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Thread: How me vs. my boyfriend spend our spare time

  1. #1
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    How me vs. my boyfriend spend our spare time

    Hi! Iím frustrated and wanted to vent but also want to see what you guys think.

    How come in my spare time I do things like shop for us and run errands. And when my boyfriend has spare time he seems to just go out with his buddies and itís always leisure ? Is it my fault I donít do that more often or that I prioritize things differently? Itís honestly just frustrating and it makes me think of my boyfriend as childish.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    Hi! Iím frustrated and wanted to vent but also want to see what you guys think.

    How come in my spare time I do things like shop for us and run errands. And when my boyfriend has spare time he seems to just go out with his buddies and itís always leisure ? Is it my fault I donít do that more often or that I prioritize things differently? Itís honestly just frustrating and it makes me think of my boyfriend as childish.
    It depends. Do you do things for yourself or are you primarily focused on your relationship all the time?
    It's about striking a balance.

    He's in his right to have outside interests that don't include you or doing things for you when you aren't together.

    You are also perfectly welcome to be relationship focused, but it isn't ok if you resent that he has more of a balanced life that doesn't rotate around you.

    Is your time together otherwise good? Are you getting your needs met in this relationship?

    Personally, I find someone who has their own life and interests outside of a relationship more attractive. Not to mention, healthy. I wouldn't want someone to make me the center of their world.

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    It depends. Do you do things for yourself or are you primarily focused on your relationship?
    It's about striking a balance.

    He's in his right to have outside interests that don't include you or doing things for you when you aren't together.

    You are also perfectly welcome to be relationship focused, but it isn't ok if you resent that he has more of a balanced life that doesn't rotate around you.

    Is your time together otherwise good? Are you getting your needs met in this relationship?
    Yes things are over all good with us! But say we will be out of toilet paper and instead of going to the store after work heíll go to happy hour with friends instead. I know Iím just frustrated right now. I do see my friends without him occasionally as well. But itís just like when things need to be done. I guess it snowed a lot today where we live and I came home and shoveled and dealt with our cat who has been sick while he went to his friends to hang out after work. So Iím just annoyed currently.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    Yes things are over all good with us! But say we will be out of toilet paper and instead of going to the store after work heíll go to happy hour with friends instead. I know Iím just frustrated right now. I do see my friends without him occasionally as well. But itís just like when things need to be done. I guess it snowed a lot today where we live and I came home and shoveled and dealt with our cat who has been sick while he went to his friends to hang out after work. So Iím just annoyed currently.
    People aren't mind readers. Can you share with him what you would like and what he can contribute that would make you happy?

    Could you have asked him to stop by the store on his way you to get the toilet paper or anything else that is needed.

    I get it. You want him to want it enough to think of it on his own. But he doesn't think like you. You are going to have to share it with him. Not in a complaining way, but in a collaborative way that he feels makes you happy.

    Sometimes when we overcompensate, the other person under compensates.

    What would happen if you stepped back and tried not to take care of everything? Do you think he may pick up the slack?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your relationship is unfair. What does your boyfriend say when you ask him to run errands and do chores in his spare time instead of you doing it all the time? Would he be willing to split tasks, errands and chores with you? Fair is fair. If not, this is a problem which will never go away because your boyfriend is SELFISH and only thinks of himself. He lacks empathy. Either share duties during spare time, seek professional couples counseling or ask yourself how much longer are you willing to tolerate your relationship without changes for the better.

    If he refuses to cooperate with you, either he goes or you go.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Your relationship is unfair. What does your boyfriend say when you ask him to run errands and do chores in his spare time instead of you doing it all the time? Would he be willing to split tasks, errands and chores with you? Fair is fair. If not, this is a problem which will never go away because your boyfriend is SELFISH and only thinks of himself. He lacks empathy. Either share duties during spare time, seek professional couples counseling or ask yourself how much longer are you willing to tolerate your relationship without changes for the better.

    If he refuses to cooperate with you, either he goes or you go.
    but has she told him this . . she didn't say.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how long you've been together, and how long you've been living together?

    The impression I get is isn't that this is about him hanging with his buddies so much as that you don't feel he's contributing to the more nitty-gritty matters of partnership. That said, if what you've generally done is just do the thing you wish he did, without talking to him about your concerns, it's hard to imagine why he'd think anything is wrong. Driveway is shoveled, toilet paper is on the rollóharmony, from his perspective.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    IIRC, you've been with each other only like 10 months. What errands could you possibly be covering for him? Why are you shopping for both of you? What are you shopping for? Is this something he's actually having to do, or are you taking it upon yourself and just in general lamenting how he spends his free time absent any tangible effect it has on you? I very heavily compartmentalize my free time to have a full window of leisure whenever possible. I'll run an errand here and there on my way to or from work. If that's by and large his attitude, more power to him. If he's lacking for perhaps being laid back in excess, don't be the martyr nobody needed picking up any slack for him. You're volunteering yourself for resentment.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    but has she told him this . . she didn't say.
    Thanks reinventmyself.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    If he refuses to change his habits and cooperate with you, then he won't change for you. Either accept him as is, tolerate him while you're getting TP during the dead of winter and tending to a sick cat while he's out socializing or get a new boyfriend. (If couples counseling is off the table, that is.)

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