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Thread: Long distance. Lost and confused. Any feedback will be appreciated. Thank you!

  1. #1

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    Long distance. Lost and confused. Any feedback will be appreciated. Thank you!

    This is going to be long but I appreciate any responses and suggestions whether nice or harsh.

    I met a girl from out of state while vising a friend. We hit it off really well and it looked like she was into me and I was very into her.

    After I left we spoke and texted each other daily. Things seemed perfect until she disappeared without an explanation. A few month later she said that she is going to visit my area (her family lives there) and she would really like to see me. When I saw her she apologized for what she did. She was in a terrible relationship before and she was scared of going through what she's been to. In the next few days a purchased a plane ticket to go see her for Christmas.

    I came to visit her for Christmas. We had a great time. She knows a lot of people in that small town and literally half the town knew who I was. She told everyone about me. The night before I was about to leave we got into a giant argument which did not make any sense to me at the time. By the end of the argument I learned that she was angry because she didn't know how to deal with the fact that I was leaving. In the end I felt that the argument was totally worth it and it made me realize how much she actually loves me.

    Since I left we have been texting and talking on the daily basis until just recently.

    Now here is where depression comes into play... I'm depressed, lost, scared and insecure. I was in a relationship before that lasted for about 8 years. It involved drugs, cheating, threats of suicide and suicide attempts, physical violence (on her side), me questioning my every move and apologizing for things I should not have to.

    I feel like that relationship is affecting my new relationship with that new girl. I'm scared to say something because I feel that everything I say is pointless and stupid. She is a very strong woman and I feel like a broken mess. I'm terrified. I do have a ticket to go see her again very soon but I just can't stop thinking. I'm depressed and insecure and most likely for no reason what so ever.

    Our communication has cut down drastically and I feel that it's my fault. I don't know what to say without overthinking and my mind goes blank when I speak to her.

    I think all these insecurities and terrible thoughts are the reason for the lack of communication. I'm a mess. I can't stop thinking. I want to have an amazing conversation with her and I would like to spend an hour taking to her but I have nothing say. Well.. I have a lot to say but not when it matters. I don't know what to do. I want her to understand that I'm going through stuff and I will do my best to get past all that but what if it turns out to be a lie and I'll be just as miserable as ever. Maybe there is no hope for me. I do text her more often than she replies and it drives me crazy. That being said I'm not texting her non stop. Just here and there. Also, when she does reply she says she misses me and asks about my day but I can't stop feeling like I'm being overbearing.

    Let me know if clarification needed if you've gotten this far haha. Thanks. I'm depressed, lonely, bitter, scared, lonely and angry and sometimes I wonder if the next life will have something better to offer.

    There is so much more... Feel free to dm me and I'll spill my guts out to you if you're interested and/or experienced something similar or ask here if you'd like.

    Any comment will do. I'm not expecting a major breakthrough that'll change my life forever. Just thoughts or if anyone else experienced anything even remotely similar to this. If so, if like to hear about it.

    There may be a typo here somewhere or something that isn't clear. Let me know where and I'll explain.

    Thanks everyone. Hope you're all doing well.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to get out and start doing things locally. get involved in clubs groups sports your career, take some classes and courses and volunteer. Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local woman. Do not play doctor or therapist to someone who needs professional help. You are playing with fire and harming her by playing unpaid psychiatrist. She needs a lot of intensive help locally from friends, family, support groups and doctors, not relationships or long distance chats to keep you busy.

  3. #3
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    Hi,

    It sounds to me you two got caught up in a nice moment that burnt out unfortunately. I usually take whenever we feel insecure or depressed around someone with long drawn out silences, they are not a good match. You need someone you can feel secure and your Authentic self around.

    I suggest taking time to deal with your depression and focus on your wants and needs. Then it will become more clear what you really want out of a relationship.

    I also suggest finding someone local as things can get muddled by easily being lost in translation long distance through text, Skype, phone calls even!

    For now take care of your needs.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You need to get out and start doing things locally. get involved in clubs groups sports your career, take some classes and courses and volunteer. Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local woman. Do not play doctor or therapist to someone who needs professional help. You are playing with fire and harming her by playing unpaid psychiatrist. She needs a lot of intensive help locally from friends, family, support groups and doctors, not relationships or long distance chats to keep you busy.
    Why do you think the girl needs "intensive help"? The OP is the one with depression and anxiety issues, not the girl he met.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I donít think you're in any shape to be trying to be in a relationship, particularly a long distance relationship.

    What treatment are you currently receiving for your issues?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sounds like you are both connecting over personal damage due to previous bad relationships. Unfortunately, two broken halves do not make a whole. Her dropping communication on and off is not how healthy people behave. Deliberately picking a huge fight because she can't handle her emotions screams of issues on her end. Problem is that instead of reading it for a huge problem and a red flag the size of China, you read as "oh gosh I'm sooo happy to learn she loves me so much."

    I'm sorry, OP, but meeting only a handful of times and some random on/off chatting in between is not what love looks like. Fighting is NOT love.

    You were in an unhealthy relationship and once again, you are drawn to someone who displays serious issues and red flags. On top of that, it doesn't sound like you've really taken the time and effort needed to heal from the damage your abusive relationship caused you. It's not just about time passing, it's that you need to take person action to address what attracts you to broken/messed up women, why you put up with abuse, AND most critically, doing the hard work necessary to improve your life, your self worth, confidence to the level where you don't feel depressed, insecure, questioning every word and so on. If it's this bad, consider some counseling. Feeling depressed after abuse, feeling disoriented and unclear what's right and wrong is normal. However, you have to start working on getting yourself sorted out and getting a firm grasp on reality.

    This means that maybe you need some counseling to help you deal with the trauma and also to have someone as a sounding board, a temporary reality check person who can tell you what's what and help you transition to feeling more assured that what you are doing, what you are saying is good. The other factor is getting out there socially, surrounding yourself with normal, healthy people and actually learning all over what that feels like. Last thing you should be doing right now is trying to date. When you feel down, you'll attract the wrong kind of a person. Work hard on clearing your head and getting your footing and a firm grip on what's right. For as long as you are sweating every word, over thinking everything, you haven't dealt with the damage of your past. It has to be dealt with and it takes work.

    In a healthy relationship with the right person you won't feel this fear. There will be no on/off communication, no picking fights over their own personal issues, etc. You'll feel happy, safe, secure. However, you need to feel happy, safe, secure on your own first and that's a journey you need to focus on now. Let this girl go on her own journey of healing. Don't confuse chemistry with love or healthy relationships. You can feel attracted to a lot of people, but it doesn't mean they are good for you. So there is that difference. When you are ready, you need to focus on finding a person you aren't just attracted to, but someone who is good to you and for you. No drama, no on/off, no weirdness, no picking fights over nothing.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well, I did not read all that, but most long distance relationships don't work out.......that's all you need to know.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok I misread that she was the one with these issues. In this case you need to see a doctor and get professional care.
    Originally Posted by veee
    I'm depressed, lost, scared and insecure. I was in a relationship before that lasted for about 8 years. It involved drugs, cheating, threats of suicide and suicide attempts, physical violence (on her side), me questioning my every move and apologizing for things I should not have to.

    ... Feel free to dm me and I'll spill my guts out to you if you're interested and/or experienced something similar or ask here if you'd like.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You didn't say how long you've known this new woman and how long you've been out of your toxic relationship.

    It's pretty text book that when you find yourself entering a new relationship and old wounds start to surface and reenact themselves. It's a wake up call that there is a lot of unfinished business from your previous relationship that you haven't dealt with.

    It's not fair to her or yourself at this time. Especially in light of the fact that you seem caught off guard and unaware of what's going on within yourself.

    People often deal with disappointment and pain through distraction, drinking and avoidance. This is perfect example why someone should deal with the pain straight on rather than running from it.

    You deal with it or it deals with you. And as you are experiencing, it's dealing with you at an inopportune time.

    Get a handle on this on your terms. Better now than never.

  11. #10
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    Can you clarify what you mean when you say communication has drastically fallen off? How often were you communicating before, and how often now?

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