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Thread: Message to ex with Cancer

  1. #11
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    Hi abitbroken, thank you, another lady with an abusive partner who said he had cancer also advised me to shut the door as well, for my own sanity
    It could have been manipulation I think, as making me feel guilty seemed to be one of his chief modus operandi throughout the relationship, I was kind of put into impossible situations where I could never win
    It was not a good relationship, the fact is, sometimes he would literally bump into me on purpose if I mentioned I was going somewhere and he would bump into me just to act abusive or ignore me purposefully which was really weird
    I have been praying for him and I could easily make a donation

    He does have family and friends, he has many people around him
    It could have been manipulation as he told me not to tell mutual friends ( whom he was closer to than he was with me really ) and keep it a secret

    I'm sure the guilt would go in time

    I did buy him a book about the disease a while back to give to him and he was furious about it and said he didn't need it and wouldn't take it, these things don't quite add up

    He also told me other people at work had the cancer he said he has now but he didn't say he had it, he told me I should give the book to a colleague instead

    I'm sure in time it would feel right, everything is still fresh XX

  2. #12
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    It may have been made up, really, as I believe he wanted me to sleep with him on the holiday and get back together physically with him, I cannot be sure of course X

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    To me, i think if he reaches out in any way it will set her back -- either she will run back to him or feel she has to keep communication open because "he's sick" etc. We don't have to go re-expose ourselves to prove we are strong to anyone. As an abuse survivor, i know how important it is to cut that codependent tie, to work on your guilt on your own and cut the tie/tentacles instead of presenting your cheek again for someone to slap. The abuser abuses, the victim grovels and says how much they love/believe in the person.
    Thank you abitbroken, that was the pattern throughout our relationship a lot
    He would rage or abuse and I would fawn and love him more, it was pretty unhealthy and when I set a boundary at long last he was angry and ended it in a cruel way X

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Lady D
    Hi abitbroken, thank you, another lady with an abusive partner who said he had cancer also advised me to shut the door as well, for my own sanity
    It could have been manipulation I think, as making me feel guilty seemed to be one of his chief modus operandi throughout the relationship, I was kind of put into impossible situations where I could never win
    It was not a good relationship, the fact is, sometimes he would literally bump into me on purpose if I mentioned I was going somewhere and he would bump into me just to act abusive or ignore me purposefully which was really weird
    I have been praying for him and I could easily make a donation

    He does have family and friends, he has many people around him
    It could have been manipulation as he told me not to tell mutual friends ( whom he was closer to than he was with me really ) and keep it a secret

    I'm sure the guilt would go in time

    I did buy him a book about the disease a while back to give to him and he was furious about it and said he didn't need it and wouldn't take it, these things don't quite add up

    He also told me other people at work had the cancer he said he has now but he didn't say he had it, he told me I should give the book to a colleague instead

    I'm sure in time it would feel right, everything is still fresh XX
    Now that i am thinking of it -- an anonymous donation (not designated in honor of him) would be better ONLY if it mentally helps you to say "there, i have done something"

    The more days and hours that you do NOT reach out, distance and time have a way of giving us clarity. By sending a note, you also tell him that he can play you like a fiddle....you will always crawl back even if he is absolutely horrific to you. He does not deserve you. Your family has wisdom and i hope you listen by not sending it. I would block his number, too

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Please listen to your family and friends because they are right. Stay no contact and forget this man exist.

    The harsh truth is that you have no idea if anything he says is truth or lies and chances are great that he says whatever it takes to manipulate you, guilt you, get you to talk to him and yes, even feel sorry for him. Abuser are very good into tapping into YOUR, OP, lack of healthy boundaries, guilt, etc.

    My heartfelt advice to you is knock it off - stop talking to him, block and delete all contact from him and anyone connected to him completely. Do not send this sappy crying message of love and well wishes. It's cringeworthy at best and not at all nice. Looking from the outside in, it very much reads as please take me back and abuse me some more. I like it and I'm having severe withdrawal.

    Look, abusive relationships have to be treated a lot like addiction - only cure is to go completely cold turkey and stay away forever. As for your misplaced feelings of guilt (you didn't infect him with cancer, assuming he actually has it and isn't lying anyway), you'd do well to get some counseling to get your head screwed on straight. Sorry if I sound harsh. It's a well meaning slap upside your head because your thinking is that far off.
    Dear DancingFool, thanks for your encouragement, he was actually a compulsive liar, he would lie a lot all the time
    Thanks for your honest feedback about the message! Appreciated
    I'll probably be sticking at the no contact I think
    I am so very grateful for the validation
    Much love, Lady D XX

  7. #16
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    Hi abitbroken, yes, my family have seen me suffering in this for the last few years
    And I guess I could look a real idiot and a mug if I do send this, that's a risk
    I think I'll stick at the No Contact
    Thanks so much, your words are so appreciated XXX

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Lady D
    It may have been made up, really, as I believe he wanted me to sleep with him on the holiday and get back together physically with him, I cannot be sure of course X
    Then in that case replying to him is only going to hurt you. Don't reply to him and permanently cut off all contact with him.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Lady D
    Hi SherrySher, it sounds so awful I didn't want to say it here, it's like I wanted to whisper it on the forum and almost ashamed to write it but I do have a bit of doubt around it
    He had brought it up before and said he didn't have it, a few months ago
    On our holiday he was telling me about all his symptoms all the time and did seem to be playing it up a bit, there was a pattern where he would try, often, to make me feel guilty X
    Instead of sending that message, I suggest you take your misplaced guilt to a good therapist and work out your need to please, need to not be a bad guy isms with him or her.

    Stay no contact and get the help you need to stop being a pleaser to the nth degree.

    I say all of that without malice and I hope you have the strength to work on yourself a bit before you decide to go ahead and send that because frankly, its almost like you're thanking him for his abuse of you.

    With that being said, I'ts good to hear you are going to stick to no contact however I still think its worth your while seeing someone to figure out why you would go on holiday with someone you now would abuse you while there and why you feel guilty enough to want to send him that message. A healthy person would have not had an urge, desire or thought of doing either.

  10. #19
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    Thank you jul-els, I think that's what I will do
    He hasn't corresponded with me at all since, my text would not be a reply, I would be making the first move
    It was on the holiday he told me about it
    Me making the first move would probably be even more hurtful than if I was replying!
    Appreciate your kind help with this XX

  11. #20
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    Thanks ThatwasThen, I have been feeling a thousand times better since I instigated the no contact and life is going very well for me
    I will not be sending it, I'll work on my own people pleasing, codependent issues I think and continue to focus upon me
    He dumped me in a really harsh, cruel way, that was why my brother said I would be a muggins to send and I think he was right
    Posting here has helped so much, thank you for your reply XX

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