Have you ever

Have you ever been attracted to someone and then something happens and you're just not anymore?

It's seriously the worst. Most recently happened to me with smoking.... I think I'm going to stop seeing an otherwise great guy, due to his smoking habit. I thought he only had an occasional smoke, maybe as many as a couple a day.

But the last time we got together, he smelled so bad. I asked, did you just have a ciggie? And he said "no. maybe it's my hat. it was in my car"

which I didn't really understand but I didn't know how to handle... I really thought 1. he stinks so bad I have to get away from him. 2. does he think I'm an idiot? he can just lie and I don't know he obviously smoked a lot in a closed in room or something....

it was such a turn off. he asked me why I seemed sad. I didn't have the heart to say "you freaking stink so bad!"

I think it was pretty obvious the chemistry was off.. After the date he let me know he got home but we haven't talked since (today is day 2)

I'm pretty bummed as I did like him and thought we were starting something nice. but I read this forum enough to know, can't change a person... and don't accept in the beginning what you can't live with later.... ugh

how about you guys? anyone relate?

I have met plenty of real good looking guys, but as soon as they opened their mouth to talk, they became the most unattractive man I have ever met. Those my dear are called deal breakers. And for you it's a guy that can't spend the time de-smoke himself before meeting you...that's frickin lazy and uncaring. I had guys that would shampoo their car, wash, bathe, cologne, mouthwash, themselves, buy new clothes, to make a good impression. That's the kind of guy you should be investing in.....a guy that gives a crap.

Of course! Think moments like this are more the rule than the exception, all things considered. Cigarette smoke is an easy culprit—generally really unattractive to non-smokers—but it could just as easily be replaced by an off-color joke that kills the buzz, or some gesture or another that sinks the fragile ship.

Example: I was seeing a woman for a few weeks a while back. She was cool, striking, we had great chemistry across the boards. I was excited! Then one day she asked to FaceTime me when she was in a different time zone. I was working, explained that, adding that I'm really not a fan of FaceTime, at all. In response—wanting to be cute, perhaps?—she explained that she'd had a glass of wine and was going to FaceTime me anyway. I didn't pick up. Text came in reading: "FaceTime Meeeeeeeeeee!" Followed by another call.

And, with that, my magnet was demagnetized. She was cool, smart, we had ferocious conversations and communicated quite well wordlessly. But alas: I don't like FaceTime, I don't like pushy people who think pushiness is cute. Ended it a day or two later. Was genuinely bummed, but a killed buzz is a killed buzz. Whatever I glimpsed there wasn't going anywhere, just like whatever you smelled the other day isn't vanishing anytime soon, if ever.

Funny epilogue: Maybe three weeks into dating my girlfriend of the past year I accidentally FaceTime'd her like 5 times in a row. I was on my motorcycle, phone in pocket, so it was a "thigh dial." Got home to a text from her asking if everything was okay. I explained what happened, adding that, wherever this goes, she could be assured that she will never get a FaceTime call. "Phew," she wrote. "I hate FaceTime." Gotta be honest about what's not working to make room for what does.

Maybe smoking, even casually, is a 100 percent deal breaker for you. Or maybe it's just this guy. Regardless, is what it is: never fun, always somewhat confounding, but a pretty universal turn of events in the experiment of early dating.

Yeah, the cigarettes smell nasty........I can't blame you for being turned off.

Cigarettes are a definite deal breaker. Ugh...the smell is pretty bad.

A deal breaker for me too.

I have met plenty of real good looking guys, but as soon as they opened their mouth to talk, they became the most unattractive man I have ever met. Those my dear are called deal breakers. And for you it's a guy that can't spend the time de-smoke himself before meeting you...that's frickin lazy and uncaring. I had guys that would shampoo their car, wash, bathe, cologne, mouthwash, themselves, buy new clothes, to make a good impression. That's the kind of guy you should be investing in.....a guy that gives a crap.

Thanks smackie... you make great point about the effort. I think that is really the point... how about some effort to be attractive at a barebones level: clean! lol

Of course! Think moments like this are more the rule than the exception, all things considered. Cigarette smoke is an easy culprit—generally really unattractive to non-smokers—but it could just as easily be replaced by an off-color joke that kills the buzz, or some gesture or another that sinks the fragile ship.

 

Example: I was seeing a woman for a few weeks a while back. She was cool, striking, we had great chemistry across the boards. I was excited! Then one day she asked to FaceTime me when she was in a different time zone. I was working, explained that, adding that I'm really not a fan of FaceTime, at all. In response—wanting to be cute, perhaps?—she explained that she'd had a glass of wine and was going to FaceTime me anyway. I didn't pick up. Text came in reading: "FaceTime Meeeeeeeeeee!" Followed by another call.

 

And, with that, my magnet was demagnetized. She was cool, smart, we had ferocious conversations and communicated quite well wordlessly. But alas: I don't like FaceTime, I don't like pushy people who think pushiness is cute. Ended it a day or two later. Was genuinely bummed, but a killed buzz is a killed buzz. Whatever I glimpsed there wasn't going anywhere, just like whatever you smelled the other day isn't vanishing anytime soon, if ever.

 

Funny epilogue: Maybe three weeks into dating my girlfriend of the past year I accidentally FaceTime'd her like 5 times in a row. I was on my motorcycle, phone in pocket, so it was a "thigh dial." Got home to a text from her asking if everything was okay. I explained what happened, adding that, wherever this goes, she could be assured that she will never get a FaceTime call. "Phew," she wrote. "I hate FaceTime." Gotta be honest about what's not working to make room for what does.

 

Maybe smoking, even casually, is a 100 percent deal breaker for you. Or maybe it's just this guy. Regardless, is what it is: never fun, always somewhat confounding, but a pretty universal turn of events in the experiment of early dating.

And you're exactly right, once the cat is out of bag or the buzz is killed, there's no going back.

Yeah, the cigarettes smell nasty........I can't blame you for being turned off.

who wants to snuggle up to stale old cigarette smell? not me. I was worried he was making my clothes stink. I wouldn't even sit close to him.

Guess I just assumed regular hygiene from the other dates! lol

Cigarettes are a definite deal breaker. Ugh...the smell is pretty bad.

A deal breaker for me too.

What was I thinking? lol.....It's totally against my lifestyle and values. o well live and learn

smoking is soooo bad for your health & expensive, I do question what are smokers thinking?

Smoking always was a dealbreaker. And I smoked for one year as a teenager. Still a dealbreaker after I quit. There's a guy who picks up his girlfriend's son at our school bus stop. Sometimes he is smoking and if not he always smells. I won't go near him.

Absolutely. Poor manners, lateness, too many personal issues, etc....

And, smoking would be a complete deal breaker for me.

Smoking always was a dealbreaker. And I smoked for one year as a teenager. Still a dealbreaker after I quit. There's a guy who picks up his girlfriend's son at our school bus stop. Sometimes he is smoking and if not he always smells. I won't go near him.

I smoked for years (stupid)! It is such a disgusting habit!! I have become higher-sensitive, where it closes me up. If I see folks on the sidewalk smoking I have to hold my breath when passing , and if someone sits down next to me, i have to move.

Of course! Think moments like this are more the rule than the exception, all things considered. Cigarette smoke is an easy culprit—generally really unattractive to non-smokers—but it could just as easily be replaced by an off-color joke that kills the buzz, or some gesture or another that sinks the fragile ship.

 

Example: I was seeing a woman for a few weeks a while back. She was cool, striking, we had great chemistry across the boards. I was excited! Then one day she asked to FaceTime me when she was in a different time zone. I was working, explained that, adding that I'm really not a fan of FaceTime, at all. In response—wanting to be cute, perhaps?—she explained that she'd had a glass of wine and was going to FaceTime me anyway. I didn't pick up. Text came in reading: "FaceTime Meeeeeeeeeee!" Followed by another call.

 

And, with that, my magnet was demagnetized. She was cool, smart, we had ferocious conversations and communicated quite well wordlessly. But alas: I don't like FaceTime, I don't like pushy people who think pushiness is cute. Ended it a day or two later. Was genuinely bummed, but a killed buzz is a killed buzz. Whatever I glimpsed there wasn't going anywhere, just like whatever you smelled the other day isn't vanishing anytime soon, if ever.

 

Funny epilogue: Maybe three weeks into dating my girlfriend of the past year I accidentally FaceTime'd her like 5 times in a row. I was on my motorcycle, phone in pocket, so it was a "thigh dial." Got home to a text from her asking if everything was okay. I explained what happened, adding that, wherever this goes, she could be assured that she will never get a FaceTime call. "Phew," she wrote. "I hate FaceTime." Gotta be honest about what's not working to make room for what does.

 

Maybe smoking, even casually, is a 100 percent deal breaker for you. Or maybe it's just this guy. Regardless, is what it is: never fun, always somewhat confounding, but a pretty universal turn of events in the experiment of early dating.

What is the problem with FT?

On the FT thing -sorry if off topic. I've been facetimed by my niece a few times and a newish friend. I didn't understand at all when my niece did it why it's ok to do that to someone without an advance plan. I did accept one of them. When the newish friend did it I thought it was kind of bizarre and I wasn't in any situation to facetime -and I mean, I wasn't dressed to be out in public, etc - that's how I felt about it. My niece tells me people do FT like that without advance planning. I'm not sure I could get used to that.

Have you ever been attracted to someone and then something happens and you're just not anymore?

For sure! Attraction is such a fragile thing, especially in the beginning.

I went on a date with a guy... fireman, super cute, great smile... first date was lots of good conversation and lasted for a few hours... we had chemistry and lots in common... second date was good until he started ranting about the mother of his children and what a horrible person she was... yep that killed it for me.

On the FT thing -sorry if off topic. I've been facetimed by my niece a few times and a newish friend. I didn't understand at all when my niece did it why it's ok to do that to someone without an advance plan. I did accept one of them. When the newish friend did it I thought it was kind of bizarre and I wasn't in any situation to facetime -and I mean, I wasn't dressed to be out in public, etc - that's how I felt about it. My niece tells me people do FT like that without advance planning. I'm not sure I could get used to that.

I do it with my BF every night before bed if we aren't together.... love seeing his face etc. as we are talking.

Otherwise I am not really into it as it's not a particularly convenient way of communicating.

On the FT thing -sorry if off topic. I've been facetimed by my niece a few times and a newish friend. I didn't understand at all when my niece did it why it's ok to do that to someone without an advance plan. I did accept one of them. When the newish friend did it I thought it was kind of bizarre and I wasn't in any situation to facetime -and I mean, I wasn't dressed to be out in public, etc - that's how I felt about it. My niece tells me people do FT like that without advance planning. I'm not sure I could get used to that.

I only FT when presentable. But it is a great option to see my friends who are long distance, as well as their kids and animals.

I do it with my BF every night before bed if we aren't together.... love seeing his face etc. as we are talking.

 

Otherwise I am not really into it as it's not a particularly convenient way of communicating.

Yes I can see that and would have done that when we were long distance (not even sure it was available nor did we have devices that would have allowed that) -and I've done it with my niece and my son so he can see her kids too, etc. I just do not like being randomly facetimed by someone I don't know very well just like I don't like the thought of someone just stopping by.

FT: I just don't enjoy it. I end up feeling like a 7 year old talking to grandma, or like grandpa talking to a 7 year old. Voices take on a slightly stilted, inauthentic tone, similar to AV club in middle school when we pre-adolescents did newscasts. We sounded like people pretending to be people. Just makes me feel weird. I'm not a million percent "against" it, but I'm not into it, particularly in the realm of dating. Few things make me—and this is just me—feel less connected to a person than FT.

My two cents.

Smoking: I love smoking—in theory. Used to smoke, loved it. I think cigarettes are, as an invention, pretty cool: the near perfect vice, like a martini or motorcycle. Ultimately decided it wasn't worth the health risks, but I don't have such a negative view of them. smoking. To each his/her own. In dating it probably wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, but a case-by-case assessment.

I feel for you as I don't like the smell of cigarette smoke either. You wear freshly washed clothes to a birthday party just for them to end up smelling like cigarettes. Quite annoying to be honest. Having said that, I could care less if others smoked as long as they do so outdoors and don't reek. I could care less about vaping as well, though I don't see the point to it nor does it entice me.

As for dating smokers goes, I used to not care (as long as they were occasional smokers that didn't stink) but nowadays I wouldn't like dating one.

You did the right thing. Going on dates and being observant. This way, a deal-breaker like this emerges before you go any further. Hopefully he ghosts but are you going to have the "we're not a match" talk if he contacts you?

I think I'm going to stop seeing an otherwise great guy, due to his smoking habit. After the date he let me know he got home but we haven't talked since

And he said "no. maybe it's my hat. it was in my car"

It's not just the smoking, it's the lying and taking you for a complete idiot. Kind of negates the whole great guy thing doesn't it? Great guys don't disrespect you like that.

That said, yes, I've been instantly turned off either by them opening their mouth and what comes out, certain other behaviors, how they treat people, how they talk about their friends or their job, smoking, cheating and bragging about it (yup had a guy bragging on how he cheated on his last gf and he was shocked I didn't want to see him again.....I had no words for the idiot on that), just so many things can come up.

Bottom line is that when someone has a deal breaker, they may be a good person, but they are not a good person for me and the latter is the only thing that matters. The world is full of good people, great people, even amazing people but compatibility is a separate issue and deal breakers make us incompatible and that's that. Game over.

You did the right thing. Going on dates and being observant. This way, a deal-breaker like this emerges before you go any further. Hopefully he ghosts but are you going to have the "we're not a match" talk if he contacts you?

I will say I think the smoking is a bigger deal to me than I thought and I felt like he tried to pretend he hadn't been smoking, when it was very obvious he was... like I'm stupid or something.

I can't let the misleading part slide, as that is also an issue. To your point about being observant and making good decisions, he also lied about his height on his dating profile. (which I have a theory, men lie about their height by 2 inches, unless over 6 ft. just a theory, that I have yet to see unproven, so don't yell at me haha)

but when I said, you are not 6 ft tall. he blew it off with a joke and said 'I'm a hair under 6ft'

ok... he's 5' 8 with shoes on, so I think he just lies because he"s not comfortable in his own skin or something.

Like lying, he somehow thinks it makes it true. ie I'm a hair under 6ft, I wasn't smoking, it's the hat....