Is there any way this is fixable?

Here's a summary of what happened. What needs to be done to fix this relationship? Is it even possible?

A few days ago, while being brushed off / ignored my my boyfriend (of 5, almost 6 years) and told he didn't want to go do things with me on one of his days off, I went upstairs and looked at his smart watch so that I could check his recent text messages. I and saw that he had told his coworker (who is married) that she is hot and that he was disappointed she had a ring (married). While he had included his other friend in it, and apparently it was part of a conversation (working retail), I got immediately upset. Here is the conversation from their texts:

Him: Me and Jim were talking at work yesterday while you were helping three other girls and I asked him who at your table would he rate highest looks-wise and he immediately said you! And I agreed!

Her: Oh wow, you are so both so sweet. I didn't know you thought of me that way.

Him: Dude, you are hot!!!! We were both disappointed you had a ring.

Her: Aw. I bet people like your accent! I bet you get a lot of flirting!

Him: Yeah, definitely a lot of girls like it, but I don't usually realize people are flirting. Sometimes I get flirty, but it's mostly when I drink, hahaha.

Him: (later talks about music)

I immediately asked him about it and he blew up at me. Left the house, said he was done. Within 20 minutes he had removed me from phone tracking and removed our FB relationship status and unfriended me. He went to work 3 hrs early.

Since it's my house, I said I would box his stuff and leave it in the garage. He could open the garage with his car programmed opener. I told him to take the house key off his ring.

I called his sister, talked to her, went to my mom's house, talked to her, called my best friend and talked to her.

Everyone agreed that he was in the wrong. My mom and my best friend really do not like him at all now.

He came back later after work to get some clothes and left. He would not look at me or answer any questions. The next morning, I found that he was actually in the driveway, sleeping in his car and had not actually gone anywhere. He said:

- He understands why I got hurt from the texts, but said he did not mean it in a bad way and meant to only compliment her.

- He said he blew up because I was wound up and asking him / accusing him (I was...but I feel like he should've just explained / apologized, not left--it looked like he got caught).

- He said he doesn't have any interaction with her outside work and doesn't have feelings for her. He said she's just a nice person and he wanted to compliment her and tell her what his friend Jim said.

- He did not apologize, but said he understood why I got upset. He said I don't have anything to worry about.

- He admitted that he has nowhere to go and felt I was kicking him out.

- He said he was upset that I suspected him of cheating and he had never cheated on me. He said he felt unfairly accused and just wanted to leave / get away from me.

I acknowledge that I show a lack of trust. In case you're wondering, I went through his things because of how distant he has been (worse than usual) and because many times in the past, I’ve found things. Just nothing that was a total deal breaker--things I've been able to get over eventually (online flirting, etc.).

Here are my questions:

1. Is this situation/relationship fixable? If so, what is required to fix it?

2. Am I in the wrong? (I don't think I am, but if I am, I want to know.)

More details; I have financially supported him for years. I pushed him to file for his citizenship (he did not get it through me, but he needed pushing to file for it) / quit smoking / and he got an AS degree because I pushed him to. I’m also at least part of why he has a job (pushed him to apply, helped him apply, applied to some for him). I don’t nag him; I'm careful not to. There has been an ongoing trend of him not wanting to do things with me or go anywhere with me, but he says it's from being tired from work. He’s told me that he is not attracted to me and thinks me losing weight will fix the problem maybe. I've been trying hard at this and have about 10 more lbs to go according to him. (In general I am unhappy with my weight, so it's not all him.)

More details: in the argument, I texted his coworker and told her I’d seen the messages. I acted in the moment. She either didn't look at them or doesn't have her "read" receipts turned on. I don't think she's said anything to him because I haven't heard anything from him about it. I wasn't rude to her. Maybe this doesn’t even matter, I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking it though.

Please don't be mean in your comments. Thanks in advance.

I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I felt I needed to have a tracker on his phone or read his messages.

Telling her "Dude, you are hot!!!!" is, under the circumstances, inappropriate. They are co-workers to begin with. Anyhow, stuff one can deal with.

However, when you are in a relationship, even remotely suggesting that "We were both disappointed you had a ring." is definitely not okay.

Telling her "Dude, you are hot!!!!" is, under the circumstances, inappropriate. They are co-workers to begin with. Anyhow, stuff one can deal with.

 

However, when you are in a relationship, even remotely suggesting that "We were both disappointed you had a ring." is definitely not okay.

This is how I feel. He seems to think it doesn't imply that he wants to get with her. His direct quote to me was "It was part of the compliment. I think of my coworkers as neither male or female, they're just my friends and I talk to them all this way. I don't feel anything for her that way."

Is it possible that he really is oblivious or do you think he got caught and is trying to get out of it? Is it something I could, with a lot of work probably, get past? Am I justified in breaking up the relationship after this long over this?

I've met her and her husband briefly once and I was aware they texted as friends. I haven't had any other suspicions of anything going on between them.

Very disrespectful to you. The worst part is his reaction, as it was over-the-top. If he wasn't doing something wrong he would not have reacted this way. I would suspect that this is not the first incident with her, and others.

This a-hole is behaving badly behind your back. Talking to other women that way(a married woman, nevermind).

He had to be pushed to do his proper paperwork (was he there illegally?) You supported him financially and for that, he calls you fat and that he's not attracted to you.

Girl, this isn't about him. YOU need to be asking yourself why you are allowing a little creep like this into your life. How bad is your self esteem and standards that you will settle for this kind of treatment?

What you should be focusing on, is getting rid of this lying, deadbeat, get yourself some counselling in order to get your self worth back and allow yourself better than this.

He is a jerk, and has given you too many reasons to not bother with him at all.

Very disrespectful to you. The worst part is his reaction, as it was over-the-top. If he wasn't doing something wrong he would not have reacted this way. I would suspect that this is not the first incident with her, and others.

Agreed. I've just seen that he's also deleted all the messages with her today. They were there yesterday (I took pictures of them so I have a copy).

This is not about what intentions he may or may not have with her.

It’s about his lack of intention with you.

To text another woman telling her she is hot , is disrespectful to you and disrespectful to her and her marriage .

She doesn’t care about his respect to her. He’s just a workmate to her. However she disrespted her own marriage by even responding to him.

She also disrespected his relationship with you for the same reason.

Perhaps she knows he is the office flirt and just laughs it off.

Can this relationship be fixed?? Well not to the standard you want it to be and not permanently.

He , after 5 years, doesn’t think he did anything wrong and you won’t convince him he has.

It’s not the first time he has openly flirted with others , online , whatever.

The bottom line is that if he truly respected you , he wouldn’t do it.

He likely is simply not a respectful person.

He might stay faithful physically but that’s not enough for you.

He steps outside your boundaries.

Your boundaries are fine.

Others will have wider boundaries and not mind his occasional flirting.

It now is up to you , if you can accept him exactly as he is. And turn a blind eye and stop snooping. If you can’t , then walk away now.

Good luck!!

This is not about what intentions he may or may not have with her.

 

It’s about his lack of intention with you.

To text another woman telling her she is hot , is disrespectful to you and disrespectful to her and her marriage .

She doesn’t care about his respect to her. He’s just a workmate to her. However she disrespted her own marriage by even responding to him.

She also disrespected his relationship with you for the same reason.

 

Perhaps she knows he is the office flirt and just laughs it off.

 

Can this relationship be fixed?? Well not to the standard you want it to be and not permanently.

He , after 5 years, doesn’t think he did anything wrong and you won’t convince him he has.

It’s not the first time he has openly flirted with others , online , whatever.

The bottom line is that if he truly respected you , he wouldn’t do it.

He likely is simply not a respectful person.

 

He might stay faithful physically but that’s not enough for you.

He steps outside your boundaries.

Your boundaries are fine.

Others will have wider boundaries and not mind his occasional flirting.

 

It now is up to you , if you can accept him exactly as he is. And turn a blind eye and stop snooping. If you can’t , then walk away now.

 

Good luck!!

Direct and observant. Very helpful, even if it stings just a little.

You did a good job here assessing things.

Thank you all very much for your care.

Sorry to hear this. Be glad he is finally out of your life. Do not buy, fix, change, monitor, smother or mother men this way. You'll end up with more lazy abusive losers like this guy.

This is all about you and being controlling. Stop. Get to a doctor MD for an evaluation regarding physical and emotional health as well as a therapist for ongoing support. Whatever led you down this road to this type of guy can be turned around when you decide to put your physical and emotional health first.

I have financially supported him for years.

I pushed him to file for his citizenship / quit smoking

he got an AS degree because I pushed him to.

I’m also at least part of why he has a job

He’s told me that he is not attracted to me and thinks me losing weight will fix the problem maybe.

I texted his coworker and told her I’d seen the messages.

He sounds AWFUL! Can I be really honest...I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it sounds like he never really loved you and he was just using you. He was spongeing off you financially. He doesn't treat you well! Saying he's not attracted to you and you need to lose weight is mean. Are you actually overweight? If you've already lost weight and he keeps telling you to lose even more, that sounds pretty shallow.

I think your behaviour wasn't the best because you actually messaged his colleague and got her involved. That's not a good move! She didn't actually do anything wrong. It's not her fault your boyfriend was telling her she's hot. However his response to it was being a total jerk! I think he probably does want to break up with you for real because nobody would change their relationship status to single on Facebook after five years just because you had a fight! I think he's using every opportunity to break up with you. Your weight, this argument. I think you're better off to break up with him because he doesn't respect you.

More details; I have financially supported him for years. I pushed him to file for his citizenship (he did not get it through me, but he needed pushing to file for it) / quit smoking / and he got an AS degree because I pushed him to. I’m also at least part of why he has a job (pushed him to apply, helped him apply, applied to some for him). I don’t nag him; I'm careful not to. There has been an ongoing trend of him not wanting to do things with me or go anywhere with me, but he says it's from being tired from work. He’s told me that he is not attracted to me and thinks me losing weight will fix the problem maybe. I've been trying hard at this and have about 10 more lbs to go according to him. (In general I am unhappy with my weight, so it's not all him.)

^This above is not what a relationship between two adults, let alone romantic partners looks like. The dynamic between you and this guy is that of a mother trying to raise a teenager. Unfortunately, nothing kills romance and sexual attraction faster in a relationship than a parent/child dynamic.

Just to be clear - you are NOT wrong to expect a grown man to act like an adult, take care of his business, have a job, etc. Where you are wrong is in taking on a human project and trying to turn a guy who is not what you want him to be into what you want him to be. Never ever ever date a project. People are not fixer upper projects. The moment you get involved with that, you will end up where you are - in a toxic, unsatisfying dynamic. You won't get gratitude for fixing him up, you will get resentment and even hate for it. That's human nature and you better understand that so you never get involved like that again.

As for this relationship, no I don't think it can be salvaged. It's been too toxic for too long, too much water under that bridge, too many resentments. On top of that, his reaction is telling that he is very much checked out and done. If you two patch up, it will be a mistake on your part and a temporary arrangement on his part only because he needs a roof over his head for now. He will continue to resent and hate you for that though and get more mean, more nasty, more abusive toward you about it.

Regarding trackers on his phone, reading his texts and emails - yes you are completely in the wrong. Tracking your partner like they are some criminal and you are their parole officer is controlling behavior and that's putting it politely. If you have trust issues, either you need to address that with a therapist OR date men who align with your values and relationship boundaries, aka people you can actually trust.

This particular blow up....you were wrong to get into his texts and what you read was nothing more than completely meaningless, incredibly juvenile locker room chat among coworkers. You basically eavesdropped into a conversation that was none of your business and blew up. I'm guessing it's not the first time you've pulled a stunt like this and no question he is fed with the policing and controlling behavior from you. Still you are NOT wrong in wanting to be with a man who won't carry on like that. That's really the big issue here. You are trying to force a manchild to be something else. It doesn't work like that.

What drove you to snoop was that you felt his behavior is changing, aka fear that he is either cheating or leaving. Instead of snooping, you should have talked with him about the relationship and what's going on between you. Not in the "I can't believe you don't want to spend every free minute with me" way, but rather taking the temperature of the relationship at large. If he is not willing to talk and the relationship is circling the drain, better to face that and end things amicably rather than create drama. At the end of the day, you can't force anyone to be with you if they don't want to and the sooner you let go, the faster you can find someone who actually wants to be with you and only you.

Bottom line with fixer upper relationships is that you never know if the person is or was ever with you because they like you or simply because you they need the room and board from you. If you are already an insecure, jealous person that question mark will eat you alive. It's always hovering in your subconscious. In short, this relationship was doomed from the get go. It's not worth salvaging. On top of that, it sounds to me that you have some serious work to do on yourself and how you are in a relationship, what dynamic you create long before you attempt another relationship with anyone else.

There is nothing really to discuss.....he was emotionally cheating, so he was already stepping out of your relationship....kicking him to the curb was the right thing to do. I hope you enjoy your new found freedom with the extra money in your wallet. Go spoil yourself :) Go have a spa weekend to wash that man right out of your hair!

What I don't understand is why you want to fix a relationship with a guy that you have had to mother through life, who has told you he is not attracted to you, who doesn't know when he is being over-the-top in his so called compliments, who your parents don't even like and who you clearly do not trust since you check his smart watch and you have a cell phone tracker on him.

If I ever, in my life find myself that mistrusting and wanting a relationship with a man-boy like him... just kill me now.

No, this isn't fixable.

He isn't with you for the right reasons; not anymore, anyway. He's actively looking for side action or he would never have sent a message like to begin with. Don't allow him to insult your intelligence by claiming he doesn't think of his coworkers as male or female - please.

He is only coming up with excuses now because he doesn't want you to stop funding him and lose the roof over his head. It's not because he loves you.

I think of my coworkers as neither male or female, they're just my friends

It was wrong to snoop on his phone. However, his flirtatious behavior and letting you know he's not attracted to you due to your weight means it's time to breakup. There is zero trust from both of you.

Continue kicking him out. His sleeping in his car is not your problem and he should crash on someone else's couch. One of these days, you can call the police to remove him from your property.

No, your relationship is beyond hope and not fixable.

Ditch the loser.

I'll be honest here from my own perspective and you take it however you want. This is me and my relationship 2 years ago. Everything you wrote, and Im sure there is more, I've been through. Even the lenght of relationship is the same. He doesn't love you. I dont want to say he is using you, but you are his comfort zone and he is afraid to leave it. First time he meets one girl that will give him a grain of attention and is willing to take over your motherly duties, he is going to leave you. Not sure but I think they call it monkey branching.

Its not the coworker you have to worry about. Its the fact he admitted that he flirts in general. He is already looking for other options... You will be his safe-zone, until he finds a new "victim".

Collect your thoughts and calm down, sit him down and ask him peacefully what is it that he loves about you. Why is he in a relationship with you and where is the relationship going? If he gets angry or confused, attacks you in any way, you'll have your answer.

I know it's hard to imagine leaving him and starting over, but trust me anything is better than staying in a disrespectful relationship as a temporary choice. No matter how hard it gets, at the end of the day you'll see why you are better off without him.

I meet plenty of HOT people, and I do not take the initiative to tell them so.

Don't be his sugar mama anymore; he's a grown arse adult, and can figure it out. He has a sister, so he can move in with her. And yes, you should be kicking him out.

The fact that he didn't think what he said was a big deal, imagine all the other texts to all the other women he hasn't been caught for?!!???

He's a butt-munch, and I know from the bottom of my heart, you can do so much better, and must stop being people's doormats.

I have financially supported him for years. I pushed him to file for his citizenship (he did not get it through me, but he needed pushing to file for it) / quit smoking / and he got an AS degree because I pushed him to. I’m also at least part of why he has a job (pushed him to apply, helped him apply, applied to some for him). I don’t nag him; I'm careful not to.

You don't nag him but you control his every move, you take care of him financially and emotionally. You want him for his "potential", not for who he is now.

This is what happens when you choose someone for their potential... when you choose to take on someone as a project... vs. someone that is actually on the same page as you in life.

And of course he is going to back track on breaking up once he realizes that he has nowhere else to go and no one to take care of him.

You can definitely do better OP.