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My wife is lying to me on her eating habits need some advice.


Omega0321

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I’ll give y’all a quick or try to make it a quick bio so to speak about us. I’ve been with significant other for over 4 years now. Recently married been married to my wife for about 3 months now. I love her so much and she’s my world. We live together and the whole nine yards. Plan on having kids in the near future. I’ve always been athletic and fit. I go to the gym 4-5 days a week no problem. I do sometimes eat not so good but I have cut back dramatically ESPECIALLY when I need to set the example. Now my wife. Even though I do think she’s absolutely beautiful she’s also not the healthiest person in the world. She’s very unhealthy. Daily she eats a bag of chips and sometimes with like a McDonald’s burger to go with it. Drives me crazy how unhealthy that is. She’s overweight and her health scares me because I know what eating that stuff can do to somebody if it happens consistently. She does try and eat healthier though by juicing and stuff like that so I do give her credit but usually after a week she falls back to square one again. So it’s a constant battle and there’s no consistency. I try and support her I make her shakes, smoothies anything I can do to help and give her words of encouragement. I go out of my way to buy stuff and make it so the only thing she has to do when she gets home is basically just eat it. I always find fast food bags in the trash clear as day. So yesterday before I went to work I left her a healthy protein shake and a lunchable so she can have it for dinner. Fast forward to this morning. I know for a fact she did NOT have her lunchable because there was 4 in the fridge and still 4 the next morning. She did have her shake. I also noticed a big bag of fast food again. I wanted to see what was in there and actually I saw the receipt that said she ordered it yesterday. I asked her hoping she would come clean to me if she had her lunchable she said yes. I also asked her if she ordered/eaten the fast food and she told me no. I made it very clear I said you didn’t even order it and she again said no. However the receipt tells me in fact she did order it. So she lied to me twice. I can’t stand liars ultimately. I love my wife but it she’s lying to me it honestly makes me sick. I’m sure she’s probably doing that to make me feel good because I told her when she eats healthy goes to the gym it makes me so happy! So she might be lying not to hurt my feelings but again I don’t like liars. I gave her every opportunity to be honest with me to tell me the truth and she’s flat out lying and I have a receipt to prove it. Should I talk to her about this? Or is it something I should just let go as a white lie so to speak. If I let her know what I know it might be much saying I have a receipt to prove it because that comes off not so positive for myself. I’m sorry for the super long message. Any help/advice will be greatly appreciated! Thank you all.

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I think she is lying because you are being far too controlling over what she chooses to eat -even if she was a child it would be too controlling. She shouldn't lie and you shouldn't hover and try to control. I get where your intentions are but your approach is going to sabotage and motivate her to eat even less healthful food.

 

I think you should let it go and tell her -if you've never told her -that you are concerned about her health and want to know if she wants you to make any health or nutrition suggestions. If you've already broached this with her then, she knows. You can invite her to do activities with you in a very matter of fact casual way.

 

Decide whether you accept her as she is.

 

Edited to add -I am fit, slim, always have been, eat reasonably. Husband has put on some weight and about 9 years ago when we were newlyweds I asked him to please start exercising again for his health. He didn't like me saying that because I sounded like his mother. I never said another word. He started exercising and eating better about two years ago -on his own. If he asks me if he should skip a day because of the weather or a cold he has I tell him what I think but I am careful to do it in a casual way. He knows I exercise daily unless I am very very sick no matter what the weather and I tell him not to judge his decisions by what I do! I feel comfortable with this approach and I do wish he would eat more healthfully.

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First of all...

I left her a healthy protein shake and a lunchable so she can have it for dinner.

I'd have gone pfffft and ordered a Hot 'N Ready just to spite you.

 

I asked her hoping she would come clean to me if she had her lunchable she said yes.
Second, there's a fine line between a controlling health snob and someone who's juicing. Not sure which you are, but it's in my marriage agreement the wife's got full authority to shoot me if I find myself asking her questions I'd ask a 4-year old.

 

I've always been fit and healthy. Lucky to have had space and money to invest in weights and equipment at home, but daily exercise has always been important to me. In any case, you know what I did? Married a woman with the same values. I've got zero interest in playing authoritarian dietitian to the woman I claim to call my life partner with with all the due respect as an equal that entails. If you're all of three months into your marriage, I honestly wouldn't even suggest counseling. End it. While I do sincerely hope she gets active and shapes her diet up if need be, this isn't a dynamic any woman (or many for that matter) should be subject to.

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No as long as I’ve known her basically. My fear is it’s going to catch up to her eventually. You can only eat bad and have a terrible diet for so long before the consequences can be severe. And that’s why I try to do my part to help out in anyway possible.

 

You're not helping her. You're trying to control what she eats. I really don't think you're motivated by wanting to help because if you were you would have figured out after the first controlling comment or action that you were doing it for you not for her. You want her to eat a certain way and lose weight. Yes, her diet is probably awful. Yes it can affect her long term health. No, you are not her controlling boss (I will not say "father" because a parent shouldn't treat a child this way). If she wants to change she will. Looks like she doesn't want to.

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No as long as I’ve known her basically. My fear is it’s going to catch up to her eventually. You can only eat bad and have a terrible diet for so long before the consequences can be severe. And that’s why I try to do my part to help out in anyway possible.

 

So you married her knowing how she was but now you expect her to "change"??

 

Oh boy...

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It sounds like she has low self esteem and eating is her comfort and solace.

 

Instead of dictating what she should eat and how she should eat, try being more supportive than you are (with all due respect). Try a different approach.

 

Instead of heading to the gym all by yourself, ask your wife to join you, workout together even if it means you have to slow your pace for her every now and then. Grocery shop and cook together. Be an example as opposed to telling her what to do.

 

Btw, lunchables are NOT healthy either.

 

Also, there could be an underlying problem. I've noticed whenever I've eaten with abandon, I was depressed, didn't care about my health nor what I looked like. It's self-destructive behavior because mentally, something went awry.

 

There's a psychological problem here; not just in need of an attitude adjustment for your wife. You need to get to the bottom of this, examine and reevaluate the core problem here which is mental which causes the body to go downhill because she simply does not care.

 

Take care of the mental problem first and then diet and exercise will be on solid footing. First things first. There's more to it than self control regarding food and "laziness" to get fit.

 

Dig deeper, address and fix mental issues and then then lifestyle changes will follow. Do things in order as opposed to expecting results according to your will.

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So what do I do? Basically just watch her be unhealthy and just be like okay it is what it is mindset and hope to god nothing bad happens? I’m not a fan of watching the train crash right in front of my face analogy. But if trying to help her is coming off controlling I mean I can stop helping her if I must.

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Our schedules that are the complete opposite only seeing her about 2 days a week at the most is hard to tell her to like go to the gym with me. When I’m home we eat great we eat healthy. Unfortunately our schedules don’t line up so she’s home more without me than with me and when that happens times have shown she eats unhealthy.

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So what do I do? Basically just watch her be unhealthy and just be like okay it is what it is mindset and hope to god nothing bad happens? I’m not a fan of watching the train crash right in front of my face analogy. But if trying to help her is coming off controlling I mean I can stop helping her if I must.

 

You are not helping her at all -you are sabotaging her and treating her disrespectfully. And your attitude is that silly martyr thing of "oh sigh I guess I won't help."

 

I would ask her if you want to find her a physician or nutritionist who she can meet with because you are concerned. Ask her once. Only if you've never asked her. Invite her matter of factly to join you on activities. You already told her you don't like her eating habits or exercise habits so that ship has sailed. You're not her therapist either. And no you are not yet helping. You might think you are but you are not.

 

Accept her as she is or not. No, you are not enabling her at all no it is not your issue if her health suffers. She has to want to change. She is not intellectually disabled, right? She knows.

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So what do I do? Basically just watch her be unhealthy and just be like okay it is what it is mindset and hope to god nothing bad happens? I’m not a fan of watching the train crash right in front of my face analogy. But if trying to help her is coming off controlling I mean I can stop helping her if I must.

 

What to do? You don't make excuses. You make time to support your wife's health AND remember, it's not just "eating" and "exercising." There's more to it than that. It's in her MIND. It's psychological damage in the brain. This is what you need to work on with her. Self control and self discipline starts in the brain. It's the brain that tells you to eat wisely and exercise, not the other way around.

 

You need to attend therapy, a psychologist, internist (or family practice doctor) and dietician with her. This is how you show support.

 

Also, perhaps she has a lot of internal past baggage which she is burdened with that you don't know about. A lot of people eat with abandon and don't care about their appearance because they harbor a lot of psychological scars and PAIN.

 

You can't just tell people what to do and expect them to bend to your will. It doesn't work that way. It takes baby steps to heal the brain, professional help and then people become seriously motivated to work on their physical health. Patience and compassion are key.

 

She needs your emotional support and real help, not criticism.

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Does she want to change her eating habits as badly as you want her to change them?

 

I'm not getting that impression. I think she feels controlled and policed, possibly shamed, far more than helped, supported, and cared for. Those are not ways any human being wants to feel. Strips them clean of their identity and free will, and they will rebel every time. You see this in small children with overbearing parents. The kid wants to play soccer, the parent forces them into violin lessons because the parent has a fantasy of having some musical prodigy as an offspring. In response, the kid gets into Marlboros.

 

The train crash analogy doesn't really apply here. Sure, if for 3.5 years she was making kale salads before yoga class, and was now washing down McDonalds with a bottle of bourbon, you would have cause for concern. Not the woman you fell for, and married. But this is who you dated, who you proposed to, the train you hitched your wagon to after observing it for a good long time. The ring does not give permission to mold her and monitor what she puts into her body. If she wants to change her habits, it has to be her choice, for her own health and happiness, not yours.

 

In your shoes, I would step back from this—far, far back—and ask yourself if you can sincerely accept your wife for who she is rather than who she can become with your guidance. While she may be jeopardizing her health with her diet, accepting her is essential for the health of your marriage.

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No as long as I’ve known her basically. My fear is it’s going to catch up to her eventually. You can only eat bad and have a terrible diet for so long before the consequences can be severe. And that’s why I try to do my part to help out in anyway possible.

 

But you signed up for this and it's seems once you got married it gave you the license to try to change it.

 

You've been together for 4 years. Were you afraid of the `severe consequences' four years ago?

 

If this is a sticking point for you you should have found another partner. Not one you wanted to change.

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So basically how I’m understanding from everybody is making her things buying her stuff healthy things from healthy smoothies healthy protein shakes vitamins and food with low calories is the wrong approach? Trying to help is the wrong approach? So do I just remove myself from the whole situation entirely and stop doing all those things and if she’s going to eat unhealthy fast food and chips let her and I guess hope the consequences aren’t severe? I’m trying to do nothing more than encourage her and give her the tools to succeed. It’s like if I make her healthy options maybe that’ll give her a big reason like hey I don’t need to eat out because he already made this stuff for me mindset.

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I guess I’m hoping one day she’ll wake up and realize if she wants kids and grow old together with me as she tells me all the time she’ll realize the chances go down dramatically eating that way. It’s like me saying I want to live until 70 but I smoke all the time. It’s like it doesn’t work that way.

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It works but only temporarily. I mean I think she wants to change because she wouldn’t bust her butt for a week but again she goes right back again. I mean who knows it could actually be a full addiction or something.
Translation: It hasn't worked.

 

Being honest with yourself, when has being treated like a child motivated you to change? Absent of course when you were an actual child.

 

That's simply not how adults function. The very best you can do is lead by example and hope others can take both benefit and motivation from it. But even then-- they're adults. They're gonna do what they want to do. And unlike children, they've got the means to. You acknowledge that reality and 1) probably not go on a second date with them, 2) don't start a long-term relationship with them, 3) certainly don't propose to them, and 4) my lord, don't exchange vows with them. You're no martyr nor are you particularly a good guy using "helping her" as an excuse to treat her like a child to counteract what looks to be at the very least 4+ years of unhealthy momentum.

 

Stop pretending it's for her interests that you resort to controlling and, frankly, infantilizing tendencies. If she's not changing and your only recourse is to essentially be a d1ck, you're not doing yourself any favors, and you're most certainly not doing her any.

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Because I don’t want her to end up in severe consequences. It’s like if the person you love the most is doing stuff like smoking all the time drinking all the time or eating bad all the time you want the best for them and I like to think you would do anything and everything to help and support that person. But maybe I should pull back like everybody is saying and let her I guess realize it on her own. Y’all think she lied to me because I’m coming off as controlling ultimately.

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Yes this. Never give someone advice unless it’s something they don’t already know or they ask and really want you to give it to them straight if it’s a highly sensitive issue. I disagree that you should go with her to a doctor. If she asks you to accompany her do it. If she asks for your input on which nutritionist to see then do it.

 

You keep saying you’re helping and that’s a big problem here. If you keep seeing yourself as helping her when you monitor and control her eating and tell her what to do you’ll never change. The only person you can control is you.

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