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How me vs. my boyfriend spend our spare time


BCC123

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Hi! I’m frustrated and wanted to vent but also want to see what you guys think.

 

How come in my spare time I do things like shop for us and run errands. And when my boyfriend has spare time he seems to just go out with his buddies and it’s always leisure ? Is it my fault I don’t do that more often or that I prioritize things differently? It’s honestly just frustrating and it makes me think of my boyfriend as childish.

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Hi! I’m frustrated and wanted to vent but also want to see what you guys think.

 

How come in my spare time I do things like shop for us and run errands. And when my boyfriend has spare time he seems to just go out with his buddies and it’s always leisure ? Is it my fault I don’t do that more often or that I prioritize things differently? It’s honestly just frustrating and it makes me think of my boyfriend as childish.

 

It depends. Do you do things for yourself or are you primarily focused on your relationship all the time?

It's about striking a balance.

 

He's in his right to have outside interests that don't include you or doing things for you when you aren't together.

 

You are also perfectly welcome to be relationship focused, but it isn't ok if you resent that he has more of a balanced life that doesn't rotate around you.

 

Is your time together otherwise good? Are you getting your needs met in this relationship?

 

Personally, I find someone who has their own life and interests outside of a relationship more attractive. Not to mention, healthy. I wouldn't want someone to make me the center of their world.

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It depends. Do you do things for yourself or are you primarily focused on your relationship?

It's about striking a balance.

 

He's in his right to have outside interests that don't include you or doing things for you when you aren't together.

 

You are also perfectly welcome to be relationship focused, but it isn't ok if you resent that he has more of a balanced life that doesn't rotate around you.

 

Is your time together otherwise good? Are you getting your needs met in this relationship?

 

Yes things are over all good with us! But say we will be out of toilet paper and instead of going to the store after work he’ll go to happy hour with friends instead. I know I’m just frustrated right now. I do see my friends without him occasionally as well. But it’s just like when things need to be done. I guess it snowed a lot today where we live and I came home and shoveled and dealt with our cat who has been sick while he went to his friends to hang out after work. So I’m just annoyed currently.

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Yes things are over all good with us! But say we will be out of toilet paper and instead of going to the store after work he’ll go to happy hour with friends instead. I know I’m just frustrated right now. I do see my friends without him occasionally as well. But it’s just like when things need to be done. I guess it snowed a lot today where we live and I came home and shoveled and dealt with our cat who has been sick while he went to his friends to hang out after work. So I’m just annoyed currently.

 

People aren't mind readers. Can you share with him what you would like and what he can contribute that would make you happy?

 

Could you have asked him to stop by the store on his way you to get the toilet paper or anything else that is needed.

 

I get it. You want him to want it enough to think of it on his own. But he doesn't think like you. You are going to have to share it with him. Not in a complaining way, but in a collaborative way that he feels makes you happy.

 

Sometimes when we overcompensate, the other person under compensates.

 

What would happen if you stepped back and tried not to take care of everything? Do you think he may pick up the slack?

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Your relationship is unfair. What does your boyfriend say when you ask him to run errands and do chores in his spare time instead of you doing it all the time? Would he be willing to split tasks, errands and chores with you? Fair is fair. If not, this is a problem which will never go away because your boyfriend is SELFISH and only thinks of himself. He lacks empathy. Either share duties during spare time, seek professional couples counseling or ask yourself how much longer are you willing to tolerate your relationship without changes for the better.

 

If he refuses to cooperate with you, either he goes or you go.

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Your relationship is unfair. What does your boyfriend say when you ask him to run errands and do chores in his spare time instead of you doing it all the time? Would he be willing to split tasks, errands and chores with you? Fair is fair. If not, this is a problem which will never go away because your boyfriend is SELFISH and only thinks of himself. He lacks empathy. Either share duties during spare time, seek professional couples counseling or ask yourself how much longer are you willing to tolerate your relationship without changes for the better.

 

If he refuses to cooperate with you, either he goes or you go.

but has she told him this . . she didn't say.

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Can I ask how long you've been together, and how long you've been living together?

 

The impression I get is isn't that this is about him hanging with his buddies so much as that you don't feel he's contributing to the more nitty-gritty matters of partnership. That said, if what you've generally done is just do the thing you wish he did, without talking to him about your concerns, it's hard to imagine why he'd think anything is wrong. Driveway is shoveled, toilet paper is on the roll—harmony, from his perspective.

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IIRC, you've been with each other only like 10 months. What errands could you possibly be covering for him? Why are you shopping for both of you? What are you shopping for? Is this something he's actually having to do, or are you taking it upon yourself and just in general lamenting how he spends his free time absent any tangible effect it has on you? I very heavily compartmentalize my free time to have a full window of leisure whenever possible. I'll run an errand here and there on my way to or from work. If that's by and large his attitude, more power to him. If he's lacking for perhaps being laid back in excess, don't be the martyr nobody needed picking up any slack for him. You're volunteering yourself for resentment.

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If he refuses to change his habits and cooperate with you, then he won't change for you. Either accept him as is, tolerate him while you're getting TP during the dead of winter and tending to a sick cat while he's out socializing or get a new boyfriend. (If couples counseling is off the table, that is.)

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When two people don't naturally work together like a well oiled machine, you have to come up with a household plan and come to a consensus with sharing duties. Some people need very concrete instructions. What would I do in your shoes? I'd have a notepad and tell him that it's a grocery list, and as each of you see something missing or that needs to be purchased soon, to add it to the list. Let's say Wednesday is the shopping day, and you take week 1 to shop, and he takes week 2, and that's who does the shopping from that list. How you divide finances, I don't know. You can divide chores, whether rotating them, or sticking to the ones you prefer if you both agree to that.

 

You then can see if a partner cares after a discussion about how to handle things, if he pulls his weight. If he doesn't, yes he's childish. I once learned that mentally unhealthy people seek out people who fill in what's missing in themselves. He chose you because you're responsible. You chose him because you interpreted him, at first, as being childlike in his enjoyment of life, and that side of you probably needs more development. Unfortunately, being childlike is far different than childish, and now that your rose colored glasses are off, you're seeing that, if in fact he doesn't improve after a game plan is under way.

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Hi! I’m frustrated and wanted to vent but also want to see what you guys think.

 

How come in my spare time I do things like shop for us and run errands. And when my boyfriend has spare time he seems to just go out with his buddies and it’s always leisure ? Is it my fault I don’t do that more often or that I prioritize things differently? It’s honestly just frustrating and it makes me think of my boyfriend as childish.

 

If you are only together 10 months, you should not be "running errands for us". You should be buying food for yourself. If you want to buy ingredients to invite him over for dinner every week then fine. I f you are buying groceries for those meals twice a week and he is paying for the two of you to go out to dinner twice a week, then you are even.

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Are you living together? You need to move out or throw him out. Stop enabling his drinking and being the mom fixer and heavy while he parties and flirts. It will only get worse. It will be one current annoyance after the next. There are men who are not lazy heavy drinkers.

 

My advice remains the same about him: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562427&p=7176385&viewfull=1#post7176385

we will be out of toilet paper and instead of going to the store after work he’ll go to happy hour with friends instead. I came home and shoveled and dealt with our cat who has been sick while he went to his friends to hang out after work.
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When two people don't naturally work together like a well oiled machine, you have to come up with a household plan and come to a consensus with sharing duties. Some people need very concrete instructions. What would I do in your shoes? I'd have a notepad and tell him that it's a grocery list, and as each of you see something missing or that needs to be purchased soon, to add it to the list. Let's say Wednesday is the shopping day, and you take week 1 to shop, and he takes week 2, and that's who does the shopping from that list. How you divide finances, I don't know. You can divide chores, whether rotating them, or sticking to the ones you prefer if you both agree to that.

 

.

 

- a honey-do list is a good idea.

 

Let's just say he's not the most romantic guy. A romantic guy would lend domestic support and clean the house when you were out running errands.

 

Yes, it can be a serious issue. Women need romance/domestic support in a relationship.

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Yes things are over all good with us! But say we will be out of toilet paper and instead of going to the store after work he’ll go to happy hour with friends instead. I know I’m just frustrated right now. I do see my friends without him occasionally as well. But it’s just like when things need to be done. I guess it snowed a lot today where we live and I came home and shoveled and dealt with our cat who has been sick while he went to his friends to hang out after work. So I’m just annoyed currently.

 

I've found it most helpful to avoid becoming resentful toward a partner or a roommate by asking myself during every task: is this something I'd need or want to do if I lived alone?

 

In 90% of all cases, the answer is yes. This is how I want to live, this is what I want done, and so my choices are to either do it myself or hire someone else to do it. In cases where I'd hire someone, I'd give my partner first dibs on whether he's willing to do for me before I spent the funds.

 

I'd do my research before asking. If partner is willing to do it, propose a timeline with something like, "I can have the handyman (or TaskRabbit, or whatever service...) here on Saturday to do it for X dollars. If you'd be willing to get it done before then, I'll make your favorite lasagna."

 

Negotiation is how successful couples thrive. They learn one another's bribe lists and offer something of value to the other in exchange for what they want from them. It can be material or behavioral, it just needs to be the right incentive.

 

To avoid money issues, don't blend all funds. Open 3 accounts: His, Hers and Ours. Sit together to create a budget that includes all shared expenses, investments and savings. Those are covered by the Ours fund each month, and each contributes to that fund based on percentages of income. Whoever earns more pays the higher percentage. Any money left over once that account is met is discretionary and doesn't need to be approved or negotiated with the other to be spent or saved as each sees fit.

 

Chores such as yard work or cleaning or laundry or snow removal that neither partner wants to assume can be built into the Ours budget to hire someone. Where that's not possible, good negotiation makes a trade off that both of you can live with.

 

Bottom line: we don't always share the same lifestyle values with a partner. What's important to us doesn't automatically make it important to someone else. So own your own preferences, and don't impose those on the person who shares your home.

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My husband liked to eat and I am a good cook, so we negotiated. I cooked and he washed the dishes. He thought it would be cute to keep breaking dishes, hoping I'd give up and do them myself. So I told him I would just go out and buy all new dishes every few weeks to replace the ones he broke. He HATED spending money so that got his attention. He stopped his passive aggressive games (although he still used that tactic on other things which is one reason why he's my EX husband, but that's another story).

 

If it's his place and you just stay there a lot, simply buy enough supplies for when you're there. He can feed himself and clean the place himself when you're not there. Do not get into the (bad) habit of playing "wife" if you're not and you don't live there.

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It sounds like there is way too much drinking and arguing. It this the same guy?:

 

we've been together for 5 months

so after the reception we go to a bar and im still talking about it which is making me more upset.

he screamed in the car the whole way home.

we get back to my place, kind of calm down but we are still trying to discuss this all while pretty drunk.

he storms off to his car and instead of letting him leave i throw a tantrum, tell him i cant believe he would leave me in this state when im obviously upset.

we start arguing again. it gets heated and he leaves again.

we went to sleep and spent the next day together, mostly napping from being hungover and mentally exhausted.

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If your ‘free time ‘ is being used to complete errands and tasks to run the household you both live in then technically it’s not free time is it .

Those errands and tasks need to be split and delegated and THEN whatever time is left is for each of you to do ME centred activities

Remember nobody can continue violating our boundaries unless we allow them too . Sounds like you are allowing this situation and he likely is not paying one bit of attention to what your doing whilst in your free time ( although he no doubt reaps the benefits of the chores and errands done ) You could take a couple of approaches here

split them ask him which ones he will be completing? Then you will both have the same free time to spend on yourself

Don’t complete them and simply enjoy your free time doing me centred things like he does and see what happens ... believe me the world won’t end and he will likely be unhappy when he realises there’s no toilet paper

Or just simply discuss how things need to be structured differently

But at the moment your being a martyr and complaining that it sucks getting shanked with the lions share of household chores ... yes it sure does

Research shows that even when women work as many hours outside the home as men they are still doing much more household hours unpaid work than men in the majority of homes

It wont change unless you set your boundaries and hold tight . You can certainly do this in a non aggressive yet powerful and assertive way

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