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Thread: Love / rape

  1. #1
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    Love / rape

    Hello.
    I remember coming here and asking advice few months ago, about this story.

    Now I really need your advice about a hypothetical part 2 of it, let's suppose I ended up contacting this guy. He was thinking about me too and asking about me from various people this whole time. We are so happy to find each other again and to be so in love. Everytime we see each other is pure joy and we think we're so compatible that we are seriously planning to get engaged as soon as we graduate and find a job this year.
    Let's suppose that everything was so nice until this night when he forced himself on me, in every way possible. I was virgin due to religious reasons and was clear about wanting to wait even if I was very attracted to him. He decided that night that it would be silly to wait as we will anyway end up getting married. He was not even protected and I had no idea what to do after that, I was left crying and alone, dirty, ashamed, afraid, searching on the internet what are we supposed to do in such cases. It happened two other times, not rape but he made me touch him.

    I live in a conservative country where sexuality is taboo AND illegal outside marriage, I couldn't talk about it to anyone, there isn't any free screening centers to my knowledge. I didn't and still don't want to know that I have some std anyway, even if days later I got what I'm 100% sure is genital herpes.

    I'm still a student on my last year of school so even if I have one I'm not sure I can take charge this few months. I can't talk about it to my parents.

    First I was thinking about virginity which is not only very important in our society, but also and mainly for my beliefs, than pregnancy (i took pills after that), then health. And somehow the only way I could survive this and keep my head up was pretending nothing ever happened. He apologized and told me he wanted to be the first one, it was his way to make me "his" forever, he took good care of me these few months and still , he's very supportive like nothing ever happened. I don't know, I somehow told myself that the easiest thing to do is to believe that we love and respect each other, that it was just a mistake. At the same time, I feel too dirty to leave. Because he's only one who knows what I went through. I feel trapped, I can't imagine meeting someone else someday and just telling him «btw I have herpes and maybe other things and we can't ever have sex without you having it too», these things can't be told in a society like the one I live in. Not to be dramatic but a part of my life is really ruined.
    So I try just to love him so hard, and I do, but a part of me hates him so much and will never forgive him. I hate myself for staying in this relationship.
    Do you have any advice for me please? I know it's hard to understand outside the cultural context but someone may understand what I'm going through. I feel so alone with all this.

    Thank you
    Last edited by yasu; 01-23-2020 at 08:31 PM. Reason: Correction

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Rape is NEVER NEVER NEVER love. It is about power. Period. Have nothing to do with this person. Can you go to another country and see a doctor?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I agree with Seraphim. He does NOT love you. He's very controlling and rape is criminal.

    See a doctor asap! Cut it off with him. Don't believe anything he says because he's sick in the head!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    First of all I’m so so sorry this has happened to you.

    Second, you need to see a Dr. if there is anyway possible. If you do indeed have genital herpes untreated things can get worse.

    Are you still together now? Is there anywhere safe you can go?

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  6. #5
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    I’m so sorry this happened to you!

    Please be safe! I echo what the others said. Be sure to see a doctor stds aren’t something you mess with. Also tell the doctor what happened to you.

    What happened to you was not your fault.

    I was raped by my first serious boyfriend when I was 20. It took me many years before I could admit to myself it wasn’t my fault. I know the ‘dirty’ you speak of.

    Leave this man because he’s not a decent person. He’s scum!

    Please get out of the relationship and seek help with a Doctor.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You really need to get to a doctor NOW and find out for sure if you have herpes and what can be done about it. You cant have sex with anyone, even this guy who raped you, for the rest of your life if you dont get this resolved. If he gave you herpes, how did he get it??????????

    That guy is a real POS and rape is never about love, it's totally about control. You must leave him and when ready find a decent guy.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Now I really need your advice about a hypothetical part 2
    Did this actually happen to you or is it a hypoetical?

  9. #8
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    Yes we are, when it happened I broke up with him. But then, I just thought at first that I could be pregnant before I took the pill 2 days later, I had no idea about emergency contraception back then before searching and I wasn't sure it would be as effective as if I took it the first day. Then, when I realised for sure that I got herpes and that it's something I can't heal of and will stay with me my whole life I felt that my life was already ruined not to stay with him. I mean, I already was raped, lost my virginity in a horrible way, and got a disease for life. What worse can happen other than that? I always feel like he's the only person I can talk to about that, because he caused it and he's ill too. It's really weird to explain, it's like a scarlet letter. I just can't see why would anybody else will love me or stay with me and deal with all that. And I don't want ever to have ho explain this to someone someday.

    He had many sexual partners before, so he must have had herpes from one of them, when I repeatedly asked if he had any unprotected sex he said no, then he confessed that it happened indeed. but he blamed me for taking the pill and told me that either I was the one who had sex (and herpes) before, or that it was because of the pills. Which is impossible in both cases. I'm sure he's lying.

    I try to see him the least possible, when I do I it's in public spaces and safe environment, we talk everyday, I feel it's all a game I have to play until we get engaged and then it will be understandable socialy to have an std. I won't have to explain anything to anyone. Otherwise he's kind and caring to me when it comes to other things.
    I know it's hypocrite but I'm trying to be the most honest that I can in order to understand my own reactions.
    Last edited by yasu; 01-23-2020 at 10:56 PM.

  10. #9
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    You want to be engaged to him??? Why???

  11. #10
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Not only do you need a medical doctor you need a therapist so you can learn that you are actually a valuable human being and that you have been lied to and betrayed by this guy who raped you and gave you herpes. You are going to settle for this horrible human who's treated you so incredibly badly and you are willing to take it. I wish you could see how wrong this all is.

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