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Thread: 2 months relationship, sudden problems

  1. #1
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    2 months relationship, sudden problems

    Hi,

    Thanks to all who participate in this forum... it helps a lot!

    I am 38, male, and I am together with this woman since 2 months , and really in love with her. The time together have been super intense, with a lot of love-making(since the first date actually), cooking together, sport, 1 week holidays and basically most of our free time together (which i loved as my last relationship I suffered from her not wanting to commit and move together or spend more days together)
    I also did nice things for her when she needed something and she for me and live was just pure happiness.

    Some ago weeks she got a bit upset because i saw a photo of my friend and his girlfriend (whom i dont know) and i said "wow she is pretty" or something similar.
    I didnt think that it was a huge deal but she was upset. Last week we were in a small cablecar together and just in front of me was a girl, maybe around 20 and, honestly, I couldnt help to look at her as she was quite attractive. Now, I only remember it like having a few glimpses of her face but, as according to my gf, it was really obvious and she said the girl noticed and got embarrassed. (just for context my girlfriend is just as attractive or more, just in a different way)

    For some days all was apparently ok with my gf (though we had almost no sex those days) until 2 days ago she exploded and told me how she felt about it and left abruptly my apartment to go to hers.

    She says that if i behave like this in front of her and dont respect her, then she doesnt know what i do when i am alone and she cannot trust me, and she doesnt want to keep investing all this energy if the foundations are not solid...

    Which I get, and I feel terrible about it, and of course the last thing I want is to bother anybody or make my girlfriend feel like i dont respect her, and i will really try avoid staring in the future.

    On the other hand... as a man, even a man in love, i will always find some other women attractive.... and it really doesnt mean anything, i love my gf the same and i have zero desire to even talk with those other women. In all honesty, I wouldnt even recognize that other girl if we crossed on street.

    Any advice on how to try to regain her trust?

  2. #2
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    You're about to open a big debate on what constitutes "glancing" at an attractive woman. You say it was a few glances, but then say you'll try to avoid "staring" in the future. In my mind, there is quite a difference between glancing and staring.

    Having said that, a lot of this also depends on how secure/insecure your girlfriend generally is - and whether she is understandably upset that you were openly ogling some pretty young thing, or if she is exaggerating for effect and magnifying perceived slights to suit her narrative. She was obviously already feeling insecure that you commented on a friend's pretty girlfriend, and was on alert for any further "mess-ups." This was that moment.

    It's true that you will notice attractive people. Your girlfriend is being unreasonable if she thinks you (or she) won't, and I personally think she completely over-reacted if the glances on the cable car were indeed as insignificant as you describe. At just 2 months in, you are both still only learning about each other. You have learned she does not take kindly to you mentioning/noticing how attractive another woman is, and that she is willing to pull the plug altogether. Take a moment and think about how she handled her hurt - not all that constructively, in my opinion.

    Is your behaviour a deal-breaker? I don't think so, again assuming the glimpses were minor. There were far more mature and productive ways to discuss the issue. As such, I would strongly advise you against bending over backwards to appease her. You can calmly talk about it but I would caution you not to pander too much to insecurity if you genuinely believe there was little basis for her explosion.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Yeah, guys look at women, and their girlfriends hate it.

    All you can do is say you are sorry, buy mirrored sunglasses, and stop looking at and talking about other women. Make her feel like she is the only one in the room.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Hmmmm.

    I can see a few things potentially going on here. One possibility is that, despite your understanding tone above, you're a dude with an untamable wandering eye and, after 60 days, she's had enough. Tried being cool about, failed, is now blowing up.

    But I don't think that's the case.

    Sounds like you've been moving fast, burning hot and bright, and very often the fuel to those kinds of fires is low-simmering insecurity. In one person, in both. For someone to become super obsessed with another person in the blink of an eye—yeah, it's intoxicating, wildly fun, but can speak to someone looking to fill a void, who lacks a solid internal anchor and so anchors onto others. That she got edgy at the mere sight of a photo of a photo of a woman you don't know who is tangentially connected to your world—that, to me, is telling. She does not trust her own worth, gauges her worth primarily on her looks, and so is threatened by other women. That's a state of mind that predated you and is now causing some trouble.

    A more secure woman, for instance? Even if you were drooling over every pretty thing who walked by you she wouldn't feel threatened. Just bored by you. She'd laugh, gracefully bow out in search of a better dude, rather than make a scene. The woman you are dating, for whatever reason, likes to make a scene. Gets the attention focused back on her. Gives her the sense of power that she lacked before she even knew you.

    How to regain trust? I'd be asking a different question. Do you want a dynamic in which you're going to be constantly assuring someone of their worth? Do you want to validate these reactions? You barely know this woman, and I suspect what you're seeing now is the tip of the iceberg: something to really observe, and be honest if it's something you can be yourself alongside, harmoniously.

    What I'd do is apologize for making her uncomfortable, let her know you'll be more aware, and that's that. Not a scene. She either has it in her to give it a bit more time, or she doesn't, or she wants to keep stoking the drama coals and watch you squirm. But don't break your back trying to appease this. I understand she's cool, the sex has been extraordinary, and you've got a lot of hopes in where this can go. Great—respect all that by avoiding laying the foundation for a drastically unhealthy dynamic that will leech all the fun out of this union quickly.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You're about to open a big debate on what constitutes "glancing" at an attractive woman. You say it was a few glances, but then say you'll try to avoid "staring" in the future. In my mind, there is quite a difference between glancing and staring.
    Yes, OP did one or the other.
    If its quick glances like OP said, then the gf may have an insecurity issue.
    A lot of women don't like their men staring at other women while they're together in public places... and vice versa.

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    Please don't go there with "I'm not blind just because I have a girlfriend". Duh, obvious. The other piece is acting appropriately and respectfully. So if you glanced at an attractive woman more than once in a short period of time in front of your girlfriend to me that would be disrespectful -and it sounds like to her as well. And if that is on the heels of your first impulsive response from a photo is "wow she is pretty" then your brand new girlfriend will likely, understandably, start to see a pattern. Some women would be fine with it, some women wouldn't but also like to ogle hot looking men so they'd be quiet about it and others like me would find your behavior immature and disrespectful. Feel what you feel and react in a respectful and appropriate way.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok dating 8 weeks is a good time to stand back and observe things. Her issues, your issues, relationship dynamics, etc. At this point it seems she overreacts to what is somewhat rude behavior. You're not out with the guys so be aware. She seems to be a bit burned out. Is she on the rebound? Very often a blowup like this is the tip of the iceberg of other unaddressed issues.
    Originally Posted by hawkmoon
    2 days ago she exploded and told me how she felt about it and left abruptly my apartment to go to hers.

    She says that if i behave like this in front of her and dont respect her, then she doesnt know what i do when i am alone and she cannot trust me, and she doesnt want to keep investing all this energy if the foundations are not solid...

  9. #8
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I dated a guy who would loudly comment on any large breasted women who were wherever we happened to be.

    I tolerated it for a while, wanting to not seem "insecure" or "jealous", but them I realized how rude he was being. So I let him know how I felt. He didn't like what I had to say, but he (grudgingly) curbed his breast comments for a little while. Then he decided he could make all the lewd comments he wanted and I needed to just get over it.

    So, yeah, I stopped dating him.

    I write this to say that if someone doesn't like your behavior they can mention it. Then if you feel she's being unreasonable you are within your rights to say so. If the two of you don't agree then it's decision time. You two can either work on a compromise or you can decide to go your separate ways.

    It really is that simple.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Here's the problem. You have a roving eye whether your girlfriend is with you or not; it doesn't matter. The problem is YOU. Even though you claim you're not leering nor ogling women, you're still shooting surreptitious glances at other women.

    Your girlfriend, others and I consider it rude.

    If you want to unconsciously fix yourself, learn to ignore women and know in your heart, your utmost loyalty and devotion belongs to your girlfriend. Then it becomes a life long habit automatically because you don't care about other women, period. It's respect and honor for yourself in addition for your girlfriend. Guard your eyes because your girlfriend or wife will appreciate it even whenever they're not with you. It's called RESPECT.

    If you wish to regain her trust, start now whether you're with your girlfriend or not. Then she will notice that you are habitually considerate of her feelings and you're empathetic.

    I doubt you would appreciate her looking at other men when she is with or without you. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Would you also appreciate her making comments about other men such as "wow he is so handsome!" How would you feel? You need to place yourself in other people's shoes. That's what consideration and empathy are. You feel for others and then ask yourself how would you feel if someone treated you with disrespect? Turn it around on yourself and ask yourself those questions. You need a taste of your own medicine.

    Whenever two people are in a relationship, they want to feel special and exclusive. They want all your SINCERE heart. They don't want your wandering eye because it makes the other person feel they're not good enough for you and they fall short in your mind, therefore, this is why your eyes wander away from them. I doubt you'd like it if your girlfriend did not give you the undivided attention you deserve.

    It's not a matter of desiring not to talk to other women. She wants your unconscious and conscious devotion and loyalty. Use common sense, practice, practice, practice and then if you're lucky, you can regain her trust. However, it won't happen overnight and if you slip up again, you'll have to start all over again to regain her trust. If you're unable to break your habit whether she's with you or not, then one of these days, your girlfriend will lose her patience and call it quits on you so be prepared for that.

    You can't always have everything in life. Something has to give. There are sacrifices in every relationship. Try not to think of it as self-control. Think of it as self-discipline and changing your heart. Develop empathy and integrity. Do the right thing.

    Should she break up with you, then you can look at other women all you want and have your freedom to your heart's content.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Here's the problem. You have a roving eye whether your girlfriend is with you or not; it doesn't matter. The problem is YOU. Even though you claim you're not leering nor ogling women, you're still shooting surreptitious glances at other women.

    Your girlfriend, others and I consider it rude.

    If you want to unconsciously fix yourself, learn to ignore women and know in your heart, your utmost loyalty and devotion belongs to your girlfriend. Then it becomes a life long habit automatically because you don't care about other women, period. It's respect and honor for yourself in addition for your girlfriend. Guard your eyes because your girlfriend or wife will appreciate it even whenever they're not with you. It's called RESPECT.

    If you wish to regain her trust, start now whether you're with your girlfriend or not. Then she will notice that you are habitually considerate of her feelings and you're empathetic.

    I doubt you would appreciate her looking at other men when she is with or without you. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Would you also appreciate her making comments about other men such as "wow he is so handsome!" How would you feel? You need to place yourself in other people's shoes. That's what consideration and empathy are. You feel for others and then ask yourself how would you feel if someone treated you with disrespect? Turn it around on yourself and ask yourself those questions. You need a taste of your own medicine.

    Whenever two people are in a relationship, they want to feel special and exclusive. They want all your SINCERE heart. They don't want your wandering eye because it makes the other person feel they're not good enough for you and they fall short in your mind, therefore, this is why your eyes wander away from them. I doubt you'd like it if your girlfriend did not give you the undivided attention you deserve.

    It's not a matter of desiring not to talk to other women. She wants your unconscious and conscious devotion and loyalty. Use common sense, practice, practice, practice and then if you're lucky, you can regain her trust. However, it won't happen overnight and if you slip up again, you'll have to start all over again to regain her trust. If you're unable to break your habit whether she's with you or not, then one of these days, your girlfriend will lose her patience and call it quits on you so be prepared for that.

    You can't always have everything in life. Something has to give. There are sacrifices in every relationship. Try not to think of it as self-control. Think of it as self-discipline and changing your heart. Develop empathy and integrity. Do the right thing.

    Should she break up with you, then you can look at other women all you want and have your freedom to your heart's content.
    I agree and want to add - it's also showing her that you objectify women because although of course people notice attractive people - I mean, they are noticeable just like cute babies, when you do the roving eye thing that level of focus -especially when you're with your girlfriend or spouses - gives the impression that you don't value women generally.


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