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yasu

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Hello.

I remember coming here and asking advice few months ago, about this story.

 

Now I really need your advice about a hypothetical part 2 of it, let's suppose I ended up contacting this guy. He was thinking about me too and asking about me from various people this whole time. We are so happy to find each other again and to be so in love. Everytime we see each other is pure joy and we think we're so compatible that we are seriously planning to get engaged as soon as we graduate and find a job this year.

Let's suppose that everything was so nice until this night when he forced himself on me, in every way possible. I was virgin due to religious reasons and was clear about wanting to wait even if I was very attracted to him. He decided that night that it would be silly to wait as we will anyway end up getting married. He was not even protected and I had no idea what to do after that, I was left crying and alone, dirty, ashamed, afraid, searching on the internet what are we supposed to do in such cases. It happened two other times, not rape but he made me touch him.

 

I live in a conservative country where sexuality is taboo AND illegal outside marriage, I couldn't talk about it to anyone, there isn't any free screening centers to my knowledge. I didn't and still don't want to know that I have some std anyway, even if days later I got what I'm 100% sure is genital herpes.

 

I'm still a student on my last year of school so even if I have one I'm not sure I can take charge this few months. I can't talk about it to my parents.

 

First I was thinking about virginity which is not only very important in our society, but also and mainly for my beliefs, than pregnancy (i took pills after that), then health. And somehow the only way I could survive this and keep my head up was pretending nothing ever happened. He apologized and told me he wanted to be the first one, it was his way to make me "his" forever, he took good care of me these few months and still , he's very supportive like nothing ever happened. I don't know, I somehow told myself that the easiest thing to do is to believe that we love and respect each other, that it was just a mistake. At the same time, I feel too dirty to leave. Because he's only one who knows what I went through. I feel trapped, I can't imagine meeting someone else someday and just telling him «btw I have herpes and maybe other things and we can't ever have sex without you having it too», these things can't be told in a society like the one I live in. Not to be dramatic but a part of my life is really ruined.

So I try just to love him so hard, and I do, but a part of me hates him so much and will never forgive him. I hate myself for staying in this relationship.

Do you have any advice for me please? I know it's hard to understand outside the cultural context but someone may understand what I'm going through. I feel so alone with all this.

 

Thank you

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I’m so sorry this happened to you!

 

Please be safe! I echo what the others said. Be sure to see a doctor stds aren’t something you mess with. Also tell the doctor what happened to you.

 

What happened to you was not your fault.

 

I was raped by my first serious boyfriend when I was 20. It took me many years before I could admit to myself it wasn’t my fault. I know the ‘dirty’ you speak of.

 

Leave this man because he’s not a decent person. He’s scum!

 

Please get out of the relationship and seek help with a Doctor.

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You really need to get to a doctor NOW and find out for sure if you have herpes and what can be done about it. You cant have sex with anyone, even this guy who raped you, for the rest of your life if you dont get this resolved. If he gave you herpes, how did he get it??????????

 

That guy is a real POS and rape is never about love, it's totally about control. You must leave him and when ready find a decent guy.

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Yes we are, when it happened I broke up with him. But then, I just thought at first that I could be pregnant before I took the pill 2 days later, I had no idea about emergency contraception back then before searching and I wasn't sure it would be as effective as if I took it the first day. Then, when I realised for sure that I got herpes and that it's something I can't heal of and will stay with me my whole life I felt that my life was already ruined not to stay with him. I mean, I already was raped, lost my virginity in a horrible way, and got a disease for life. What worse can happen other than that? I always feel like he's the only person I can talk to about that, because he caused it and he's ill too. It's really weird to explain, it's like a scarlet letter. I just can't see why would anybody else will love me or stay with me and deal with all that. And I don't want ever to have ho explain this to someone someday.

 

He had many sexual partners before, so he must have had herpes from one of them, when I repeatedly asked if he had any unprotected sex he said no, then he confessed that it happened indeed. but he blamed me for taking the pill and told me that either I was the one who had sex (and herpes) before, or that it was because of the pills. Which is impossible in both cases. I'm sure he's lying.

 

I try to see him the least possible, when I do I it's in public spaces and safe environment, we talk everyday, I feel it's all a game I have to play until we get engaged and then it will be understandable socialy to have an std. I won't have to explain anything to anyone. Otherwise he's kind and caring to me when it comes to other things.

I know it's hypocrite but I'm trying to be the most honest that I can in order to understand my own reactions.

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Not only do you need a medical doctor you need a therapist so you can learn that you are actually a valuable human being and that you have been lied to and betrayed by this guy who raped you and gave you herpes. You are going to settle for this horrible human who's treated you so incredibly badly and you are willing to take it. I wish you could see how wrong this all is.

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Yes we are, when it happened I broke up with him. But then, I just thought at first that I could be pregnant before I took the pill 2 days later, I had no idea about emergency contraception back then before searching and I wasn't sure it would be as effective as if I took it the first day. Then, when I realised for sure that I got herpes and that it's something I can't heal of and will stay with me my whole life I felt that my life was already ruined not to stay with him. I mean, I already was raped, lost my virginity in a horrible way, and got a disease for life. What worse can happen other than that? I always feel like he's the only person I can talk to about that, because he caused it and he's ill too. It's really weird to explain, it's like a scarlet letter. I just can't see why would anybody else will love me or stay with me and deal with all that. And I don't want ever to have ho explain this to someone someday.

 

He had many sexual partners before, so he must have had herpes from one of them, when I repeatedly asked if he had any unprotected sex he said no, then he confessed that it happened indeed. but he blamed me for taking the pill and told me that either I was the one who had sex (and herpes) before, or that it was because of the pills. Which is impossible in both cases. I'm sure he's lying.

 

I try to see him the least possible, when I do I it's in public spaces and safe environment, we talk everyday, I feel it's all a game I have to play until we get engaged and then it will be understandable socialy to have an std. I won't have to explain anything to anyone. Otherwise he's kind and caring to me when it comes to other things.

I know it's hypocrite but I'm trying to be the most honest that I can in order to understand my own reactions.

 

Why are you communicating with him? He raped and gave you an STD!

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Well thank you for yours answers. I'm not considering this situation normal whatsoever, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this bad to have to share it here. I tried to explain since the very first post why I'm staying with him and the social pressure and dimension of all that. Being with him makes me more sick than the rape itself. But it trully needs a lot of courage to choose to live that all alone in a conservative society where all this is so wrong and taboo. Btw even the law imposes that the girl marry the rapist if pregnant and he won't go to jail or anything.

Being engaged is just something that makes the situation "legal" and "socialy acceptable" then you will have the choice to leave. And this will allow you to have a normal life where you can have std or not being virgin without being called a s***. I frankly had no idea about how this thing called "society" "others" and "law" affect this much my desicions and my life. I don't think it's right that women in any country have to go through that.

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What do they do to women who have sex before marriage? Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Where doesn't someone obtain Plan B pills in your country? Are there regular doctors you could go to or will they have to report your evidence of having sex/herpes to your parents? Will your parents shun or engage in honor killing if they find out you had premarital sex?

I live in a conservative country where sexuality is taboo AND illegal outside marriage I can't talk about it to my parents.I can't imagine meeting someone else someday and just telling him I have herpes these things can't be told in a society like the one I live in.

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No, things are not that crazy. No honor killing. But premarital sex is punished by prison, and rape is rarely proven. Like if you are alone with someone and he rapes you authorities consider it's consensual sex and your fault. They don't even consider it's a big deal if you are raped while not virgin btw.

 

Also after marriage, a patner can make you do a virginity test, or if you have a transmittable disease, he can get divorce anytime in both cases (the court makes experts examine you),

for "crippling vice". I have no idea if it's the correct word in english but basically this is it. That is why staying with someone who done that to you seems way more easier than the rest.

I have no idea what my parents may do other that hating me to be honest. They will feel betrayed and blame me for sure for staying home alone with him. I don't want to deceive them.

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Then don't accuse him of rape. Just marry this guy so that you don't go to prison. Westerners do not follow Sharia or Islamic Law so there is no other advice to save your life.

No honor killing. But premarital sex is punished by prison, and rape is rarely proven. Like if you are alone with someone and he rapes you authorities consider it's consensual sex and your fault.
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Yes I'm sorry I guess it was silly to post in the first place, I just needed to express what was going on in my mind I think and have rational thoughts about this situation. I will do my best to get completely independent this year and be on my own, I think it will be very helpful in order to make decisions in my best interest without worrying about what everybody has to say. I even tell myself that this wouldn't be that dramatic if I was living somewhere else, I mean I survived the rape and other tough stuff in my life , and herpes is not something very dangerous, people can live with it without even knowing it, it's just socialy not acceptable.. it could have been so much worse, and someday perhaps I can trust people again and be normal. It's just that whole pressure, loneliness, self-hate everytime I have to talk to him and pretend it's okay, shame, and guilt, feeling helpless and ttrapped, that makes me lose my mind and depressed. I wish things were easier.

 

Thank you all.

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It sounds like you are terrified of your parents reaction or the laws in your country and seem to want to rehearse a story to attempt to avoid prison. However Sharia law and the issues of your country do not align with western law and explanations. What you could do is go to Europe, North America or Asia for an education and try to escape your country. Herpes is worldwide and many people have to live with it.

herpes is not something very dangerous, people can live with it without even knowing it, it's just socialy not acceptable.
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