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Thread: Feeling paranoid and lost

  1. #1
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    Feeling paranoid and lost

    I'm struggling to know if my mind is playing tricks on me or if how I'm feeling is actually reasonable. I've been in a relationship for 8 months and am so in love; it's simultaneously the most amazing and terrifying feeling. I've been in other long term relationships and been in love but this one feels so much more... Well, more. My last relationship ended very abruptly at the 8 month mark and I'm not sure if I'm now projecting my fears of losing my current boyfriend out of seemingly nowhere.
    We talk everyday but over the last week it's become patchy, one day we talk for 2 minutes only and then the next day its 4 hours and then the next day its one text. That along with the fact we've only had sex once in the last 5 weeks (he was unwell for 2 of those weeks though) is just starting to spring questions in my mind. I last saw him 4 days ago for an hour and it was really nice, we just cuddled and laughed and talked and he told me he loved me but he hasn't asked me to stay over for well over a week and since we've been together I've always stayed over at least 2 nights a week every week. He's prioritising spending time with his friends over me a lot (at least in my mind - I really don't know if I'm overthinking it) it's lead me to think that perhaps he just needs a bit of him time but he's always been very honest and upfront and it's something he would normally have said if it were the case so again I don't know if what I think is happening actually is or not.
    I should also mention that I have had periods throughout this relationship where I've been paranoid and sure things were wrong which turned out to be completely in my head. He's consistently shown me he loves me and I've consistently been scared it's all going to go away. I'm worried I'll push him away or if perhaps I currently am. I feel like I should talk to him about the way I'm feeling but I have no idea how to. It's really bringing me down.

  2. #2
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    So it is hard sometimes to know if it's you or the relationship but if you're typically a reasonably centered person then something is off -how is it that you had 4 hours to talk on the phone? Sounds a bit much and maybe a bit overwhelming for him so he needs a bit of space? I would not talk to him at all unless there's something specific he's doing or not doing that you are feeling uncomfortable with. Anything else will come across as needy especially if he seems to be prioritizing his friends. Just give him twice the space he seems to need and let him come to you. And while giving him space let yourself just be -don't overthink just see what naturally comes to you. Do you have a fun, fulfilling life aside from being with him?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You sound really insecure.

    However, if you feel he's prioritizing his time with friends over you, share how you feel with him and let him know your concerns regarding this.

    If you feel anything is off or not the norm with his behavior, instead of posting here, tell him preferably in person and work it out with him. Let him explain or defend himself.

    Be honest. You can't expect anyone to read your mind. Communication is key so he can put your fears to rest.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    It’s true, you do not seem to be comfortable with the relationship though it has been going well. It’s like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Anything you can do to address that fear that any moment this could “go wrong” would be a great service to yourself and even to him. If our vibe is a “too good to last/too good for me” kind of feeling then our significant other will absolutely sense it, consciously or on a gut level...and consequently begin thinking/feeling that something truly is amiss.

    So my vote is for paranoid. I think it would be so cool if you were able to relax and act as if you were completely self-assured and confident in your relationship...I think your man would instantly respond and you’d both be happy with the results.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Have you resolved this yet?
    [Register to see the link]

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You posted in August about him, and every poster suggested that you end it with him then.

    Do you have a career that keeps you busy. How often do you spend time with girlfriends or a hobby every week, or does your life revolve around your man? It might, since it August you said: I am happy with my own company but I don't feel whole unless I have someone to share myself with. I've come to understand more of why this is through therapy but I don't know how to change this yet.

    Do you make most of the effort in the relationship, or is it equal? How often does he spend time with friends during the week? Is he spending 3 or 4 nights with them and 1 night with you? Just trying to gauge what your average week is, apart and together. Do you ever wait for him to make the effort, or are you always the one who initiates text, calls, and dates? Since he seems to be drifting away in your mind, why not let him make the most effort for now, and see how often it happens. If he's a coward about breaking up, he might be happy to let you fade away without drama from you or you driving the train that he's too lazy to get off. If he's truly interested, he will make the needed effort to keep you in his life, unless you feel unworthy and accept breadcrumbs and stay in a man's life even if he ignores you or mistreats you.

    Your fear of breaking up is likely self-sabotaging. People are attracted to confident mates who enjoy life and who were fine before the relationship, and will be fine if it ends, versus quivering towers of jello who are seen as clingy and weak. When you make someone the sole center of your universe, it's smothering and overwhelming. If you're doing that, perhaps that's the reason for his behavior. Maybe with more info, we can provide a more accurate reading of the situation.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The best thing you can do for yourself is ease up on relationships. 24 weeks is not that long and the artificial high may be wearing off. Do not use novelty and infatuation to treat long standing anxiety and mood disorders..

    Instead of worrying about him, get to a doctor MD for a thorough evaluation. And continue supportive therapy with your therapist. Also try to focus on your life and general satisfaction including career goals financial independence as well as developing and maintaining a healthy activity and eating program.

    Get involved in some clubs and groups, take some classes and course. Volunteer. You need to find your own sustained happiness and mental health. Hanging it on short term dating highs will just create a roller coaster for you. It will also sabotage any relationship you are trying to forge.
    Originally Posted by MaggieMatsu
    I've concentrated on my health physical health but believe I've neglected my mental health to the point where I'm now seeking therapy but it hasn't helped me to find that motivation to get up and be productive. I feel I've begun a bit of a spiral into depression because of this and I've reached the point where just getting out of bed seems pointless.

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    Sorry I went quiet for a while there, thank you for all your thoughts on this. Since I posted this we've spent some time together but it still feels very rocky and confusing. We did talk about it and it seemed as though we ended up on the same page but since then I feel it's gone back to quiet mode.
    In answer to the question of how much time we spend together: it's always been 1-2 days a week and the effort has always been mutual. I did post about him back in August but it completely turned out to be all in my mind, the nail was hit on the head in this thread - I know I am insecure.
    I'm struggling to know how much of this is my own paranoia and how much is worth actually being concerned about. I am undergoing therapy for my mental health but apparently it's not having much of an effect on me as of yet. I've spent the last week and a half mistreating myself, I know I'm doing it but I just don't know how to combat it. I've not eaten in 9 days because my anxiety takes over and eating makes me feel ill, I'm not sleeping well at all and all the things I typically enjoy has lost all it's flavour - I simply find no joy in things while I'm feeling like this.
    Part of me is desperately hoping my relationship can be rescued as although I know 9 months isn't long in the grand scheme of things, it's been long enough to fall very much in love and I can't fa e being hurt. Another part of me is trying to come to terms with the fact that if this isn't all in my head then maybe I have to end it and that's just not something I want to do.
    When it comes to just about every other aspect of my life I'm fairly well adjusted but when it comes to relationships my emotions run rampant and dictate everything.

  10. #9
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    when it comes to relationships my emotions run rampant and dictate everything.

    No. "when it comes to relationships I CHOOSE to let my emotions run rampant and dictate everything." You feel what you feel. You choose the reaction. I feel this so poignantly because I made a mistake today in a very important relationship (not my marriage) -knee jerk reaction to strong emotions which I have to own. I did own it -I apologized right away, within seconds. But I would never ever ever say or feel or imply to that person I hurt "sorry but my emotions run rampant and dictate everything" I said -and I suggest you say the same or some variation. "I am so sorry i hurt you. I was angry and I overreacted.". The person apologized to me for what was done and I again explained "yes, what you did was hurtful and I had no right to react to it as I did." You must take responsibility for your choices. It's not a minor thing -in "every other aspect" - you mean outside of relationships with people? That's a biggie. The sooner you own it -and yes the guilty feelings, etc - the sooner you will be motivated to take action to change. I've been making changes. Today was not a good example of that so I'm doubling down again. As much as it takes and if I have to take more measures to control my reactions than I am right now I will. But if I told myself that it was my emotion's fault I'd be doing myself and loved ones a disservice for sure. You can do this. I am sure your therapist would agree that you can learn to control your reactions to your strong emotions.

    I'm sorry you're feeling depressed!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to get to a doctor MD. talk therapy is not helping and these self destructive habits, thoughts etc could be helped with appropriate treatment. This dating situation will not rescue you from yourself.

    Bad relationships fraught with anxiety are not antidepressants, in fact this particular situation seems to exacerbate your problems.
    Originally Posted by MaggieMatsu
    I've not eaten in 9 days because my anxiety takes over and eating makes me feel ill, I'm not sleeping well at all and all the things I typically enjoy has lost all it's flavour - I simply find no joy in things while I'm feeling like this.
    Part of me is desperately hoping my relationship can be rescued as although I know 9 months isn't long.

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