Ugly

Hello Everyone, I just joined this site and I would like to say hello first before asking for any advice. I'm hoping that someone can relate how they might feel if what I'm going to say has happened to them, or if they have any advice for me? A little over a year ago I met a woman online and I gradually fell in love with her and she has said that she loves me also. It's been a long distance relationship with me in the States and her in another country and I did have plans on moving to her country in a short while. We've kept up our relationship on Skype, talking for hours on end every night. I had bought a plane ticket and visited her over the summer, it was my first visit over there. Tonight on Skype I had asked her if she found me attractive and on a scale of 1 to 10 she rated me a five. In the past she has had a guy that she spent four or five years with, and also had been married for 30 years. Out of curiosity I asked her what she would rate them as far as looks go, she gave the guy a seven and her former husband a nine. When I flew over there this summer I had rented a car at the airport and tonight I had asked her that since she only gave me a five rating if she was disappointed with my looks when I had gotten out of the car and tonight she says yes she was disappointed. It has devastated me to say the least. How could I be with her if she doesn't find me attractive plus the fact that she had given me a mediocre rating? I had no idea that she didn't really find me attractive and the only time she had seen me before my trip over there was from the shoulders up. I'm in good shape physically or so I've been told, but now it seems as if my world has fallen apart. I suffer from depression and the news tonight has made my depression even worse. Can anyone tell me what they would think and feel if they were me in this same situation or any advice on what to do? With the depression clouding my thoughts and judgement right now I can't even think straight. I honestly do need some insight and thank you for any that you can give me.

I would cut it off with her since she places importance on aesthetics. You deserve a woman who will appreciate your character and soul.

Don't waste your time on this woman. You deserve better, scorpio012.

I've never been in that situation because I chose the far easier and inexpensive way to date, locally, within 45 minutes driving distance. So glad I never spent over a thousand dollars for an OLD get together for a person just to tell me I was only a 5.

My advice? Cut off contact with someone who doesn't find you attractive. More advice? Don't ask a question you don't want to hear an answer to. When you're dating in the future, your answer will be seen in their eyes, their attraction for you, or not, and their loving gestures, or not, and their accepting more dates, (that is if you haven't given them money and expensive gifts and they want to be in your company for that reason), or not. My other advice is to date locally, because it takes dating a boatload of people to find a true match. At the rate you're going in long distance, you'll be 90 by the time you find "the one." You already wasted an entire year on a fantasy. When you finally met, reality reared its very real head. With local dating, you would've done a hard pass on a woman like this within 2 weeks.

If you're not getting treatment for depression, do so. You can't be a good partner to anyone unless you're mentally whole yourself, and you will choose toxic people if you don't feel worthy.

This was an experience to learn from, so now you can move forward with a better plan. Good luck.

How cruel and insensitive. I am sorry that someone could be so thoughtless.

Why are you dating someone in another country? How can you have a relationship with someone you see once a year? LDRs do not work, and how would you get to know someone properly- as you currently see.

My ex was not physically attractive, but I was highly attracted to him because he was a lot of fun. Looks fade with time, but personality and character do not. This is what makes someone desirable and sexy.

What are you doing for your mental health?

Move on from this woman.

Did you ask for a score or was that how she answered your question? She didn't consider your feelings and was downright offensive. If she doesn't find you attractive then what is she getting out of a LDR? Just friendship? Or is she looking for money or a visa?

Locally to you there will be women who'd rate YOU as a 7 or 9. There will also be women who wouldn't ever consider putting a number on a partner's attractiveness, so tell her you deserve someone better and make it happen.

Sorry to hear this. Between the distance and her attitude this doesn't seem worth your time and energy to invest in. It sounds like she in involved locally and may be a bit of a scammer. Delete and block her and instead invest your time in dating local decent women.

When I flew over there this summer I had rented a car at the airport and tonight I had asked her that since she only gave me a five rating if she was disappointed with my looks when I had gotten out of the car and tonight she says yes she was disappointed.

My thoughts are, why would you ask such a childish question, and why would she answer such a question? Sorry, but you're both wrong, (imo).

I'd move on and take the lesson with me.

Cherylyn, Thank you for taking the time to read and answer my post. As difficult as it is for me to realize, I believe you're right in the advice you've given me. Thank you so much for your message that I deserve better. Thanks again

Andrina, I want to thank you for your advice and as I replied to Cherylyn, despite the pain of knowing how this woman views me it will be a hard goodbye. You're absolutely right about not asking a question that you don't want to know the answer to, but I never realized that she could be so shallow. In the past I've never continued a relationship based purely on looks alone there always had to be a lot more. The reason for the LDR is because I live in a very rural area and unless you were born in this area you're considered an outsider and most people here don't give you a second look. Reading your post I can tell that you're wise beyond your years and I only wish now that I would have been as wise. Thnks again

Hello HeartGoesOn, Thinking back to last night's conversation with her and what I found out, I can see now that it was a childish question, but it had come up in an innocent way and it wasn't a question just asked out of the blue not that it makes it any less childish. Thanks again

Wiseman2, Thank you for taking the time to reply. I wish now I was what you use as a username- a "Wiseman". When feelings come from my heart as they did for this woman, they're a very hard thing to let go of and the old saying "Love is Blind" is true in my case. I admit I don't think of myself as a good looking guy even though in my past I have dated and even married very pretty woman. My self-esteem has taken a big hit from last night's conversation and it will take awhile to recover. Thanks again.

There may not be someone in your direct area, but why don't you stick to your own state?

poorlittlefish, Thanks for your reply. The question had come up in an innocent way in part of our conversation last night and yes I did ask her how she would rate me from 1 to 10. Someone else has said that it was a childish question and I agree. I know for sure that I would have been more considerate of her feelings if she has asked me the same question. As I said to someone else when it involves feelings from my heart, it's always been painful for to let go of them. Thank you for your kind words and support.

Ok so you can find suitable compatible women in your area. It takes time. The issue with an LDR like this is that a lot is filled in by your mind because real life real time dating and getting to know each other is not happening.

It's easy to get hooked on a convenient "connection" that just streams in like a video game. However that is a fraction of what is really going on. Even if it takes time get on some dating apps and date as locally as you can.

If you dated and married before, you'll be fine. Keep in mind this is just her opinion and she could just be a mean spirited person or is precipitating a breakup.

I have dated and even married very pretty woman.

I've known my husband for about 20 years and I don't think I've ever asked him anything remotely like that or vice versa. Yes we've each complimented the other on looks -we still do - sometimes silly, sometimes more serious, sometimes specific. It really wouldn't occur to me to rank him 1 to 10 in looks -why? He's a package deal -we're in our 50s and the truth is I actually find him even more attractive lately - I don't know why, I don't care why -I think he's cute/handsome and seeing him often makes me smile and feel appreciative of him. It's probably an outer looks plus my care and love for him. I feel unattractive lately - but he compliments me regularly or smiles at me, etc. And it's fine to ask your partner if she likes what you're wearing, your haircut, one hair style over another, one outfit over another -but ranking -no, don't go there. And yes date local if you can -long distance is hard, we did it!

Hello Wiseman2, Once again thank you for your thoughtful advice. I'm sure that many of the people who have responded to my post have asked themselves, "Why doesn't he just find someone in his area?" Because of feeling so low last night, I didn't want to get into the reason behind the long distance relationship. The entire story is that thirty-five years ago I had become addicted to a drug and had committed two crimes and was sentenced to twenty years in a state prison of which I served nineteen years and eight months. After being released I had chosen to move to a new state and begin anew. I had a family member that had invited me to stay with her and her family in this area until I could get back on my feet again. Eventually that relationship soured and I had to find an apartment fairly quickly. While in prison, I had a lot of hopes and dreams that had kept me going year after year. When I was released I quickly realized that the years that I had served, were the easy part of my paying for my crimes, the real punishment began after I was released. I had also soon realized that all of the hopes and dreams I had while in prison would never come to fruition. They were simple hopes and dreams, finding a nice place to live, a decent job, transportation, and I think most importantly to me then was to find someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately for me, I had soon come to realize that I had chosen the wrong place to move to because of being such a rural area. I was released in 2006 and have lived in the apartment where I live now for almost nine years. Because of the lack of a social scene in this area, I soon found that the loneliness I began to feel was extremely painful, but I felt trapped with no real place to go to meet anyone. My health was declining rapidly and after nine years of feeling that pain everyday I was soon began thinking about taking my own life. Before I had made any concrete plans to do so, I was online one night and had related how low I was feeling on a different loneliness site. This woman had replied to how I was feeling, and after messaging each other for months, our relationship took off. I had fallen in love with this woman just from our conversations and the things she had said. Now, after a little over a year, and one visit to see her, is when she told me that she didn't think I was attractive. Because of the seriousness of my health problems I am legitimately trapped in my apartment and had placed all my hope on this woman, especially after she had told me that she would like to come over here. Now at my age and with my health problems the likelihood of my finding someone is practically nil. Certainly no one is going to come knocking on my door telling me that they want to start a relationship. My fear of dying alone here in this apartment is going to be the way that I go and in all honesty I'm scared to death of that happening. I won't take up anymore of your time and thank you again for taking the time to read my posts and for the support you've given me. Take Care

I'm sorry for your struggles. But, you cannot expect any person -much less someone who is long distance - to lift you up out of loneliness/depression/life situation -to find the right person you have to be the right person -stable, independent, positive outlook, ready to share an already fun and fulfilling life with someone. Placing all your hope on a stranger is unrealistic and unfair to both of you. It's not the answer and in fact it will make your problems worse. If you qualify for medical assistance I'd seek professional counseling if I were you.

I'm sorry for your struggles. But, you cannot expect any person -much less someone who is long distance - to lift you up out of loneliness/depression/life situation -to find the right person you have to be the right person -stable, independent, positive outlook, ready to share an already fun and fulfilling life with someone. Placing all your hope on a stranger is unrealistic and unfair to both of you. It's not the answer and in fact it will make your problems worse. If you qualify for medical assistance I'd seek professional counseling if I were you.

I totally agree. I also think you should consider relocating.

Sorry to hear this hopefully you can get support from social services. Your records are public but contacting woman you think can't access them won't help your loneliness in the long run. Try to reach out for more community services.

thirty-five years ago I had become addicted to a drug and had committed two crimes and was sentenced to twenty years in a state prison of which I served nineteen years and eight months.I was released in 2006 and have lived in the apartment where I live now for almost nine years. Because of the lack of a social scene in this area, I soon found that the loneliness I began to feel was extremely painful, but I felt trapped with no real place to go to meet anyone. I am legitimately trapped in my apartment and had placed all my hope on this woman, especially after she had told me that she would like to come over here.

I recommend using the internet to find events where you can meet local people in person. Instead of using it to try to find people to "fall in love" with virtually.

And see if social services can help you relocate to an area with better resources.