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Thread: Finally found a guy I'm interested in...

  1. #1
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    Finally found a guy I'm interested in...

    After a horrible break up three weeks before my wedding, it has now been over a year and I'm starting to put myself out there. Found a guy, started talking, we have a lot in common and have both confessed to liking each other.

    He tells me he isn't a virgin, and although that hurts as I am a virgin, I felt I liked him enough to keep things going.

    Then he says yesterday that he's had THIRTY partners, and that he feels no Godly woman (we are religious) will want him because of that.


    My heart and soul has been stunned. I even teared up a bit. Even now I still feel a part of me likes him but I'm hurt that he's been inside of thirty other girls. I can't change the past, and it's wrong of me to judge him, but Lord it's just hard to deal with, and I'm not sure what I want to do as of now. :(

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for this.

    Personally, I would try to view this as something that often happens in dating: we get to know someone, and often along the way we learn things that get in the way of compatibility. Could be that they're in debt, or have bad manners at dinner parties. Could also be that they have a sexual history that makes us uncomfortable.

    It's not wrong to "judge" someone as not being right for you. Better, in fact, to be honest about that than trying to overlook something you can't genuinely overlook. No one wins when you walk down that path.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Whether you want to ignore it or not, it does say something about who he is. He's willing to get into bed with women he barely knows and have sex with them.
    30, in fact.

    Yes, some people on here will say the past is the past. But the past can play a huge part to the present. He and you are not compatible and do not hold the same values.

    That's not going to change. Don't lower your standards out of loneliness.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Personally, I would appreciate his honesty (the easiest thing to do is lie about how many people you've slept with) but if for you it's a dealbreaker, it is what it is. You're already judging him for things that happened before he'd even met you.

    I think that you should look for a virgin since that's so important to you...but keep in mind that even if someone tells you he is a virgin, he could very easily be lying.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Bluecastle said it more eloquently, but the bottom line is true, you and he are not cut from the same cloth and it's best to admit that now rather than to try to force things and pretend the differences don't exist.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Whether you want to ignore it or not, it does say something about who he is. He's willing to get into bed with women he barely knows and have sex with them.
    30, in fact.

    Yes, some people on here will say the past is the past. But the past can play a huge part to the present. He and you are not compatible and do not hold the same values.

    That's not going to change. Don't lower your standards out of loneliness.
    He's been celibate for over two years now, and wants to wait for marriage. He was raped of his virginity, and didn't deal with it well and went on hookups. He regrets it mainly, and feels he will have to beg his future wife for forgiveness, that's how much he regrets what he's done.

    There are many people out there who have married nonvirgins, and have had happy lives together. But me growing up wanting a pure partner as myself has been a big part of my life, but at the same time, I really like him as well, so I'm torn on what to do.

  8. #7
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    How old are you? Where do you live?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    My heart and soul has been stunned. When you've reacted this strongly, it's probably something you wouldn't be able to easily sweep away. You've just begun dating after a year's break. You normally have to date a boatload of people to find someone who matches you in ALL of the main ways. People who feel desperate start to lower their standards. How about being patient for everything to match up? He's not the only man on the planet who you will find attractive and shares things you have in common. Why lower your standards for basically a mere stranger? Your hormones and/or impatience at finding a lifetime companion are getting the best of you. It's best if your brain and your heart match on important matters. They don't, in this case.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I can only speak for myself, but I have "really liked" plenty of women who were not right for me. Went on a few dates, maybe even dated for a few weeks, but time proved there were some gaps in lifestyle and values that couldn't be bridged. I'm happy I didn't put too much weight on the "really liked" part, for both our sakes.

    How long have you known him? A few days, a few weeks? Not long, is my point, and already your romantic foundation is built upon guilt and shame and atonement (for him) and forgoing a major value (for you). You've had one big relationship not work out. Does this seem like the kind of foundation that could work for you?

    I would focus on that question, and answering it honestly.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Your story sounds so similar to one I have heard in the past. The outcome? The man was lying and enjoyed all of these trysts. He said what he had to in order to get the women to be with him, but in the end it all caught up with him.
    He was a liar and loved to play around with women.

    I'm not saying this will happen. BUT if you see a red flag early on, you can ignore it and possibly face the consequences down the road or you can admit that this is a huge deal to you and it's not going to ever be okay.

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