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Thread: What do I do in this situation in your opinion? (A conflict between two friends)

  1. #11
    Member MsCodeMonkey's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    The best navigation method for awkward friend, family and colleague situations is called 'stupid and cheerful,' coined by Dr. Joy Browne. It says to everyone up front, "We can speak of any subject in the world except for anyone we know who's not here to defend themselves." If avoids conflict by failing to acknowledge it or engage it. It invites everyone you want to any events YOU host on neutral ground, but it defers any other inviting to those hosting an event on THEIR property. It says to questioners, "That's not my invitation to extend, so you may want to ask the host."

    Bottom line: stay out of it, and don't engage it. What others do is on them. Feeling badly about others' business makes no sense because it assumes responsibility for other adults, and that's not helpful to anyone.
    Thank you :) Iím usually pretty good about making a Venn diagram of controllables and uncontrollable, but with this one I felt on shaky ground as I had had a big part in both parties.

    When I feel on shaky moral ground I think of how Iíll feel about myself at the end of the day, and I wasnít sure if I felt okay about either situation. But youíre right I only get to decide for me and trying to do anything else is going to just make me tired.

    Stupid and cheerful :) I like that.

    Thank you to everyone else as well for your time and words of advice.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by MsCodeMonkey
    Thank you :) Iím usually pretty good about making a Venn diagram of controllables and uncontrollable, but with this one I felt on shaky ground as I had had a big part in both parties.

    When I feel on shaky moral ground I think of how Iíll feel about myself at the end of the day, and I wasnít sure if I felt okay about either situation. But youíre right I only get to decide for me and trying to do anything else is going to just make me tired.

    Stupid and cheerful :) I like that.

    Thank you to everyone else as well for your time and words of advice.
    I loved Dr. Joy's "stupid and cheerful"" mantra. I met her once. She passed away in 2016 much much too soon.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    It invites everyone you want to any events YOU host on neutral ground, but it defers any other inviting to those hosting an event on THEIR property. It says to questioners, "That's not my invitation to extend, so you may want to ask the host."
    As I was reading your story, this was the thought that popped into my head.

    I have a few friends that have had drama with each other over the years. I have had my own drama with friends over the years. I don't find it helpful to get involved in their drama or when others get involved in mine and start taking sides.

    I think you need to step out of the drama triangle you are in and set some boundaries with these people and let each of them know where they stand in your life.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Oh for sure, but I'd go back to the quote.."How's that working out for ya?" Seems like fights and more upsets. Host as many parties as you like, but if your friends are going to continue fighting each other or being hurt or upset...then you will continue being in the middle of it and having to tell one no and leave people out and so on.

    Meeting H for coffee and K for dinner without adding in loads of others so none of them feel left out, sounds the most logic.
    Not many options left when what you've been doing isn't working.
    MsCodeMonkey has every right to host parties. It's the guests' decision whether to decline or accept her invitation. They don't have to attend if they know they'll be uncomfortable in mutual social settings. The hostess doesn't have to alter her lifestyle in order to appease everyone. Warring guests can stay home and the party will still go on without them. They can be party poopers. If they can't be mature enough to respect the hostess and other guests in her home, they shouldn't attend the party anyway. The hostess shouldn't have to make special accommodations for several drama queens. Drama queens need to take the high road and behave classy otherwise they're better off being a no-show altogether.

    During other times, MsCodeMonkey can have 1:1 friendships, meet for meals, tea / coffee, take walks, go shopping and the like which is what I do with my exclusive individual friends.

    For me, I have unique circumstances such as familial social obligations and thankfully it has since been whittled down to only a few holidays per year. However, if they were only friends and not "family," then I would politely decline especially if I knew it will be awkward being with people whom I disdain and despise. Having said that, I wouldn't expect the hostess to alter her lifestyle nor make special accommodations on account of me. That would be plain selfish.
    Last edited by Cherylyn; 01-20-2020 at 06:26 PM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MsCodeMonkey
    Thank you :) Iím usually pretty good about making a Venn diagram of controllables and uncontrollable, but with this one I felt on shaky ground as I had had a big part in both parties.

    When I feel on shaky moral ground I think of how Iíll feel about myself at the end of the day, and I wasnít sure if I felt okay about either situation. But youíre right I only get to decide for me and trying to do anything else is going to just make me tired.

    Stupid and cheerful :) I like that.

    Thank you to everyone else as well for your time and words of advice.
    JB described her 'stupid and cheerful' position as being like Teflon--everything rolls right off of it, and you're not taking on moral, ethic or any other positions that aren't yours to take on--and would serve NObody.

    It's no favor to others to indulge them in the false idea that they have the right to impose their private battles on anyone else. If you don't teach them this, the rest of the world will, at some point, so your kindest move is to rise above the battleground. When invitations are our own to extend, do so equally to everyone, and let them work it out--or not. Be stupid about any issues that aren't yours to manage, and if anyone tries to impose those on you, smile cheerfully and tell them that they are welcome to attend or not, and to let you know at their convenience. Boom, done.

    When parties are being hosted by others, you are a guest, not a hall monitor. RSVP for yourself and a date (or not) and let everyone do the same for their adult selves. Boom, done.

    No moral or ethical issues for you today!

    EnjOy.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    MsCodeMonkey has every right to host parties
    Never said she couldn't. But from the history, her friends fight with each other. She's getting stressed out. It ends up not being something that is a good thing.
    Her friends are not adult enough to resolve their own issues without involving everyone else. So it makes it very tough.

    But I agree, stop trying to appease this one and that one. Have a party, invite all, if someone is whining and not happy, they don't need to come.
    Seriously, invite them all. Don't leave people out. If someone doesn't like it...they can darn well stay home.
    End of.

  8. 01-22-2020, 08:54 PM


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