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Thread: Feeling Lost and Hurt

  1. #1
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    Feeling Lost and Hurt

    I am trying to get over a relationship that lasted over 7.5 years. We lived together for seven of those years but according to her we were just dating?? Really 7 years in the same home and we were just dating. Top it off we never said we love each other. Everything was ok until this last summer when stress just over whelmed us. Top it off she admits she has a wall up and does not like anyone to know her personal business, no one at work even knew we were living together except a short few. Which made Christmas parties very stressful with everyone asking me where I lived, and having them taken a back when I said with her. As I am writing this out if seems very clear I was not in a healthy relationship but I am still confused as to why I miss her.

    There were great times, great trips, awesome gifts, etc. It was not all bad but I just never felt comfortable in her home. Her Mom would bring up her ex every single time we visited, every single time! It may have just been a short comments but after 30 times you just have to wonder why it was still such a topic. She would tell me I'm just to insecure and sensitive. All my concerns were thrown back at me as if it was my issue not hers. Even the breakup was all about her needing space and me never giving it to her, even though we never talked schedules etc to try and find a compromise. How am I supposed to know exactly when you need space? Some days she would want to spend time with me after work and on weekends so how am I supposed to know when free time is required? I lived there! And I would get yelled at for being negative or comments she didn't like but if she did it it was fine, and she would get mad if questioned her doing it. Now I was negative and I own that, and I am working on it but she thinks it is just fine that she does it, and it is not negative actions but thoughts to her.

    If we talk about the breakup it is fine if the finger points at me. If I bring up my issues then she just closes down. I know the writing is on the wall. I have read up on Projecting and gas lighting and I definitely think I was in that. Just no idea why I can't move on.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    After that long together, even if dysfunctional, it can likely take up to a year to get over someone. Just hoping you have no contact so that the closure can actually happen. Hopefully, you've learned lessons from this relationship, and have come up with a must-have and dealbreaker list for when you feel ready to date. I know I had warned a former friend about not moving in with someone when he'd never told her he loved her. They bought a house together and a year and a half later, they broke up and she had to buy him out.

    Make sure your self esteem is high when entering a relationship, otherwise you will repeat a pattern of choosing inappropriate partners. Have a fulfilling life hanging out with guy friends and having hobbies so you don't solely rely on a partner for your social life. Take care.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you broke out of prison finally. Why did you move in with her after 6 mos? Why were you a secret? Where did you move to? In time you will feel much better being out of this situation. Next time take time to get to know someone and choose carefully.
    Originally Posted by rj1567
    We lived together for seven of those years but according to her we were just dating? I just never felt comfortable in her home.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    After 7.5 years it simply takes time to get used to a different life. Wanting what's familiar, even if it was toxic, is really quite normal. Just, do not even try to go back. Instead focus on healing, changing your habits, find some hobbies, meet new people. In short get busy. It won't feel good or even comfortable at first, but with time you'll find that you are starting to enjoy life so much better without her in it. It does take time, effort, and getting used to. Loop up meetup.com and see if you can find some groups to join, things to do where you can socialize lightly and sort of distract yourself a bit so you don't feel too alone.

    On a side note, you might want to look up narcissism and narcissistic abuse. It might be eye opening for you to learn what you dealt with and how to get away and stay away.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You'll be able to move on when you remind yourself of all the negatives as opposed to wistfully focusing on good time memories.

    Whenever I feel nostalgic regarding some past people in my life and relationships that went awry, I reel myself back in by reminding myself of certain unsavory characteristic traits which is my constant, major wake up call.

    Some people have irreparable flaws, defects and serious mental disorders for which there is no cure.

    Gaslighting is a major unforgivable transgression to me anyway. Stay away from gaslighters like the plague!

    Instead of living in a dream like trance, reality hits you and you'll begin to think lucidly and logically for life. Focus on disdainful characteristic traits. Then you'll become extremely steadfast and unwavering with your convictions.

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    How long ago was your breakup, and where are you living now?

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    At first we hit it off real well. It was only after a while that all the negative issues started. We worked together but in separate areas and she didn't want people to talk. Even though most knew anyway. It was the no love thing that bothered me the most. And the last party we had when one of her co-workers asked me where I lived, that really started me thinking what the heck am I doing. Over seven years together and still no one knows the depth of our relationship.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    well I think you had the blinders on way way too long and forgot all about your expectations needed for a relationship. Her, she has something mentally/emotionally wrong with her. She has been closed off and just going through the motions for 7.5 years. Ending a relationship of any kind takes time to adjust without that person being around. ...It's perfectly normal having to return to a new normal. You are just missing the good stuff, and of course having someone there, but there will be a day when it all lifts off you, and you will be excited about life again.

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    I think she has been closed off way longer than that. I just didnít see it, or chose to accept it. Lesson learned for sure. The gas lighting and projection of making me feel like it was me was messed up. I didnít see it.

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    Not to be too harsh but you sound more like a pet than a partner.

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