Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 33

Thread: My mom and my girlfriend dislike each other - and it hurts me so much

  1. #11
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    16,899
    Gender
    Female
    I can see both sides, however what often happens is Mom feels threatened that another woman has the potential to become #1 in her son's life. It doesn't mean she's being evil, etc. I have been there, done that and over time she is now my MIL whom is like a best friend.

    JMO, I'm sure some will disagree with my opinion, and that's okay.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    6,244
    I can see both sides, however what often happens is Mom feels threatened that another woman has the potential to become #1 in her son's life. It doesn't mean she's being evil, etc. I have been there, done that and over time she is now my MIL whom is like a best friend.
    For sure. Things take time for adjustments. It's not easy. These two have only been dating 7 months and mom has only met the girl a few times.
    Not long enough to decide if they won't get on, in my opinion.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,356
    Gender
    Female
    I may be being rigid on this but I think that after only 7 months and not spending a lot of time with her boyfriends mother, this girl is being over-the-top in her stance that she no longer wants to visit his mother with him. If she starts this now before they actually get to know one another then she will be putting a great wedge between her boyfriend and his mother... Somehow the OP needs to convince his girlfriend to let go of HER rigidity and chill out. Op has to make a better effort to get them to engage with one another with open minds and not any preconceived ideas about one another.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    6,244
    My thoughts too. I felt the girlfriend was burning bridges far too early and making demands far too early.

    In my opinion, she's not being fair and is expecting people to behave how she deems appropriate. Not fair.

    I can't count the number of times my husband has sat and chatted with his parents about different things, or people that I did not know. It didn't even occur to me to be offended.
    I know they are family and I can't be included in every single chat that happens. Nor do I expect to be. I just sit and am happy to be with them.
    Especially early on, they didn't hardly know me or me them...everyone is awkward and getting to know one another.

    I feel the girlfriend is expecting way too much too soon. As for hugs..that is something I can't say everyone is comfortable with. Lots are not. That should also not be taken offensively. She's new to the situation. The mother should be able to hug her son and not get flack for not giving this girl a hug too.

    7 months is too early on. I feel bad for the boyfriend who felt forced to go talk to the mother and awkwardly tell her to behave differently. Not a nice conversation at all, nor is it necessary this early on.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    1,555
    Gender
    Female
    Mom was there first, so your GF needs to make an effort to fit in with your mother. I have to say lots of moms are like that. The GF has to earn her respect first and foremost just the way it is....she needs to set a good impression. So little miss princess needs to step down off that pedestal and make the best with your mother. AND YOU need to express to her how her attitude is hurting this whole situation. It may not go down right with her to pick your mom's side, but it is what it is. She has to put her best foot forward.

  7. #16

    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Age
    26
    Posts
    4
    Gender
    Male
    Thank you all, for your very meaningful contributions. You all have interesting perspectives, and it has kind of also changed mine. In the beginning, I was very much on my girlfriend's side, and when I called my mom, I stick to that. As I have been reflecting upon this whole case with time, I am starting to see how my girlfriend also should try to calm herself down, and realize that my mom isn't actually being rude to her. Just that she's not as comfortable with new people as my dad and his sister is... That people are different... Some become immediate friends... Others feel much closer to their own family. Which is okay... And my girlfriend needs to be okay with that too, without feeling so bad around my mom.

    So, I still understand my girlfriend's perspective. Sure there is truly a difference between how comfortable my dad and his sister is with her, despite almost not knowing her, compared to my mom. And maybe it's a bit of a shame she got too much used to that, and now starting to compare my mom to them. I understand my girlfriend's feelings. And I am hoping she at least will see that I can understand her, but also know that she is making up the thoughts of my mom disliking her in her head. Hmm...

    This relationship is difficult. Currently we are having a big drama about something else, but I have a feeling that the main cause of this, is still because of the issue with my mom... Thanks for all your inputs. I might be returning to this thread with updates on the case

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,356
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Zugaard
    Thank you all, for your very meaningful contributions. You all have interesting perspectives, and it has kind of also changed mine. In the beginning, I was very much on my girlfriend's side, and when I called my mom, I stick to that. As I have been reflecting upon this whole case with time, I am starting to see how my girlfriend also should try to calm herself down, and realize that my mom isn't actually being rude to her. Just that she's not as comfortable with new people as my dad and his sister is... That people are different... Some become immediate friends... Others feel much closer to their own family. Which is okay... And my girlfriend needs to be okay with that too, without feeling so bad around my mom.

    So, I still understand my girlfriend's perspective. Sure there is truly a difference between how comfortable my dad and his sister is with her, despite almost not knowing her, compared to my mom. And maybe it's a bit of a shame she got too much used to that, and now starting to compare my mom to them. I understand my girlfriend's feelings. And I am hoping she at least will see that I can understand her, but also know that she is making up the thoughts of my mom disliking her in her head. Hmm...

    This relationship is difficult. Currently we are having a big drama about something else, but I have a feeling that the main cause of this, is still because of the issue with my mom... Thanks for all your inputs. I might be returning to this thread with updates on the case
    You appear to be a smart person who is willing to logic things out and not just act on emotional response which is a sign of your maturity. Yes, please keep us updated on things with this girlfriend. I have a feeling she's not going to view on this as logically as you have.

  9. #18

    Join Date
    Jan 2020
    Age
    26
    Posts
    4
    Gender
    Male
    Yeah, it can be hard to explain things to her logically, and make her see the bigger picture. I have quite a task in front of me... But it's a responsibility I must take...

  10. #19
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,303
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Zugaard
    Yeah, it can be hard to explain things to her logically, and make her see the bigger picture. I have quite a task in front of me... But it's a responsibility I must take...
    No, I'm sorry but that's not a responsibility you should be taking with anyone. Your responsibility is to recognize when a person you are involved with may be too much your opposite. Opposites attract but then they fight. It is never ever your responsibility to teach or parent another human being. At 20 years old, overall she is too young and too immature for a serious relationship. Generally, 6 years might not seem like a lot, but at your particular stage in life, 6 years is a huge difference in both, maturity and life experience.

    Bottom line, never get into a relationship where you start having to change the person you are with. Either the drama works for you or it doesn't and you step away. There is no "my responsibility to make her see." You don't control what someone chooses to see and you can never ever change a person's temperament and personality overall. If they are liable to react to life a certain way, it's not going to change no matter how much you reason with them.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,159
    I think it comes down to this:

    "This often leads to a circle of bad events. Because when my girlfriend feels uncomfortable and unwelcome somewhere, she becomes silent. And silence is my mom's biggest pet peeve. My mom expects her visitors to show gratitude and interest of being there. So when she sees a silent person who doesn't seem engaged in being a visitor, she feels as if it's too much for her to handle, and she kind of gives up trying to approach that person."

    I don't think either party is really in the wrong - they just have personalities that clash. They may eventually get used to each other given more time, but it will probably take some effort on both their parts. Your job is to translate as best as possible: "Mom, my girlfriend is just a bit shy around you. Don't take offense if she is quiet". "Girlfriend, my mom welcomes you, she just doesn't know how to talk to you yet. Shall we go over some topics beforehand so we can be more proactive in communication?"
    Your girlfriend is being a little unreasonable in saying she won't see her any more, though it's an understandable reaction to a rough first meet. Hopefully she is not adamant about that.

    Ultimately they just might not ever like each other, but they will love you enough to keep trying. Best case, this was just an awkward early meeting and as they become less than strangers they get along better.

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •