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I know, i have a problem


annou

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Hello everyone! Before I even start to write out my story, a huge thank you for taking your time ti read this and try to help me. I know I have a problem and I do plan to go to a psychologist, but atm I am short with money, unemployed and don’t know how to help myself anymore. The problems I have I have started to be scared of discussing with my bf, because he would always see it as “attacking” even though I know it is all me and my head. I have always been a very anxious person, specially in relationships and i am not really sure why. I have been cheated on (2 times), and basically ever since then it is as if i am always expecting something bad to happen or “pop out”. I havent seen any red flags in this relationship, i in my head know that I have the best boyfriend ever who loves me a lot and makes sure i know it, but something still “intimidates” me about being left for someone else. He is a very good-looking and friendly guy, and you know how girls like to mistake friendliness for flirting which is something i truly fear. I am scared that he will let someone new in his life and be charmed by somebody who is new and interesting, i dont know :/ . This anxiety of mine has specially developed during the time we were working as waiters, where by nature of the job itself it is required to talk with a lot of people. Now my bf would occasionally get asked for number etc but i haver doubted or saw that he acted the way i wouldn’t in the same situation. What bothers me here is that those things happen, and that even tho he is aware of how people might interpret things in a wrong way, he still chooses to be friendly and communicative until he is sure that the person he is talking to is having “wrong intentions” (like asking him for a cell number, coffe, face book acc etc.). I even used to get jealous of his childhood friends (who are mostly girls), but i got to spend Christmas with his family and met his friends while we were visiting his family. Now, i am no longer “threatened” by those people, but only “new” people who potentially could charm him or be interesting? I dunnoo, but i am just done with myself being like this and cant continue ruining this beautiful thing that i have with him.

I am even scared of potential scenarios, for example what will happen when he gets a more serious job? When he surrounds himself with people who are invested in the same thing he is? People spend a lot of their day at work, it is inevitable for him to bound with other girls (ofc if there happen to be any) and i can’t prohibit stuff like that, cuz that would be crazy. I would just like to know how other people who understand this type of feelings deal with it. How do I learn to trust? Cuz i do understand that trusting someone means not assuming anything when the other person is simply not around. I wish i could somehow change this about me, and again, i do know that what I feel is not good and I truly am trying to work on it. Right now he is on a study break, so there is no work ( or “potential threat” in my head) and my anxiety has calmed down. But how do u cope with this for good?

 

Thank you all for taking your time to read this, i am truly trying my best.

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“What bothers me here is that those things happen, and that even tho he is aware of how people might interpret things in a wrong way, he still chooses to be friendly and communicative until he is sure that the person he is talking to is having “wrong intentions” (like asking him for a cell number, coffe, face book acc etc.).”

 

It bothers you that you have a very considerate partner??

Why???

 

Forget about your insecure feelings for a moment. And think about how he feels?

He is doing NOTHING wrong and everything right by you. Why are you giving him a hard time for that? He should actually leave you for that very reason. But yet he is still there. Giving YOU a chance.

 

Why don’t you give him a break. ?

Trust HIM or don’t. And decide now.

 

Trust is blind. You do or you don’t. If you don’t , you leave. If you do , you stay but don’t try to manipulate another.

 

What are you going to do??

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Sorry to hear this. Do you live at home? The first thing you need to do is get a resume together, get a good profile on LinkedIn and get employed and stay employed. Having no job/money is a depressing situation in itself. Having a job would build up your confidence. You need more of a full life so you are not obsessing about your bfs constantly. How long have you been dating?

 

Do not use friends, family and especially people you are dating as therapists. Get to an MD doctor for a full evaluation. Join some groups and clubs take some classes and courses. Volunteer. Look around locally for some support groups run by clinics hospitals colleges etc. Most of all seek out gainful employment.

I am short with money, unemployed and don’t know how to help myself anymore. The problems I have I have started to be scared of discussing with my bf, because he would always see it as “attacking” even though I know it is all me and my head. I have always been a very anxious person
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Yes therapy is definitely a good idea! Your only other option is to date someone ugly and unfriendly towards other people lol Look, I get it, I used to be insecure in relationships too. I think maybe you could benefit from Cognitive Behaviour Therapy because it makes you challenge your own negative thoughts. If you try to examine what you said, you would see that everything your boyfriend is doing is totally normal. You said he continues to be friendly to people until he sees they have "wrong intentions". Well that is how people actually should act, no? Keep being friendly until they see the other person is not "just" being friendly. Also as I'm sure you know, it's extremely important for a waiter to be friendly to customers, otherwise they might get fired. And a waiter needs to be likeable to receive tips.

 

Also yes, if he gets a professional job, he will spend time with the people at work every day. So will you if you get an office job. Keep in mind that really anyone's partner can cheat on them anytime, but most people don't. A person doesn't even need to be good-looking to cheat, it can still happen. I'm probably not helping lol The point is he actually CHOSE you. He likes you more than any other woman he knows or sees. So that really means something. He thinks YOU are special. You need to keep reminding yourself that.

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Do you know what's good about marrying an ugly woman? - if she ever leaves you, who cares?!

 

Come on...that's not nice. People should be judged on their character and on their heart, not on something superficial such as their looks.

 

Human beings have more value then than, or at least should have.

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