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Thread: Dating multiple people

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    How many weeks have you been dating him?

    Why waste time dating a guy you are not really into? After about four weeks when you find the one, you'll be halfway in love.

    Circular dating is fine, but really only works for the first couple weeks or so. It sounds like you think of him as a friend.

    Why not wait to date ongoing until you find someone you really like.

  2. #12
    Member Royaltiger's Avatar
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    Get rid of him. If you tell him that you are not going to be exclusive, he will be hurt because of your earlier stance. In addition, he will be jealous of others you might be seeing.

    Jumping this early to exclusivity spells a possessive person. His being nice to you is very frequently used as a tool to control others.

    Enough said!

  3. #13
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    I dated as many men as I could handle -but had sex with none of them -until I found someone I wanted to be exclusive with who also wanted to be exclusive with me. Because marriage and family was my goal and especially in my 30s I wasn't going to put all my sparse eggs in one basket too soon and forego opportunities to meet and date others. I did not talk about other men I was dating, did not ask him about who he was dating and if he asked me what I was doing on nights we didn't have plans I'd be vague "going out with a friend" or whatever - it wasn't his business. I did not believe in having casual sex but yes we kissed, etc etc if that was part of the dating. Typically a man who was interested in being serious with me brought up exclusively within the first 4-6 weeks of dating. I stopped dating someone after 4 dates if I was still on the fence about our clicking/chemistry/compatibility. I gave it 4 dates - but if I was really way more on the side of "nope not happening" then it was more like either the first meet and/or maybe one or two more times tops.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I get you are new at this and in the moment felt put on the spot. But you just got done telling the guy you wanted to take it slow and casual, yet he countered back with exclusivity. He clearly either didn't hear you or wasn't confident to handle the terms.
    All in all, not a good start.

    Talk to him. Share with him what you shared with us. If you like him and want to continue to see him, say so. But rescind the promise of exclusivity. It totally defeated the purpose of telling him you wanted to take it slow. When you approached him with the subject, you were wanted to relieve the pressure. In the end with agreeing to date only him, you feel even more pressured.

    Be true to yourself and to him. It's the only way.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Keyman
    The problem is that she has already agreed to exclusivity, otherwise, I don't think there would be an issue with continuing to date him while dating other people. So, either remove the exclusivity or let him go.
    Oh, I missed that part. It was early when I read it, lol!

  7. #16
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    You want to date multiple people at once. He is a person who wants to date one person at a time. Imo, you need to explain to him that you don't want to be exclusive until you get to know each other more. If he is not ok with that, then you two are not on the same page and you need to let him go. It's that simple.
    As a man who doesnít multi-date I would appreciate the honesty. We would part as friends and if you circled back later and I was still single I would absolutely be willing to take another look and talk about dating you at that time.

    *edit: any well-adjusted person understands about getting caught off guard with a question and giving a spontaneous answer, but possibly seeing things differently after having a chance to reflect. Nothing to feel bad about and if he doesnít appreciate you being direct and authentic with him he probably isnít worth any more time anyway?

  8. #17
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Just be honest... like someone said, it's part of being an adult. Being honest with yourself and being honest with others.

    I myself been on both ends. I multi-dated in order to "find the one" and I've asked a man I was dating if we can just exclusively date each other (in which he declined because I think he was scared I was liking him more than he liked me). All I know is that when I was honest with the other person, it was easier to be... me.

    Dating should be fun and it should be about finding out what you want and what you like and what you can do to be a better mate/better partner. But this has to start by being 100% honest.

  9. #18
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    Hi thank you so much for the responses I really appreciate it! Sorry for responding so late I was on a trip and just got back.

    I'm pretty sure most of you said I should be honest with him about how I'm feeling and that I should tell him I'm not ready to be exclusive. I definitely think that's the right thing to do so I'm happy you all said that. It definitely wouldn't feel right to tell him date him exclusively when I'm not ready for it... I think it would more likely ruin whatever relationship we do have as it would just feel like a lot of pressure and it would probably just feel off.

    I think the biggest problem with the situation is that he's very inexperienced with dating. I think he's only ever dated one girl and it didn't last long. So maybe he's ready to fall in love fast and just gets all these feelings straight away (like I'm sure a lot of us did when we first started dating) while I'm more cautious as I've been hurt before and I've dated people before who weren't quite the right fit. It's kind of why I'm scared of telling him how I feel as well because I know it will hurt him a lot more than someone who has more experience with dating and relationships.

    Anyway I think it is the right thing to tell him how I feel so I will the next time I see him. We haven't talked much this week as I've been away but i'll be seeing him probably at the end of the week. Hopefully he will understand, but if not maybe he's just not the right guy for me.

  10. #19
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    Itís sounds like you both might be coming from different places. Are you newly single? Itís ok if you arenít sure what you want right now.

    He may be coming from a place where he has been dating for a while, found someone he genuinely likes, and doesnít care to date anyone else.

    If I were you, I would just be honest. Tell him you were a little caught off guard, would like to continue exploring things, but just arenít sure what you want yet. Itís not a unilateral decision and he can choose to walk away.

    Typically, I wouldnít have that sort of label conversation for at least a month, probably 8-12 dates or however long that takes. That being said, after 3-4 dates, if you arenít excited to see the person anymore, itís best just to walk away. Usually, after 3-4 meh dates, you probably still want to see others because they havenít got your attention, so why bother seeing them again anyway.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes, be honest that you're not a match. Dating is not about pity or teaching.
    Originally Posted by LockerBunny
    I'm scared of telling him how I feel as well because I know it will hurt him a lot more than someone who has more experience with dating and relationships.

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