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Dealing with girlfriend family crap


Jimbo251

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Hi, I recently posted on here about dating a woman and being a single father. I really do love this woman but her family is a big big mess. Recently her dad had surgery and is in the hospital and not doing really good at this time and I have been there all the time fir her if she needs me and always will be. She has a mother who speaks very little english and has lived here for 50 years and she is almost like a baby as she knows how to nothing on her own.

 

She is at her moms house every day after work and I feel like her brother and sister should be helping out as her brother lives upstairs ( rent free ) and her sister lives close by also and being basically supported by her parents.

 

I feel as if I am constantly driving to and from her and she has to take on the responsibilities of her mother and also watching her brothers kid when he comes into town as he works at a nightclub. Her brother is a loser and he also has another kid who is 17 with emotional problems that he rarely sees.

 

She complained on driving to come see me ( like planned ) and I have a daughter who really likes her but on Sunday she tells me she is " Tired of hearing how good a dad I am and hates my daughters mother " I said to her it is what it is as far as my ex but I don't know where she is getting all this " Great father " talk from as I never say anything in the sort?

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Sorry to hear this. It seems this is how she and her family operate so there's not much you can (or should) do about it. Keep the focus on your relationship not the failings and dynamics of her family. However do observe if this is a situation you can deal with on a regular basis.

 

Do not get in family wars. It's a losing battle. She seems defensive and unhappy with the relationship and the fact that you have a child and ex.

She is at her moms house every day after work and I feel like her brother and sister should be helping out as her brother lives upstairs ( rent free ) and her sister lives close by also and being basically supported by her parents.

 

She complained on driving to come see me ( like planned ) and I have a daughter who really likes her but on Sunday she tells me she is " Tired of hearing how good a dad I am and hates my daughters mother "

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If a relationship is more upsetting/frustrating/stressful than it is satisfying, then it's not the right relationship for you. I understand helping out family in emergencies and health problem issues, but if she's a doormat and taking on more than she has to, and doesn't demand the assistance of others in the family to divide duties, then she's accepting this role.

 

When you don't feel like a priority, you're not. A person can have more than one priority, but you're not one, because you're having to make all of the effort to go her way, and she whines when she has to come through on her side.

 

Love isn't enough. If you're hoping for a major change to be happy, you're being unrealistic. What you see is what you get, so either accept it will be this way forever and stay, or leave and find a woman who doesn't bring this sort of stress into your life.

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It's not her family, it's her. She chooses to go there every day. She chooses to be a parent to her parents as well as her siblings and nephews. This is all her. So you either accept the entire package or it's not working for you and you need to walk away. When you speak with such disdain about her family, you might as well be speaking about your gf because you can't separate her out from this as one special flower who is different. She isn't different, she is very much part and parcel of the dysfunctional whole.

 

As for her passive aggressive jab at you....sounds like there are conflicts and resentments bubbling under the surface between you and her directly. No surprise there as people who grow up in a dysfunctional family rarely come equipped with functional communication/conflict resolution skills.

 

So how much dysfunction and drama do you really love in your life? At some point you'll have to make a choice to carry on or walk away.

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I completely agree that this is about her not her family . I don't think you two have enough compatible goals/standards to be a good match for each other at this time. I'd let her focus on her priorities right now and understand that you are tired of accommodating her (unchanging) priorities.

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The more you write, the messier this whole thing appears to be.

 

Working backward through your post, I'm not surprised that she made the comment about growing tired of hearing you sing your praises as a father while bemoaning your ex. It's not a cute look, just being honest, and it's the look that started coming through in your last thread. So much hostility, so much pride—tough stuff for another. Very few people have it in them to seriously date someone who is in a permanent state of fury about an ex, whether they share a child or not.

 

On that note, it can be hard to date someone seriously when you despise their family, and how they interact with their family. It's the same thing, you see? Good as she may be in a bubble, what she comes with does not settle well with you, just like what you come with does not settle well with her. This level of ire and judgment and resentment is not a great sign this early. If you can't accept who someone is, and where they are in life, it's better to accept the fact of that than to throw around sharp elbows.

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In terms of your girlfriend assisting her family, you either have to accept it or not. If not, move on.

 

I can't imagine how overwhelmed she must feel right now, with her father being sick and wanting to ensure that her mother is okay.

 

She wants to be there for her family and help them out. Isn't this a good thing?

 

I'd be a lot more worried if she was neglecting them and not helping out at all. In fact, it would be a deal breaker for me if someone I was dating didn't help out.

 

As for your girlfriend's siblings, she can't force them to lend a helping hand, and if they aren't going to assist, obviously she has no choice but to step in and pick up the slack. She isn't going to let her parents flounder & suffer as a result.

 

Does she complain about having to be there for her family? Does she say she doesn't want to?

 

It sounds like your gf is stressed (and frankly, I can't say I blame her), and she's reluctant to drive to your place because she doesn't want to subject herself to any further stress/negativity (i.e. - dealing with your ex) because she's dealing with enough grief on her end.

 

You two either have to find a common ground and work through this, or move on. With everything going on in her life right now, and yours, it might just be too much stress for a relationship to flourish.

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I can see why she does not like the ex:

" Yes I agree. My daughters mother is a bit of a control freak and she can be really rude at times. My girlfriend is Hispanic and she called her an illegal which really got me pissed. My poor girlfriend is going through a tough time today as her dad was bleeding internally and I wish I was not stuck at the firehouse all day so I could comfort her. I will just have to go in the morning as soon as I get off."

 

This was 1.5 weeks ago. This woman has a lot on her plate. Except it, or don't.

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In terms of your girlfriend assisting her family, you either have to accept it or not. If not, move on.

I can't imagine how overwhelmed she must feel right now, with her father being sick and wanting to ensure that her mother is okay.

She wants to be there for her family and help them out. Isn't this a good thing?

Having the crux of responsibility falling on one sibling more than the others is pretty text book. It's to be expected.

 

It doesn't necessarily translate into her being a doormat or problems with boundaries either. There is usually one child that is leaned on the most. Saying no and expecting dead beat brothers to step up is futile.

 

I was the sibling that was leaned on the most and stepped up when needed. My integrity wouldn't have it any other way.

I also know how to say no when necessary.

You can choose look at it a negative or possibly you are dating the more responsible person in the family.

 

I didn't read your other posts. .but the dig at being a perfect dad I think may have possibly been provoked. Is there more context to that comment? You are after all being critical of her involvement with her family.

 

Either way, this isn't going to change. She isn't going to step back from her family when they need her so you'll feel better.

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It makes no sense to me? I have been there her through all of her problems. I think that she may just not like my daughter because she can't have children but my daughter has already formed a bond with her and it's very sad because she is giving up on a very good guy and a possible child you will love her forever

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It makes no sense to me? I have been there her through all of her problems. I think that she may just not like my daughter because she can't have children but my daughter has already formed a bond with her and it's very sad because she is giving up on a very good guy and a possible child you will love her forever[/QUOTE]

 

Those are things you want for her.

 

Are you sure those are things SHE wants?

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Cherylyn, I think you are right!!! My mom was really upset about her comments to me as to myself " bragging " on what a good father I am.

 

I promise you I never ever once said anything about how great I am as a father. Her brother has two kids with two different women and is 48 y/o and pays nothing to live in the apartment above her parents and also pays nothing in support ( per his ex and my gf ).

 

His one kid threatened suicide last year and is still just a complete lazy kid who gets mad and punches the walls in her parents house. Her brother is luck his sons mother(s) are easy going as I see how hard it is to be a single dad.

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Cherylyn, I think you are right!!! My mom was really upset about her comments to me as to myself " bragging " on what a good father I am.

 

I promise you I never ever once said anything about how great I am as a father. Her brother has two kids with two different women and is 48 y/o and pays nothing to live in the apartment above her parents and also pays nothing in support ( per his ex and my gf ).

 

His one kid threatened suicide last year and is still just a complete lazy kid who gets mad and punches the walls in her parents house. Her brother is luck his sons mother(s) are easy going as I see how hard it is to be a single dad.

 

But . . .are you letting on to her that her family and their challenges are getting under your skin? That might be where her comment originated from.

 

You know. . you've glossed over any reason to defend her here.

 

You don't need permission to leave. It is your choice.

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Cherylyn, I think you are right!!! My mom was really upset about her comments to me as to myself " bragging " on what a good father I am.

 

I promise you I never ever once said anything about how great I am as a father. Her brother has two kids with two different women and is 48 y/o and pays nothing to live in the apartment above her parents and also pays nothing in support ( per his ex and my gf ).

 

His one kid threatened suicide last year and is still just a complete lazy kid who gets mad and punches the walls in her parents house. Her brother is luck his sons mother(s) are easy going as I see how hard it is to be a single dad.

 

Thank you, Jimbo251.

 

If you wish to save what little sanity you have left, you need to exit your toxic, dysfunctional relationship.

 

Surround yourself with normal, stable, conscientious, well grounded, honorable, moral people in your future. Good people will be a positive influence on you and contribute to your mental health.

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I think she is the only one doing anything for her mother right now. My mother lost her leg last year in February due to medical malpractice and being an only child I know the stress but my father is there and if he was not she has friends and just started walking with her new prosthetic leg. My girlfriend's father never told her mother how to do anything she doesn't know how to pay bills she doesn't know how to do laundry all she knows how to do is wait on him hand and foot and this is per her and I told her this is the future of headaches for you if you're going to take this task and by yourself.

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I think I just need others to understand that for the past 5 years I truly did my best to be a father to my daughter. I love every minute when my daughter hugs me and tells me " I love you daddy " but I am missing love myself.

 

I often meet women but all seem very selfish and carefree. I just want someone who will love me for me and eventually even love my daughter.

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She complains all the time about how her brother neglects his children. My question to her is then why do you feel obligated to watch his children? I think that she has a problem because she cannot have children and then I have a daughter.

 

I am very upset with myself for introducing her to my daughter after about six months of dating her because my daughter has formed a bond with her already.

 

I have been very good to her and her situation with her father I am a paramedic but my cousin is a pathologist and I have another cousin that is a surgeon every time she has a problem she called me I give her information so she knows what they are talking about because sometimes doctors don't tell them and she calls me last week I am the best man she's ever met she loves me she can't live without me and then all of a sudden it all stops!'n

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She said boltnrun that she was understanding of this from the start. My daughter and her have had many smiles together but she is very carefree in her life and think she may have issues from her divorce over 10 years ago.

 

She had started a new job back in August and was stressed because she had to actually get up and go to work.

 

I think she may have alcoholic tendencies and my family told me this on Christmas that she guzzled 6 glasses if wine and two glasses of Hendricks and soda.

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I posted earlier and I meant to post to your response catfeeder. I really was hopeful and very happy when I met her and I don't know what more I can do to show her that I love her I have been there for her father I have been there when ever she had problems at her work but every now and then I may have a problem and I need her help and obviously it's too much to ask that of her.

 

I am just a man who would actually love to find that right woman. I know nobody is totally perfect but I see many good women who understand and accept single fathers.

 

I would love to find a partner with kids or without and if she had kids that is a plus to me as I love helping others and kids ste the future for sure.

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