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Thread: Life turned upside down… confused

  1. #1

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    Life turned upside down… confused

    Not sure if this is the right forum but here it goes. 20 years ago the person I was in love with passed away in a car accident. Took me awhile to get back into dating but after many tries i kept thinking of my lost love and nobody was able to match that feeling. For years i wondered if that would be my only experience in life in terms of love and as time passed by i learned to accept it and it wasnt an issue. After more than 20 years Ive gotten reconnected with my old GFs family and theyve become my second family which is something thats been an inmense blessing. Anyways, In May 2019... i saw someone that triggered that same electricity that I used to feel years ago... thinking it was something that would be temporary I ignored it. However, I saw her again in October and once again, same result... im thinking to myself "after all this time, do i really have a crush on this woman?" So after doing some digging and talking with common friends (she is 13 years younger than me), we were introduced the first week of November at her workplace and on working hours which even though was awkward, it was nice. After this my mother got ill and passed away 2 weeks later and i was no in the mood for any of this so it became a secondary thought until the day before New Year's Eve where we once again talked for awhile at her workplace... once again it was awkward since we were talking while she was supposed to be working but whatever. It felt like there was chemistry at the time so I sent her a Facebook friend request which she accepted. Ive sent her messages 3 times, only once she responded and its taken her like 3-4 days to even read them. People close to me tell me i should take a break of messaging or anything for like a month, my gut feeling tells me i should just grab the bull by the horns and ask her out and get that anxious feeling off me. What would you people do? Wait or ask her out? and if id ask her out, how? At her workplace is very awkward especially with coworkers around her... but Im not a fan of doing something so important via FB Messenger either. Ive thought kinda to keep an eye when she comes off work and intercept her as she walks to her car, but that kinda feel stalkish. Any ideas? Is doing this via message not good or am i just a bit oldschool in the matter? Thanks in advance!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Finding someone to date in the workplace isn't recommended as it makes things quite awkward, it can be distracting and won't go well if things don't work out.
    Besides the fact that it's unprofessional.

    This woman as well, sounds too young for you. 13 years is quite an age difference. It could cause issues if you two ever did decide to date.

    Honestly, I'm not sure it's the best idea to ask her out.

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    @SherrySher Ty for your response. Just to clarify, we DONT work in the same place. But have a mutual friend at her workplace that intriduced us... there. And yes, the age difference worries me a bit, but she is 31, i am almost 44. And from what ive been told, she dates older men as she is the mother of a 6 year old.

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    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Well then, that changes my advice.

    I agree with you, ask her out and hope for the best. But where and how? Hmmm. Do you run into her often?

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Definitely do not intercept her as she is leaving work because that would be creepy af.

    Look, your only real and reasonable option here is very simple and straightforward - ask her via FB message. You are already talking through that, so it's logical as that's the only proper direct personal contact you have.

    As you realize, showing up at her workplace and asking her there is way too awkward and also inappropriate. Not to mention it will put her in a very uncomfortable spot. On the other hand, on FB you can keep it light. Say something that you enjoy talking to her and would like to continue that in person over a coffee or drinks. In short, keep it simple, ask her out to something that doesn't require any great commitment, but it will allow you both to talk, get to know each better without the awkwardness of a work place. It also gives her a chance to turn you down lightly and politely if she is not interested in anything such.

    In short, don't over think and don't over complicate things. Most importantly don't create stories in your head about this woman, the chemistry or draw parallels to your ex. If you are going to start something with someone new, be sure you start on a clean blank slate.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Give it a shot.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Y2Jay88
    @SherrySher Ty for your response. Just to clarify, we DONT work in the same place. But have a mutual friend at her workplace that intriduced us... there. And yes, the age difference worries me a bit, but she is 31, i am almost 44. And from what ive been told, she dates older men as she is the mother of a 6 year old.
    Can you arrange something with the mutual friend for the three of you to catch dinner or drinks or something? Does the mutual friend know you have a crush on this woman?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Keep in mind the age difference. If there will be a long term relationship or marriage, the age difference won't matter now while you're vital but eventually over the years, she will tend to be the healthier one while you'll age rapidly. The disparity will be impossible to dismiss.

    I've seen this with my own eyes with my parents, cousin's marriage, friends and so many couples whom I know. Remain realistic regarding the age difference.

    Also, dating someone at the workplace can be risky if the relationship fails. Then you have to cross paths with a person after break up and it's very awkward and uncomfortable.

    Wishing and daydreaming are separate from reality.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Rather than cold approach her, try to find out from this acquaintance if she has a bf. It's fine to have a crush but in the meantime date other women and if this pans out someday, great
    Originally Posted by Y2Jay88
    have a mutual friend at her workplace that intriduced us... there. And yes, the age difference worries me a bit, but she is 31, i am almost 44. And from what ive been told, she dates older men as she is the mother of a 6 year old.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Life turned upside down? If you're thinking this seriously about an acquaintance, it will scare her away. If it were me venturing to date you, I'd probably also be afraid of your recent reconnection with your first loves family, and how you haven't been in any longterm relationships for 20 years. I remember when I did OLD, and there was a guy who, on his profile, spoke non-stop of his wonderful, deceased wife, and I could tell nobody would every match up to that. If you read Neil Simon's play Chapter Two, or see the movie, which is autobiographical, you will see the hardships that brings to a marriage. That story had a happy ending, but in real life, Neil Simon and Marsha Mason's marriage ended after 10 years.

    If you're going to date, lighten up. Think of the date as enjoying someone's company for that moment in time, taking a day-by-day attitude, and not projecting to the future. Although I've never been comfortable with age gap relationships, some people are more free spirited and don't worry about whatever issues might arise because of the differences in age. To me, I'd rather be aging at the same rate as my partner, not worrying about wrinkling 13 years ahead of him if I'm older, and if he's older, I don't want to worry about dealing with his aging issues when I'm still a spring chicken. I already do that with my own parents. I'd rather our retirement years coincide as well.

    I'm sorry you've lost your first love. Just realize that you might be idealizing a relationship that might have happened during the honeymoon stage, and you didn't live through all of the plateaus and downs that go along with the highs that a normal, longterm relationship entails. If you haven't met many women you share chemistry with, you probably haven't spread your net wide to meet them, because to me, chemistry is quite common. What is more rare is meeting someone with all of the other major traits that have to match. You have to date a boatload of women to find one who has everything you're seeking. Good luck and keep us updated.

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