math, ugh). My husband is a math whiz.

 

I am writing this while agreeing with those who said - it's like you're constantly on eggshells generally so I don't know if it is helpful to give input on these specific examples

 

But let's have fun and assume it would be helpful. If this was your only issue I would agree with Seraphim and Cherylyn and some others AND I would recommend that you ask yourself if you like being well read. Be very honest about that. I've been a total bookworm for almost 50 years. I love reading and I love being well read. So I read the New Yorker when I can (no you don't have to be from NY to enjoy the heck out of it), I read good fiction (and also some not so good) and good nonfiction. I read every day. I probably should read more. Try to keep up with non-horrifying current events. And I also will try to watch a bit of Star Trek (yes husband is a fan). I also surround myself with people who are intellectually curious and like to talk about more than our kids for example. A lot more. My work requires brain work a lot of the time. i love that- feels like a good workout on my brain. My mom is 85 and does sudoku to keep sharp and goes to lectures and a book club and took college classes the last 10 years.

 

So ask yourself if you're willing to extend yourself in those areas - if it won't be enjoyable for you then don't do it and accept that it's not your thing. It's certainly not everyone's thing. But it's his thing and I bet if you delved into a topic you liked he might come along for the ride if he's truly intellectually curious. I like to learn new things all the time. Do you? Be honest. I have a friend who is heavily into a certain kind of Brazilian dance, another who is a lawyer but now has her own ceramics/pottery business, another who is starting a life coaching business - so they might love being intellectually curious but they also love working with their hands, challenging their bodies, being an entrepreneur, using emotional IQ. Find what you're into. See if that is compatible generally with him.

 

But that's only if this isn't just another excuse for "why am I so insecure generally"

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His response is that he knows what he needs. To love and be loved. He tells me that I provide him the love he’s been wanting.

 

- You are right - he is a very smart man indeed.

 

So let him think tank with his genius friend, and date you. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

Additionally, if you find someone better than you, that's a good thing. An asset is better than a liability.

 

Everyone has their gifts. God does not respect any one person above another.

 

Besides, you have the world's best aphrodisiac on your side, love - he loves you. Never underestimate the power of love.

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My husband has an encyclopedic memory, so can discuss any historical fact and science tidbit for days...but when it comes to expressing himself emotionally, he can be mute a a wall.

 

Lady, if he wanted someone just like himself, he'd be dating something just like itself, and it's not pretty. They don't want a historian - they want love and kindness and touch.

 

I can't help your insecurities - they are a waste of your time, but if you want to know more, read some history books.

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I asked that same question and was told "different perspectives".

 

If this were an issue all on its own I would have some advice. But it's a symptom of a much larger issue. You feel inadequate, express your feelings of inadequacy to him frequently hoping to be reassured, then it happens again.

 

Why not try a therapist to resolve these issues once and for all?

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I love this type of balancing -it makes so much sense! Yes for me personally I am most comfortable when I'm with a person who challenges me intellectually and mentally - but not where I don't feel comfortable around the person or comfortable in my own skin. I feel confident in my intelligence. I feel humble too. I know what I don't know and I own it. I know what is out of my grasp (math, ugh). My husband is a math whiz.

 

I am writing this while agreeing with those who said - it's like you're constantly on eggshells generally so I don't know if it is helpful to give input on these specific examples

 

But let's have fun and assume it would be helpful. If this was your only issue I would agree with Seraphim and Cherylyn and some others AND I would recommend that you ask yourself if you like being well read. Be very honest about that. I've been a total bookworm for almost 50 years. I love reading and I love being well read. So I read the New Yorker when I can (no you don't have to be from NY to enjoy the heck out of it), I read good fiction (and also some not so good) and good nonfiction. I read every day. I probably should read more. Try to keep up with non-horrifying current events. And I also will try to watch a bit of Star Trek (yes husband is a fan). I also surround myself with people who are intellectually curious and like to talk about more than our kids for example. A lot more. My work requires brain work a lot of the time. i love that- feels like a good workout on my brain. My mom is 85 and does sudoku to keep sharp and goes to lectures and a book club and took college classes the last 10 years.

 

So ask yourself if you're willing to extend yourself in those areas - if it won't be enjoyable for you then don't do it and accept that it's not your thing. It's certainly not everyone's thing. But it's his thing and I bet if you delved into a topic you liked he might come along for the ride if he's truly intellectually curious. I like to learn new things all the time. Do you? Be honest. I have a friend who is heavily into a certain kind of Brazilian dance, another who is a lawyer but now has her own ceramics/pottery business, another who is starting a life coaching business - so they might love being intellectually curious but they also love working with their hands, challenging their bodies, being an entrepreneur, using emotional IQ. Find what you're into. See if that is compatible generally with him.

 

But that's only if this isn't just another excuse for "why am I so insecure generally"

 

Very well said Bat and some questions that may help the OPer very much in delving into her feelings about all this.

 

Too bad she probably won’t be back for another month... I hope she at least gave it a read, since it was very helpful.

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Very well said Bat and some questions that may help the OPer very much in delving into her feelings about all this.

 

Too bad she probably won’t be back for another month... I hope she at least gave it a read, since it was very helpful.

 

She has no intention of dealing with the real issue, only repeating the same question, over and over.

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OP, We have answered this question for you countless times. Do you realize that you have close to 200 responses to your feelings of insecurity with this guy? Why do you continue to return with the same question? I think that that is disrespectful to the people who have taken the time to respond? What do you want from us?

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It's the same thing. You feel unworthy of him and you continue to ask him for reassurance.

 

Did you move in with him?

She also continues to ask us for reassurance. Lady... if you don't stop with the insecurity, it won't be your inability to be the book of knowledge you say he is but rather you will be projecting a negative vibe that he'll likely get very sick of.

 

I still can’t help but to worry..
... and why don't you explain to us what good that is doing for you? Learn to relax and enjoy this feeling he insues in you that you are valued and appreciated or... find a guy that you feel superior to so that you aren't with such little confidence around. You're going to break up if you keep this unnecessary worrying because you are putting out to the Universe what you are going to get back so stop it before it's too late.
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