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Thread: Is there any way this is fixable?

  1. #1

    Is there any way this is fixable?

    Here's a summary of what happened. What needs to be done to fix this relationship? Is it even possible?

    A few days ago, while being brushed off / ignored my my boyfriend (of 5, almost 6 years) and told he didn't want to go do things with me on one of his days off, I went upstairs and looked at his smart watch so that I could check his recent text messages. I and saw that he had told his coworker (who is married) that she is hot and that he was disappointed she had a ring (married). While he had included his other friend in it, and apparently it was part of a conversation (working retail), I got immediately upset. Here is the conversation from their texts:

    Him: Me and Jim were talking at work yesterday while you were helping three other girls and I asked him who at your table would he rate highest looks-wise and he immediately said you! And I agreed!
    Her: Oh wow, you are so both so sweet. I didn't know you thought of me that way.
    Him: Dude, you are hot!!!! We were both disappointed you had a ring.
    Her: Aw. <smiley emoji> I bet people like your accent! I bet you get a lot of flirting!
    Him: Yeah, definitely a lot of girls like it, but I don't usually realize people are flirting. Sometimes I get flirty, but it's mostly when I drink, hahaha.
    Him: (later talks about music)

    I immediately asked him about it and he blew up at me. Left the house, said he was done. Within 20 minutes he had removed me from phone tracking and removed our FB relationship status and unfriended me. He went to work 3 hrs early.

    Since it's my house, I said I would box his stuff and leave it in the garage. He could open the garage with his car programmed opener. I told him to take the house key off his ring.

    I called his sister, talked to her, went to my mom's house, talked to her, called my best friend and talked to her.
    Everyone agreed that he was in the wrong. My mom and my best friend really do not like him at all now.

    He came back later after work to get some clothes and left. He would not look at me or answer any questions. The next morning, I found that he was actually in the driveway, sleeping in his car and had not actually gone anywhere. He said:
    - He understands why I got hurt from the texts, but said he did not mean it in a bad way and meant to only compliment her.
    - He said he blew up because I was wound up and asking him / accusing him (I was...but I feel like he should've just explained / apologized, not left--it looked like he got caught).
    - He said he doesn't have any interaction with her outside work and doesn't have feelings for her. He said she's just a nice person and he wanted to compliment her and tell her what his friend Jim said.
    - He did not apologize, but said he understood why I got upset. He said I don't have anything to worry about.
    - He admitted that he has nowhere to go and felt I was kicking him out.
    - He said he was upset that I suspected him of cheating and he had never cheated on me. He said he felt unfairly accused and just wanted to leave / get away from me.

    I acknowledge that I show a lack of trust. In case you're wondering, I went through his things because of how distant he has been (worse than usual) and because many times in the past, Iíve found things. Just nothing that was a total deal breaker--things I've been able to get over eventually (online flirting, etc.).

    Here are my questions:
    1. Is this situation/relationship fixable? If so, what is required to fix it?
    2. Am I in the wrong? (I don't think I am, but if I am, I want to know.)


    More details; I have financially supported him for years. I pushed him to file for his citizenship (he did not get it through me, but he needed pushing to file for it) / quit smoking / and he got an AS degree because I pushed him to. Iím also at least part of why he has a job (pushed him to apply, helped him apply, applied to some for him). I donít nag him; I'm careful not to. There has been an ongoing trend of him not wanting to do things with me or go anywhere with me, but he says it's from being tired from work. Heís told me that he is not attracted to me and thinks me losing weight will fix the problem maybe. I've been trying hard at this and have about 10 more lbs to go according to him. (In general I am unhappy with my weight, so it's not all him.)

    More details: in the argument, I texted his coworker and told her Iíd seen the messages. I acted in the moment. She either didn't look at them or doesn't have her "read" receipts turned on. I don't think she's said anything to him because I haven't heard anything from him about it. I wasn't rude to her. Maybe this doesnít even matter, I donít know. I wasnít thinking it though.

    Please don't be mean in your comments. Thanks in advance.
    Last edited by throaway2791; 01-22-2020 at 12:31 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I felt I needed to have a tracker on his phone or read his messages.

  3. #3
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    Telling her "Dude, you are hot!!!!" is, under the circumstances, inappropriate. They are co-workers to begin with. Anyhow, stuff one can deal with.

    However, when you are in a relationship, even remotely suggesting that "We were both disappointed you had a ring." is definitely not okay.

  4. #4
    Originally Posted by greendots
    Telling her "Dude, you are hot!!!!" is, under the circumstances, inappropriate. They are co-workers to begin with. Anyhow, stuff one can deal with.

    However, when you are in a relationship, even remotely suggesting that "We were both disappointed you had a ring." is definitely not okay.
    This is how I feel. He seems to think it doesn't imply that he wants to get with her. His direct quote to me was "It was part of the compliment. I think of my coworkers as neither male or female, they're just my friends and I talk to them all this way. I don't feel anything for her that way."

    Is it possible that he really is oblivious or do you think he got caught and is trying to get out of it? Is it something I could, with a lot of work probably, get past? Am I justified in breaking up the relationship after this long over this?
    I've met her and her husband briefly once and I was aware they texted as friends. I haven't had any other suspicions of anything going on between them.

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  6. #5
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    Very disrespectful to you. The worst part is his reaction, as it was over-the-top. If he wasn't doing something wrong he would not have reacted this way. I would suspect that this is not the first incident with her, and others.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    This a-hole is behaving badly behind your back. Talking to other women that way(a married woman, nevermind).
    He had to be pushed to do his proper paperwork (was he there illegally?) You supported him financially and for that, he calls you fat and that he's not attracted to you.

    Girl, this isn't about him. YOU need to be asking yourself why you are allowing a little creep like this into your life. How bad is your self esteem and standards that you will settle for this kind of treatment?

    What you should be focusing on, is getting rid of this lying, deadbeat, get yourself some counselling in order to get your self worth back and allow yourself better than this.
    He is a jerk, and has given you too many reasons to not bother with him at all.

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Very disrespectful to you. The worst part is his reaction, as it was over-the-top. If he wasn't doing something wrong he would not have reacted this way. I would suspect that this is not the first incident with her, and others.
    Agreed. I've just seen that he's also deleted all the messages with her today. They were there yesterday (I took pictures of them so I have a copy).

  9. #8
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    This is not about what intentions he may or may not have with her.

    Itís about his lack of intention with you.
    To text another woman telling her she is hot , is disrespectful to you and disrespectful to her and her marriage .
    She doesnít care about his respect to her. Heís just a workmate to her. However she disrespted her own marriage by even responding to him.
    She also disrespected his relationship with you for the same reason.

    Perhaps she knows he is the office flirt and just laughs it off.

    Can this relationship be fixed?? Well not to the standard you want it to be and not permanently.
    He , after 5 years, doesnít think he did anything wrong and you wonít convince him he has.
    Itís not the first time he has openly flirted with others , online , whatever.
    The bottom line is that if he truly respected you , he wouldnít do it.
    He likely is simply not a respectful person.

    He might stay faithful physically but thatís not enough for you.
    He steps outside your boundaries.
    Your boundaries are fine.
    Others will have wider boundaries and not mind his occasional flirting.

    It now is up to you , if you can accept him exactly as he is. And turn a blind eye and stop snooping. If you canít , then walk away now.

    Good luck!!

  10. #9
    Originally Posted by Billie28
    This is not about what intentions he may or may not have with her.

    Itís about his lack of intention with you.
    To text another woman telling her she is hot , is disrespectful to you and disrespectful to her and her marriage .
    She doesnít care about his respect to her. Heís just a workmate to her. However she disrespted her own marriage by even responding to him.
    She also disrespected his relationship with you for the same reason.

    Perhaps she knows he is the office flirt and just laughs it off.

    Can this relationship be fixed?? Well not to the standard you want it to be and not permanently.
    He , after 5 years, doesnít think he did anything wrong and you wonít convince him he has.
    Itís not the first time he has openly flirted with others , online , whatever.
    The bottom line is that if he truly respected you , he wouldnít do it.
    He likely is simply not a respectful person.

    He might stay faithful physically but thatís not enough for you.
    He steps outside your boundaries.
    Your boundaries are fine.
    Others will have wider boundaries and not mind his occasional flirting.

    It now is up to you , if you can accept him exactly as he is. And turn a blind eye and stop snooping. If you canít , then walk away now.

    Good luck!!
    Direct and observant. Very helpful, even if it stings just a little.
    You did a good job here assessing things.

    Thank you all very much for your care.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Be glad he is finally out of your life. Do not buy, fix, change, monitor, smother or mother men this way. You'll end up with more lazy abusive losers like this guy.

    This is all about you and being controlling. Stop. Get to a doctor MD for an evaluation regarding physical and emotional health as well as a therapist for ongoing support. Whatever led you down this road to this type of guy can be turned around when you decide to put your physical and emotional health first.
    Originally Posted by throaway2791
    I have financially supported him for years.
    I pushed him to file for his citizenship / quit smoking
    he got an AS degree because I pushed him to.
    Iím also at least part of why he has a job
    Heís told me that he is not attracted to me and thinks me losing weight will fix the problem maybe.
    I texted his coworker and told her Iíd seen the messages.

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