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Thread: Is there any way this is fixable?

  1. #11
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    He sounds AWFUL! Can I be really honest...I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it sounds like he never really loved you and he was just using you. He was spongeing off you financially. He doesn't treat you well! Saying he's not attracted to you and you need to lose weight is mean. Are you actually overweight? If you've already lost weight and he keeps telling you to lose even more, that sounds pretty shallow.

    I think your behaviour wasn't the best because you actually messaged his colleague and got her involved. That's not a good move! She didn't actually do anything wrong. It's not her fault your boyfriend was telling her she's hot. However his response to it was being a total jerk! I think he probably does want to break up with you for real because nobody would change their relationship status to single on Facebook after five years just because you had a fight! I think he's using every opportunity to break up with you. Your weight, this argument. I think you're better off to break up with him because he doesn't respect you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by throaway2791
    More details; I have financially supported him for years. I pushed him to file for his citizenship (he did not get it through me, but he needed pushing to file for it) / quit smoking / and he got an AS degree because I pushed him to. Iím also at least part of why he has a job (pushed him to apply, helped him apply, applied to some for him). I donít nag him; I'm careful not to. There has been an ongoing trend of him not wanting to do things with me or go anywhere with me, but he says it's from being tired from work. Heís told me that he is not attracted to me and thinks me losing weight will fix the problem maybe. I've been trying hard at this and have about 10 more lbs to go according to him. (In general I am unhappy with my weight, so it's not all him.)
    ^This above is not what a relationship between two adults, let alone romantic partners looks like. The dynamic between you and this guy is that of a mother trying to raise a teenager. Unfortunately, nothing kills romance and sexual attraction faster in a relationship than a parent/child dynamic.

    Just to be clear - you are NOT wrong to expect a grown man to act like an adult, take care of his business, have a job, etc. Where you are wrong is in taking on a human project and trying to turn a guy who is not what you want him to be into what you want him to be. Never ever ever date a project. People are not fixer upper projects. The moment you get involved with that, you will end up where you are - in a toxic, unsatisfying dynamic. You won't get gratitude for fixing him up, you will get resentment and even hate for it. That's human nature and you better understand that so you never get involved like that again.

    As for this relationship, no I don't think it can be salvaged. It's been too toxic for too long, too much water under that bridge, too many resentments. On top of that, his reaction is telling that he is very much checked out and done. If you two patch up, it will be a mistake on your part and a temporary arrangement on his part only because he needs a roof over his head for now. He will continue to resent and hate you for that though and get more mean, more nasty, more abusive toward you about it.

    Regarding trackers on his phone, reading his texts and emails - yes you are completely in the wrong. Tracking your partner like they are some criminal and you are their parole officer is controlling behavior and that's putting it politely. If you have trust issues, either you need to address that with a therapist OR date men who align with your values and relationship boundaries, aka people you can actually trust.

    This particular blow up....you were wrong to get into his texts and what you read was nothing more than completely meaningless, incredibly juvenile locker room chat among coworkers. You basically eavesdropped into a conversation that was none of your business and blew up. I'm guessing it's not the first time you've pulled a stunt like this and no question he is fed with the policing and controlling behavior from you. Still you are NOT wrong in wanting to be with a man who won't carry on like that. That's really the big issue here. You are trying to force a manchild to be something else. It doesn't work like that.

    What drove you to snoop was that you felt his behavior is changing, aka fear that he is either cheating or leaving. Instead of snooping, you should have talked with him about the relationship and what's going on between you. Not in the "I can't believe you don't want to spend every free minute with me" way, but rather taking the temperature of the relationship at large. If he is not willing to talk and the relationship is circling the drain, better to face that and end things amicably rather than create drama. At the end of the day, you can't force anyone to be with you if they don't want to and the sooner you let go, the faster you can find someone who actually wants to be with you and only you.

    Bottom line with fixer upper relationships is that you never know if the person is or was ever with you because they like you or simply because you they need the room and board from you. If you are already an insecure, jealous person that question mark will eat you alive. It's always hovering in your subconscious. In short, this relationship was doomed from the get go. It's not worth salvaging. On top of that, it sounds to me that you have some serious work to do on yourself and how you are in a relationship, what dynamic you create long before you attempt another relationship with anyone else.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    There is nothing really to discuss.....he was emotionally cheating, so he was already stepping out of your relationship....kicking him to the curb was the right thing to do. I hope you enjoy your new found freedom with the extra money in your wallet. Go spoil yourself :) Go have a spa weekend to wash that man right out of your hair!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    What I don't understand is why you want to fix a relationship with a guy that you have had to mother through life, who has told you he is not attracted to you, who doesn't know when he is being over-the-top in his so called compliments, who your parents don't even like and who you clearly do not trust since you check his smart watch and you have a cell phone tracker on him.

    If I ever, in my life find myself that mistrusting and wanting a relationship with a man-boy like him... just kill me now.

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  6. #15
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    No, this isn't fixable.

    He isn't with you for the right reasons; not anymore, anyway. He's actively looking for side action or he would never have sent a message like to begin with. Don't allow him to insult your intelligence by claiming he doesn't think of his coworkers as male or female - please.

    He is only coming up with excuses now because he doesn't want you to stop funding him and lose the roof over his head. It's not because he loves you.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I think of my coworkers as neither male or female, they're just my friends
    O.o Have you come across any of his emails where he tells a guy "Dude, you are hot?" pfffft.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    It was wrong to snoop on his phone. However, his flirtatious behavior and letting you know he's not attracted to you due to your weight means it's time to breakup. There is zero trust from both of you.

    Continue kicking him out. His sleeping in his car is not your problem and he should crash on someone else's couch. One of these days, you can call the police to remove him from your property.

    No, your relationship is beyond hope and not fixable.

    Ditch the loser.

  9. #18
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    I'll be honest here from my own perspective and you take it however you want. This is me and my relationship 2 years ago. Everything you wrote, and Im sure there is more, I've been through. Even the lenght of relationship is the same. He doesn't love you. I dont want to say he is using you, but you are his comfort zone and he is afraid to leave it. First time he meets one girl that will give him a grain of attention and is willing to take over your motherly duties, he is going to leave you. Not sure but I think they call it monkey branching.

    Its not the coworker you have to worry about. Its the fact he admitted that he flirts in general. He is already looking for other options... You will be his safe-zone, until he finds a new "victim".

    Collect your thoughts and calm down, sit him down and ask him peacefully what is it that he loves about you. Why is he in a relationship with you and where is the relationship going? If he gets angry or confused, attacks you in any way, you'll have your answer.

    I know it's hard to imagine leaving him and starting over, but trust me anything is better than staying in a disrespectful relationship as a temporary choice. No matter how hard it gets, at the end of the day you'll see why you are better off without him.

  10. #19
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    I meet plenty of HOT people, and I do not take the initiative to tell them so.

    Don't be his sugar mama anymore; he's a grown arse adult, and can figure it out. He has a sister, so he can move in with her. And yes, you should be kicking him out.

    The fact that he didn't think what he said was a big deal, imagine all the other texts to all the other women he hasn't been caught for?!!???

    He's a butt-munch, and I know from the bottom of my heart, you can do so much better, and must stop being people's doormats.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I have financially supported him for years. I pushed him to file for his citizenship (he did not get it through me, but he needed pushing to file for it) / quit smoking / and he got an AS degree because I pushed him to. Iím also at least part of why he has a job (pushed him to apply, helped him apply, applied to some for him). I donít nag him; I'm careful not to.
    You don't nag him but you control his every move, you take care of him financially and emotionally. You want him for his "potential", not for who he is now.

    This is what happens when you choose someone for their potential... when you choose to take on someone as a project... vs. someone that is actually on the same page as you in life.

    And of course he is going to back track on breaking up once he realizes that he has nowhere else to go and no one to take care of him.

    You can definitely do better OP.

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