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Thread: Dealing with girlfriend family crap

  1. #1
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    Dealing with girlfriend family crap

    Hi, I recently posted on here about dating a woman and being a single father. I really do love this woman but her family is a big big mess. Recently her dad had surgery and is in the hospital and not doing really good at this time and I have been there all the time fir her if she needs me and always will be. She has a mother who speaks very little english and has lived here for 50 years and she is almost like a baby as she knows how to nothing on her own.

    She is at her moms house every day after work and I feel like her brother and sister should be helping out as her brother lives upstairs ( rent free ) and her sister lives close by also and being basically supported by her parents.

    I feel as if I am constantly driving to and from her and she has to take on the responsibilities of her mother and also watching her brothers kid when he comes into town as he works at a nightclub. Her brother is a loser and he also has another kid who is 17 with emotional problems that he rarely sees.

    She complained on driving to come see me ( like planned ) and I have a daughter who really likes her but on Sunday she tells me she is " Tired of hearing how good a dad I am and hates my daughters mother " I said to her it is what it is as far as my ex but I don't know where she is getting all this " Great father " talk from as I never say anything in the sort?

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    What would you like to see happen here? Have you talked to her about your concerns?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It seems this is how she and her family operate so there's not much you can (or should) do about it. Keep the focus on your relationship not the failings and dynamics of her family. However do observe if this is a situation you can deal with on a regular basis.

    Do not get in family wars. It's a losing battle. She seems defensive and unhappy with the relationship and the fact that you have a child and ex.
    Originally Posted by Jimbo251
    She is at her moms house every day after work and I feel like her brother and sister should be helping out as her brother lives upstairs ( rent free ) and her sister lives close by also and being basically supported by her parents.

    She complained on driving to come see me ( like planned ) and I have a daughter who really likes her but on Sunday she tells me she is " Tired of hearing how good a dad I am and hates my daughters mother "

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If a relationship is more upsetting/frustrating/stressful than it is satisfying, then it's not the right relationship for you. I understand helping out family in emergencies and health problem issues, but if she's a doormat and taking on more than she has to, and doesn't demand the assistance of others in the family to divide duties, then she's accepting this role.

    When you don't feel like a priority, you're not. A person can have more than one priority, but you're not one, because you're having to make all of the effort to go her way, and she whines when she has to come through on her side.

    Love isn't enough. If you're hoping for a major change to be happy, you're being unrealistic. What you see is what you get, so either accept it will be this way forever and stay, or leave and find a woman who doesn't bring this sort of stress into your life.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It's not her family, it's her. She chooses to go there every day. She chooses to be a parent to her parents as well as her siblings and nephews. This is all her. So you either accept the entire package or it's not working for you and you need to walk away. When you speak with such disdain about her family, you might as well be speaking about your gf because you can't separate her out from this as one special flower who is different. She isn't different, she is very much part and parcel of the dysfunctional whole.

    As for her passive aggressive jab at you....sounds like there are conflicts and resentments bubbling under the surface between you and her directly. No surprise there as people who grow up in a dysfunctional family rarely come equipped with functional communication/conflict resolution skills.

    So how much dysfunction and drama do you really love in your life? At some point you'll have to make a choice to carry on or walk away.

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    It sounds like you have a lot going on in your own situation with your ex-wife, that you really don't need this extra situation with your girl friend. How long have you been together?

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    I completely agree that this is about her not her family . I don't think you two have enough compatible goals/standards to be a good match for each other at this time. I'd let her focus on her priorities right now and understand that you are tired of accommodating her (unchanging) priorities.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The more you write, the messier this whole thing appears to be.

    Working backward through your post, I'm not surprised that she made the comment about growing tired of hearing you sing your praises as a father while bemoaning your ex. It's not a cute look, just being honest, and it's the look that started coming through in your last thread. So much hostility, so much pride—tough stuff for another. Very few people have it in them to seriously date someone who is in a permanent state of fury about an ex, whether they share a child or not.

    On that note, it can be hard to date someone seriously when you despise their family, and how they interact with their family. It's the same thing, you see? Good as she may be in a bubble, what she comes with does not settle well with you, just like what you come with does not settle well with her. This level of ire and judgment and resentment is not a great sign this early. If you can't accept who someone is, and where they are in life, it's better to accept the fact of that than to throw around sharp elbows.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member milly007's Avatar
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    In terms of your girlfriend assisting her family, you either have to accept it or not. If not, move on.

    I can't imagine how overwhelmed she must feel right now, with her father being sick and wanting to ensure that her mother is okay.

    She wants to be there for her family and help them out. Isn't this a good thing?

    I'd be a lot more worried if she was neglecting them and not helping out at all. In fact, it would be a deal breaker for me if someone I was dating didn't help out.

    As for your girlfriend's siblings, she can't force them to lend a helping hand, and if they aren't going to assist, obviously she has no choice but to step in and pick up the slack. She isn't going to let her parents flounder & suffer as a result.

    Does she complain about having to be there for her family? Does she say she doesn't want to?

    It sounds like your gf is stressed (and frankly, I can't say I blame her), and she's reluctant to drive to your place because she doesn't want to subject herself to any further stress/negativity (i.e. - dealing with your ex) because she's dealing with enough grief on her end.

    You two either have to find a common ground and work through this, or move on. With everything going on in her life right now, and yours, it might just be too much stress for a relationship to flourish.
    Last edited by milly007; 01-21-2020 at 01:38 PM.

  11. #10
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    This is not going to change. These folks and problems will not go away.

    Do you want this for your future? Do you want to be financially responsible for them?

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