What do I do in this situation in your opinion? (A conflict between two friends)

So I've weathered a lot of falling outs among friends over the years, and I've always had the policy that I invite both people to the parties that I throw if I'd normally invite them. If one or both choose not to come, so be it. Then, I'd hang out with them one on one if we would normally do so, and I try as much as possible to avoid getting involved in conflicts that don't involve me. I am deeply uncomfortable at the thought of purposely ostracizing someone as I know how much that would hurt me, and I would never want to be a bully in any way.

So with this in mind, I have two people who have recently ended their friendship. My friend, H, I consider a very good friend. He's always been kind and loving to me, and I see him regularly at craft nights, book club, game nights, etc. In addition to that because we are aware that he isn't close with his family, my family has invited him to a lot of our holiday events. So in a way he's family. Then we have K. She's always been sweet to me as well. I consider her more of a friendly acquaintance though I am aware that she would like to be better friends and she has become extremely good friends with one of my best friends, V. H was roommates with K for a couple years and their time as roommates ended up destroying their friendship(they had been friends since high school). I think that there wasn't great behavior on either side, but I don't know the truth of what happened, and I've mostly avoided hearing details from either side. I do know from V that K felt that he'd been verbally abusive to her when they were roommates. I also know that H was under a lot of stress because he was supporting K financially and in other ways (she isn't able to work and doesn't drive), and he got injured during their time as roommates and was in very real danger of losing his job and home (and had stopped getting paid while on medical leave).

So after they stopped being roommates K was avoiding H. I had noticed K didn't come to things when I invited her but she's never really been a regular attendee to big parties anyways so I didn't think much of it. But I started hearing stirrings of drama here and there about things going on in her life that I wasn't allowed to mention to H and finally she sent him a message ending their friendship officially. That is certainly her right especially if she felt that it was a toxic relationship, but now my friend group at large is in a really awkward situation. My friend V was also roommates with H for a few months where he was living on her couch and that time together also soured their relationship for various reasons. So V has been distancing herself from H to some degree as well at least on a one on one basis, and V and I are the planners for all events among our friends pretty much.

So as it stands, if I invite H to an event, I know that K won't come. H does not feel the same and would be fine going to events that K is in. This was already mentally a difficult situation for me, but recently in two separate cases I was faced with making decisions that go against my usual behavior, and I don't know if I acted rightly or how to act in the future.

So, I had an idea for a 20s themed murder mystery night to celebrate 2020 and I mentioned that I'd like to throw one to my friend, V and I requested that we do it at her house cause I thought it would be fun to do as a girl's night thing and we usually do girl's nights at her house. Now, when I have girls events I do sometimes invite H as he tends to be rather gender fluid though V doesn't usually invite him to the girls events she has at her house. It was a non-issue at the beginning as H works Saturdays and we invited K to the event. Well, H left his job a week before the party and was suddenly off that Saturday and he knew about it cause I'd been excited about it and had been talking about it. So he asked if he could come, and I knew if I invited him K wouldn't come and I couldn't invite him cause it was V's house even if it was technically both V and I's party. I just felt so awful cause I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what the right thing to do was anymore.

Then, things got worse this weekend. Our mutual friend, A, who is in our book club and is a high school friend of V's was having a bday party this weekend that I was throwing for her at my house and planning the activities and stuff for and she didn't invite H because she was inviting K. I hadn't really realized this consciously, so I was talking to her about it at a little movie night I was throwing where H was in attendance. Anyways, H asked if he could come to her bday party and A told him she had invited K and she couldn't invite him which good on her for being honest about it, but I felt awful once again. Like, I've invited him to several upcoming events and I even planned a little drama night with just him, my sister, and another friend. However, it's still a fact that I am involved in events that he is being specifically not invited too. I know he's sad. I know he feels left out. I just don't know what the right path is here.

I also don't feel comfortable either taking sides (despite being way closer friends with H) or being anyone's confidante. I just want to be left out of it and continue to try to make things fun for everyone. Right now, I'm just gonna try to continue inviting H to most events I throw and V will have events that have K and not H to balance things out. The hard events are going to be the ones V and I plan together. Do you think it's a morally sound decision or do you have any advice for this situation?

(Bonus awkwardness is that my sister, who I am very close too, is becoming H's confidante for this situation so I am learning about his feelings to some degree from her which is intensifying my stress and guilt about it.)

I'm sorry, but you and your friends sound like a bunch of school kids where there is loads of drama.

It's a shame adults can't work out their problems and drag others into it. But seeing as this is what they are choosing to do, I would either not invite any of them or I would stop planning events altogether as all you are doing is becoming part of the problem and someone is getting hurt.

Yes, events are nice, but not when you have this many problems. Keep the planning to a one on one basis or at the most a couple friends and stop with the big events that keep leaving someone out...it's not worth it and it's hurting people.

Bottom line, if this many friends of yours are fighting, then stop planning events. Simple.

I agree with Sherry.

This is a whole lot of drama for a group of adults. You all sound over-involved in each others' issues.

You all sound over-involved in each others' issues

Seriously though. Lots of drama queens and gossips forcing people to take sides or talking about one another.

If H and K had a fight or H and King kong had a fight...no one should be involved but H and King kong nor should they be immature enough to bring others into it and make everyone aware.

As adults, it should be their own problem to sort out.

Not great that they put their problems onto others and complain and ask for this one and that one to not be invited. Sigh.

You are the hostess and you have every right to host parties if you want to. Let these warring parties know in advance who was invited and let them decide whether to accept or decline your invitation. Remain prepared regarding who are attendees and who will be no-shows. Or, if guests accept your invitations, be prepared for awkwardness and in the worst case scenarios, erupted arguments which could end up becoming explosive and embarrassing. Don't force these social gatherings when you know the outcome could very well be dicey and very uncomfortable for everyone. This would be senseless.

Since there is so much co-mingling, it boils down to your discretion and remaining loyal to each friend with the strictest confidence. Never gossip nor bad mouth anyone whether verbally or in written form especially electronically as it all can be copied and forwarded so beware and be smart. Play it safe otherwise no one will trust you anymore which will cause estrangement.

I agree with others. Focus on 1:1 socializing with individual friends as opposed to lumping them together which is inconsiderate.

If you have other friends, deliberately uninvite certain friends who are enemies to each other and let them know that they were excluded for that reason. Be honest so no one feels slighted. Have your "safe" friends at your parties and keep it pleasant and easy. It's complicated but at least it will be a party minus high school drama.

I'm in a similar situation. I grudgingly attend several obligatory family holiday gatherings and reunions against my will for the sake of peace for my children and everyone else including in-laws. I don't enjoy it. However, I think of the good of the whole, try my best to be a good sport as opposed to being a pouty party pooper. I simply get the torture over and done with. If I had my druthers, I prefer to bow out and remain at home instead. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that not everyone is willing to attend gatherings just to appease you.

You are the hostess and you have every right to host parties if you want to

Oh for sure, but I'd go back to the quote.."How's that working out for ya?" Seems like fights and more upsets. Host as many parties as you like, but if your friends are going to continue fighting each other or being hurt or upset...then you will continue being in the middle of it and having to tell one no and leave people out and so on.

Meeting H for coffee and K for dinner without adding in loads of others so none of them feel left out, sounds the most logic.

Not many options left when what you've been doing isn't working.

Actually I would do exactly the same thing as you, OP. I would continue to invite both people because I wouldn't want to seem like I'm betraying either of them. In all honesty, if they don't want to come because of the other person, that's just too bad. I'd gone to parties where there were people I'd had a falling out with and I just acted polite. I just talked to other people and we were civil to each other. That's the mature thing to do. If your friend K doesn't want to step up and just act polite, that's her choice. If she prefers not to go to these events then that's her decision and she can do that. I think H is the more mature one because he said he would still go to these events even if K was there. My advice is don't worry about it. Just continue to invite them both when YOU are the host. If other people are the host then it's up to them if they want to exclude H or whatever. You can't actually control that.

Stay neutral. That is the best course.

The best navigation method for awkward friend, family and colleague situations is called 'stupid and cheerful,' coined by Dr. Joy Browne. It says to everyone up front, "We can speak of any subject in the world except for anyone we know who's not here to defend themselves." If avoids conflict by failing to acknowledge it or engage it. It invites everyone you want to any events YOU host on neutral ground, but it defers any other inviting to those hosting an event on THEIR property. It says to questioners, "That's not my invitation to extend, so you may want to ask the host."

Bottom line: stay out of it, and don't engage it. What others do is on them. Feeling badly about others' business makes no sense because it assumes responsibility for other adults, and that's not helpful to anyone.

Stay out of it, and invite who you want to invite.

How old is everyone? These folks sound immature and dramatic!

Why was H supporting K? Why are people sleeping on couches? Do your friends not work?

The best navigation method for awkward friend, family and colleague situations is called 'stupid and cheerful,' coined by Dr. Joy Browne. It says to everyone up front, "We can speak of any subject in the world except for anyone we know who's not here to defend themselves." If avoids conflict by failing to acknowledge it or engage it. It invites everyone you want to any events YOU host on neutral ground, but it defers any other inviting to those hosting an event on THEIR property. It says to questioners, "That's not my invitation to extend, so you may want to ask the host."

 

Bottom line: stay out of it, and don't engage it. What others do is on them. Feeling badly about others' business makes no sense because it assumes responsibility for other adults, and that's not helpful to anyone.

Thank you :) I’m usually pretty good about making a Venn diagram of controllables and uncontrollable, but with this one I felt on shaky ground as I had had a big part in both parties.

When I feel on shaky moral ground I think of how I’ll feel about myself at the end of the day, and I wasn’t sure if I felt okay about either situation. But you’re right I only get to decide for me and trying to do anything else is going to just make me tired.

Stupid and cheerful :) I like that.

Thank you to everyone else as well for your time and words of advice.

Thank you :) I’m usually pretty good about making a Venn diagram of controllables and uncontrollable, but with this one I felt on shaky ground as I had had a big part in both parties.

 

When I feel on shaky moral ground I think of how I’ll feel about myself at the end of the day, and I wasn’t sure if I felt okay about either situation. But you’re right I only get to decide for me and trying to do anything else is going to just make me tired.

 

Stupid and cheerful :) I like that.

 

Thank you to everyone else as well for your time and words of advice.

I loved Dr. Joy's "stupid and cheerful"" mantra. I met her once. She passed away in 2016 much much too soon.

It invites everyone you want to any events YOU host on neutral ground, but it defers any other inviting to those hosting an event on THEIR property. It says to questioners, "That's not my invitation to extend, so you may want to ask the host."

As I was reading your story, this was the thought that popped into my head.

I have a few friends that have had drama with each other over the years. I have had my own drama with friends over the years. I don't find it helpful to get involved in their drama or when others get involved in mine and start taking sides.

I think you need to step out of the drama triangle you are in and set some boundaries with these people and let each of them know where they stand in your life.

Oh for sure, but I'd go back to the quote.."How's that working out for ya?" Seems like fights and more upsets. Host as many parties as you like, but if your friends are going to continue fighting each other or being hurt or upset...then you will continue being in the middle of it and having to tell one no and leave people out and so on.

 

Meeting H for coffee and K for dinner without adding in loads of others so none of them feel left out, sounds the most logic.

Not many options left when what you've been doing isn't working.

MsCodeMonkey has every right to host parties. It's the guests' decision whether to decline or accept her invitation. They don't have to attend if they know they'll be uncomfortable in mutual social settings. The hostess doesn't have to alter her lifestyle in order to appease everyone. Warring guests can stay home and the party will still go on without them. They can be party poopers. If they can't be mature enough to respect the hostess and other guests in her home, they shouldn't attend the party anyway. The hostess shouldn't have to make special accommodations for several drama queens. Drama queens need to take the high road and behave classy otherwise they're better off being a no-show altogether.

During other times, MsCodeMonkey can have 1:1 friendships, meet for meals, tea / coffee, take walks, go shopping and the like which is what I do with my exclusive individual friends.

For me, I have unique circumstances such as familial social obligations and thankfully it has since been whittled down to only a few holidays per year. However, if they were only friends and not "family," then I would politely decline especially if I knew it will be awkward being with people whom I disdain and despise. Having said that, I wouldn't expect the hostess to alter her lifestyle nor make special accommodations on account of me. That would be plain selfish.

Thank you :) I’m usually pretty good about making a Venn diagram of controllables and uncontrollable, but with this one I felt on shaky ground as I had had a big part in both parties.

 

When I feel on shaky moral ground I think of how I’ll feel about myself at the end of the day, and I wasn’t sure if I felt okay about either situation. But you’re right I only get to decide for me and trying to do anything else is going to just make me tired.

 

Stupid and cheerful :) I like that.

 

Thank you to everyone else as well for your time and words of advice.

JB described her 'stupid and cheerful' position as being like Teflon--everything rolls right off of it, and you're not taking on moral, ethic or any other positions that aren't yours to take on--and would serve NObody.

It's no favor to others to indulge them in the false idea that they have the right to impose their private battles on anyone else. If you don't teach them this, the rest of the world will, at some point, so your kindest move is to rise above the battleground. When invitations are our own to extend, do so equally to everyone, and let them work it out--or not. Be stupid about any issues that aren't yours to manage, and if anyone tries to impose those on you, smile cheerfully and tell them that they are welcome to attend or not, and to let you know at their convenience. Boom, done.

When parties are being hosted by others, you are a guest, not a hall monitor. RSVP for yourself and a date (or not) and let everyone do the same for their adult selves. Boom, done.

No moral or ethical issues for you today!

EnjOy.

MsCodeMonkey has every right to host parties

Never said she couldn't. But from the history, her friends fight with each other. She's getting stressed out. It ends up not being something that is a good thing.

Her friends are not adult enough to resolve their own issues without involving everyone else. So it makes it very tough.

But I agree, stop trying to appease this one and that one. Have a party, invite all, if someone is whining and not happy, they don't need to come.

Seriously, invite them all. Don't leave people out. If someone doesn't like it...they can darn well stay home.

End of.