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Thread: How me vs. my boyfriend spend our spare time

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When two people don't naturally work together like a well oiled machine, you have to come up with a household plan and come to a consensus with sharing duties. Some people need very concrete instructions. What would I do in your shoes? I'd have a notepad and tell him that it's a grocery list, and as each of you see something missing or that needs to be purchased soon, to add it to the list. Let's say Wednesday is the shopping day, and you take week 1 to shop, and he takes week 2, and that's who does the shopping from that list. How you divide finances, I don't know. You can divide chores, whether rotating them, or sticking to the ones you prefer if you both agree to that.

    You then can see if a partner cares after a discussion about how to handle things, if he pulls his weight. If he doesn't, yes he's childish. I once learned that mentally unhealthy people seek out people who fill in what's missing in themselves. He chose you because you're responsible. You chose him because you interpreted him, at first, as being childlike in his enjoyment of life, and that side of you probably needs more development. Unfortunately, being childlike is far different than childish, and now that your rose colored glasses are off, you're seeing that, if in fact he doesn't improve after a game plan is under way.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    Hi! Iím frustrated and wanted to vent but also want to see what you guys think.

    How come in my spare time I do things like shop for us and run errands. And when my boyfriend has spare time he seems to just go out with his buddies and itís always leisure ? Is it my fault I donít do that more often or that I prioritize things differently? Itís honestly just frustrating and it makes me think of my boyfriend as childish.
    If you are only together 10 months, you should not be "running errands for us". You should be buying food for yourself. If you want to buy ingredients to invite him over for dinner every week then fine. I f you are buying groceries for those meals twice a week and he is paying for the two of you to go out to dinner twice a week, then you are even.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You have issues with his drinking and his flirtyness and now this.

    Have you ever heard the phrase "trying to fit a square peg into a round hole"?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you living together? You need to move out or throw him out. Stop enabling his drinking and being the mom fixer and heavy while he parties and flirts. It will only get worse. It will be one current annoyance after the next. There are men who are not lazy heavy drinkers.

    My advice remains the same about him: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by BCC123
    we will be out of toilet paper and instead of going to the store after work heíll go to happy hour with friends instead. I came home and shoveled and dealt with our cat who has been sick while he went to his friends to hang out after work.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    When two people don't naturally work together like a well oiled machine, you have to come up with a household plan and come to a consensus with sharing duties. Some people need very concrete instructions. What would I do in your shoes? I'd have a notepad and tell him that it's a grocery list, and as each of you see something missing or that needs to be purchased soon, to add it to the list. Let's say Wednesday is the shopping day, and you take week 1 to shop, and he takes week 2, and that's who does the shopping from that list. How you divide finances, I don't know. You can divide chores, whether rotating them, or sticking to the ones you prefer if you both agree to that.

    .
    - a honey-do list is a good idea.

    Let's just say he's not the most romantic guy. A romantic guy would lend domestic support and clean the house when you were out running errands.

    Yes, it can be a serious issue. Women need romance/domestic support in a relationship.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    Yes things are over all good with us! But say we will be out of toilet paper and instead of going to the store after work heíll go to happy hour with friends instead. I know Iím just frustrated right now. I do see my friends without him occasionally as well. But itís just like when things need to be done. I guess it snowed a lot today where we live and I came home and shoveled and dealt with our cat who has been sick while he went to his friends to hang out after work. So Iím just annoyed currently.
    I've found it most helpful to avoid becoming resentful toward a partner or a roommate by asking myself during every task: is this something I'd need or want to do if I lived alone?

    In 90% of all cases, the answer is yes. This is how I want to live, this is what I want done, and so my choices are to either do it myself or hire someone else to do it. In cases where I'd hire someone, I'd give my partner first dibs on whether he's willing to do for me before I spent the funds.

    I'd do my research before asking. If partner is willing to do it, propose a timeline with something like, "I can have the handyman (or TaskRabbit, or whatever service...) here on Saturday to do it for X dollars. If you'd be willing to get it done before then, I'll make your favorite lasagna."

    Negotiation is how successful couples thrive. They learn one another's bribe lists and offer something of value to the other in exchange for what they want from them. It can be material or behavioral, it just needs to be the right incentive.

    To avoid money issues, don't blend all funds. Open 3 accounts: His, Hers and Ours. Sit together to create a budget that includes all shared expenses, investments and savings. Those are covered by the Ours fund each month, and each contributes to that fund based on percentages of income. Whoever earns more pays the higher percentage. Any money left over once that account is met is discretionary and doesn't need to be approved or negotiated with the other to be spent or saved as each sees fit.

    Chores such as yard work or cleaning or laundry or snow removal that neither partner wants to assume can be built into the Ours budget to hire someone. Where that's not possible, good negotiation makes a trade off that both of you can live with.

    Bottom line: we don't always share the same lifestyle values with a partner. What's important to us doesn't automatically make it important to someone else. So own your own preferences, and don't impose those on the person who shares your home.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    My husband liked to eat and I am a good cook, so we negotiated. I cooked and he washed the dishes. He thought it would be cute to keep breaking dishes, hoping I'd give up and do them myself. So I told him I would just go out and buy all new dishes every few weeks to replace the ones he broke. He HATED spending money so that got his attention. He stopped his passive aggressive games (although he still used that tactic on other things which is one reason why he's my EX husband, but that's another story).

    If it's his place and you just stay there a lot, simply buy enough supplies for when you're there. He can feed himself and clean the place himself when you're not there. Do not get into the (bad) habit of playing "wife" if you're not and you don't live there.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like there is way too much drinking and arguing. It this the same guy?:
    Originally Posted by BCC123

    we've been together for 5 months
    so after the reception we go to a bar and im still talking about it which is making me more upset.
    he screamed in the car the whole way home.
    we get back to my place, kind of calm down but we are still trying to discuss this all while pretty drunk.
    he storms off to his car and instead of letting him leave i throw a tantrum, tell him i cant believe he would leave me in this state when im obviously upset.
    we start arguing again. it gets heated and he leaves again.
    we went to sleep and spent the next day together, mostly napping from being hungover and mentally exhausted.

  10. #19
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like there is way too much drinking and arguing. It this the same guy?:
    If this is the same guy, you might want to consider that you both are not compatible. Especially if he has a drinking problem and you have a communication issue.

  11. #20
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    If your Ďfree time Ď is being used to complete errands and tasks to run the household you both live in then technically itís not free time is it .
    Those errands and tasks need to be split and delegated and THEN whatever time is left is for each of you to do ME centred activities
    Remember nobody can continue violating our boundaries unless we allow them too . Sounds like you are allowing this situation and he likely is not paying one bit of attention to what your doing whilst in your free time ( although he no doubt reaps the benefits of the chores and errands done ) You could take a couple of approaches here
    split them ask him which ones he will be completing? Then you will both have the same free time to spend on yourself
    Donít complete them and simply enjoy your free time doing me centred things like he does and see what happens ... believe me the world wonít end and he will likely be unhappy when he realises thereís no toilet paper
    Or just simply discuss how things need to be structured differently
    But at the moment your being a martyr and complaining that it sucks getting shanked with the lions share of household chores ... yes it sure does
    Research shows that even when women work as many hours outside the home as men they are still doing much more household hours unpaid work than men in the majority of homes
    It wont change unless you set your boundaries and hold tight . You can certainly do this in a non aggressive yet powerful and assertive way

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