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My mom and my girlfriend dislike each other - and it hurts me so much


Zugaard

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Few facts:

 

I am male: 26 years from Denmark

Girlfriend is female: 20 years from Kenya

My mom is 54 years old

 

First of all, TL;DR version:

 

My girlfriend feels unseen and excluded by my mom (and I see the same as she does). My mom claims she has already tried to approach her, and she also sees me as her beloved son, and mostly my girlfriend as a stranger. My other family members are good at seeing us equally when we visit, in a way that really makes my girlfriend feel comfortable around them. But my mom is very different. Now I am in bad terms with my mom for criticizing her. At the same time, my girlfriend doesn't like my mom, and says she won't visit her again. Being in between really hurts, because I obviously want all of us to be in good terms with each other.

 

 

Longer version:

 

Imagine two people who see things completely different from each other. At the same time, they really stick to their perspective, and are unable to see things from the other persons perspective. And if you try to talk to them about it, they will get really angry and deny to even talk about it. That's the situation I am in.

 

Background:

 

I am a student, who lives a 2 hours drive away from my mom's place, and I am on my 2nd year out of 5 years on my current education. My girlfriend is from Kenya. I met her in March 2019 when I was on an internship in Kenya, as a part of my education. Since then 7 months passed, where we could only communicate through WhatsApp, until she finally came here on a tourist visa in November. We have now stayed together for two months in my place, out of three. She will leave on February 17th. But of course, we have plans for a future together, and I will be visiting her in Kenya in my holidays, while she will visit me in Denmark too as an au pair if possible... But for now, we have one month left together in Denmark, until she travels back.

 

The problem:

 

While she has been here, we have been travelling around i the country to visit my family and other close relations I have here. We have been staying five days at my dad's place, and my girlfriend really likes my dad. He is also good at approaching her, and including her in the companionship. When we visit, my dad sees both of us equally, which is something both me and her really like. We have also been visiting my dad's wife shortly, who was very welcoming, and my dad's sister, whom my girlfriend also started liking fast. Not soon after even meeting her, my dad's sister was eager to take selfies with her, and gave her hugs and stuff. Honestly, I see why she likes those people a lot. They really approach her well, and include her good. Then the problem comes when we visit my mom. Because she is different. She sees me a lot as her beloved son, and then my girlfriend is kind of like a stranger to her, that I just brought with me. It's not like my mom doesn't approach my girlfriend, but she doesn't approach her as much as the other people in my family do.

This often leads to a circle of bad events. Because when my girlfriend feels uncomfortable and unwelcome somewhere, she becomes silent. And silence is my mom's biggest pet peeve. My mom expects her visitors to show gratitude and interest of being there. So when she sees a silent person who doesn't seem engaged in being a visitor, she feels as if it's too much for her to handle, and she kind of gives up trying to approach that person.

 

Yesterday, things really went too far. We were visiting my mom during the weekend, and it seemed from both my perspective and my mom's perspective, that she didn't see my girlfriend even being there. At the dinner table, she conversated with me, while my girlfriend was sitting there also, just being silent. And yes, there are always to sides of a case. I also think my girlfriend could have done something to take part in the conversation, but I also understand how it was difficult for her to know what to say, when she already felt excluded... And then when we were about to leave, my mom asked me in Danish to give her a hug, so she received a hug from me, while my girlfriend was standing next to us, not receiving a hug from my mom.

 

After we went, my girlfriend felt really bad. She told me she felt excluded and not welcome in my mom's home. And I really felt the same feeling as her. After the 2 hour drive home to my place, I then called my mom, and explained the issue to her. I knew it would be a tough conversation to have with her, because I would have to criticize her, and compare her to my dad and my dad's sister. So I tried as much as I could to explain these things to her in a humble way. Unfortunately it didn't end well at all. My mom denied excluding my girlfriend in anyway, and defended herself a lot saying she had really tried to approach her with questions, but getting almost no response back, feeling like she couldn't keep on trying, putting the responsibility on my girlfriend for having to pull herself together and talk to her instead. About the hug, she excused it with me being her son, and my girlfriend not being a person who had such a close relation to - and that it would be uncomfortable for her to hug my girlfriend because of that. My mom got really angry with me in that phone call, and said she felt provoked by me.

 

Meanwhile, my girlfriend is really feeling bad. She says she doesn't like my mom, and she doesn't want to visit her again before she leaves. All of this hurts me SO much. Now I am in bad terms with my mom, and at the same time, my girlfriend feels so bad, that she doesn't even want to talk. She doesn't want me close to her.

 

So all in all, I do understand both perspectives, and my wish is to make them both understand each other better, instead of just denying that they could be missing something. I understand how my mom finds it uncomfortable to be faced with a silent stranger in her home that does nothing to open herself up to her. I also understand my girlfriend's silence, because of how she feels unseen and excluded in my mom's home. Personally, I think it is my mom's responsibility to take the first step, and approach her well in a non-judging way. I know she would claim that she already tried, but I honestly feel like she could at least do a bigger effort than what she did already, when compared to my dad and my dad's sister. Because afterall, my girlfriend is the guest.

 

And despite my girlfriend being the guest, I also still think that she should be trying more to make friends with my mom, and taking some initiative to open herself up to her, even if she has to start it. Sometimes, life isn't fair, and I have also been forgiving people without an apology before, in order to get the best out of the bigger picture. But as much as my mom denies to change anything, so does my girlfriend. This leaves me truly helpless

 

Does anybody have an advice??

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Relax. They do not have to like each other for your benefit. They both need to respect you and each other but that is it. There are most likely some cultural and perhaps language subtleties that take some time getting used to. The more you force it the worse it will get. Let them simply warm up to each other at their own pace and do not allow your gf to pressure you.

 

Your gf would benefit from some explanations about Danish culture. She seems overwhelmed. Some cultures are not as touchy or physically demonstrative with strangers. Tell your gf to stop taking everything so personally. If she wants to get a job in Denmark she will have to understand the cultural nuances a bit better. As far as your mother, just relax and stop making an issue out of everything. Let people feel and think whatever they want. Do not play referee.

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Sorry if this is a bad question, but is your Mum racist by any chance? Maybe I'm just making an assumption...I'm originally from Eastern Europe and my parents lived most of their life in a white communist country. They're quite racist and against me dating people of colour...Anyway enough about me. Sorry if I offended anyone...Just to add though, I date people of all cultural backgrounds and I don't care what my parents think.

 

I'm not really sure why your Mum would take a dislike to your girlfriend...Obviously there is nothing wrong with her because your Dad and Aunt really like her, and she likes them. So around them she doesn't seem to have trouble and getting along. In that sense I'm inclined to guess that yes your mother is the issue. I don't understand why you only visit your Mum together with your girlfriend though? You can't at least sometimes go alone?

 

I'm just guessing but maybe your mother is annoyed that you always bring your girlfriend along? She didn't see you for a long time while you were in Kenya and now she probably wants to spend as much time as possible with you alone. Maybe she's also jealous that her "baby boy" has grown up and found a woman. Seriously, some mothers get jealous about that!

 

Another reason might be that maybe your mother actually expects that your girlfriend, as a guest, will start conversations and make an effort. Does your girlfriend wait for other people to reach out first? Like, did she wait for your Dad and his sister to start including her first?

 

I think that unfortunately your girlfriend will have to get over that she doesn't like your Mum and she will have to be polite. She's your Mum and she will always be there. They don't have to like each other, but they need to be polite and try to get along for your sake. Your girlfriend has to do this too, not just your Mum. She also has responsibility if she wants your relationship to work out.

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I'd tell Mom that being unkind to my GF is the perfect way to see less of me rather than more of me, and if she ever decides to offer GF kindness, she can let me know. Until then, I won't be visiting home if it interferes with the time I can spend with GF. We'll just visit with her family, instead.

 

Then this is done unless and until Mom is willing to do her part. If she tells you that she is, then I'd propose to GF that Mom has had a change of heart, and I'd ask whether she's willing to give Mom a chance with another visit. If not, then you'll need to decide whether a GF who won't do her part to integrate with your family is one that you're willing to keep.

 

The only thing we can do is let others know what we want. If they won't comply, then we get to decide how much interaction we choose with them. While I wouldn't tolerate rude behavior from family toward anyone I choose to expose to them, I also wouldn't view anyone unwilling to try with my family as someone I'm willing to keep in my life.

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I'm on the Mom's side here.

 

She had this girl over, she made dinner for you both. She talked about different things while she was there. She was respectful.

It sounds fair to me.

 

Your girlfriend is expecting too much. Not everyone is going to be jumping all over her. Your mom sounds set in her ways, and that's just fine. She doesn't have to change to please your girlfriend.

She's been respectful to your girlfriend by the sounds of it. She just isn't being as engaging as your girlfriend wants and that's not fair.

 

Keep in mind that your girlfriend is still a stranger to your mom and you two have not dated long.

They also have different ways and different expectations.

 

So be it.

They don't have to like each other and your girlfriend doesn't have to keep on like she is.

She can go see your mother for YOUR sake and being respectful...for YOUR sake.

It's not like you're asking her to live with your mom, it's only a meal now and then.

 

If she's unwilling to do that and she keeps complaining then I would say it's your girlfriend who is causing problems.

Last point, your mom doesn't have to like her. It's not expected. Some people just don't get on. All she has to do is be polite and accept her into her home for meals and visits, which sounds like she has been.

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I think that unfortunately your girlfriend will have to get over that she doesn't like your Mum and she will have to be polite. She's your Mum and she will always be there. They don't have to like each other, but they need to be polite and try to get along for your sake. Your girlfriend has to do this too, not just your Mum. She also has responsibility if she wants your relationship to work out.

 

100% agree.

You girlfriend needs to stop focusing on how your mom behaves and expecting her to be a certain way. As long as the mom is having you both over, that's good enough.

She hasn't been rude to your girlfriend (trust me, family members can be downright mean at times) your girlfriend hasn't had barely anything to complain about.

She should just accept that your mom isn't like your Dad or his sister. She'll just have to be okay with that.

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From what you are describing, your gf is being rude, entitled and creating drama. Quite manipulative to pit you against your mother. I don't see where your mother is being rude to your gf. Quite the opposite, she opened her home to your gf, cooks meals, etc. Your gf is not making any effort to be civil and when she isn't the center of attention, she is playing games with your head about it. Hope you like drama because if you stick around with this girl you are going to be in for a lot of that.

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I think your girlfriend needs to make an effort to have a pleasant demeanor and approachable body language - she's probably not just silent -she probably has a sullen/cold look to her too. She doesn't need to be chatty but she needs to make an effort to be part of the gathering if she's going to sit at the table or in the same room as the other people.

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How long have you been dating this princess that likes people who take superficial selfies with her but who sits like a stone expecting to be included in on everything as if she's been in the family for years?

 

I'm also on the Mom's side here if it went down exactly as you say. You were there for goodness sakes, DID your mother try to engage your girlfriend but she was either standoffish or just shy? If she was just shy then YOU should have tried to include her more in getting more comfortable with your mother and your mother her... if she was just standoffish and wasn't engaged in your mom's attempts then she's the Princess I'm assuming she is being.

 

IMO there is no reason for you to tell your mother that you won't visit until she is more accommodating but rather you should tell your girlfriend that she shouldn't try to separate you and your mother but see how it goes if she is more open and she herself offers a hug to her (perhaps) future mother in law instead of just EXPECTING to get one from her.

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I can see both sides, however what often happens is Mom feels threatened that another woman has the potential to become #1 in her son's life. It doesn't mean she's being evil, etc. I have been there, done that and over time she is now my MIL whom is like a best friend.

 

JMO, I'm sure some will disagree with my opinion, and that's okay.

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I can see both sides, however what often happens is Mom feels threatened that another woman has the potential to become #1 in her son's life. It doesn't mean she's being evil, etc. I have been there, done that and over time she is now my MIL whom is like a best friend.

 

For sure. Things take time for adjustments. It's not easy. These two have only been dating 7 months and mom has only met the girl a few times.

Not long enough to decide if they won't get on, in my opinion.

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I may be being rigid on this but I think that after only 7 months and not spending a lot of time with her boyfriends mother, this girl is being over-the-top in her stance that she no longer wants to visit his mother with him. If she starts this now before they actually get to know one another then she will be putting a great wedge between her boyfriend and his mother... Somehow the OP needs to convince his girlfriend to let go of HER rigidity and chill out. Op has to make a better effort to get them to engage with one another with open minds and not any preconceived ideas about one another.

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My thoughts too. I felt the girlfriend was burning bridges far too early and making demands far too early.

 

In my opinion, she's not being fair and is expecting people to behave how she deems appropriate. Not fair.

 

I can't count the number of times my husband has sat and chatted with his parents about different things, or people that I did not know. It didn't even occur to me to be offended.

I know they are family and I can't be included in every single chat that happens. Nor do I expect to be. I just sit and am happy to be with them.

Especially early on, they didn't hardly know me or me them...everyone is awkward and getting to know one another.

 

I feel the girlfriend is expecting way too much too soon. As for hugs..that is something I can't say everyone is comfortable with. Lots are not. That should also not be taken offensively. She's new to the situation. The mother should be able to hug her son and not get flack for not giving this girl a hug too.

 

7 months is too early on. I feel bad for the boyfriend who felt forced to go talk to the mother and awkwardly tell her to behave differently. Not a nice conversation at all, nor is it necessary this early on.

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Mom was there first, so your GF needs to make an effort to fit in with your mother. I have to say lots of moms are like that. The GF has to earn her respect first and foremost just the way it is....she needs to set a good impression. So little miss princess needs to step down off that pedestal and make the best with your mother. AND YOU need to express to her how her attitude is hurting this whole situation. It may not go down right with her to pick your mom's side, but it is what it is. She has to put her best foot forward.

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Thank you all, for your very meaningful contributions. You all have interesting perspectives, and it has kind of also changed mine. In the beginning, I was very much on my girlfriend's side, and when I called my mom, I stick to that. As I have been reflecting upon this whole case with time, I am starting to see how my girlfriend also should try to calm herself down, and realize that my mom isn't actually being rude to her. Just that she's not as comfortable with new people as my dad and his sister is... That people are different... Some become immediate friends... Others feel much closer to their own family. Which is okay... And my girlfriend needs to be okay with that too, without feeling so bad around my mom.

 

So, I still understand my girlfriend's perspective. Sure there is truly a difference between how comfortable my dad and his sister is with her, despite almost not knowing her, compared to my mom. And maybe it's a bit of a shame she got too much used to that, and now starting to compare my mom to them. I understand my girlfriend's feelings. And I am hoping she at least will see that I can understand her, but also know that she is making up the thoughts of my mom disliking her in her head. Hmm...

 

This relationship is difficult. Currently we are having a big drama about something else, but I have a feeling that the main cause of this, is still because of the issue with my mom... Thanks for all your inputs. I might be returning to this thread with updates on the case :smug:

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Thank you all, for your very meaningful contributions. You all have interesting perspectives, and it has kind of also changed mine. In the beginning, I was very much on my girlfriend's side, and when I called my mom, I stick to that. As I have been reflecting upon this whole case with time, I am starting to see how my girlfriend also should try to calm herself down, and realize that my mom isn't actually being rude to her. Just that she's not as comfortable with new people as my dad and his sister is... That people are different... Some become immediate friends... Others feel much closer to their own family. Which is okay... And my girlfriend needs to be okay with that too, without feeling so bad around my mom.

 

So, I still understand my girlfriend's perspective. Sure there is truly a difference between how comfortable my dad and his sister is with her, despite almost not knowing her, compared to my mom. And maybe it's a bit of a shame she got too much used to that, and now starting to compare my mom to them. I understand my girlfriend's feelings. And I am hoping she at least will see that I can understand her, but also know that she is making up the thoughts of my mom disliking her in her head. Hmm...

 

This relationship is difficult. Currently we are having a big drama about something else, but I have a feeling that the main cause of this, is still because of the issue with my mom... Thanks for all your inputs. I might be returning to this thread with updates on the case :smug:

 

You appear to be a smart person who is willing to logic things out and not just act on emotional response which is a sign of your maturity. Yes, please keep us updated on things with this girlfriend. I have a feeling she's not going to view on this as logically as you have.

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Yeah, it can be hard to explain things to her logically, and make her see the bigger picture. I have quite a task in front of me... But it's a responsibility I must take...

 

No, I'm sorry but that's not a responsibility you should be taking with anyone. Your responsibility is to recognize when a person you are involved with may be too much your opposite. Opposites attract but then they fight. It is never ever your responsibility to teach or parent another human being. At 20 years old, overall she is too young and too immature for a serious relationship. Generally, 6 years might not seem like a lot, but at your particular stage in life, 6 years is a huge difference in both, maturity and life experience.

 

Bottom line, never get into a relationship where you start having to change the person you are with. Either the drama works for you or it doesn't and you step away. There is no "my responsibility to make her see." You don't control what someone chooses to see and you can never ever change a person's temperament and personality overall. If they are liable to react to life a certain way, it's not going to change no matter how much you reason with them.

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I think it comes down to this:

 

"This often leads to a circle of bad events. Because when my girlfriend feels uncomfortable and unwelcome somewhere, she becomes silent. And silence is my mom's biggest pet peeve. My mom expects her visitors to show gratitude and interest of being there. So when she sees a silent person who doesn't seem engaged in being a visitor, she feels as if it's too much for her to handle, and she kind of gives up trying to approach that person."

 

I don't think either party is really in the wrong - they just have personalities that clash. They may eventually get used to each other given more time, but it will probably take some effort on both their parts. Your job is to translate as best as possible: "Mom, my girlfriend is just a bit shy around you. Don't take offense if she is quiet". "Girlfriend, my mom welcomes you, she just doesn't know how to talk to you yet. Shall we go over some topics beforehand so we can be more proactive in communication?"

Your girlfriend is being a little unreasonable in saying she won't see her any more, though it's an understandable reaction to a rough first meet. Hopefully she is not adamant about that.

 

Ultimately they just might not ever like each other, but they will love you enough to keep trying. Best case, this was just an awkward early meeting and as they become less than strangers they get along better.

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Yeah, it can be hard to explain things to her logically, and make her see the bigger picture. I have quite a task in front of me... But it's a responsibility I must take...

Well, I think before you give up and just concede that she is not compatible that you do your part in making her see that, at this point, she could possibly try to be a bit more outgoing and engaging with your mom and if after trying, she still feels unwelcome and you see that your mother has been trying to make her feel comfortable and your g/f still feels she won't be going with you to visit your mom.. then would be the time to contemplate if you are with the right person and make a decision. Right now, I agree that you have a task on your hands to at least try to make her see the bigger picture. Afterall, I think we all should at least have the opportunity to remedy.

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Hi guys, just an update:

 

I have talked to my mom again, after having a change of heart about the whole situation. I have made it clear to her, that I wasn't quite seeing the bigger picture at first, and I also apologized for the first conversation I had with her. I am not saying this in a way of me having changed sides, more as me seeing the bigger picture. As a reference to the title of this thread. It's not true that they dislike each other. My mom doesn't dislike my girlfriend. She is only feeling awkward about her silence behavior... I am in good terms with my mom now.

 

About my girlfriend, we are in good terms and have been for a long time now. But I haven't brought up the talk with her about my mom since. Eventually I might have to, and we will see what happens. But all in all, the situation is a lot better now.

 

I will update this thread...

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Okay Zuggaard..remember this update.

 

I am glad you're on good terms with your mom, she sounds like a nice lady. But you don't feel comfortable talking to the girlfriend about the situation and aren't sure how things will go despite your mother telling you that she does not dislike the girlfriend, just doesn't know how to deal with the silence...which to be honest is fair. I don't think many would know how to deal with silence.

 

Bottom line is, your mom's not the problem in my opinion. She is trying. She's been honest with you. And she's willing to continue trying.You and she get along.

So if things go badly once more, then I think you need to look and see that it's your girlfriend who is poisoning the waters here.

I know you think you're in love and do not want to hear it. But I think many posters have pointed it out to you.

I hope your girlfriend behaves herself and can be more adult next time around and much more courteous to your mother since your mother is the elder and your girlfriend needs to respect that.

 

Thank you for updating. I hope for your sake that things continue to improve.

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Excellent. The best approach is to build bridges not walls. Good job.

I have made it clear to her, that I wasn't quite seeing the bigger picture at first, and I also apologized for the first conversation I had with her.

About my girlfriend, we are in good terms and have been for a long time now. But all in all, the situation is a lot better now.

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