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Message to ex with Cancer


Lady D

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Dear lovely people

We had a falling out and he has said he has cancer, in fact he has said it is terminal

The truth is sadly that when we were together he was pretty abusive, when I confronted him he wanted to go our separate ways however I feel like I must send something uplifting over

We stopped speaking just under a month ago

When he first told me I felt I couldn't be sympathetic enough, we were on holiday and I was at the receiving end of some anger from him ( when he told me I was upset by the way he had been acting and hurt how he treated me, I feel this sounds so selfish but I was on the verge of a breakdown and actually had one after the holiday for a week ) however it has been on my mind since and I feel guilty, on the holiday I was so triggered by endless criticism and verbal attacks I could barely think straight and was not in a position to be able to offer comfort

I had to leave my job, actually, I was on the receiving end of his anger for so long, it's like he vented his rage upon me

 

Is this message ok do you think? I feel like I must text him something

Now I am out of the woods and the abuse, I'm thinking more straight, my intention is not to beg to get back together but to try to send something uplifting

I realise now that he was probably depressed and frustrated due to this and it explains some of his angry behaviour

 

Dear …

I am just wishing you luck in your battle against Cancer, I have faith in you, you have come so far already

I hope the counselling will help you decide what to do

Take care of yourself, be well, the world needs you in it, carry on with the good work

God will be with you, you are in my prayers daily

Don't give up

I mean these words from the bottom of my heart, sincerely I am wishing you a remission and happier days

 

X

 

Please no shaming or blaming if possible for any of this, it's all been very hard

 

My brother said I'd be a muggins to send this after the way he treated me and a lot of people are telling me to stay No Contact but in this situation I just feel so guilty and I really want to send it, because I still care for him

 

Love Lady D

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If I was sending it purely out of love and support with no expectations and no desire for reconciliation, then I would send it. From the way you describe him, I would also be aware that he might lash out in anger. If you're okay with that without it causing you further pain, I would send it. If not, I would refrain.

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Hi SherrySher, it sounds so awful I didn't want to say it here, it's like I wanted to whisper it on the forum and almost ashamed to write it but I do have a bit of doubt around it

He had brought it up before and said he didn't have it, a few months ago

On our holiday he was telling me about all his symptoms all the time and did seem to be playing it up a bit, there was a pattern where he would try, often, to make me feel guilty X

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I really think it is in your best interest not to send it. Because this person is abusive, its possible that the cancer is not terminal -- that there can still be a good outcome but he overstated it to manipulate you.

 

If it had been a good relationship, but you broke up due to for example, life taking you in other directions (ie, two divorced people both unable to move due to custody arrangements and you don't live near eachother(, then a support is warranted.

 

Also, its kind of a weird thing to read "good luck with your cancer".

 

I would instead pray for him, make a donation in his name to whatever related cancer charity, etc or there are local groups that assist cancer patients with rides and food and bill relief. And it would not open communications it might also lift your guilt. Which you should have ZERO. He has family and friends.

 

Its for your own mental health that i say do NOT send it. Trust me, i was with an abusive ex that got sick, got better, got sick, etc, you need to shut the door. It doesn't feel right at the moment, but it will in time.

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If I was sending it purely out of love and support with no expectations and no desire for reconciliation, then I would send it. From the way you describe him, I would also be aware that he might lash out in anger. If you're okay with that without it causing you further pain, I would send it. If not, I would refrain.

 

To me, i think if he reaches out in any way it will set her back -- either she will run back to him or feel she has to keep communication open because "he's sick" etc. We don't have to go re-expose ourselves to prove we are strong to anyone. As an abuse survivor, i know how important it is to cut that codependent tie, to work on your guilt on your own and cut the tie/tentacles instead of presenting your cheek again for someone to slap. The abuser abuses, the victim grovels and says how much they love/believe in the person.

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Please listen to your family and friends because they are right. Stay no contact and forget this man exist.

 

The harsh truth is that you have no idea if anything he says is truth or lies and chances are great that he says whatever it takes to manipulate you, guilt you, get you to talk to him and yes, even feel sorry for him. Abuser are very good into tapping into YOUR, OP, lack of healthy boundaries, guilt, etc.

 

My heartfelt advice to you is knock it off - stop talking to him, block and delete all contact from him and anyone connected to him completely. Do not send this sappy crying message of love and well wishes. It's cringeworthy at best and not at all nice. Looking from the outside in, it very much reads as please take me back and abuse me some more. I like it and I'm having severe withdrawal.

 

Look, abusive relationships have to be treated a lot like addiction - only cure is to go completely cold turkey and stay away forever. As for your misplaced feelings of guilt (you didn't infect him with cancer, assuming he actually has it and isn't lying anyway), you'd do well to get some counseling to get your head screwed on straight. Sorry if I sound harsh. It's a well meaning slap upside your head because your thinking is that far off.

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Hi abitbroken, thank you, another lady with an abusive partner who said he had cancer also advised me to shut the door as well, for my own sanity

It could have been manipulation I think, as making me feel guilty seemed to be one of his chief modus operandi throughout the relationship, I was kind of put into impossible situations where I could never win

It was not a good relationship, the fact is, sometimes he would literally bump into me on purpose if I mentioned I was going somewhere and he would bump into me just to act abusive or ignore me purposefully which was really weird

I have been praying for him and I could easily make a donation

 

He does have family and friends, he has many people around him

It could have been manipulation as he told me not to tell mutual friends ( whom he was closer to than he was with me really ) and keep it a secret

 

I'm sure the guilt would go in time

 

I did buy him a book about the disease a while back to give to him and he was furious about it and said he didn't need it and wouldn't take it, these things don't quite add up

 

He also told me other people at work had the cancer he said he has now but he didn't say he had it, he told me I should give the book to a colleague instead

 

I'm sure in time it would feel right, everything is still fresh XX

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To me, i think if he reaches out in any way it will set her back -- either she will run back to him or feel she has to keep communication open because "he's sick" etc. We don't have to go re-expose ourselves to prove we are strong to anyone. As an abuse survivor, i know how important it is to cut that codependent tie, to work on your guilt on your own and cut the tie/tentacles instead of presenting your cheek again for someone to slap. The abuser abuses, the victim grovels and says how much they love/believe in the person.

 

Thank you abitbroken, that was the pattern throughout our relationship a lot

He would rage or abuse and I would fawn and love him more, it was pretty unhealthy and when I set a boundary at long last he was angry and ended it in a cruel way X

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Hi abitbroken, thank you, another lady with an abusive partner who said he had cancer also advised me to shut the door as well, for my own sanity

It could have been manipulation I think, as making me feel guilty seemed to be one of his chief modus operandi throughout the relationship, I was kind of put into impossible situations where I could never win

It was not a good relationship, the fact is, sometimes he would literally bump into me on purpose if I mentioned I was going somewhere and he would bump into me just to act abusive or ignore me purposefully which was really weird

I have been praying for him and I could easily make a donation

 

He does have family and friends, he has many people around him

It could have been manipulation as he told me not to tell mutual friends ( whom he was closer to than he was with me really ) and keep it a secret

 

I'm sure the guilt would go in time

 

I did buy him a book about the disease a while back to give to him and he was furious about it and said he didn't need it and wouldn't take it, these things don't quite add up

 

He also told me other people at work had the cancer he said he has now but he didn't say he had it, he told me I should give the book to a colleague instead

 

I'm sure in time it would feel right, everything is still fresh XX

 

Now that i am thinking of it -- an anonymous donation (not designated in honor of him) would be better ONLY if it mentally helps you to say "there, i have done something"

 

The more days and hours that you do NOT reach out, distance and time have a way of giving us clarity. By sending a note, you also tell him that he can play you like a fiddle....you will always crawl back even if he is absolutely horrific to you. He does not deserve you. Your family has wisdom and i hope you listen by not sending it. I would block his number, too

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Please listen to your family and friends because they are right. Stay no contact and forget this man exist.

 

The harsh truth is that you have no idea if anything he says is truth or lies and chances are great that he says whatever it takes to manipulate you, guilt you, get you to talk to him and yes, even feel sorry for him. Abuser are very good into tapping into YOUR, OP, lack of healthy boundaries, guilt, etc.

 

My heartfelt advice to you is knock it off - stop talking to him, block and delete all contact from him and anyone connected to him completely. Do not send this sappy crying message of love and well wishes. It's cringeworthy at best and not at all nice. Looking from the outside in, it very much reads as please take me back and abuse me some more. I like it and I'm having severe withdrawal.

 

Look, abusive relationships have to be treated a lot like addiction - only cure is to go completely cold turkey and stay away forever. As for your misplaced feelings of guilt (you didn't infect him with cancer, assuming he actually has it and isn't lying anyway), you'd do well to get some counseling to get your head screwed on straight. Sorry if I sound harsh. It's a well meaning slap upside your head because your thinking is that far off.

 

Dear DancingFool, thanks for your encouragement, he was actually a compulsive liar, he would lie a lot all the time

Thanks for your honest feedback about the message! Appreciated

I'll probably be sticking at the no contact I think

I am so very grateful for the validation

Much love, Lady D XX

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Hi abitbroken, yes, my family have seen me suffering in this for the last few years

And I guess I could look a real idiot and a mug if I do send this, that's a risk

I think I'll stick at the No Contact

Thanks so much, your words are so appreciated XXX

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It may have been made up, really, as I believe he wanted me to sleep with him on the holiday and get back together physically with him, I cannot be sure of course X

 

Then in that case replying to him is only going to hurt you. Don't reply to him and permanently cut off all contact with him.

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Hi SherrySher, it sounds so awful I didn't want to say it here, it's like I wanted to whisper it on the forum and almost ashamed to write it but I do have a bit of doubt around it

He had brought it up before and said he didn't have it, a few months ago

On our holiday he was telling me about all his symptoms all the time and did seem to be playing it up a bit, there was a pattern where he would try, often, to make me feel guilty X

Instead of sending that message, I suggest you take your misplaced guilt to a good therapist and work out your need to please, need to not be a bad guy isms with him or her.

 

Stay no contact and get the help you need to stop being a pleaser to the nth degree.

 

I say all of that without malice and I hope you have the strength to work on yourself a bit before you decide to go ahead and send that because frankly, its almost like you're thanking him for his abuse of you.

 

With that being said, I'ts good to hear you are going to stick to no contact however I still think its worth your while seeing someone to figure out why you would go on holiday with someone you now would abuse you while there and why you feel guilty enough to want to send him that message. A healthy person would have not had an urge, desire or thought of doing either.

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Thank you jul-els, I think that's what I will do

He hasn't corresponded with me at all since, my text would not be a reply, I would be making the first move

It was on the holiday he told me about it

Me making the first move would probably be even more hurtful than if I was replying!

Appreciate your kind help with this XX

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Thanks ThatwasThen, I have been feeling a thousand times better since I instigated the no contact and life is going very well for me

I will not be sending it, I'll work on my own people pleasing, codependent issues I think and continue to focus upon me

He dumped me in a really harsh, cruel way, that was why my brother said I would be a muggins to send and I think he was right

Posting here has helped so much, thank you for your reply XX

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With that being said, I'ts good to hear you are going to stick to no contact however I still think its worth your while seeing someone to figure out why you would go on holiday with someone you now would abuse you while there and why you feel guilty enough to want to send him that message. A healthy person would have not had an urge, desire or thought of doing either.

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With that being said, I'ts good to hear you are going to stick to no contact however I still think its worth your while seeing someone to figure out why you would go on holiday with someone you now would abuse you while there and why you feel guilty enough to want to send him that message. A healthy person would have not had an urge, desire or thought of doing either.

 

Yes, I was in denial for a long time about his abuse, I actually went on that holiday believing he'd atone and act differently on the holiday but that was far from the truth

Considering a Counsellor at the moment you'll be pleased to hear, I totally get what you mean about people pleasing to a ridiculous degree

thanks so much for your plain speaking, needed to hear it, XXX

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I didn't want to say it here, it's like I wanted to whisper it on the forum and almost ashamed to write it but I do have a bit of doubt around it

 

I had a sneaking suspicion. I've seen this type of manipulative behavior before and it usually comes from someone who is already abusive in some form.

 

It could very well be a ploy to try to make you feel guilty and to manipulate you. Since you aren't sure either, it's best NOT to send any kind of letter.

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I had a sneaking suspicion. I've seen this type of manipulative behavior before and it usually comes from someone who is already abusive in some form.

 

It could very well be a ploy to try to make you feel guilty and to manipulate you. Since you aren't sure either, it's best NOT to send any kind of letter.

 

Thanks SherrySher, he is actually still working full time and very long hours, truth be told, I think you may be right though I hate to say it and think it

I won't send anything, don't you worry lol

I hope he is making it up, it's very sick but I wouldn't wish cancer upon him

I'm better off praying from a distance for this guy

XXX

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Yes, I was in denial for a long time about his abuse, I actually went on that holiday believing he'd atone and act differently on the holiday but that was far from the truth

Considering a Counsellor at the moment you'll be pleased to hear, I totally get what you mean about people pleasing to a ridiculous degree

thanks so much for your plain speaking, needed to hear it, XXX

 

Good to hear. Best wishes in your recovery with the help of your therapist.

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